the ultimate
Yes, but you've got no friends, and nobody likes you.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:06, Reply)

Got a match?
Some people at my school were slow.
Stood behind the bike sheds* one morning break smoking our one strand rollies someone comes up and asks for a light.
"got a match?"
"yeah," said my mate "my face, your arse" pause "err, no, I mean your arse, my face" pause "no, I mean..."
but we missed what he said as we were all laughing so hard

*actually it was the toilets but bike sheds sounds better
(bald old git was bemused and befuddled on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:06, Reply)

The best insult is an understatement.
I have no examples.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:05, Reply)

From a poorly censored 'daytime' version of a film ...
"Fruit you, melon farmer!"

Only in America can you blow up entire busloads of innocent people on TV before 9pm, but you can't have someone say 'fuck' ... *sigh*
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:05, Reply)

Bear with me,
This one's a gesture so I'll try to describe it.

When someone displays proper shit driving by cutting you up or commiting any other kind of driving fuck-up. My preferred response is to get within sight of them and act out the following mime;

Point at your target in an accusatory manner then mimic drinking from a pint glass and being pissed behind a steering wheel (loll your tongue out and wobble your head around, while steering erratically)

I've only managed to do this effectively once, after some dosey tart cut me up and I pulled alongside her and beeped the horn. The look on her face was absolutely priceless though and effectively erased my compulsion to road-rage

I eagerly await my next opportunity.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:04, Reply)

Rachelswipe....
You knobjockey.

On the subject of Family Guy;

Daughter whose name I forget: "[Son whose name I forget] is hogging all the fans!"

Son whose name I forget: "Yeah! Well....you're hogging all....the ugly!"

I once got in trouble for telling my sister she had cancer of the face.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:02, Reply)

It tickled me...
...but back in the mid 90's during the annual school trip to Alton Towers me and some friends were roaming round in our little clique when the "cocky" one of us shouts to this rather foxy lass.

"Nice arse love..."

She responds with nothing more then a dirty look to which he replies...

"shame it's on ya face!"

Hopefully you didn't have to be their to enjoy it.

Other fav words are :

Spunk Sponge
Spooge horder
Fudgepacker
Son of a fudgepacker
( Slapnutz, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:02, Reply)

It's true....
"Your face" can be used as a comeback to any insult. Without fail.

A calm uttering of "Fuck off and die" will work wonders too. The silence that ensues is the perfect opportunity to walk off, having won the argument/insult match/court case.
(DTBrush, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:00, Reply)

A friend of mine, during a games lesson at school,
was once given the punishment of having to do laps around the rugby pitch (because we played proper man's sports at our school, none of this gay football nonsense) for calling a fellow student "penis breath".

To the best of our knowledge the student on the receiving end of this insult had not fellated anybody, but we may have been wrong.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:59, Reply)

one of Gollum's
"Stupid FAT hobbit!"

ha ha!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:57, Reply)

Gangsta trippin'
A few years ago I took my life in my hands by getting a bus into Birmingham city centre and sitting on the top deck. At the back were a group of wannabe gangsta's wives with one arsey looking lad sitting there like the king pimp.

For most of the journey, the girls were loudy, excitedly and incessantly carping on about their boyfriends in that ghetto trash Jerry Springer esque way (but with Brummie accents), with head wobbling from side to side and gesticulations aplenty in that talk to the hand type fashion.

The edifying chat contained exchanges including;

"If he was my man I wouldn't let him treat me like 'dat"
"My man gotta treat me wiv respect"
"That boy would get no lovin' off me if he was my man and did 'dat to me"
"If my man mess with me he get his dick cut off I'm tellin ya".

King Pimp who had sat silently until now, had become visibly more annoyed and lost his patience culminating a belittling outburst, during which he pointed at each of the girls in turn and asked the following question repeatedly:

KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 1: No
KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 2: No
KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 3: No
KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 4: No
KP: I rest my case.

They all shut up for the rest of the journey.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:57, Reply)

Aberystwyth
So yeah, I go to university here, 316 miles away from my Margate home.
I think what sealed the deal for me was walking around the town on the open day evening and hearing a delightful young character screaming from their bedroom window;

'YEAH, YOUR MUM'S GOT ATHLETE'S FOOT!'

Honestly, I could have pissed myself there and then and I wouldn't have cared, it was sheer brilliance.
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:56, Reply)

Skill = African bum disease (what?!), Dude = camel's penis, etc
In addition to the other definitions used by children which you won't find in any respectable dictionary, "cool" was, apparently, at least at my school, another word for dysentry.

So, by saying you were a "cool dude" (this was the 80s. Such things were acceptable back then), you were actually describing yourself as a camel's dick with the squits.

Animal biology was clearly not a strong point in the curriculum.
( le brian, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:55, Reply)

While travelling in convoy...
...to 'Summer Camp' in Wales, me and my 'good buddy' sometimes stay in touch via walkie-talkies in a CB radio stylee. Its not uncommon for swearys to be used as fake call signs.

