Cancer lies?
I hate the cancer lies!
In the last 2 years, my best friend another close friend were diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma within a month of each other.
In June, my father in law passed away from lung cancer.
One week later, my mum was diagnosed with the exact same cancer f-i-l died of.
3 weeks after that, a close friends wife died of cancer.

The only thing I've lied about in all this? I'm doing fine. Just. Fucking. Fine.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 4:00, 4 replies)

Wendy the liar
What makes this story funnier is that everyone involved were in the hard Left of student politics.

Wendy (changed name, of course) lied so consistently about herself that she eventually rose to the role of President in a student association. These lies conveniently placed her on just about every notch on the Wheel of Misfortune, allowing her to speak authoritatively on subjects like lesbianism and Islam, sometimes simultaneously. How was she muslim? Oh, just a little incident in Morocco involving drug smuggling and a visa-marriage.

Let's see… she crashed her dad's helicopter and survived. Was a junky until her boyfriend died. She crucified an ex-boyfriend's cat with a nail gun. Etc, etc.

She also once drove in excess of 200kmp/h with me in the back seat clinging for dear life on the basis that her dad (so high up in police hierarchy that he could afford his own helicopter for the farm, doncha know) had insisted on getting her high-speed driving lessons.

It all came undone when she invented a fantasy relationship with one of our friends. Being a devout, very funny, very handsome young muslim, he was totally oblivious that she was telling everyone that they had a secret sexual relationship. Wendy then went on to destroy another woman's character based solely on her supposed violent jealously of this relationship.

Wendy was regaling us with a tale of a confrontation the two women had after a meeting, when it clicked that I was there and none of this happened. In a flash, I realised that we'd all been embarrassingly hoodwinked by very transparent fibs. Without thinking I blurted out, "Oh my fucking god. You're a total liar." Wendy got angry. Very angry.

Towards the end Wendy confided to a select few that she was a spy for ASIO recruited by MI5 in relation to her connections to the IRA.

Funnily enough, it took about a year for everyone in that social circle to realise just how much of a liar Wendy was.

Weird thing was, Wendy was physically repulsive; obese, late 20s with braces. She claimed that African men found her hot. This is when I tweaked earlier that she might be a liar. But then, one night when we were out, three good looking African men propositioned her. So I figured the other stuff was true, too.
(cobrasexual, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 2:13, Reply)

Weirdo2
Met a guy from New York a few years ago who claimed that he had to blow up his friends car after his friend had asked him to pick up a shipment of 'drugs' (he didn't even specify).

According to him, his friend had decided to have him killed and so had arranged to have 2 members of the Bloods, and 2 members of the Crips wait in a car that he was supposed to get in to.

Call me naive (and also none American), but I very much doubt that members of two street gangs who hate each other would join forces to beat up and kill a skinny white kid from a posh area of New York. He never really explained how he got out of the car alive, or how he blew up his friends car, but he did also claim that he'd got a girl pregnant when he was 8...
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 1:58, Reply)

Weird
Not me, but my dad, who a few years ago recieved a letter from a man in Cardiff who claimed that British Gas (who my dad doesn't even work for) had put the wrong diameter pipes under his drive, causing an explosion risk, and that my old man needed to sort this out. My dad wrote back, explaining he didn't work for British Gas, that he had no idea how the guy had got his name and address (given we lived in Warwickshire).

A week or so later my dad gets another letter. Claiming that the guy had had his own building team on site, waiting for my dad and his British Gas building team, to repair the pipes. Of course my dad hadn't turned up, and now the somewhat irate weirdo started to claim that as he was an intimate friend of many hollywood directors (Spielberg was mentioned) and actors he was going to get funding to expose British Gas and my dad as liars and a threat to human safety.

My dad wrote back (again) explaining (again) that he had no idea what this guy was on about. The guy writes back to us - bringing us up to speed on his hollywood project, and now claiming to be using his connections in the House of Lords to get a parliamentary enquiry as to why my dad and his'team' hadn't turned up to replace the pipes. My dad didn't bother replying, but for the next six months or so we got the odd letter from him telling us that he'd got various actors and politicians on board and that he was going to expose my dad for what he really was.

Crazy or just felt the need to make a complete stranger aware of how awesome his life is? I still have no idea.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 1:49, Reply)

My little sister
is probably the most gullible person ever. I have told her various lies over the years, all of which she has believed. These include:

-telling her that a small red chili pepper was a strawberry (hilarious consequences)

-telling her that a bar of furniture polish was chocolate (she ate it ALL!! why didn't she stop after the first bite?!)

