Frankspencer...
Bet it's a laugh in your house isn't it...?

I bet you stand by the microwave and synch it with your watch don't you?

Live a little you punctual swine.

x
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:31, Reply)

actually
just called in sick to work today
boss is a bastard and the work is killing me anyway
nothing special though, standerd dizziness, coughing, sneezing, other stuff that could potentially last a day.
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:30, Reply)

A friend of mine..
..was late for a meeting because there was a power outage where he lives and he couldn't open his electronic gates.

Serves him right for be a posh bastard.
(rubberballoons, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:29, Reply)

And yet ANOTHER car accident.
First: is Frank Spencer EVER sane?

My late excuse story?

On my way to the beach to meet up with family for the Family Portrait on the dunes outside our summer home. My girlfriend from NY is down and we have a nice lay in followed by amazing, erm, relations.

Until I realize what the time was. So we jump in my Jeep and start FLYING to the beach! (thank God for the 350 engine!)

Along the way, we are cruising along and a car flips, while going in the opposite direction. Keep in mind, this is 3:00 in the afternoon. The car leaves the road and literally FLIES through the air like some low rent Dukes of Hazard, but without the cool car and the four point landing.

It lands on its roof...in a thicket of sticker bushes.

Being a Jarhead, and having a rather impressive first aid kit in the Jeep, I stop. The woman driver is ABSOLUTELY hammered. Blood everywhere, crumpled up on the ceiling of her car.

I extract her from the vehicle and throw some gauze on the nastier wounds on her face and arms and then merrily report to the local constable that she was indeed smashed.

Back in the Jeep and arriving at the home I am met with ICY annoyance...having arrived 15 minutes late! I tell them the story, corraborated by my girlfriend at the time and even though I would have been EARLY but for that woman, I am SCORNED! I had blood on my jeans, my shoes and my white oxford. And they STILL treated me like a lesser relation.

Family. Ugh.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Teh punnage!
Sorry- rachelswipe's train story reminded me of this:


( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Once upon a time, when I were a lad
... and working at a sh1tty company I hated, where I was regularly late in due to wanting to spend as little time there as possible, I woke up one morning and realised I'd used up all the excuses I knew.

So when I finally dragged myself in that morning, I announced "Sorry I'm late - I got sucked into a time warp on the way here."

They'd obviously never had to deal with an excuse like this before, so they said (and did) nothing.

Happily I don't work there any more. Nor does anybody else - it's gone tits up.
(><(((">, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:22, Reply)

The most disgusting thing I ever saw was...



Wait.

Bollocks... errm.

I didn't realise it was thursday?
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:19, Reply)

It wasn't my excuse but a real excuse someone rang into the company a few weeks back.
This fella, being a big fan of being wasted on a weekend, decided he was still too wrecked and rang in. The next day he was in work, he was ripped out of his chair and was sent to HR.


"Now, here's the recording of the phone call you made, sir."

"Eh, well, I can't make it in today.. I fell down the stairs and caught the flu on the way down.."


I'd let him off for an excuse like that.. Priceless.
(AshTeamRacing, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:14, Reply)

Hm.. a slight bit of lying...
I was late for work once... somewhere in the recesses of my mind i decided that it was a good idea to go to CANADA for a weekend...

*sigh*

My plane was delayed, so i called *from canada* to tell work i'd be late, my reason? "I don't feel to good".. eventually turned up 6 hours late with luggage.
You should of seen the look on their faces.

btw that last QOTW was interesting, but thoroughly wretched!
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:12, Reply)

Sometimes you're not missed
Not so much late as not there at all.

One year during my PhD I took a couple of weeks off around Easter time, as I had quite generous holidays, what with being a student and all. The day I went back to the university, which happened to be Easter Monday, I went up to see my supervisor about something. I caught him leaving his room with his coat on, having just popped in to get something.

Anyway, matter discussed, he then said to me, "You should get yourself off home - it's Easter Monday."

"But I've just had two weeks off", I replied.

"Oh, have you?"

He hadn't even noticed. Bah. And to think I always made up good excuses if I ever was going to be off for any other reason. What a waste of imagination.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:57, Reply)

School bus is a shitter
Ok, so let me paint a picture of my journey to school, I got up an hour before i needed to be out, just to be sure I'd make the bus.

Imagine my supprise when rounding the courner to my bus stop I see said bus drive past, with nearly 5 mins before it was ment to go past. This was a school bus and only comes once a day, so I was pissed off, but still had an option.

I quickly make the long journey to the next bus stop were I can get a bus from, knowing I'll probebly miss registration and be around 5 mins late for my first class. Get on the bus, which makes painfully slow progress, but arrives just in time. I get to school as all the kids were making there way to lessons, quickly sign the late register and arive at my 9.15 class at about 9.18.

I walk into the class, starting my appology to the teacher, saying the bus had been early and I'd had to get anouther bus, but was cut short by him telling me to get outside.

