While the then boyf was changing the oil filter on his car
I wandered over to the book case and picked up the relevant manual.

Hmmm, I thought, how clever the boyf is, to attempt that job without the manual.

Turning to the 'How To Change Oil Filter' page, I read 'do NOT attempt to remove old filter by piercing it with a screwdriver...'

Just then, a strange strangled sound was emitted from beneath the car, as the Boyf learned for himself that the rest of the sentence read (I paraphrase) 'because if you do a load of fucking oil will shoot up your fucking sleeve and you will fucking bang your fucking head on the fucking underside of the fucking car.'
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:19, Reply)

Laptop Screen

"Don't clean your laptop screen with window cleaner"





Fuck
(geegee, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:15, Reply)

I ignored my girlfriend once
on holiday when she told me 'no diving' but i still went for it.

Should have listened to her really, as i came up for air with a smeared red face and a tampon in my mouth.

she could of just bloody told me the painters were in - sheesh.

:|
(nappy rash, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:14, Reply)

"That thing's really fucking shaking!"
If I had read the instructions when unpacking and installing my brand-spanking-new washing machine, I would have known to remove the packing bolts that hold the drum still in transit and it wouldn't have shaken itself to death the first time it was used. Then they told me I'd invalidated my warranty too.

I personally blame the workshy delivery cunt who was meant to install it but claimed that was the tap on my hot pipe was blue, it wasn't up to spec and therefore he couldn't do the install. Like it wasn't perfectly fucking obvious which pipe was HOT.
( wangmaster2000, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Army

After a lot of running around (4 weeks) and general shit they finally issued us with bayonets. And, being the Army, a lecture on your bayonet.

"A bayonet is a sword. It goes on the end of your rifle and is for sticking in people. You cannot throw a bayonet. They've been specifically designed so they *can't* be thrown and I don't give a fuck what you've seen on the telly!!"

Lecture over. Corporal moves away. Bayonet whips through the air and sticks in a tree just above his head....

"Legless!!" "I saw that you fucking horrible turd. What have I just told you!!"

"That you can't throw a bayonet" I mumbled. "I was just checking"

"Well check this out - MAP reference 62,34,27 there's a tin can on the top of the cairn. Go and get it for me."

15 miles in full pack and rifle (with my bayonet) with an enraged corporal screaming at me from the window of a 4-tonner......

I really had to learn to keep my mouth shut and my head down......

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:09, Reply)

Big red sticker on Citroen suspension sphere:
sez...

"DANGER! High Pressure - Follow correct procedure for removal"


pah!


Lucky for me I was behind the rather large leg of the garage ramp when that thing took off..... It left a 1 inch dent in a solid concrete floor.
( TBL I posted this on, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:04, Reply)

.
I really like naive amoeba's story, although some of you are confusing warnings and advice for instructions
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:03, Reply)

"Don't ever let me catch you playing with matches"
Ten minutes later: "Ten packets of Swan Vestas please, mister. They're for me dad."

Twenty minutes later: "Scary, where are your eyebrows?"

One month later: Nicked, for setting off home-made rockets in the school fied.

Three months later: Nicked, for setting off weedkiller bombs up the chalk pits.

Six months later: Nicked again, over that business with the German stick grenade.

Kids! Don't play with matches!
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Videorecorders, computers, etc...
Does anyone ever read the instructions for installing new hardware on your computer, or when plugging in the VCR?

Well, I don't. Resulted in not being able to record anything since 1997.

(Yes, I know: I didn't miss that much, and who cares anyway.)

At least my computer still works...
(nassie999, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:55, Reply)

My dad.
When setting up a playstation got into a furious rage because he couldn't get it to tune in on the TV and this was after he HAD read all the instructions. In his defence the instructions hadn't told him to turn it on first.

I guess they hadn't reckoned on the technical numpty, which is my old man, not even knowing that much.

Bless him.
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:55, Reply)

Do not click 'I like this!'

( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:55, Reply)

Do not play on this building site
I have a 2" long scar on my forhead from dueling with half bricks in the foundations of the new houses.

Strangely many years later my parents brought one of those same houses, so if i sit in their back garden, i can see where i got injured in their neighbours garage! (It's amazing the lengths that people will go to remind you of your mistakes)

still got the bastard back who did it to me, broke his jaw in two places with a violin case whilst knocking him off his bike!
(ceebs, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:48, Reply)

"Don't tread on the cracks or the bears will get you"
Fucking bears. I want my arm back.
( Damien's Hearse, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:44, Reply)

Ignoring Instructions

When I was small, a friend of mine waved a big plastic bottle at me and asked me if I "wanted some drinking yoghurt?" I pointed out the "do not drink" label, but no, he was convinced this was a big jug of a particularly strange, liquid yoghurt that was briefly popular in the 70s.

He was sick for hours, after consuming a suprisingly large quantity of washing liquid.

What instructions have you ignored?
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:44, Reply)

Remember those quiz things they gave you in school,
that said: "read all questions before answering any of them", then went on with a convoluted list of instructions like 'draw five small squares in the corner of this paper' and 'get up on the table and make chicken noises'? Yass?

The riiiight at the bottom it said: "Now that you have finished reading all the questions, go back and complete the first one [what is your name?] only." You know what I mean, yass?

Guess who ignored the first instruction.

Argh.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:34, Reply)

not quite minty fresh
during one of our familys more troubled times we had my nan, grandad, aunt and 2 cousins living with my mum and I in our 3 bed house.

one day whilst in the living room my grandad turned to my mum and said "i dont think much of that new toothpaste you bought. it tasted horrible". this confused my mum as she always bought the same type of colgate. then my cousin pipes up "yeah that toothpaste tastes funny", it wasnt until later that day when my mum went into the bathroom to find a tube of nit cream with a big squeeze mark in the middle and the cap off sitting on the sink that she put two and two together and got lovely nit-free teeth.
( HatBeard, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:31, Reply)

I was once told "don't put that up there"



I shouldn't have put it up there.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Medical problem
I once had a very serious knee injury, and spent 2 weeks on these ultra-painkillers just so I was able to be awake. They were the business, but on the bottle was the worlds biggest "do not drink alcohol whilst on these pills".