-convincing her that I was a vampire and a robot

-weirdly and surrealy telling her that when people die it's because God wants to eat them (this made her cry for hours)

-convincing her that her organs were adopted

-making her believe that I was a dog (she was like 8 at the time ffs!)


Consequently, now she doesn't believe a single thing that I say now. Poo.
(little fawn, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 1:32, 1 reply)

Have A Rant
Homeopathy.

People who practise this or market this or sell homeopathic medicines are either pathological liars or so self-deluded that they should be locked away for the publics saftey.

Homeopathy doesn't work. It's Junk-Science, bad science and it's right up there with voodoo, witchcraft and faith-healing. (And before anyone jumps in with "it works for me", so does witchcraft and faith healing)

Have any of you believers actually looked at what homeopathy actually is? It's rules, laws and principles? They're fucking laughable.

The first, and most important principle of homeopathy is "The Law Of Similars". This says that "like cures like". So if you have a set of symptoms, say a headache, then something that, in a healthy person will produce a headache, then thats what will cure your headache.

The rational behind this is that the body will not allow two identical diseases or imbalances and that by introducing an artificial set of symptoms, this will somehow "push out" the bad symptoms and you'll be cured.

Of course, it's a little more complicated, because the remedy or homeopathic dose has to be diluted. And it is. It's diluted by placing the remedy, let's say Ducks Liver, a common homeopathic substance, (apt for quackery) into a solution of water. 1 part duck to 100 parts water. Then it's shaken up and down ten times (the magic number). Then shaken side to side ten times, then backwards and forwards ten times. (I'm sure there should be some chanting here. Something like "hubble-bubble, toil and trouble..). And there you have a first dilution. But that's still too strong. So it goes through another dilution. One part diluted duck to 100 parts water. This is called succession. And it's a succession in the C scale.

Anyway, this dilution goes on and on and has a scale. A 1C is the first dilution. A 2C is the second and so on and so on. The founder of homeopathy reccomnds a 30C dilution for most ailments. Think about that. That's a dilution of 10 to the power 60. 10 with 60 zeros after it. To give you an idea of scale, 1ml of a solution which has gone through a 30C dilution would have been diluted into a volume of water equal to that of a cube of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 meters per side, or about 106 light years.

Let's put it another way. If you take a 30C homeopahtic remedy that claims an active ingrediant of Ducks Liver and subjected that to the best chemical analysis possible, and let's throw in physical analysis using the most powerful electron microscope available, you wouldn't find a single molecule, a single atom of Ducks Liver. Why? Because it doesn't fucking contain any.

So don't claim homeopathy is a science or deserves to be treated as a form of medicine because it isn't. It's faith-healing. And anyone who claims differently is a fucking liar.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 1:00, 17 replies)

Another one
Maybe there's something written on my head that says 'LIE TO ME!!!'. Or perhaps people are wankers.

I got very close to a girl called Sally roughly a year before I went to uni. However she wouldn't actually get involved in a relationship with me, despite the fact that I genuinely liked her, because she was going in the Army. Somehow this decision only came about after another one of mates and also my brother were destined for the forces. She was all set to go off to wherever in September, but suddenly she announces that she has put forward her departure, to early January.
This, understandably upset me, as I had grown rather close to her, and I hoped she'd change her mind, although I knew I'd be happy for her etc etc.
Surprise surprise, she changed her mind, and put the date back to the original September.
When talking to my brother, however, several innaccuracies occurred. Like, for example, how she and the rest of her prospective cadets had done assessment runs in town. In the middle of the day. In full army gear. before jaunting merrily back to the recruitment offices in the centre of town. There was more, but i can't really recall the details.

I began to grow more than a little bit suspicious at this point, and confided in a mate that she probably wasn't going to go to the army, and that she'd announce the decision to stay and go to college instead. Probably tell everyone near the beginning of the summer, so as not to leave it too late to go to college.

What happens in mid-June? Surprise surprise, she changes her plans. No real reason. Just 'not the right thing'. predictability, the one true trait of the pathological liar.

She also told me that she'd been sexually abused by her granddad, and that one of our mutual friends had accompanied her to court, when he was being charged etc. Considering this to be a sensitive issue, I declined to mention this around said friend, as I have never really been much of a gossip, and also it didn't really concern me. Although, she confided in me, so i guess it did.
I got quite emotionally involved in that one.