I was annoyed but I figured I was late and he wanted a word, so I waited, and waited, and waited.

3/4 of the class was up, people inside stopped laughing when looking out at me and began to feel sympathy, after all, i can't have been much later then them, they were all getting books out when I got in. They began to remind the teacher he had a student outside. He claimed he didn't care but eventualy came out to tell me off.

He asked what excuse I had for being so late, I explained the problem, and riminded him I was there at 9.18, and the class were unpacking their books when I got in. He then tells me I'd missed registration, as he was my form tutor he had noticed. I was annoyed, I made effort to argue being late for form but told him this was chemistry, and I needed to learn it as it was my GCSE year, and that I'd signed the late register allready. I was told I should go to a different bus stop, I told him that added an extra 15 mins to my walk, making it half an hour long, apparently, he didn't care.

So I got in trouble for being within the reasonable time for my lesson, but got in trouble for being late for 15 mins of pointlessly sitting around.

Real kicker is he made everyone 5 mins late for a lesson a week or so ago so he could find out what one boy had been talking about before school, which apparently required 29 outher students to whitness.



This was 4 years ago and I'm still annoyed at the jumped up little twat, Mr Oren, your a dick!
(Mong goose, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:57, Reply)

Age six-ish after a few days off
Teacher: "You've been off school haven't you? What was the matter?"
Me: "I had dinosaurs."
Teacher: "Do you mean diarrhoea?"
Me: "Yes."
( krang, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:46, Reply)

Womens problems
Dysmenorrhea has always worked for me in the past as an excuse.
( girlinthehole, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Back at school
I was regularly late because my dad would get up an hour before me or my mum, let the cat in, feed the cat, eat breakfast, and back both cars out of the garage before getting in his and going to work.

With both sets of car keys, to a job an hour away.

This was pre-mobile phones as well, and I lived six miles from school so mum would usually have to call his office, leave a message to "tell the dozy bugger he's done it again" and then call my school and explain. Meanwhile I would get to watch Breakfast TV and enjoy not being in maths.

-

The morning after my grandma died, my mum (who doesn't believe in calling people before 8am or after 9pm as people who call outside those times only have bad news) called my other grandma early in the morning to let her know that her son-in-law's mother had died.

This took some time, and for once it was me pulling her by the arm "going to be late mum..." rather than her chasing me round the house getting me to gather up my stuff "don't complain to me when they tell you off for being late...", and we eventually arrived at school about five minutes later than normal (but still early), and pulled into a space behind my maths teacher and form teacher (the same person).

My mum explains to her why I'm a little late, and may be upset today, and the next thing I remember is being engulfed in maths teacher, which was one of the more special experiences of my school career.

-

When I got old enough to drive myself to school, I'd claim to get stuck behind tractors, hedgetrimmers, have to take a diversion because of roadworks or have to stop for petrol. And sometimes I would have been driven in by Stalker Boy, which was never a pleasant experience. You know the way chavs drive like nutters listening to trance? He did the same with Edith Piaf.
( Maladicta, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Pigeons + Japanese Bosses
The number of times I've had my good suit shat on by pigeons as I leave the house is soul destroying, as well as expensive. But the time I got pigeon guano in my eye was worth a couple of days of due to swelling, watering etc. Still didn't stop me playing on my Xbox though!!

Years ago, I worked for a Japanese bank in the fair city of London. Chalk-stripe suit, the whole sexy shebang. On ONE day I arrived 20 minutes late as opposed to the HOUR early I usually arrived every day. I was called to the head of the desk (We sat in two rows of three, facing each other,with a Japanese Manager at the head of each desk)to explain why I was late.

'I'm sorry, but my train was cancelled this morning and the next one was full'

'Which train? From which station? At what time?'

'The 7.09 from xxxxx to Charing Cross'

'You may be seated'

An hour later, I was 'exonerated' as the bugger had called British Rail (Pre-Internet) to check to see if my train had indeed been cancelled!!!

What a total, shorter than average Twunt!!!

It was only made up by the fact that when I enter the Gentleman's urinal later on, I was faced withe the same twunt standing at the urinal relieving himself with his trousers AND PANTS round his ankles!!!!

Laugh??? I nearly shit a kidney!!

And then I resigned the following morning!

Bunch of mentarists!!!
(EvilBugger, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:21, Reply)

In my first year
I had only one class on a Wednesday, which was French conversation. And I absolutely fucking hated it. You could hear a pin drop in there for an entire hour, except for when the language assistant (having done a year abroad I now have a lot more sympathy for them) asked a question.

Did I mention we referred to her as Isabelle, The Bitch From Hell thanks to her particularly unpleasant and miserable temperament? No? Well, I have now.

Anyway. This class was an hour long, and one day I woke up an hour before it was due to start. I have running round like a nutcase getting ready down to a fine art now, but back then I was slow at best. So I eventually arrive for this class 45 out of a possible 60 minutes late. She was not impressed, and went into You Will Respect My Authoritaaaah mode after the class and demand to know why I was always late to her classes (it used to be like a one-person getting ready for school routine, "don't wanna goooooooo..." every Wednesday morning).

