"I bent down to pick up a t-shirt and now I have a nose bleed"
My boss was not amused.

Mind you I aparently bust a pretty big blood vesal and by the time I got to hospital I'd lost a few pints of blood - by the time it had stopped I'd lost a few litres and was on a lovely drip for a while.



ps. Throwing up blood all over an ent surgeon as he is putting packing up your nose does not go down well.
( SiX and his hat, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Tortoise
Best excuse when I was at school all those years ago....
Kid turns up just as lessons restart after lunch. Claims his tortoise had escaped and he had spent all morning chasing around the garden!
Teacher was laughing so hard he got let off!!!!!!!
(sparticus, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:51, Reply)

I've lost my car
DP: "Hi, I was out last night and can't remember what I did with the car. I'll have to find it before I can get to work."

BOSS: "Twat.

2 weeks later I did the same thing.

And again a couple of months ago.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:48, Reply)

Gambling; With my future...
I had realistic sniffles, a realistic cough and sounded ill. My boss was sympathetic and said "DP, just have today off, and tomorrow. Get well. Give me a call tomorrow and let me know how you are."

I got off the phone, removed the cotton wool from my nose and cracked open a can, with my friend. We got into the car and set off for a heady day and night of drinking and gambling.

We had a great time, dressed in our finest suits and hats, throwing money around as if we could afford it, and drinking until we were stumbling around like things demented, before falling asleep in the field surrounded by discarded bottles of beer and champagne.

We got home, in a cab, and I was looking forward to having my second sick day to recover. However at 8 the next morning my phone rang. It was my MD. He knew something I didn't. He enquired as to my health, and gave me enough rope to comprehensively hang myself with.

What he knew, and I didn't, was that the local tv station had zoomed in on two unconscious revellers and uttered the words "Here are a couple of people who've had a good day!"

Sadly, tv evidence is very hard to refute.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Late for a gig
If you have read some of my previous posts you may know that I'm a musician in my life outside the day job. Anyway, one Friday a few years back I was booked to play at a wedding in a place called Banknock, which is about an hour from where I live. So I got home from work, reversed the car up the drive for easy loading, ate, washed, dressed, read the paper for a bit and left to go to the wedding.

I was in good time, so was pootling down the road in no hurry. Somewhere on the A9, around Dunblane, I thought, "Bugger, I can't recall putting in my hard drive" (I used to carry a removable drive with sound samples stored on it) and looked over my shoulder to check whether I'd put it into the back of the car.

It wasn't there.

But neither was anything else. No keyboards, amplifiers, stands, cables. Nothing. I'd forgotten to load the car. I'd even folded the seats down in preparation, but hadn't actually loaded anything in, which went some way to explaining why I seemed to be in such good time.

So I had to about turn and leg it back home, much more quickly, and pick it all up. Now, most weddings run late. Except of course this one. So when I screeched sideways into the hotel car park and ran into the function room, the rest of the band and the whole company were ready and waiting for me.

What a fanny.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:35, Reply)

Late for work...
I once managed a call centre and a girl (whom I had ugandan relations with but thats another story) gave her excuse for being half an hour late "Sorry I was watching neighbours". I was so dumfounded by her honesty that I jst mumbled "Yeah okay then...".

Length ? She didn't complain but moaned a lot !
(Tammytastic, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:35, Reply)

Finally one i can answer..
Ok i have an absolute gem. I work as a sales assistant, glamorous i know, and one day i did'nt show up for work at all. My excuse?

Well my entire family had gone up to Derby to take my brother back to uni, i could'nt go seeing as i had work and could'nt get the time off. I had a new boyfriend at the time and thought it would be a good idea to have him stay over.
Cue him inviting all his mates over to my house to get bladdered. They ended up SEVERLEY blocking my toilet...the sight of your new boyfriends shit spilling over your bog could have qualified as the most horrific thing i have ever seen. There was food trampled through my carpets...it was a mess.
So what do i do? Turn my phone off so work can't get hold of me. When they eventually do i give them this absolute gem of an excuse:

"I went out last night and someone stole my bag, it had my house keys and phone in it, so i had to sleep at my boyfriends house...and also the people who stole my bag have appeared to have broken into my house and trashed it...and they had my phone thats why i couldnt phone you until now...plus...erm...i had to give a statement to the police..."

