When I were a lad....
My brother owned a shiny green raleigh Striker. I had only just learned to ride a bike and wsa keen to set off to my mates on this green mean machine, "don't forget" says bro, "you have to peddle backwards for the back brake and make sure you do back brake first, otherwise you'll fly over the handle bars" I was yeah, whatever give me the bike. my friends lived on a steep hill and on approaching the house I pulled on the brake and flew over the handle bars down the road on my face, cue me running into his house blood streaming from my face and hands, 3 hours in casualty and i still have the scars.
not funny, no it wasn't
(the tartful splodger, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:19, Reply)

Fuckwit
When having my eyebrows shaped 5 days before my wedding:

"Now, I've just applied the wax. Whatever you do, DON'T open your eyes"

God love her, the beautician managed to individually pick each of my eyelashes out of the cooling wax, resisting the urge to stab me in the eyeballs with her tweezers. For two weeks after, if I opened my eyes too wide they glued open. Which looked lovely in the photos.

Luckily I got married in Las Vegas so at least everyone else there was fatter than me.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:16, Reply)

ooo i just remembered!
our first year form tutor gave us an exam at the end of the first term...
It had all the usual blurb at the top that you get with all exams -
you know; 'take your time', 'think about questions before you
answer them', 'read the whole paper through once before attempting
any questions' etc etc...

It started off with a few simple maths questions... a bit of
science, a couple of french questions - everything we had been
studying in that term really... As the test continued though the questions
started getting a bit more random, such as :

7) Say the alphabet out loud, backwards

12) When you get to this questions, sing the national anthem
in a german accent (?)

14) Attempt to touch your right elbow with your right hand

and

23) Do 20 press ups

The very final question went something like this :

30) Now that you have read this paper (as instructed at the start)
please dis-regard all of the questions

There wasn't a single person in the class who hadn't fallen for it.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:11, Reply)

Don't play in derelict houses....
When I was about 13, I used to be allowed to 'go out and play' with some friends, as my parents believed that I would be doing something innocent and childlike such as flying kites or playing rounders.

No Jose, that wasnt the way. Going out to play in the summer holidays was a licence to wreak havoc. The three of us would wander inner city Birmingham in the July heat buying 10p ice pops and sharing cigarettes. Smoking fags, climbing things and getting chased by dogs/older kids/police/gaylords was the order of the day. A day had been a waste if we didnt come home with a newly discovered porno mag or burglar paint on our clothes. Winding each other up to go into empty derelict houses and buildings and finding the message 'we are watching you' scrawled in blood red paint in the upstairs of one, a tramp chasing us from another and general scare-seven-shades-of-shite-lets-get-the-fack-out-of-here malarkeys were the mutts nuts. They also provided an opportunity to climb things, destroy stuff and smoke without fear of being seen by friends/family/gaylords.

One fine day we found a huge Edwardian type house boarded up. There was access through a back room so we crawled in, to find the staircase missing most of its steps. 'Your mission: Ascend to the first and second floor using ape-like skills'. We all made it to the second floor, investigating rooms in dark conditions as the boarding had shut out some natural light, kicking stuff about and scaring each other.

I started picking up random stuff and throwing it at my mate when I saw black plastic cylinder on the floor amongst the rest of the junk. I tried to open it but it seemed sealed, but something inside it rattled. Using my hands to twist it the cylinder cracked in half and the blood filled syringe from inside fell out of my hands and on to the floor.

Oh my holy fucking bejaysus.

With impeccable comic timing one of my friends shouted 'AIDS' and I started shaking like Michael J Fox. We got the hell out of there, half jumping down the rotten staircase and squeezed out into the sunlight. I thought I was going to die there and then.

I spent the rest of the day, week and month in a perpetual state of fear waiting for my arm to drop off or red pustules to appear over my body. Even to this day, I still wonder...

Love the length baby
( prem1um is full of life, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:05, Reply)

mmmm chlorene
In secondary school doing an experiment with different gases, seeing if they are flammable, if they smell etc, usual 13 year old cack.

When the supply teacher tells the class "lads, whatever you do, dont sniff the chlorene gas..." we asked why but were just told "not to"....weeeelllll cue me and my mate Phil daring each other to sniff it....if our knowledge of WWII was up to scratch we would have worked out that it was the same substance used by the evil hun to "wash" millions of jews, and may have sided with the supply teacher.

Instead....cue two thirteen year olds sniffing the minutest amount of Chlorene only to collapse on the floor gasping for breath and draining our mate Dave's asthma pump (like it would help). Both of us had a stompin headache and I lost so much blood/snot out of my nose I truly thought my brain was trying to make a run for it....guess that supply teacher had a good point after all.

