another one with kids...
Bunch of youngsters (all Male) running around.. one get's pissed at another and decided he's gonna put him down...
Cue the best line ever...

"Well, you're Gay with Jenny"

Bless.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:53, Reply)

The "cool kidz" at school
let's call'em Mandy Field and Tom Godsall just to avoid fibbing...

CE french AURAL exam.... new word for them, AURAL. so... then they hear about ORAL sex.. and decide that "As they're the cool ones" they should do it. Cue Mandy and Tom stood outside a classroom having this conversation.

M. Ok, I'll go first.. erm, I undo your fly
T. Um, I'm touching your um, front bottom
M. Ok... I'm touching your willy.
T. Why?
M. isn't that what we're supposed to do? talk about sex?
T. guess so... but it's boring.
M `yeah, what loser invented Oral sex anyway?

Cute... If it wasn't for the fact that they thought they were SOOO cool.

It's a god-send that Tom didn't end up shagging mandy's ear I spose. He hasn't that smart.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Petrol Stations
My ex worked in a Petrol Station over one boring summer. One day, we were out with her brother and needed to stop for some fuel. He got out and started to fill up the car, trying to get exactly five quid's worth into the tank. When he leaned in to get his wallet, I said "Lucky you didn't annoy them, or they would have pushed the button to add a penny on when you were done." For the next hour (with my ex keeping a wonderful straight face and admitting that they do have these) he was convinced there was a magic button under the counter to add a penny on and was complaining about how this must be theft and shouldn't be allowed.
(James_Doc, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:37, Reply)

Younger siblings..
My younger brother came out with this gem:

Him: Dave, what's a triggerhurts?
Me: A what?
Him: A triggerhurts. Like in computers.
Me: A terahertz?
Him: Yeah, one of those. Does Bill Gates have one?

Also, when teaching my $relative how to use a scanner: "What happens to the original photos, then? How do I get them back off the computer?"
(dregan, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:36, Reply)

Various things
Working at the Disney Store here in Norwich, over the post Xmas sales the one thing that really gets on my nerves is when various chav like single mothers are coming in taking advantage of 75% off things then trying to get more off and quoting a somewhat misguided interpretation of "Trading Standards Laws" when they blatantly haven't got a fecking clue.
(sirhiss, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:33, Reply)

FAO Delazer
To most of the adult world its still called Canary warf
to those who have an address finder its
'One Canada Square'
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:31, Reply)

Digital Photography plus Urdu
My (otherwise very smart) girlfriend asked me, having taken a few shots using the family's new digital camera, if I was going to get it developed before she went back to work on the continent. Yes, she did know it was digital.

Also, my "grandfather" - my Mum's stepdad - is a racist old fart, despite having been posted to India when he was in the Army and speaking pretty good Urdu. Despite having a knowledge of Ukraine and Ukrainian politics that could be written on the back of a postage stamp in large print, over Xmas he commented on the inherent instability of the Ukrainian character. Prat.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:28, Reply)

Sunday Chav
I used to work in a nice pub in Worsley Manchester and one tuesday dinner time a group of chavs walk in and sit down at a table...taking the candles from the fire place and placing them on their table for what effect i don't know. Anyway one of the pack comes up to the bar to order the food for his clan and exclaims that he would like the sunday roast.....I politetly explained that it was Tuesday and we do not do a Sunday roast on a Tuesday we only do it on a Sunday...he then proceded to tell me that it was 'Well out of order' and that it was 'False Advertsing'!!


'Shot at birth' and 'should have been'!!!?
( dazzyboy, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:16, Reply)

My father....
...is of an age when, in growing up, they were somewhat less open-minded to those of other colours, creeds and sexual orientation. Yesterday, at a family hoedown, my father started railing against people not born in the UK being allowed to live here claiming benefit drinking our women what about the jobs etc etc insert bigoted moron diatribe here.

Thing is, my old man was born in Hungary and came here 48 years ago.

Clearly my old man is a TWAT.

Cheers
(InfiniteZenMaster, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:03, Reply)

American education system
Was talking once with a few american form 5 (yr 11, or about 15-16 years old) students about school in america. One of the girls was clearly quite intelligent and we were having a lovely little conversation about the educational system's general lacking-ness.

Then I ask her if it's really true that 20% of female high-school students weren't aware that sex was the cause of pregnancy. Suddenly, her friend looks worried and says "Really?".

The really scary thing?

She wasn't faking. She really had no idea.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 14:41, Reply)

My sister bless her heart..
"mm these chocolate santas taste like easter egg chocolate."

she swears they use a different special kind of chocolate for easter eggs....
(Sparkypinkguitar, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Newsnight
I was watching Newsnight, David Blunkett was being interviewed. My flatmate was convinced he was reading his answers from an autocue.

This was about 4 or 5 years ago, when David Blunkett was Education Secretary and not quite so well known.
(pfy, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 14:23, Reply)

A few years back when doing GCSEs
one lad asked in history if conscription was compulsory, he also asked in PSE (the sex ed...life...religion blah blah stuff, not a GCSE!) if jews believe in UFOs, genius!
( polio, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 14:22, Reply)

Whilst working in Edinburgh
Walking down the Royal Mile and being asked by a dumb Canadian (they do exist) where the Castle was. To be fair he did apologise when I stopped laughing and pointing over his shoulder.
(nevin Sharpness is a bourgeois concept, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 13:53, Reply)

Apologies for third answer
but I keep remembering more gems.

