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This is a question Insults

Last week two kids ran past me, one chasing the other. As they passed, the little boy turns to the girl chasing him and screams, "go away, you, you... you GIRLPANTS."

She stopped dead, cut to the core. Well, sort of. Anyway, we've added it to our repertoire, but are keen to expand further our sweary lexicon. What's the best insult you've heard? How effective was it? How did they retaliate?

(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 12:48)
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This question is now closed.

My Personal Favourites
Most of my favourites have already come up - my current fave being Fuck Knuckle.
Still like plum - as in "Ricky, you plum" (in a Mike Reid accent.
The piece de resistance to be directed at a female who thinks that she is all that she's not - " Shut it, spunk trumpet"
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:16, Reply)

'Nuff sed
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:14, Reply)
spongebob insults
there's classics to be found watching spongebob squarepants:

knucklehead mcspazzatron
sir nerdleroy

cant't remember any others
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:13, Reply)
Find it disrepectful to be referred to as fuck-meat.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:13, Reply)
two goodies...
i like 'cock-monkey' - as in 'shut-up you flaming cock-monkey
'twat wagon' to describe any 4x4 or SUV as they are invariably driven by twats
and (from brass-eye)
'have some self-re-cocking-spect'
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:13, Reply)
Gay homophobe
I was winding up my friend and she turned around and shouted;

"Well YOU, you're just a... just a GAY HOMOPHOBE."

Now, whenever anything is bad we say "Aw, I missed the bus. What a gay homophobe!"
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:13, Reply)
To paraphrase Winston Churchill...
I used to be a bit of a hefty fucker a few years back. So I've been used to the odd "fat cow" type jibe.

I was walking back from work one night, chatting to my mum on my mobile phone when a bloke, totally randomly, came up to me and said "Why don't you keep your voice down, you fat bitch?"

My normal response would have been to run away and cry but for once I stood up for myself and replied,

"I may be fat, but at least I can diet. You, however, will always be a cunt."

Then I ran away and cried. Showed him, didn't it...
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:12, Reply)
As a working (!) philosopher, one of the strongest insults I can give is...

wait for it...

(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:12, Reply)
One of my favourites still has to be
Window licker. (A reference to those who ride the special bus)
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:11, Reply)
The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101
Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult types that figure on B3ta follow the following ratio:

1. [Something insulting / rude verb]
2. + “you”
3. + [measure of magnitude / insulting plural if required] + “of”
4. + [sweary / rude word / adjective]
5. + [dull, functional noun or verb. Possibly with ryhming or use of alliteration].


“Lick my left one, you gaggle of total spluff gargling twat-ticklers”

Lets examine the ratio in it's individual parts and phrases:

1. The insult / rude gesture has to imply something graphic which can be given sexual connotations. Examples are:


You therefore have to add this verb to an intimate part of your anatomy. Examples:

Scrote sack

2. “You” – used as a direct confirmation of the recipient of the verbal assault.
3. If used against a singular, example to stress magnitude can be:


If used against multiple recipients, then examples to proceed the word ‘of’ are:

Bag full

4. This is the easy part. However, it can duly be noted that mere rudeness can achieve the same objective as the swear, however, if an insult is to be hurled in anger then a swear is more effective. Examples of the token swear here are:

Arse (ass for our American cousins)
Fanny (For our American friends, just use ‘cunt’ again)

5. Now, relevance is of little importance for this final section of the insult. Examples of pointless nouns / verbs include:

Chewer / gobbler

Now it’s all down to you, class. Put parts 1 through 5 together and try to put your own unique slant on an insult using the examples above (or even some of your own for extra points).

Remember...each ingredient of the insult is as important as it’s comrades in the insult mix, and therefore a good insult can be ruined by a ‘weak link’ i.e:

"Cock off, you total testicle-full of cum-drippings"

Additional tip: Diversity is the key to success. Phrases such as:

“Poo off and poo yourself, you pooey poo-bag of poos” often fails in it’s effectiveness and shows a lack of imagination.

However, the combination of words like twat & cunt to make ‘twunt’, and ‘Fuck’ and ‘retard’ to make ‘fucktard’ can be potent down-putters with devastating effects.

Good luck people. Together we can make people feel like the little gonad-nuggets that they deserve to be.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:11, Reply)
"you're a motherfucking snowblowing astronaut
who wears army boots and works for the council."

My brother used it once when I was 12 and it's been stuck in my head ever since.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:10, Reply)
I use my own surname as an insult...
No, it's not some emo self-hate thing.