I find out a few years later, after having lost contact with her, that the whole 'being raped by granddad' story was a complete and utter fabrication. The mutual friend had obviously smelt a rat, it's not hard to work out how, and dug a little deeper. As well as the insanity involved in telling everyone such a blatant lie, one has to consider the dreadful fact that she had accused a member of her own family of raping her! I really do despair sometimes.

The worst thing about this whole thing was the we were both quite devout Christians at the time. i have since moved away from my religion, but as far as I'm aware she still has a modicum of faith. Sally needed psychiatric help, but that is frowned upon in the Evangelical church, and the emphasis is more on being forgiving and accepting. This environment serves only to feed the lies that these kinds of people create. Sad, but I'm better out of it.

Apologies for lack of humour, but I felt really betrayed when i found out about the last bit.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 0:14, Reply)

A year ago I celebrated my 21st birthday
by throwing a party. There was a guy there who was a right porky pier. He told me that his father had died and left him £3000 and his house. Like as if that was true, the bullshitting swine. Anyway, being a gold belt in all the martial arts I gave him a propper good thrashing.

He fell a bit awkward and hit his head on the floor, splashing blood on my brand new shoes that had cost me £2000 that very day. I thought I had better do the decent thing, so I decided to take him to casualty in my car. I wrapped a towel around his head so as not to get blood on the white leather seats of my Bugatti Veyron, I got him inside and drove to the hospital. At one point we were doing over 200MPH on a B road and went through dozens of speed cameras but I wasn't too bothered as I have revolving number plates like James Bond had on that Aston Martin in Goldfinger, which incidentally, my sister directed. We soon made it to the A&E department and I helped the fibbing fucker out of the car. He had lost over a galon of blood, and some had gone on my carpet, but I wasn't too bothered as I employ my own cleaning team. They clean all of my cars, helicopters and yachts.

As soon as we got there they called the crash team and just before he passed out they were able to ask him what blood type he was. He told them he had a rare AB blood type and the chief doctor got on the phone to the blood bank. I was able to avert a tragedy as I informed them that he was a filthy lier and he was really O. Now unconcious, he was unable to tell any more fibs and the chief doctor was very grateful for me being there. Poor sod died a few hours later but the police couldn't do a thing as I work for the secret service and have a licence to kill, like James Bond in Goldfinger, which incidentally, my brother directed.

Sorry if there are any spelling errors in this only I'm getting a gobble off of my wife who you may have heard of. Keira Knightley. I alway get to shag good looking women as I've got a 12" cock, a bit like James Bond in Goldfinger, which incidentally, my dad directed, except my cock is bigger than his, James Bond's that is, not my dad's, his is 13". I fucking hate liers.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 23:11, 1 reply)

Ah...
The caretaker at my office is an older man, short, tubby and somewhat hunched with the approximate demeanour of a very nervous mole. He also has a regional accent of some sort and a general blundering, stuttering manner of speaking.

He will corner anyone he finds working late and regale them with the most utterly unbelievable tales and conspiracy theories imaginable.

These have, in the past, included various personal UFO sightings, his wife having been abducted by aliens in Iceland, and his having been commissioned to write a screenplay for M Night Shyamalan after a chance meeting on the street.

My absolute all time favourite, however, was the time he proclaimed that, over the weekend, the inventor of the chocolate egg, a neighbour of his, had died in the back of his (the caretaker's) car. Seems he had selflessly agreed to chauffeur the man to pick up his precription, realised he'd forgotten something, popped back into the house and come back to find him dead.

Chocolate eggs were invented in the early nineteenth century, so at least the guy had a good innings...
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 23:04, Reply)

A former housemate of mine.
I thought he was a decent enough guy. On returning to university in the second year, he said that he had been working at a top hotel, getting ridiculous tips from oil sheiks.

It turned out that he was working at his local cricket club bar. Not too many sheiks there, I guess.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:50, 1 reply)

Cancer lies
Sadly those seem pretty common.
We did enjoy busting that girl a while ago though:
http://sigur-ros.co.uk/board/viewthread.php?tid=18777
(otherdemons, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:37, 1 reply)

A girl I know...
Has a clerical job at a police station, and one day when she didn't turn up for work and didn't phone in sick coppers turned up at her door to make sure she was OK. Standard procedure you know?

Was ass raped in public by the 4 members of a Norwegian death metal band after their gig...

