oh yeah..
not me but a friend.

OK picture the scene - a pub full of people on new years eve - 11:59 and all is deathly quiet as the pre-arranged minute silence for the Tsunami victims is being observed

My pal comes out of the pub's bogs and says in a voice loud enough to be heard by god himself:
"whats going on - who died?"

We only stayed until ten past 12.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:43, Reply)

Quite a few:
While doing market research
Me:Do you have servers?
Guy on the phone: Of course we do, we're a restaurant!

Circa 1996
Me: Do you know what the internet is?
Woman: It's a new cleaning product.
(albator, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:43, Reply)

In the summer
of last year me and the other half went to a zoo in Wales which had an Alligator House. After we had been watching the ALLIGATORS for a few minutes an enormous scouse family burst in and yapped on for a good 10 minutes about how fascinating the 'crocodiles' were. If it wasn't enough to have to listen to this they then decided to look at the map to see where to go next and the father said 'we're now in the Alligator House so lets go onto to see the seals. Say goodbye to the crocodiles kids.'

Ooooooooohhhhh my seeds!!!
(Loving Vixen, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:37, Reply)

mistafish
Not trying to stir up any bother. Each to their own. I was however, by leaving the quotation marks out, not pointing out the difference between Me and What I Heard.
(domesticterrorist, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:32, Reply)

out for dinner
...ladies mouth not quite connected to brain.

Lady: How many hours do you work?
Guy: thirty eight
Lady: (amazed) A Day!?
(mousehats, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:31, Reply)

At the theatre
we're about to see a modern interpretation of Dylan Thomas'* Under Milk Wood when i hear someone say

"...yeah its a welsh version of Under Milk Wood..."


*Dylan Thomas, famous poet from Swansea, Wales, for all you foreigners
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:28, Reply)

boots!
My father once suggested that I "take those boots off when you're not wearing them".
(urchaidh, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Just remembered another one...
A few years ago I was out with my friend Nikki in her car. We were on our way to my place to go off somewhere else in my car. I told Nikki I'd need to get some petrol on the way. A couple of minutes later, after I'd asked her why she'd pulled in at a garage, she told me that it was so I could get some petrol. It took a couple more seconds for it to dawn on her that ideally I'd need to have my car with me...
Daft cow.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Ah familly
My severely dense cousin once asked me to hold her mobile phone for her because "it was really heavy because the battery was full"

Sometimes i think if my gene pool is somehow polluted.....
(Jenovas_child, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Huh?
And why would anyone want to jump out of a window for a PC game?
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:15, Reply)

spakker boy
He tried to explain to us how infinity was equal to 1.
His sister sat at the top of the stairs holding her breath because she "didnt want to breath too much"
he once crapped in the swimming pool at school. and on a radiator
He broke his leg jumping out of a window for a PC game. On the cast his dad wrote "jason you are such a rondey(sic)", realised it was misspelt and scrubbed over the top to correct it. However, he wrote in pencil and obviously forgot you can rub it out..
Him, his mum and cousin took the dog for a walk through a rapeseed field. He turned to his cousin and said "whenever we come him mum cries because of the rape". She has hayfever.

Definitely some dud genes there
(pissycocks GIRAFFETASTIC!, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:12, Reply)

my girlfriend constantly takes the piss out of me when i order a pizza
because i often ask for a 'large fourteen inch pizza'

'sure you don't want a small fourteen inch pizza' smirks my girlfriend...

oh how she laughs.

mind you, when i was tickling her a few days ago she screamed 'GET OFF OR I'LL WANK OFF!'

which tickled me for ages.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:07, Reply)

Pure Ignorance
This sorry collection has reminded me of a northern fuckwit called Lee who was on our truck traveling round Africa 10 years ago.
On being told that the chimps we were looking at sometimes ate monkeys he asked "what - raw?"
Another day we were all just sitting around not doing much at all when Lee suddenly piped up "it's only 20 minutes until 4 o'clock!" when someone then asked "what's happening at 4 o'clock then?" he shrugged and replied "oh - nothing". This is in addition to him expressing his disappointment on safari at not having seen any tigers yet. He simply wasn't having any of it that there were no tigers in Africa...
What a cock.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:07, Reply)

Not sure of her hair colour, but

A girl my girlfriend works with was really upset and wanted to help all the people living in the country of Tsunami.
(phantomboner, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:00, Reply)

lord of the rings
My housemate has always been a little bit slow on the uptake sometimes as is clearly displayed in this prime example....