*Edit* Actually gas used in WWII was Zyklon B, Chlorine was in WWI, shows what I learnt :(
(Smellyape liking http://www.b3ta.com/bpma/, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:00, Reply)

I have no idea how any of the features on my phone work
It's a Palm Treo 650, it can connect to the internet, Bluetooth, do email, everything. I can barely make calls on the thing, since the manual lives safely in a drawer and probably won't ever be opened.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:58, Reply)

Exams 2
Whilst at Liverpool, it came to our finals - 4 end of term exams that decide eveything. We all get given our provisional timetables and there is a small note

"Please check this through to make sure you have been registered for the correct exams. Exam times may change - check notice board for updates. Final timetable available 1 week before 1st exam".

1st exam. 19th May. Ordinary Differential Equations. This is one of mine. Next one after this is on the 27th. Only need to revise for this one to start with.

Me not being the best attender, did the usual - chat up "nice but plain girls who have been to all lectures and has lots of notes" at Friday Night Disco, buy them drinks, occasional snogging, get notes off them following day and revise from them. This is just over a week before the exams start. To make this more interesting, after exam crapness in prior tests, I need about an 80% average in these 4 exams to get a PASS.

I then went on a pre-exam 6 day long bar crawl, visiting all my friends, taking in Nottingham, Sheffield, Manchester, Newcastle and Kent. Got back on the 16th, start revising a bit, but in general play CM2 and Goldeneye. Night of 17th, go to Medication at Cream, thinking that this will be the last Hurah before exams.

Get drunk sideways. 2am, getting chips and gravy from Star Kebabs, see Adam, friend from course, heading home from the library.

"How are you?" I ask
"worried about tomorrow!!" he replies,
"Tomorrow? Why?" I question,
"Ordinary Differential Equations exam, can't beleive they moved it forward to 830am today - been in the library all this week revising!"

Realisation happens. Chips disposed off. 10 minutes journey to all night garage for Red Bill, Pro Plus and tabs. In 5 hours I revised like never before. I walked into the exam in a state that could only be described as sloth like. I actually apologised to the people around me because I stunk of booze.

Did exam. No memory of any question. Ended up getting 87%. I couldn't remember a thing.
(gjb006, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:58, Reply)

My uncle once told me...
...never to tell anyone about our game of 'suck the weeping snake'

_{To this day i still have no idea why.}
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:57, Reply)

My ex took great delight in ignoring everything I said.
It was like a matter of honour to him.

One time, he was working outdoors in late July. I said, you ought to wear a hat, and jeans rather than shorts.

'Nah, I've got me sunglasses!' was his completely logical reply.

Next time we met he was in bed with sunstroke.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Microwave popcorn
Being the microwave popcorn know-it-all i am i made 2 fatal mistakes, which in hindsight were given by 2 persons/organisation emminently more qualified to dispense advice on the topic than me 1) the manufacturers and 2) my dad.

Mistake one- on the packet- "careful when removing packaging as hot." How hot can it be its paper ffs- well 20 minutes of hand under cold water tap proved it was very hot!

Mistake 2- dont eat the unpopped ones says Dad- they hurt your teeth. Do they? thinks young mind of me- crunch- sore teeth time. Arsebadgery
(Keyser Soze, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:53, Reply)

playing with knives
In 1988, being a shy and sensitive six-year-old, my grandfather decided it was about time I receive my first pocket-knife. Handing me a blade that, in my little hands, seemed to be the size of a machete, he instructed me to "go and play outside". My mother was horrified and promptly confiscated my new toy and placed in her handbag, stating that I was far to young to own a flick-knife.
Later that day I stole back my knife and went outside to wave it at my friends. I managed to cut my neighbour's arm, along with my own face, the scar of which I still have today. I qickly put the knife back from where I had nicked it and tearfully told my mother that I had been attacked by a cat.

Mother always knows best.


Some sixteen years later I dipped the glans of my penis into a jar of mustard in a local gastropub. The label contained no warning regarding the pain, swelling and immediate ejection from the establishment that promptly followed this action. A severe case of corporate neglect.
(phys! The Horror! The Horror!, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:52, Reply)

Don't run in the house
When I was 5 (and a half), chasing my younger brother about, I slipped on a book I'd left on the floor, and fell chin first into the coffee table, and cut it open so you could see the bone.

Then when I got to hospital, they told me not to move while they gave me 4 anaesthetic injections into my chin, and I told my parents afterwards that I'd moved my leg a bit.
(Oily, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:49, Reply)

PLEASE DO NOT POST ANY MORE STORIES FOR THIS QUESTION OF THE WEEK

(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:49, Reply)

anyone who says :
'not really relevant to the question, but.....'
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:47, Reply)

Exams, yup!
When I was at uni years ago we were repeatedly advised to consult the noticeboard for up-to-date exam locations.

I took no notice and cycled into uni at 9am for a 9:30 start, to find that the exam was in another hall, at the 'other' site, four and a half dangerous rural B-road fecking miles away.

Back on the bike, pedal pedal pedal, reached the hall just within the half hour late entry time, scrible scribble, pass, smug.