(Note to anyone who is or ever will be a language assistant: You are not a lecturer, you are a language monkey so the professors can have another hour off.)

What was my excuse, in admittedly shocking French? "I'm an insomniac."

Inspired, but I still bricked it for a week over whether I was going to get kicked off my course.
( Maladicta, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:19, Reply)

Lateness...
I used to work for a company that had a very strict lateness/absence policy. Either of them earned you a return to work interview. The standard question in the interview was "will it happen again?". Mine went something like this...

ME : Sorry I was late, my Dad crashed the company van last night and wound up in hospital.

BOSS : Is it likely to happen again?

ME : No, he's written the van off now...

Bastard didn't even crack a smile...
(Chewy , masticating since 1978., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Er...
I've never been late. One time, I arrived just in time - does that count? I'm one of those people who utterly despises unpunctuality. The only excuse for it is ignorance and laziness. Or a terrible disaster. Don't give me that shit about late buses and trains ... take an earlier one and foresee possible problems for Christ's sake.

I put it to you that most people are quite able to be on time when they really need to: interviews, catching a plane, getting married etc. So when they're not on time, it's because they're a fuck-up. No sympathy at all. The state of society today is down to people being late and disorganised. Sort it out, losers!

[Apologies. I've ben ill for a week and am on prescription opiates and anti-depressants. Not entirely sane]
(frankspencer, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:11, Reply)

Late homework
"Miss, couldn't do it. Was at the barber's all day yesterday." .. Me mam used to cut my hair.

"Sorry Miss, I had the runs yesterday and couldn't sit down long enough."

"No Miss, couldn't do it cos I was in A&E .. some mad woman tried to cut my ear off." .. This is true, mum cut the top part of my ear off while cutting my hair.
(schlamniel, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:09, Reply)

Dead Late
My Grandpa was late to his own funeral.
The bastard didnt even give an excuse.






PS: The Herse got lost somewhere enroute.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:08, Reply)

I can't come into work today
Because I slipped over in the bath, fell backwards onto the metal hand rail thing and nearly ended up in a wheelchair. I couldn't move my legs for several minutes.

True story. They let me take the day after off, too. How very kind.
( Kroney, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Jack
He was a 50 something, stinky, Jewish chap. He believed in the Theatre, and believe me, the capital letter is essential.

He was a very average salesman, and not much better as an actor although one day, with God smiling uponhim, he was given the lead role in an amateur production of Hamlet.

His opening night came, and the next day, no Jack. I thought perhaps his performance had gone well, he'd sunk a few and would be late owing to a hangover. I was wrong.

He phoned in at about 11, and said he wouldn't be in at all that day. Apparently, the lead role exhausted him mentally, and he needed the day off to recuperate and perform at his emotional best that evening.

I told him to fuck off and not come back, and that I'd post his personal possessions to him in due course. I didn't. In fact, I sold them.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:55, Reply)

Dad..
"Sorry I'm late boss. My dad got burnt this morning."

"I'm sorry to hear that Legless - Is he all right?"

"Not really - they don't fuck about down the crematorium you know..."

Ba-boom - TISH!

Thenk yoo vey much. I'll be under the pier all week.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:51, Reply)

Just a bit..........
The other morning on the way to work, I managed to pour half a cup of very milky, frothy coffee down myself.

Made me a bit latte.

Cheque please.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:50, Reply)

I travelled here as quickly as possible
Unfortunately, I was travelling so quickly that I bent the course of Spacetime.
This caused time to pass more slowly for me (who was travelling fast) relative to you.
Therefore, for a non-moving observer such as your fine self, I appear to be late due to being slow.
In actual fact, I travelled slighty into the future then backtracked to now.


btw, your job gets taken over by a cybernetically enhanced platypus
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:40, Reply)

I forgot to take my contraceptive pill
....

An example answer
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:31, Reply)

at work...
not me, but a bloke from my old job used to come out with some crazy excuses. two that stick in my mind are;

1) he turned up 3 hours late for work one day, claiming that a birds nest had fallen out of a tree in his garden and he had to stand there and protect the chicks from predators.

2) he was 2 hours late one morning, and tried saying that he was due to be in on time, but the traffic was so bad on the road outside work, that he had been standing at the other side, waiting to cross for 2 hours, i kid you not.

he got sacked eventually.
(boosh, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:29, Reply)

Wife was late.
Her excuse?

"I'm pregnant!"

Cue children and end of life as we know it.

Must go - it's sportsday.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Top Tips
If you're phoning in sick with a cold, lie on your back on your bed with the top part of your body hanging off the side of the bed. Your head should now be touching the floor.
When you phone in you will have an authentic "blocked up nose" sounding voice.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:13, Reply)