Don't ask me how it came up, but some friends and i were talking about the lord of the rings films when my brother asked what was the name of the wizard in the two towers - to which my (ever so clever housemate replied as-quick-as-you-like)
"osama bin laden"

*sigh*

This was the same guy who stated that the bell ringing at a railway level crossing is to help the blind drivers know when to stop.

Oh yeah and when i was showing him a map of london he asked what that blue river running round it was.... That'll be the m25 then.

Please, kill me now.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:00, Reply)

I was once on holiday in Florida, minding my own business, monging on the beach and burning my skin
when a fellow brit approached me to ask me if I knew what altitude we were at.

Twat.
( Muns, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:58, Reply)

Sorry Mum
My dear Mother (Gawd love 'er) is to blame for this nugget of ignorance, or perhaps just plain stupidity.

I was 15 years old with my parents at a place called Masada next to the Dead Sea in Israel. The Dead Sea is the lowest point on earth. Masada sits on a flat mountain top, and is only reachable by cable-car or a particularly gifted yet rather stupid donkey.

We're standing atop the ruins of the ancient fortress looking out over the Dead Sea when two fighter jets come into view. They rumble along the sky line until one veers off and heads in our direction. Remember the height difference here... we were pretty much level with the aircraft.

It screams towards us, getting closer and closer until we all think it's curtains. The pilot then banks away at the last second and leaves our ears ringing and the air crackling as anyone who's ever been to a military airshow will know.

Nobody can speak. Everyone is in a daze ... until my Mother taps me on the shoulder and says ...

"Did you see that?"
(declan_m, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:55, Reply)

I once heard some parents...
...telling their kids that when the ice cream van was playing music it meant they had run out of ice cream.

Then I heard it again, and again, and again,...
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:54, Reply)

Clendrix
Why in the name of all that's holy were you vacationing in Detroit? It's a shithole. I'll do just about anything to keep from having to drive to Detroit. The only time I willingly do is through it on the way to Blessed Canada. Argh.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:54, Reply)

Not just the Americans that get it wrong
Went to Uni in Manchester, and the girl in the room next to me in student halls was from Croydon. She spent the first week thinking that she'd come to a Scottish university, as she thought the border was somewhere round Birmingham(?!!!). She couldnt believe it was possible "to drive so far north, and still be in England"!!!
(emma_fisi, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Norn Irish
smell that flaming shrew reminded me of one. When I was a kid, my sister and I were friends with a couple of Asian kids, well our whole families were friends really. My dad was telling some neighbours of ours about them, the woman (this being in Northern Ireland) asked "So are they Protestants or Catholics?", my dad says "uh, well, they're Hindu actually", daft bitch replies "yes but Catholic Hindus or Protestant ones?". Dad, used to this muppet of a woman, says "Uh, yeah, Protestant ones I think....."
(Demon-boy, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:45, Reply)

seeing double
I forgot the classic one, done by too many people to name check.

When mentioning I have a twin brother,

"ooo twins! are you two identical?"

I am a girl (and a big girl at that) and Weazal is a skinny skateboarding rakechild

I have actually had people do this to me when Weazal (the twin B) has been standing next to me

and this also, usually on my birthday,
"So Jaki you're (insert age here), how old is your twin brother?"
( Not just a hatstand inflamed in the membrane inflamed in the brain, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Mums the word
My mother is the undisputed queen of blue-rinsed, pursed-lipped, dogs arsehole-faced ignorance. A brief selection of her greatest hits:

- On hearing that Lord Owen was heading up the UN peace mission in Yugoslavia; "If that doesn't prove he's been a KGB agent all along then I don't know what does".