Friday night and straight to the bar after work. 1 pint won't hurt. That one went down so quick I thought another would be ok.

10 minutes later, at 7pm, I'm being taken from the pub by some friendly people in yellow coats as I'm halucinating, and basically I started throwing everything I can at the devil behind the bar. Apparently, I threw bottles and ash-trays at something behind the bar, but no-one else could see anything or get me to stop.

Luckily, the ambulance bloke knew what to do as my friend handed the pill packet to him, and he gives me something to help. 3 hours later, I'm wrapped in a blanket in Queens Med, shaking like mad but with my eyes only seeing normal things again.

I went ack to the pub the next day, and it turns out that Satan was the cat in the Bacardi advert. I like cats, but when ever I see those adverts now, I still feel a bit wierd to say the least.
(gjb006, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:29, Reply)

I *always* ignore the instructions
I consider it my job as a bloke to ignore all instructions, manuals and safety advice.

In fact, as my girlfriend can attest, I actually hide all manuals to avoid wimping out and finding how things work the 'easy' way.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 4 May 2006, 13:27, Reply)

Old Houses
When I was a nipper, about 11, I was playing in some derelict houses, chucking bricks at my mates as you do. Well this casual chucking bricks at each other escalated into an all-out war with two teams. One was holed up in an old house, and were lobbing bricks at anything that moved, and me and my team were outside trying to take the building.

As I'd seen far to many war movies as a child I decided that the only thing to do was to storm the building! I armed myself with a dustbin lid as shield and a half brick as my assault weapon and launched my assault.

On the way in I fended off a couple of well-aimed bricks with my trusty bin-lid and managed to make it into the shelter of the ground floor. All I had to do was take the stairs and I'd won.

So I moved towards the open stairs and heard a voice from above. John Winters.

"If you try and come up here I'll stove your bloody head in" quoth John

And with that he started to roll lumps of concrete embedded with half-bricks down the stairs towards me. Not being a total loon I backed off and flattened myself against the wall out of his line of sight.

"I'm warning you" yells John. "Come up here and I'll smash your head in."

And so I waited. for about the next ten minutes big lumps of debris continued to rain down the stairs and then silence. He was out of ammo! Yay! After about 5 minutes I waited and then cautiously stuck my head around the corner to see what he was up to.....

And woke up in an Ambulance. Blood everywhere. Turned out I had a shattered cheekbone and a fractured skull (hairline).

The funny side to this story was that after John had realised what he done he burst into tears and begged the Ambulance guys:

"If he's dead, don't tell his mother it was me!!"

but now when someone threatens to smash my skull in I tend to believe them. Just to be on the safe side.

Cheers

EDIT - Gleeballs - AH! You're using the "it doesn't count as daytime drinking if you haven't actually sobered up from the night before" rule......
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:19, Reply)

Balls
"Never stand behind anyone playing golf in case they hit you on the backswing." my father would intone, repeatedly, despite the fact that I hated golf and hardly ever played, very much unlike him. Bugger me if I didn't make the mistake of standing right behind my brother on the fourth hole and got smacked full force in the mouth with a golf club, shattering several teeth. I would have felt a bit stupid but we were playing crazy golf. I know he was only eight at the time but the damn hole was only three frigging yards away, how much of a bloody backswing did he need?

I got revenge two years later, nothing to do with the need for a backswing mind, he laughed at me when I missed so I just lamped him round the head with a putter. Seemed perfectly logical to a seven year old. My father disagreed oddly. These golf people and their so called 'rules'. Pah!

EDIT: What do you mean, this time of the day Legless? I waited until after breakfast! Well, nearly.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 4 May 2006, 13:04, Reply)

BBC Competition
The BBC had a recent photo manipulation competition involving ambulances. You were supposed to correct the errors in contrast and colour etc. Instead I put the ambulance in to every fucking picture I could get my hands on and emailed it back to the BBC.
Now I can't even look at a .jpg without thinking 'where could I sneak an ambulance..."
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:04, Reply)

My Mother always told me . . .
to get a good education, find a good job and find and marry a nice Geek boy, and have lots of children . . .










Well, I've done most of that . . .










Legless is a good Geek boy, isn't he?







Ohhhhhh . . . she meant "Greek" - whoops. Oh well, I'm happy . . . and Mum can be satisfied with 2 and 1/2 out of three :)
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Thu 4 May 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Diving
Swimming as a young'un. Didn't read the 'No Diving' sign. Dived. Water was only four feet deep. Smack. Blood. Pool evacuated. Plaster applied. Hooray!
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 4 May 2006, 13:03, Reply)

Ignore instructions?
b3ta FAQ? What FAQ?
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Thu 4 May 2006, 12:56, Reply)

Nope...
I'm generally a good girl. I did have a habit of wandering off and not attending lessons, but other than that, I'm decent.

Can't wait for more interesting people's responses!
( Bats, Thu 4 May 2006, 12:54, Reply)

Er
I once posted something on a comedy website that in no way answered the question, just so I could be one of the first. Does that count?

EDIT: Curses, Legless. Ah well, great minds and all that. Well, alcohol addled in this case, but still...
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 4 May 2006, 12:54, Reply)

Heh. First - and Childish
Rob's told me not to try and get first place every week.....


*Snicker*
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 May 2006, 12:52, Reply)