Was looking through her then boyfriend's sent text messages and found one saying "Hey wee sexy" so she said he explained it by saying it was to a dwarf female friend! And then claimed to actually know the girl. (Ended up admitting she'd made that one up for a change!)
(otherdemons, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:31, Reply)

Uni
In my first year at uni, i was in halls with a guy called Matthew (name changed, it's a small world after all). He came out with some of the most horrendous bollocks I've ever heard.
This included:
Telling us he had been an extra in Saving Private Ryan. he would have been 13. Doing battle scenes. When we cornered him on this after doing the maths, he backed out and said it was his mate (who also would have been about 14, but i digress)

He fell out with one of my mates and decided he was going to leave uni, and spent the whole week telling everyone he was leaving. This dramatic decision also included a staged wrist-slitting incident, which, perhaps unsurprisingly, failed to draw blood. I remember remarking on how he would probably 'change his mind' at the last minute, and decided to stay. What happened at the end of the week? Yep, you guessed it. 'Pacman, I've changed my mind!' he said. Surprise surprise.

He told us he couldn't have children, that he'd been tested and found to be infertile. Which seemed to conflict another story of his that he'd got his girlfriend pregnant and she'd had to have an abortion. Apparently.

He then told a load of people when he was in the later stages of his uni career that he had been struck down with testicular cancer. Which miraculously disappeared as soon as people began to wonder why no-one on the University Counselling staff had been made aware of the issue. or, perhaps the fact that he never had cancer. I'm still undecided.

He got it into his head that he was living with me for our second year, and so when I decided to live with some people off my course, he tried to turn everyone against me, spouting some crap about what a heartless bastard I was, and how he'd had a terrible year, what with being rendered infertile/girlfriend having an abortion (delete as appropriate). Needless to say, the truth did out.

He bought his then girlfriend a ticket to see We Will Rock You. After their relationship had dissolved, and he'd subsequently become involved with another girl, told his latest love interest that he'd bought HER a ticket to see We Will Rock You, when she threatened to break it off. I can only imagine the look on his face when we arranged for both the girls in question to tell him how nice he was for getting them both tickets.

he also claimed that Tina O'Brien from Coronation Street had asked for his number, but that he'd turned her down because he had a girlfriend. Not the other way round. She'd asked him for his number. he looked like a chihuahua, for starters.

He lost a lot of friends with his lies, not to mention a guy from his college who was due to move into halls after the rest of us. he made out that this guy was his best mate. Turns out that he was merely an acquaintance, who'd kept a wide berth from Matthew due to his constant bull-shitting. he wasn't the only one after a while.

Apologies for length, Matthew's was apparently 15 inches, or so he said...
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:31, 2 replies)

cancer
seems to be a popular topic for the bullshitters we know.

When I first started my job, there was a guy who was fairly well thought of by the boss, did some work up at the MDs house, etc. He started to spend a lot of time off sick, and said he had the Cancer, and was going to have treatments in Manchester. When asked for his appointment cards, turned out that the time he spent at his "chemo" was actually spent working for another company.

He'd even told his kids about it.

Needless to say, he got sacked quickly.

He is now referred to as "Mark Chemo", because it almost rhymes with his name.
(stapleface, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:29, Reply)

The Ballad of Derek
Derek was an acquaintance who was always desperate to get into the army, he had all the keeness in the world, but unfortunately was last in line for brains. The best job he could land was a hospital porter. Little did we know he was leading a fantasy double life where he was corresponding with several women and pretending to be a captain in the infantry. We knew this as several suspicious letters arrived at the hospital addressed to Capt Derek X, so one of the lads thought he'd have a sly look. Turns out he was claiming to be a patient at the hospital, who was an infantry captain and that he had been seriously wounded on a tour of Northern Ireland. Needless to say he was referred to as Captain Bullshit after that and whenever he was around you could hear machine gun noises etc echoing down the halls.

Funnily he left the hospital after a short while and became a milkman. We later heard he was in prison as he'd been caught nicking the milk money.

Twat.
(funkenstein Be pure! Be vigilant! Behave!, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:22, Reply)

Also
I invented the word 'Mythomania'.
(Pavlov'sDog is all out of pavlova, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:18, Reply)

Once I had the job of looking after some sheep in a small village.
All in all, not the most strenuous job, although a bit tedious. Day in, day out, just watching some sheep eat grass.

After a while, I began to tire of this, and thought it'd be a bloody good joke to pretend there was a serious emergency occurring. I took a deep breath, and shouted 'Wolf! Wolf!' at the top of my voice.

All the villagers came running with big sticks, and upon their arrival I told them it had retreated, and that the sheep were safe again.

'Brilliant,' thought I, 'that was a thrilling experience!'

A few days later, I tried the same trick, with the same result.