- On the news that the queer-hating serial killer Colin Ireland had been apprehended; "Can't they just let him go to kill some more of the perverted bastards?"

- During one of our many, many arguments; "Just because it's a fact, doesn't make it true"

- On ethnic minorities; "They should make more effort to blend in with whites. I don't like seeing so many different colours around."



There are so many more, but I think my brain is blocking them as bad childhood memories.
(Light, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Friends & Relatives
I was playing a game of "who's in the bag?" with friends and one of the clues was "the opposite of Indian" the answer was Cowboy not "Chinese?" which was the first guess made (not by me).

My friend, a very nice welsh girl, goes out with a very nice asian bloke. His mum doesn't approve and once when she was trying to dissuade them from seeing each other said "how are you going to bring your children up - Hindi or Irish. Quite a compelling argument in my book.
(smell that flaming shrew, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Back when I was doing my A-Levels...
many moons ago

Geography teacher - "Can anyone explain how we get plastics ?"
Incredibly dumb blonde - "We MINE it !"

I couldn't stop laughing, she honestly believed we dug large pieces of plastic out the ground in different colours. Says a lot for state education eh ?
(DrGonzo, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Americans and Pizza
While visiting a friend who works as a tour guide in Rome, we decided to have a spot of traditional Italian Pizza for lunch.

Sitting on the terrace of a traditional Italian pizza stall, eating the luscious food; I overheard a really large American woman say to her husband:
"it's not quite as good as the proper ones at Pizza Hut"

Twunt
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:38, Reply)

Dumb Japan
Whilst I was working in Japan with an assortment of native English speakers from various countries, Japanese people asked questions such as:
Do you have football in England?
Do you have baseball in America?
Do you have cucumbers in Wales?
Do you have cotton in New Zealand?
Does everyone in America have a tattoo?
My Welsh friend Pred, to who the cucumber question was directed, replied, "Yes we do, but they're not stupid, small ones like in Japan. In Wales they're f**king massive. It takes three men to lift them." Cue much cucumbery excitement from his Japanese audience.
I holidayed in Detroit with some of these friends. My Kiwi chum experienced this conversation with an American:
US: Are you from England?
NZ: No, I'm from New Zealand.
US: (looking blank)Oh. Man, you speak real good English. What's your real language, like the one you usually speak?
NZ: English
US: No, your, uh, native language. Say something in your native language.
NZ: F**k off you twat.
US: Oh, yeh. Cool.

Americans, post more stories of dozy things we Brits have said!
( thealternativefact, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Ouch

In a previous job, talking to my supervisor. Head of Finance wanders over, and starts talking to us. The guy sat next to the supervisor interrupts, and the Head of Finance just glares at him.

Supervisor, spotting this glare, says "Can I introduce you to my friend, Antonio Di Martino?"

Head of Finance, very loudly: "What is he? Some kind of wop?"

I nearly bit through my tongue.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:31, Reply)

Seven And Seven Is
In Asda, and bought something half price. The till rang it up at more than half price.

Supervisor comes over. "What's the problem?".

Me: "This is normally £11.20 and it's meant to be half price. It's come up at £6.60".

Supervisor: "So what's the problem?"

Me: "It's meant to be half price"

Supervisor: "Yes. That's why it's £6.60"

Me: "No. It's meant to be half price"

Supervisor: "Yes. Half of £11.20 is £6.60"

Me: "No, it isn't"

Supervisor tries to work it out on a calculator, gives up and asks: "So how much is it then?"

Like a fool, I tell her what it really is. I could have knocked another quid off if I'd thought about it....
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:29, Reply)