BIG MISTAKE. My boss knows my mum, so when she got back from Derby she demanded to know who had 'broken into our house'....oops.

/generic length joke
(miss_alysia is probably drunk, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:33, Reply)

sorry im late
i have a bone in my foot.
(magictorch, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:32, Reply)

More honesty
My hamster has escaped and I must rescue him before I can consider coming to work.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Honesty is the way forward.
Simply that I really couldn't be arsed to get out of bed owing to my hangover.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:30, Reply)

Long, but true story of self defenstration
I woke up one Friday morning and knew that I had plenty of flexi-time saved up so I just had to get to work by 9am so I could leave early and go to the pub. I was tired but had plenty of time in hand.

I discovered that whilst I could turn the handle of my bedroom door, it would not open. I was alone in the house and the door did not have a lock. I sat on the bed to wait for the fug of sleep to clear and then had another try.

Still would not open. I really needed the loo by this time so I had to formulate a plan. I had no phone, no visitors expected and nothing of much use - I had my house keys, a tie clip and my dressing gown. A MacGuyver like plan crystallised in my sleep fuddled, wee-needing brain...

I would use the serated edge of my backdoor key to saw through the wood around the lock. I should be out of my prison by Saturday afternoon! It set to with vigour, trying to ignore the pain in my bladder.

Stupid bloody idea. After 2 minutes I'd hardly made a dent in the door and bent my key. By this time, my head was starting to clear and a real plan formed.

I would jump out of the window! So, I wrapped my dressing gown tightly around my self, opened the 2nd storey window as wide as it would go and (clutching my house keys) jumped down onto the front lawn.

Of course, my dressing gown flew upwards and I exposed myself to the whole street, left two deep footprints in the lawn - but I was free and had not yet wet myself!

I went round to the backdoor to let myself in the house and discovered that my key was still bent. I had to get a brick from the garden to flatten it out before gaining entry. Once inside, the toilet was my first port of call, then I examined the bedroom door from the other side.

It would open fine from outside, but inside the handle turned without moving the catch. Should be easy to fix with the right tools, but I'd better get to work, I thought.

I left the door open and went to close the window. As I stepped into the centre of the room, a gust of wind blew through the open window and slammed the door shut. Gah! Trapped again.

With a weary sigh, I jumped out of the window for the second time that morning.

I got to work two hours late and emailed the story to my boss, who forwarded it around the company.
(andymurd, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:30, Reply)

not me but , Polish girl at work
for a week she was 15 mins late everyday because she just had a new puppy and she had to clean up after it shat everywhere,

untill the sunday when she came in and her excuse was "(my puppy) didnt shit everywhere today and had to spend 10 mins congratulating it"
(Zrya Loves the new presidents album > 80% of kittens, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:25, Reply)

I just fell off my bike
and shattered both my arms. I'm about to have surgery so I may be a little late.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:25, Reply)

The funny thing is, for once I wan't being economical with the truth...
In a past life (as some of you who frequent these hallowed pages will no doubt be aware), I was a recruitment consultant. And oh, how I hated it. Never before, nor since, have I come up with such a wide-ranging plethora of excuses as to why I was not chained in to my desk at 0845 on the ‘phone.

These have been known to include:

“I witnessed a car accident this morning.” Well, yes. If the car accident was in my bed.

(With an exaggerated limp) “I fell down the stairs and had to go to the Doctor.”

OK. So these aren’t particularly good excuses, but they earned me extra snooze time!

Anyway, one morning I was struggling in to work, and what’s more, I was on time. I veritably skipped off of the train at Mile End, twirled across the platform and leapt on to the District Line to complete my journey.

Due to a particularly cruel twist of fate, there had been a signal failure between Whitechapel and Stepney Green, but LU (in their infinite wisdom) kept sending trains in to the tunnels. 3, to be precise. Trapping 3,000 people underground. For an hour and a half.

