Laurel and Hardy
In "A Chump at Oxford"

"Chin up fatty! All of them!"
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

In response
to a previous post about the use of ACE and SKILL as insults (SKILL being an Arican bum disease), I remember a similar one from primary school; DUDE (somehow it went around that DUDE was the word for a camels bell-end)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

I am the king of insults.
If you get into an argument with me, I can murder anyone with my repetoire of insults.
Firstly: Your mum! While it may be basic, and everyone knows it, just chuck it in there while having an argument and it's sure to stop them in their tracks.

Secondly: Your face.. on toast!--The correct usage is the same as "your mum" but must be timed properly, only expert insulters know how to use this. You must wait for the initial shock of you shouting "your face!" at them to end, and just as they are about to come up with an (undoubtedly shit rebuttal) you say "on toast!". A little known fact is that this started the Cold War.

Now this is the insult reply for beginners and pros alike: if you get insulted you simply reply "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I? And if you say the same thing back to me, you're a chimpanzee". Everyone can use this to great effect, highly recommended against everyone.

Now here we come to one of the more potent insults: You big fat poo poo head. Yes, that's right, I resorted to the wit of a 4 year old. The dangerous thing about this is that everyone can use it to massive affect, use wisely.

And finally, it comes to the most potent insult of all, now you should never, ever use this insult unless faced with to prospect of actually losing the fight. This insult can literally kill people. Especially with correct useage.
What you must do is say it thusly (in a deadpan manner) "You, sir (even if it's a girl) are a blowjob."

Say it with as little emotion as possible.
You can not come back to it, it is impossible, and you can replace "blowjob" with any manner of sex acts such as "wank", "bukkake" or even "arse felching"

If you have got this far, then congratulations, you will now win any argument you're faced with, or lose all your friends, either way it's win-win!
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

Musical Swears
I heard on the radio the other day that this is the latest trend. You take a swear and a musical instrument and combine the two... Fuck Trumpet and Cunt Snare are two that spring to mind...
(SillyMoo, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

Schoolyard...
"She's got a cunt like a welly-top"
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

Numpty Bollocks.
Always works for me.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:36, Reply)

Churchill!
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:36, Reply)

TheThing
Showing my age and my geekiness but my favourite insult was one the Thing used in an old Fantastic Four comic.

"Your mother swims after troop ships."

That has stuck in my head for at least thirty years.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Ya Mams a Pirate......
And ya Dads a Dinner Lady

hahahahahahaha
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:32, Reply)

My Printer
was taken in to be repaired (in the days when the things cost enough money for it to be worth repairing), and among the paperwork I see:

Notes: DIRTY

Oh, cheers.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Weight
You so fat, I bet your passport photo is an aerial shot...
(ColdLazarus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Not mine, but told recently............
In the world of multiplayer, user generated content is what makes nerds proud.

A friend had posted a load of missions for LOMAC flight sim only to have someone download and redistribute them as their own.

When the word got out about this, another forumite posted that they were a 'retarded bunch of cunt trumpets'.

Length....play as long as their lips dont dry out!
(indigo_prime, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Wodehouse!
A quote from a master:

He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say "when!"
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Brain donors
I like to call people who are too stupid to work the ticket barriers at the station "brain donors" ... but only when they can't hear me.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:31, Reply)

My wife....
... usually seems like butter wouldn't melt, but only until you get to know her.

My brother was waffling on about some craic he and his manager had been having at work. For about 15 minutes it was all "Jim Said this, Jim did that, Then Jim said.."

Right in the middle of his recounting yet another boring story he cam to "and then I said..." my wife interrupted fantastically with "Hang on, how could you talk with Jim's cock in your mouth?" We all just cracked up.

(Hope this wasn't one of those 'had to be there' things)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:30, Reply)

Ah the Swiss
A couple of gems from the CRAZY Swiss:

Du bist ein Sitzpinkler = You sit down when you piss

Sie nehmen warme Duschen = You take warm showers

Offensive in the extreme
(ColdLazarus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:29, Reply)

one of my favourites
when insulting someone with dodgy teeth....