I went to see Miss Saigon with my then-girlfriend, who was American. Talking about it after, she said she was surprised at the ending, because she "thought we won the Vietnam war"...
(Tonto Popadopolous, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 12:37, Reply)

Some Spacker A While Ago in School
Some guy at school used to ask the stupidest questions.
At 15 years old he stilled believed in Santa. Who knows, maybe he still does.
I remember a geography class when we were talking about floods and sewage filling streets etc, and the teacher was talking about how they have to wade through it all to get around, and the diseases... And somewhere she metnioned she wouldn't want her children playing around in it, and this lad stuck his head up and announced,
'Don't you let your children swim in the sea then?'
And guy turned round and said, 'Hm, yes, the sea and a load of shit and bacteria is the same.'

He also had to ask our history teacher who Satan was at 15 years old.
(MadGirlOfDoom, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Just remembered another one
Chav 1: "I needs to lose some weight innit, I fink I should go on a diet."

Chav 2: "Naaaah mate, you needs to go fer a sauna, innit. 'Cos you sweat all the fat out, 'cos that's what sweat is innit, like melted fat."

Apparently Chav 2 was doing some kind of Sports Science GNVQ. Nice to see it paid off...
(Tonto Popadopolous, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 12:29, Reply)

Cabbie who picked me up from work:
"Is that Return Of The King any good?" (I'm a projectionist)

Me: "I haven't seen it yet, but it's been sold out nearly every showing"

Cabbie: "If it's that popular, they'll probably make a fourth one"

Me: "...well there's only three books. They could make a film of The Hobbit though..."

Cabbie: "It's based on a BOOK, is it?!"
(Tonto Popadopolous, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 12:20, Reply)

Hurricane lamps
for those of you who dont know a hurricane lamp is one that uses a cylindical open topped glass surround to protect a naked flame. My mate got one that used a candle for his friends girlfriends birthday. She lit the candle and placed it in the center of the room. After watching the flame flicker in the glass surround for a bit , friend pipes up:

"Its not doing anything.",

The 6 of us present spent a few minuates complaning about the lack of a hurricane shaped flame or effect. untill i said

"its called a hurricane lamp because the glass protects the flame from being blown out if you take it outside."

My mate thought it would make the flame look like a hurricane. He was quite dissapointed.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 12:04, Reply)

Irish humor
I have a good friend who I met when he came over from Ireland to do some of those English A-Levels.

One of my other friends started this conversation:

English Girl: "so... do you have computers in Ireland?"

we all stifled laughs untill

Irish Boy:"*perfect dedpan* no. could you show me how to use one please"
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 11:54, Reply)

I work in a music shop,
we get so many stupid questions it's just not true. But some stand out. For instance the customer, who when standing next to the counter in the midst of lots and lots of sheet music books, asked "Do you sell music books?"
( Paper Tiger, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 11:33, Reply)

To Feral Chicken
There is a version of poker that you can play with dice (they are equivalent to 9,10,J,Q,K,A)

But it definitely isn't the commonly played one!
( bloobloo, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 11:27, Reply)

Friday
sat in my photography lesson asking the untrained masses if they saw This Is Spinal Tap the other day. When explaining how it is a comedy about a made up band my friend seemed quite upset to discover that they weren't real and would have known it if he listened to Goffik music. (Purposely spelt wrong)

And one other was my dear old mother asking how to rewind a DVD we had rented. Bless.
( Mr. Street, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 11:25, Reply)

B/P?
Last week at work, someone asked me if 'thumb' was spelt with a silent 'b' or a silent 'p'. I told him he should try thumping a lift if he was in any doubt.
(DamoUK, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 11:18, Reply)

My incredibly intelligent friend
actually thought that Belgium was in Northern Ireland, that Mexico and Argentina were close to Spain ("because they speak Spanish there") and had no idea where Nottingham was despite her boyfriend living there.

Another clever friend was adamant that poker was played with dice...
( Malchick, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 10:54, Reply)

Kebabs
one evening after several pints, me and some friends were discussing the kebabs we'd just bought.

Friend: what's doner meat made of? Is it beef?
Me: No, it's lamb.
Friend: Oh well. Same animal.
(s. shoe, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 10:24, Reply)

Putting the cart before the horse
The instructions on the Christmas turkey recommended that it was defrosted in the fridge. "So how did people defrost things before they had fridges?", asks the wife. I'm ashamed to say I had to think about that one for a few seconds.
(rogerzilla, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 9:48, Reply)

a few weeks ago
a friend of mine picked up this horrible girl from the club. we all left and he got her to join us. she started talking to me, and after awhile she came out with this:
her: do you have a scottish background?
me: well, my mum's grandfather was from scotland..
her: oh my god i thought so, i can TOTALLY hear your accent!

she would not stop gibbering about this. i explained, several times, that i was just quiet, and spoke in complete sentences, but she didn't believe me. i also pointed out that it was impossible to inherit an accent purely from your dna, but that was just too much for her to grasp, apparently.
(harmless kitty, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 9:12, Reply)

public american schools. good times.
in eigth grade science class, a girl named Kelsey raised her hand and asked the teacher how to spell some pretty obvious word (I can't remember the exact word...it was like whale, or something equally as easy). the teacher wrote it up on the board and said "that's how you spell it. and your name is spelled D-I-N-G-B-A-T."

five minutes later her voice was heard from the back of the classroom:

"HEY! KELSEY ISN'T SPELLED WITH A T!"
(sponch!, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 8:53, Reply)