In a pub
There’s a sign on the wall advertising the quiz night ‘all proceeds go to air ambulance fund’ right fair enough. Then, an American woman opposite asks her friends “is that an ambulance that takes people to Hospital” much laughter on my part. Stupid cludge where does she think it takes them Tescos?
(SirGrunt SirGrunt loves buns, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:44, Reply)

this morning at breakfast
"You can listen to more than one thing on your computer?"-mom
(spiggums, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:40, Reply)

Mum:
"Can you get earthquakes under the sea"?

walk away, just walk away.
( monkdagola but how do you TURN a phrase?, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:36, Reply)

One of mine but to be fair was hungover
I walk bleery eyes into the living room one morning while chap is watching the weather on telly.

Vacant blonde weather girl stands infront of UK weather map under the heading Summary.

She didn't look so vacant anymore when I blurted out
'Yey! it's going to be summery today!' Doh!
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:27, Reply)

Convinced my girlfriend
that if you cut your hand off quick enough, it would grow back.

Her defense was that I used 'scientific; words....

She's two years older than me.

twunt.
(mupps, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:26, Reply)

I picked up my girlfriend to go on our first date...
I was driving my rather nice 1971 MGB, the girlfriend took one look at it and said. "There's a bloke drives around here in one of these" I replied "That'll be me then" "Oh yes!" she said.

Silly cow.
(Lord_Of_The_Wild_Frontier, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:20, Reply)

It was me *sigh*
Although in my defence I was 11, this prick in our year comes up to me, points to a friend and says: "could you tell me that boys name, I want to report him to the headteacher" To which I give him my best Fuck You smirk and craftily shout to said friend "Alex, don't tell him your name!"

Showed him.
(-mimo-, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:10, Reply)

Around the time that Arnie got elected...
... I overheard a colleague of mine - a very senior, slightly famous, TV journalist - say:

'is it *the* California?'
(Scary, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:58, Reply)

I have heard...
That you can get paid 32k per year for making tea.
(Lurchio, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:58, Reply)

mates dad in a restaurant
waiter: 'would you like soup or juice?'
mates dad: 'yes please, super juice sounds lovely'
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:43, Reply)

Mums eh?
My mum God bless her

On perusing the Newshopper.
Mum:"That Fire Engine must be really busy it goes round schools all over the country"
Us: "What Fire Engine?"
Mum: "You know 'Dennis'"

Mum: "Can you run me to MI5 to look at wardrobes"

.......
As an in-joke Birds Eye 'Beef Slice's in Gravy' in our house were known as beef curtains, she had no idea.
All fine until a GF was brought home one Sunday.
Mum: "I'm sorry it's not more elaborate, I've only got Beef Curtains for dinner"
Much beer was ejected from noses.

......
Sister in Law : "That's a lovely house , but why do they need such a big garage"
Brother: " That's Sidcup Fire Station dear"
(sumo_san, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:41, Reply)

I was working in a factory once...
...during some buyout of the company by an American firm, and they decided to do us a little presentation about how they weren't going to shut down our plant, honest.

The American CEO was telling us all about his plans for our company, stating that his company prefers some uniformity in the way its plants are run. A guy at the back, who had the nickname Bubbles, raised his hand and said 'Does that mean we're all gonna get new overalls then?'

To his credit, the CEO didn't equate the question to that of a complete 'tard as I and some others did, but I heard the new firm shut the place down six months later - coincidence?
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:39, Reply)

For Masterconner....
re: Paris in the UK...

Yup... it's a TINY village outside Holmfirth (take the C577, one of the very very few signposted C-roads God how sad that I know that..) from Holmfirth and then left at the T-junction. Voila - Paris!
(rob3rt, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:21, Reply)

Trainee Hairdresser Strikes Again
See my previous post on this girl to get a(nother) measure of her outrageous dim factor.

In addition to being incredibly thick, she dressed with that ultra-stylish ultra-sluttishness typical of physically hot but dumbass hairdressing trainees with scally boyfriends - tight PVC garments were her favourite thing in the world.