To cut a long story short, I eventually rolled in to work a record breaking 2 and a half hours late. And when I told my tale, it was responded to with a curt “what utter bollocks.”

Which made coming in the next morning with the Evening Standard, which had the story on the front page, all the sweeter. Eat that, recruitment!

Yes, it’s long, but I haven’t been here for a while!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:25, Reply)

how about
this classic from virgin the other week:

"sorry for the delay. this is because our driver hasn't yet been able to get to work.

this is because HIS train was delayed."

useless cunts.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:23, Reply)

I was late because...
I thought it was the equinox and the clocks had gone forward.

another one was.


my mate got hit by a car, and we had to talk to the driver about the damage to his car.


amazingly I got away with both of them.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:19, Reply)

British Rail is always a good source..
Nine times out of ten, if I am late for work, it's because of the trains. I've been commuting a good few years, so have heard a few good excuses..

One time we were told that trains were being delayed due to problems with trains aquaplaning at Waterloo. Apart from the sheer irony of something aquaplaning at a station with "Water" in it's name, I had to giggle at the thought of trains skidding out of control.

I've also been told that my train was delayed due to a lineside fire at Kings Cross. This is fine, but the train I get to work does not go anywhere near Kings Cross. It terminates at Charing Cross.

The third, and IMO, the best was an apology that trains were being delayed due to a conservatory on the line.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:19, Reply)

Roband
No wonder nobody believed it - if the clocks had gone backwards, you'd have been an hour early!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:14, Reply)

the best one has to be
(despite no-one believing it)

ME: well, the clocks went backwards, but i got lashed last night, and didn't change them, but i woke up, and didn't remember that the clocks went backwards and that's why i'm an hour late for school

TEACHER: really?

ME: yeah...

TEACHER(thinking): bollllocks

got away with it though =D
(roband dropped the screw in the tuna, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:13, Reply)

Apparently
I was a couple of weeks late being born. Eventually the doctors (and no doubt my mum) got fed up waiting and some inducement was required.

Well, what would you do - it was a particularly cold February that year, and I was nice and warm inside!

Length? Not very much, despite my extra incubation. Better now though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:13, Reply)

Not yet, but its coming (come on 12th September) and boy I'm going to milk it
I'm sorry I'm late but my twin sister went into labour and I was sharing her pain...

I've had enough people ask me over the years if I can 'feel her pain' so I may as well use this to my advantage.
(birdwoman pissed herself at least once on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:06, Reply)

A kid in my class at school
"Sorry I'm late, I was doing a poo."

Nice. Thanks Ryan.
(d371ght back again since, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 11:02, Reply)

can i be excused
i was going to post my story, but i saw the goatse pic and threw up, and my dog licked it up, and i passed out, and when i came round you had changed the question, so can i add my posts to last weeks questions, 'cos it wasn't my fault it had closed.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:57, Reply)

dads new job
A good friend of my was teaching in the far east at some very posh school and one normally bright and punctual child rolled up mid way through the day. When asked for his excuse for being so late he said "sorry my father was being crowned this morning" Yep dear old dad had been made king that morning, blinding excuse.
First page Yay!!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:49, Reply)

I usually use...
“Goldfish ate car keys” is my favourite excuse!
(mike_in_leeds, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:47, Reply)

Not me, but my step dad
Had a kid in his class go home because "his toothpaste made him feel sick".
(Spokes, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:47, Reply)

School
Back in the early nineties, one of the lads used the following excuse for being late for school, "Sorry I'm late, I was confused by the solar eclipse".
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Spacker
When I was at school one boy did not come in for 3 days because his shoe lace snapped on his way in. So he went home until he got some new shoes.
(Spokes, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:46, Reply)

My best excuse?
I can't be the father - I've had the snip.

may contain element of lies
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:42, Reply)

I wasn't I was early
look at me I'm sad and I got the first reply

when I'm late for work it's usually because I'm avoiding going in, if that's the case my boss will ask "why are you late?" to which I reply "because I hate my job" he laughs, I walk away. Simple.
( GrandmaOfShoes, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 10:38, Reply)