Cunty-sticks and Wank-berries being particular favourites of mine.

Edit. And lets not forget flange-monkey :-)
(TC, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:55, Reply)

Not mine but....
This ones from Law of the Playground but it always makes me laugh - one up from Gaylord, we have the Dowager Duchess of Gay!
Also in reply to many an insult match between my ex and his brothers is 'your mom' closely followed by 'on stilts'.
My personal insult du jour is muppet (in a London accent, obviously)
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:52, Reply)

African Bum Disease
A typical conversation between boys at my primary school in the 1980's:

"You've got African Bum Disease"
"No! You Have!"
"Are you skill?"
"Yeah"
"HA! you admitted it!, you have African Bum Disease!"

The other week I was playing snooker with a friend, it was the deciding frame and my friend was lining up for the winning pot. As a true English sportsman I knew I had to put him off. I said to him, "If you pot this...(wracking my brains for the appropriate psyche-out)...you've got...AFRICAN BUM DISEASE!"

My mate laughed so hard he fluffed the shot, but so did all the players on the tables around us. One old guy was laughing so hard he had to sit down, tears streaming down his face as he repeated it to himself, "African...bum...disease...african...bum...disease".
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:52, Reply)

One from school
When I was a teenage delinquent (not quite) I learned that the very best of insults are ones that prey upon an element of truth or exploit a deep personal insecurity. It was probably the most valuable thing my bumfish French teacher ever gave me.

When shouting at me (really close, in my face) I was physically repulsed by the stench of his breath (halitosis? teachers? NEVER!) I calmly replied when he paused to inhale;
"Will you please move back, your breath smells like dogshit and it's really making me feel unwell" it was a rare occasion for me to have the entire class roaring with laughter nad rather enjoyable.

Rather than being expelled, suspended, reported or physically beaten as I'd expected, he just blushed a shade of nuclear beetroot and left the room.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:50, Reply)

cumsponge
and spunktrench/spunkbucket are also good.

the ab fab classic:
bloodybollockselfishtwofacedchickenbastardpigdogman

for sheer venom: LEPER!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:50, Reply)

This yummy mummy
who was flirting with me in the pub asks me if I had a small cock, to which i replied, "Well that depends how big your vagina is"
(JonnyWad, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:49, Reply)

One last quote from a famous person...
Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee."
Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Not original, but well loved.
Steaming jug of cock custard

Cunt mustard

Shit eating donkey rapist

Shit weasal

Kentucky bucket (for the er, more popular, lady)
(Pig_of_Doom, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:47, Reply)

A Very Gentle Insult
Back in the good old days of the seventies, we had a good natured very mild insult which on seeing a mate went "Hey-Up Smell" to which the correct response was "Hey-Up Smell you twat" or something along those lines.
This was popular until we extended it to our customers ( motor-trade grease monkeys bear in mind ), one took it a little bit personally and when we had greeted him with "Hey-Up Smell" once too often he exploded big-time and said " What the hells all this Smell business, jack it in yoof, it gets reyt up my nose."
We maintained a dignified but slightly abashed look until we were out of sight when...................GuffawGuffawGuffaw
Sorry its a bit rubbish but hey....first post and all that..........
(riccardo the exotic, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:47, Reply)

i LOVE this qotw! i will learn a lot.
for me the ultimate insults usually come from the amazing stewie griffin. i cried with laughter when he said imperiously to brian:

"you need to be worried about the creepy crawlies eking their way out of your balloon knot"

and the things he comes out with for lois - something sarky about the dried up curds from her withered breasts being nectar - sheer genius.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:45, Reply)

Middle-class twat...
I recently added to some innocuous comment the plainly ridiculous suffix, "Because I'm street like that."

My mate Rob looked at me - and my cardigan - for a moment, then said with disdain, "More 'avenue', actually."

Guilty.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:42, Reply)

Wank
Ofen used by my wife as a replacement for fuck. Cut your finger... "Oh WANK!"

In the same family (not context) are;
Wank-stain
Spunk-bubble
Tosspot
Knob-cheese
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:42, Reply)

Actually happened to me
Is it in yet?
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:41, Reply)

from Scrubs
the ultimate retort:

"so's your face"

it can be used to answer any insult. it's made all the sweeter when afterwards the insulter retorts "that's stupid" leaving themselves wide open for another bashing with "so's your face"

comedy gold
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:41, Reply)

Churchill on America!
"You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:40, Reply)

OG
My friends and I, for some reason, find it hilarious to talk like Rude Boys (in a "Wot you on? You is jokes, bruv" type-manner) when we are refreshed of an evening.

One evening in question, two of my friends had a mock slanging match in rude boy fashion, culminating with:

A: "You fink you's gangsta? I'm OG."

B: "You ain't OG, you ain't even PG!"

Which I thought rather witty, considering the state he was in.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:39, Reply)

I've always reather like calling someone
... a tube.

This was made all the more amusing with the presence of YouTube...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:38, Reply)