I tried again the next day, but couldn't keep from laughing at the rather ridiculous situation I had created, and the villagers were none too pleased about this.

And woe is me, for the next week, what should I espy across the field but an actual, live wolf, heading with evil intent towards me and my sheepish charges. I screamed 'WOLF!' as loud as I could, but no-one seemed to hear. I continued screaming and shouting, but the villagers had all either gone deaf simultaneously, or chosen to ignore me as punishment for my earlier japes.

The wolf killed all the sheep, who remarkably sat around and watched as they were dispatched one by one, and then turned his attention to me, eating me like a particularly delectable cake.

Later, the villagers found my mostly-devoured corpse surrounded by a large quantity of bloody fleeces. I'll bet they were sorry after that. Some people just can't take a joke.


It was longer, but the wolf bit the end off.
(Pavlov'sDog is all out of pavlova, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:18, Reply)

a friend of mine was going out with a girl
it was going well, and getting pretty serious, meeting the folks, discussing moving in all that stuff.

Then one day, she tells him she's had some tests and has terminal cancer. He is stunned, can't believe it, they cry, talk it through for ages, and she ends the relationship. She tells him it wouldn't be fair on him to see her slowly waste away and die, and that he should move on now, to save lots of pain for them both down the line.

He's understandably screwed up by this, and he gets quite depressed, she won't answer his calls, and rebuffs him by text saying 'it's for the best' etc. we all commiserate, and try and talk him round, but it's a tough few months.

That is, until he sees one of her mates purely by chance, and finds out she faked the whole thing and is shacked up with a different bloke. He confronts her and she goes psycho on him, getting her new boyfirend to stalk him, the works.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 22:13, Reply)

If someone says they're a complusive liar, isn't it likely that they're not?
Urgh, this makes my head hurt
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 21:27, 2 replies)

Lying and liars
When me and my best friend were younger, we were in the Girl Guides and once every four years they'd do a 'County Camp' where all the Guides from Wiltshire would get together and generally have a gay old time (yes, we really did). Anyway, growing up, me and my best friend both had bum-length blonde hair and as such, we were mistaken for sisters a lot. This camp was no exception.

After the second day of 'are you two sisters?' from everyone from other guides, raftmaking instructors, and a linedancer, we decided to have some fun. We started telling people that yes, we were sisters, with the same dad, and that our uncle was Ewan McGregor. We backed this up to detractors with a few bits of trivia we'd heard on a program about said actor, and thought no more of it until we overheard two of the Guide Leaders saying 'Did you know, Ewan McGregor's nieces are at this camp?' three days later. Yes, our lie had spread around several hundred Guides and everyone was talking about us!

As for liars I've met... our so called friend tells the most whopping lies about how ill she is. Everything is cancer with her! A couple of her worst include the 'hole in her heart' which turned out to be an irregular heartbeat (unpleasant but harmless); when she had diabetes which turned out to be 'a rare form of diabetes that I can't remember the name of' which enables her to stuff down handfuls of jelly babies but only lets her eat crisps at barbecues; and her arthritis that turned out to be plantar fascitis. This rendered her 'unemployable' up until the point she actually found a job she liked, at which point it magically disappeared.
(Onion Terror, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 21:26, Reply)

My Gran
My Grans a legend for lying, I really believe that she can no longer tell whats the truth and whats not. Here a Choice few:

1) She claimed that you could not drive her car (Automatic Nissan Micra) without a seltbelt on because 'It will stop itself after 100 yards' Surely thats more dangerous?

2) After speaking to her about getting chicken pocks as a kid at the same time as my Mum's mates girl she says ' No thats wrong, you got them after your parents wedding- When you was staying at mine because they had gone on honeymoon' They never had a honeymoon.

3) When she decided she didnt like me at one point she made a point of telling the family that I had 'ran my finger along her car as I walked past her house' Point one: why? Point Two: She always parks her car in a garage!

People would probably say she's old and losing it, but she's been like this since I was little and shes only 60 FFS
(purplefairy, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 21:26, 1 reply)

lying to thick girls in pubs
me and a mate were out on our usual friday night pub crawl about 10 years ago, when we got talking to 2 birds. When one off them asked me what my occupation was i said 'Nuclear Scientist' ,looking impressed by that she asked my mate the same question. He answered 'Shepard'. She then looked a bit puzzled and asked how we knew each other. i then told her a bullshit story of a leak at the nuclear power station and how i was checking for radiation in the local countryside when i had to takeshelter from the rain in the shepards hut up on the hills. She swalloed the whole story as fact. She swalloed something else of mine later that evening. The next day my mate couldn't believe that we both got a sexual reward for spouting bullshit. For the record I was a car mechanic and my mate was a decorator. We were both drunk. We also live at least 200 miles from the nearest nuclear power station.
( nikdude, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 21:05, Reply)

Some soft twat...
..I know stinks of piss and sweat.