I overheard her talking to one of the stylists in the salon about an outfit she'd procured for a night out the following weekend;

Trainee: '...so I was well pleased with the boots, because they'll go with these really tight hotpants that I've got'
Stylist : {well aware of the girl's taste} 'Would they be PVC, then?'
Trainee: 'Yeah, PVC' {grins}
Stylist: 'Quelle surprise'
Trainee: 'No, it's P-V-C'

This girl will be a woman now, with a grown-up's rights and responsibilities - weep for the world.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:19, Reply)

Bradford stupidity
Last year in Bradford, the council rented out a building in order to demonstrate some ideas about the future development of the city. It was open to the public and was like a gallery with various pictures and demonstrations. One idea was to turn Centenary Square (the central square in Bradford city centre) into a lake of some sort. Anyway, I was in there one day and there was an 'artists impression' of what this imagined lake might look like. It showed families and children paddling in the water, having a picnic, dogs running around etc etc, general loveliness. There were a couple of fellas looking at this picture. One of them says to the other: "will they be able to walk on water?" the other guy paused for a moment. he said again: "will people be able to magically walk on water, like properly?"
I walked out and never went back.
(Bobby T, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:16, Reply)

Doesn't stand a chance
You know when you see a kid and you just feel sorry for them because you know the snotty brat is going to end up Chav because of their half-wit, special brew drinking single parent? Yeah, this is one of them.

I'm in Sainsbury's and I'm just queueing up to pay. All of a sudden, said kid (who was a 3-4ish looking girl) picks up a novel from a shelf, as kids do being exited by something as simple as a supermarket. The ugly, fat mum then turns around and shouts in her chavish tones:

"Oi! That's not a video, that's a book! Stop picking up rubbish!"

...and completely ruins the child's curiosity for life.
(dirty gypsy, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:11, Reply)

Quite simply
Me : are you telling me, youve never heard of b3ta?
Him : beta's a fish right?
(Kazoooooooo, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:06, Reply)

Ah, my Mother...
...wouldn't swap her for anyone else's, but she comes out with some priceless no-brainers, sometimes.

One night over dinner she was telling me that her work had issued her 'one of them UPS memory sticks' to cart softcopies and stuff back and forth.

Used by now to such terms being uttered with such comedic inaccuracy by her, I soldiered on - with hindsight I should've known better.

Being a bit of a tech spod I asked 'How big is it?' She replied by holding her hands about four inches apart on the table and saying 'About that big, give or take.'

One of many occasions where I've held my head in my hands in my mother's presence.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:04, Reply)

My all time classic line...
...when I was stoned and after some munchies one night

"What time does the 24-hour garage shut?"

I rule.
(Hank D, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:04, Reply)

Fairy liquid
Back when I was at school in RE class, the teacher was telling us about AIDS. He said that if you had a sample of the virus in a petri dish something as simple as Fairy liquid could kill it, but once its in a host body it replicates and ends up killing the host.

This caused a fellow pupil to ask "So if you had AIDS you could cure yourself by injecting yourself with Fairy liquid?" To this day nearly 15 years later he still gets abuse for being so stupid.
(Grundie, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:59, Reply)

xmas in dover
My sister:
"they have jesus in america? WOW"
"does israel exist?"
(getting confused between samuel l jackson and wesley snipes:)
Her:"in blade II, did shaft play blade?"
Me:"no, snipes played blade"
Her:"so who did shaft play?"
Me:"samuel l jackson played shaft"
Her:"so who's blade?"
Me:"blade is snipes. jackson is shaft"
Her:"wait let me get this straight - snipes doesn't exist"
Me:"no shaft doesn't exist"
Her:"but you said jackson played him!"
Me:"shut up"
Her:"ok"
Me:>spang<
(5ifty0, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:51, Reply)

A Trainee Hairdresser that a friend of mine used to work with...
...piped up when said friend, myself and a couple of others were having a conversation in the salon that somehow had turned to the subject of moths;

Her: 'Oh yeah, moths are made of dust, aren't they?'
Us: 'You what?'