Let's say that my surname is Smith and that my mother's maiden name was Jones.

It's not a flawless generalisation, but, as a rule, the Smith side of the family is more pragmatic, down-to-earth and... petit bourgeois. The kind of people who enjoy car maintenance, if you will. The Jones side, by comparison, is a bit more boho. I get on well enough with all, but tend to be more comfortable with the Jones side. More my style.

My brother is definitly more of a Smith; and when I say that he is, I don't mean it as a term of high praise...

Sorry, Dad...
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:10, Reply)
Jerry Sadowitz
"Nelson Mandela, what a cunt"

'nuff said
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:09, Reply)
...like spit on a wall
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:09, Reply)
Wimbledon FuCoff
It was whilst watching the mighty Wimbledon in their Selhurt[sic] Park days that I found myself surrounded by some of South London's finest 'ard men.
As the match kicked off they started some good old fashioned jocularity, after a wee while we were all having a good laugh but then the language got a bit fruity. Some gentleman pointed out that there were kids in the crowd and would they mind not swearing. I cringed in anticipation of a right, royal rollaround but to my astonishment they apologised and stopped the swearing.
Minutes later the ref blew up against the Dons (as they tended to) when the biggest of them geared up for what looked like a huge swear, as he was about to let rip you could see a thought process of 'don't swear' cross his mind and instead chose to call the referee a 'RUDDY DOUGHNUT' to which all his mates pissed themselves and called him a daft cunt. It was hard not to agree, the rest of the match was spent following every decision by the ref with some sort of bakery related instult.
It was possibly the best match ever and considering I don't remember who it was against that can't be a bad thing.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:08, Reply)
One that still makes me giggle to this day...
"I'm going to rape her so hard then sow her with salt so that nothing may grow there again".

I wasn't invited to speak at the WI again :(
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:08, Reply)
Calling someone a 'cunting fucker' is wonderful.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:06, Reply)
Random improvisation
I am constantly reminded by Mr Wednesday that I once referred to another of our clan who was annoying me as an "ugly bag of Satan's nipple wax.": seemed to have the desired effect.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:06, Reply)
Insult for use in clubs, discos and salsa/tango classes.
From Red Dwarf:
"You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than that."
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:06, Reply)
My college was filled with a lot of "ten percenters"
This was the affectionate term we used to describe the students who were a little "special". At times, when I waited outside the room for my 9am English Lecture, there would be a "social group" organised in the classroom next door to us. I heard a lot of weird insults at 9am. It wasn't anybody taking the piss out of them, rather them taking the piss out of each other.

"Fuck off, Bigthumbs"

"Your Dad had sex with your mum!"

"What is it tomorrow? INCEST NIGHT?"

"You're so thick, that's why you're in this special class"
"Uh uh.. why are you in it then?"
"I'm an observer.. duh!"

At one point, somebody nicked a creme egg I was eating with the odd retort of "Kiss me, you fuck!"

I miss college.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:06, Reply)
Self explanatory...

You snot-gobbling fuck-pig.

Stolen from my deceased stebrother, but he was a useless fuckwit smackhead tosser, so keeping it in use is the only way i care to serve his "used-a-hoover-cable-and-couldn't-tie-a-proper-fucking-knot, bet-he-shit-his-pants-aswell memory.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:05, Reply)
Slack-chested lady meets policeman
A mate's dad (a copper actually) spotted a spectacularly top heavy lady whom had been suffering the prolonged effects of gravity and/or lack of support.

"Fuck me, she's got tits like a rooftiler's nailbags"
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:05, Reply)
The best insult by far is easilly

(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:05, Reply)
Always good in a crowded place...
To embarrass one of your mates simply declare in a loud shocked and upset voice "What did you have to bring that up for?!?!?, you know I cant read!" and then stomp off in a huff. Leaving said mate not knowing what the feck to do but feel the glare of all the people around him.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:03, Reply)
She couldn't be uglier...
if she'd had her face set on fire and had it beaten out with a bike chain...
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:02, Reply)
Well your mam
works on the waltzers in Rhyll!!
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:01, Reply)
Dunno if I made it up or stole it, but it's a great way to mock stupidity.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:00, Reply)
Face like...
...a slapped arse
...a bulldog chewing a wasp
...a smashed crab
...the south end of a north-bound horse
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:00, Reply)
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:57, Reply)
You big JOEY. Poor old Mr Deacon
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:57, Reply)

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