Anyway, whilst waiting for the screening of the recent Transformers film at out local Cineworld, said softy decided to impress us all. He mentioned a rather interesting fact, that his mate owned all of the original generation 1 action figures, so i then asked "does he even have Perceptor?" to which he responded, "yes".
Perceptor was the shittest carachter in it and thus not made into a figure, this could just be blamed on ignorance though, or lack of knowledge.

However, getting to the point, being a sad noise i then got out my phone to show the smelly bugger my message tone(the transormation noise), he found it shit hot and i sent it to him. The following wednesday, he again turned up at the cinema, he was showing off his new tone that he "took from the Transformers dvd box sets, using his mad computer skills".
I had to prove him wrong to his growing fanbase of 14 year old sex starved boys.

Sorry for legnth, i got it from my dads side.
(Daedalus, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 20:49, 2 replies)

well,
my mate kept a pet scorpion, and he had a megadrive.

he kept them in the attic.

was anyone allowed to see them?

were they fu
(rollerdisco, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 20:42, Reply)

Not really on topic but...
How well do you think this woman could lie?
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ANTDkfkoBaI

It makes me want to cry... really...
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 20:39, 5 replies)

Chris the Homophobe...
Back in my GCSE years (not that long ago), there was this one kid, we shall call him Chris (for that was his name)who was five feet tall and weighed in at a huge 12 stone.
Now me and my then friends were- best put- idiots at times, mostly making crude jokes and, pretending to be gay. (Yeah, freaky, I know.) When the time came, we started calling each other 'gay' at random times. But call Chris gay, and he would go apecrap on you. Why? We asked him, intrigued at his strange behaviour. 'I hate the gays' he said. Naturally, we did the right thing and punched him. He told us all sorts of things about gays, including:
'They started aids by shagging monkeys'
'Gays can't love because only humans have emotions'
'Gays should not be allowed in pubs incase they started flirting'
'Gays should not be allowed in public places'
(remember, the kid's 15 ffs.) And the finale:
'Gays should die. We should shoot them. They are killing the earth with AIDS'

Later, When asked WHY he hated gays, he stated:
'If you want to know, my cousin Greg was in the SS and was sent out to Iraq with a gay man named Ricardo Bandito- he was a Spic (latino) from Mexico who raped Greg (because apparently, that's all gays do) And when Greg threatened to turn him in, Ricardo pushed him into the range of a sniper. They took Ricardo to Texas (why???) And executed him.'

No, we didn't believe him. No-one did. Shortly after being mocked for being a jackass, he annouced:
'Har-har-har I had you convinced then, didn't I!!!'

No. No you did not Chris.
He's told worse lies though, so stay tuned.

Insert length, girth and penile implant joke here.
(DanielH I'm not paying for an Icon from b3ta- screw that., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 20:34, Reply)

Great QOTW.
I knew a girl that I shall call Camilla (which is not her name but I prefer it).
According to Camilla, she was a model (she was not).
She got cancer (which suddenly got better).
She had an identical twin sister who died at the age of five. And six. And eight.
She was engaged to her boyfriend of six weeks, and had moved into his house. Peculiarly, they split up shortly after he found this out (and she was "pregnant" too).

Now here's one thing that is true about her: she enjoyed a "special" relationship with her uncle. Suffice to say I don't hang around with her any more.
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 20:21, Reply)

Sexual Triumphs and adoption.
I had a friend at school who told us that she's lost her virginity aged nine to a 45 year old English teacher, and that in the six years following that had slept with over 50 of her friends. Turned out she had no friends bar me and my boyfriend.
She said that her parents abandoned her and her brother, and they had to live with their Uncle, who then murdered the brother. She was then adopted by a woman who threw things at her and kicked her out at least once a week.
I met her mum. She was lovely, had lots of baby photos of Rosie and couldn't understand why I kept my distance from her the first time I met her.
She'd also pretend to be pissed when she came into school. Every single day. For three years. It got dull.
The best one was when she said that she'd been raped by her brother while they were on holiday, and that she was having his baby.

In the end we stopped talking to her.
(Demagogue69 did your grandad 3 times., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 20:13, 1 reply)