Apparently the poor girl had been told this by her scally boyfriend, honestly or not I don't know - wouldn't have put either past him. Anyway, we explained the whole butterflyesque mating-eggs-caterpillars-chrysalises thing to her in simple terms - her reply?

'Oh, you're just having me on now'

How dim?

This particular girl is responsible for more classics, but I'll post them seperately when I remember them.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:50, Reply)

Mrs Dizzy Bob loves Nuts
On going through the channel tunnel on Eurostar to enjoy a 'romantic' weekend. "I thought there would be something to look at...you know, windows or something......."

Bless.
(Dizzy Bob loves nuts, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Stupid? Oh yeah!
"There's a god", "I was abducted by aliens", "I'm a bit psychic", "I'm lovin' it".

Will the stupidity never cease?
(the_hammerhead_tart -- In love with a strict machine, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:31, Reply)

Wrong chemical...
...I was sent to standby (paramedic) at a "dangerous chemical spill" until the fire service officers could declare the scene safe. This was a major incident and took about 11 hours to render safe, so it attracted a lot of media attention etc. A young and rather excited rookie police officer turns up early on and asks me what the chemical is and I tell him it is Ammonium Nitrate – I assumed he would know of this industrial fertilizer and it's potential for explosion as it can be used in terrorist bombs (as in the Oklahoma City bomb a few years ago).

Maybe he wasn’t listening to me properly.

He got on his radio to his sergeant and states “It’s been confirmed as Amyl Nitrate and it’s all over the highway”. The two drug squad officers who turned up a short time later were not impressed with what they found.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:11, Reply)

tickety boo
i work in a box office in the west end for a prestigious and expensive theatre venue. We have to process applications that the Mr and Mrs general public send in for various over-blown producions. The form isn't the easiest thing to understand but anyone with half a brain can sit down and work out where it reads "production" you are supposed to write in the production you want tickets for. and similarly, the "number of seats" box is where you are supposed to indicate how many seats you require. These forms are submitted with credit card information so we can sell them the tickets when we get the form.
Mr and Mrs General Public arn't the sharpest tools at B&Q but the people i work with have slightly fewer sandwiches at their picnics. We recieved a somewhat annoyed letter from a customer who once they opened the envelope with their tickets in, they found that their form had been processed incorrectly.
Instead of writing all the information about what seats and how many they required etc. into the boxes, they had written simply "Dress Circle, row B please".
At the cost of many thousands of pounds they had been sold about 50 seats, the entire row B, Dress Circle.
needless to say, the 'error' was corrected.
(sushipimp, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:09, Reply)

Yesterday I overheard
some chav kid say 'why are all queers white?'

also when i was a student in leicester i overheard some twats at a bus stop:

1: ....yeah, so i'm really looking forward to the dilineum
2: the what?
1: you know, the dilineum, everyones talking about it..its supposed to be very good
2: no, what are you on about

it turns out she meant the millenium but was too much of a dozy twat to even know what it was called
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:06, Reply)

Saw a sign for an new Eminem book quoting George W Bush saying
"Eminem is the most dangerous threat to American Children since Polio."

I had a good laugh at this, and pointed the advert out to a friend. He laughed, then said

"Who's Polio?"
( Herr Tezcat, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 17:05, Reply)

the one that my dad regales us with regularly
many moons ago ('78/9, something like the), dear old pa was on his way to work on the north bank. stepping of tower bridge, he turned left, and continued to walk along the bank.

as he went, he saw a pair of american tourist (both over-weight and in loud shirts) holding a map and conversing loudly. he couldn't contain his laughter when he heard one mutter the immortal line:

"i wonder where the tower of london is... i guess it's behing this big ol' castle..."

/arf
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Sun 9 Jan 2005, 16:56, Reply)