"your teeth look like an explosion in a piano factory"
(boosh, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:28, Reply)

These are yours!
I was out drinking with my matey the almighty Wressel, now she's a big girl and very very funny but she does get a bit of stick, however I kind of look forward to any blokes being twunts to her because she comes out with some great lines.

So anyway out we were in a bar in Durham just a few feet from a big gang of lads, one of them looks at his mates and saunters over to Wressel
'Hey gorgeous, my mate fancies you....hurhur'

Wressel puts down her pint of cider and flips him the v's with one hand
'These are yours'
She then flips him the v's with the other hand
'These are your mate's', now kiss my fat arse and fuck right off'
Shortly followed by monkey boy scuttling off

I love The Wress me.
Oh and my personal favourite insult is Cock-Snot. Yay

Oh yeah, POP!
(allyourbasekris Hotdog, Jumping Frog, Alberquerque, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:28, Reply)

One from my girlfriend's daughter!
My girlfriend has two adult daughters (well, they're in their twenties, anyway), and one of them told her about something her boyfriend said to her one night.

It's a well-established fact that after sex, men get extremely sleepy while women feel charged up and energetic and bouncy. (Nothing personal, ladies, but after a good shag we really need to sleep for at least ten minutes.)

So one night after sex she was talking to her boyfriend, chattering like a ten-year-old on espresso, when her boyfriend looked blearily at her and announced, "I wish you were a bird."

"A bird? Why?"

"Because then I could put a blanket over your cage and you would shut the fuck up!"

I'm not sure what his fate was after that...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:27, Reply)

When I was a nipper
The insult of choice between me and my sister was 'You're a little boy'.

Still quite valid, I think. Little boys are horrid.
(Pachey, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:26, Reply)

"You wife-swapping SHITBOX!"
Shout it at somebody today.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Scottish insults
Both my parents are scots....my dad often used to refer to boyfriends of mine as the "wee nyaff"
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:25, Reply)

At last a QOTW I'll join in on
One of my favourites is describing a woman as "having a face like a bucket of smashed crabs".

/lurk
(ColdLazarus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:21, Reply)

need to offer up a good put down to a young lady?
call her a cum-sponge

I'm also fond of calling people "gypsy slag-wagon"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Sad one,
My brother got a job as a Tesco security guard. As most people are, he was really keen for the first couple of weeks, so i started to call him supermarket-cop. I wish I could remember the stuff i came up with as some of it was brilliant, I would usually cut him offat source with things like;
He - "Oh at work yesterday.."
Me - "Did you bust a one-eighty-seven near the pick'n'mix?!!?"
He - "Fuck off. No, I..."
Me - "Did you smack-down a riot at the deli-counter?!!?"
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Scottish soubriquet
When I was at school a common means of informing a minion that you would, for example, like to share of his tobacco products would be, "Heh, Cuntis McFuck, ah'm twos up on that fag !" How sophisticated is that ?
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:20, Reply)

backhanded insult
a doctor once described me in my medical report as being 'well nourished' the cheeky fuckin spunk gulper
(miklambam, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:18, Reply)

"Look at him..."
"Look at him," the wife said, gesturing to the suspicious-looking guy standing at the bus stop.

"What about him?"

"He looks like a right spingy eek."

My adivce to you, dear b3ta readers: Don't be a spingy eek.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:18, Reply)

Coffee table
After the scene in Weeds - two stoned guys sitting discussing what the name of a delicate area was....they ask a woman - "What do you call the thing between the asshole and the dick?"
"That's the coffee table"
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Traffic Warden
Parked up car, nipped out to chippy leaving mother and car on double yellow lines.

Along comes a traffic warden (only doing there job I might add, nothing against them personally).

Who walks up to the car and (with my mother's window open as it was quite hot) preceeds to ask my mother 'Can You Read' (gestering at the notice on the lamppost).

My mother, quite miffed replies with a
"Yes thank you, that's why i'm a Director of an Advertising Agency and your a Traffic Warden, now give me the ticket and go away".

Traffic Warden just walked off.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:16, Reply)