That was 25 years ago - I'd probably just cry and give up now.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:46, Reply)

Don't fight at the table
I constantly fought with my twinwhen we were young, our parents gave up trying to stop us and made the new rule 'No fighting at the dinner table'.
Until he stole a roast potatoe from my plate!
Intent on rightous beating i leap up went for his head, unfortunatly his hands flew up to defend himself still holding a rather sharpe steak knife.
A cut vein, unconsciousness, blood spurts, a fit and an ambulance ride later we ended up in A&E.
I now carefully examine him before attacking.
(Amorous Doctor, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:40, Reply)

Exams
Having been told that the RS exam was a real time challenge I leapt in and screamed through all six questions: each one asked you (well, me) to produce a screed of text explaining the ins and outs of some moral quandry. (Notably not ones you encounter everyday: is war bad? How about, if the bird in front of you at the cashpoint leaves a fiver when she walks away, should you let her know? What if she is fit? What if it was a twenty? Now that's a real question)

I managed to just about finish all the questions in the alotted hour and a half. Fingers numb from scribblage I hand in several thousand pages of text to the teacher who looks a little surprised. "Erm, you did just pick two questions right?"

And that's why I am not a priest (That and that whole There Is No God issue)

Sorry that this story is not a hilariously fantastic fabrication and involves nothing more than minor inconvenience.
(ManekiNeko loves horses, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:34, Reply)

Chilli
Mum: "Don't rub your eyes after chopping that chilli"
Well, when someone tells me to not do something...... And my eye became inexplicably itchy just at that point....
Me: "Ow ow ow ow"
Mum: "Ha ha ha"

Crap.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:33, Reply)

Chilli
One late christmas eve after a skinful with my brother and his mate we are back at the parents munching away at some chilli burgers and throwing decorations at each other.
My brother said
"Ok stop it now or i will ram some chilli up your nose"
Pah! says I...

My nose hurt for days afterwards :o(
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:31, Reply)

Post
I was told not to post anything on b3ta.com.

shortnsweet. No apologies.
( peregrinefark, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:26, Reply)

Best before dates
Do these count as ignoring instructions ?

They're usually a guide and I usually reckon there's a few days lead in them. Just not for milk, yoghurt, eggs, etc when the fridge broke down - cue a Homer Simpson style eating everything in the warm fridge at uni paying lip service to those dates.

I was not well, not well at all....

/still off topic?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:17, Reply)

Sweets
My parents always told me to not eat too many sweet becuase they make you sick - I just believe them blindly.

Couple of years ago I went on a road trip with my friend (She will remain nameless) to Wales for a meeting that lasted precisely 1 hour with the people who arranged it turning up 1 hour late made worse by the fact that they were already in Wales and it took us 4 hours each way and the meeting was utterly pointless (rant rant).

Aaaaaaanyhooo - we decided to buy about a pound and a half of sweets and eat them all. Quickly.

Turns out eating that many sweets does indeed make you ill.....

/off topic?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 4 May 2006, 15:14, Reply)

A teacher
at primary school advised me not to lick the frozen playground climbing frame one winter's lunchtime. I was still stuck to it long after the other children had gone inside for their milk and iced gems.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:53, Reply)

My dad got made redundant
and bought a motor caravan with the money. Possibly so we could go on holiday more cheaply, but probably because he fancied driving a big truck.

Whatever. It had a large grille on one side that had the letters H, O and T embossed on it.

I put my hand on it to see how hot it was - and neatly embossed the letters T, O and H on my fingers.
( chthonic, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:42, Reply)

me and cars eh? tsk eh? tsk eh?
future mrs magictorch notices expensive bloody oil level on our newish car is low - fair enough, i have been 'driving hard'.

manual:
capacity from min to max mark on dipstick for your nice new mini cooper s - 1.5 pints of expensive bloody oil

me: (without reference to clear well laid out manual)
ah... i think 2 litres of expensive bloody oil should do the trick.



*gets nearly mrs magictorch to call the mini breakdown peeps who come and drain the engine of expensive bloody oil before driving it screws the lovely fast engine*
(magictorch, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:42, Reply)

Marmite
One afternoon, when i was a small lad, i was hunting round the kitchen for something to eat, as you do when your a small lad. Anyway i spot a jar of Marmite in the cupboard and begin to spread it on some bread.. my mum takes a look and says "You only need a little bit of that on" i say to her "there is no rationing anymore" she says "ok then" I continue to spread tons and tons and tons of marmite on the bread.

I get to my room, take one bite, and throw it in the bin.
(TheAmazingMrMagical Live from the BBC, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:41, Reply)

Ahhhh.
My ex wife.

When she got to the bit:

For richer for poorer
In sickness and in health

She thought it was a multiple choice question....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:41, Reply)

...and the scars to prove it
Two really -

"Don't mess about with strange dogs" - got a nasty scar on my upper lip from the neighbor's demon-beast 'Tippy'.

"Don't put dried beans up your nose" Yeah, wound up at the hospital for that one - they can go quite far up, really... maybe even nudged my brain.
(Backslash, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Do Vows Count?
I was once instructed by a vicar to "forsake all others" does that count as an instruction? if so Oops.
(the tartful splodger, Thu 4 May 2006, 14:35, Reply)