A lie I told my daughter
I have a 10-inch scar on the back of my chest where my lung punctured in 1988 and things went pear-shaped. During my convalescence, my sister brought a snake to Wakefield to see me and I didn't get much better, but that's another story.

Anyway, I have an incessantly curious daughter who was keen to know about the scar. I told her it was a shark bite. Even constructed a story about how it was inflicted by the shark which was then frightened off by me punching it in the nose and shouting "go away, shark!" God, I'm hard. In my head, anyway. Worse than that, we even re-adapted Sing A Song of Sixpence so it ended "And do-own came a sha-a-ark and bi-it Daddy's back" (sing it, it works). The deception. Yeesh.

Shortly after her 4th birthday, in pensive mood (she was getting old), Az asked me about the shark again. I confessed it was a load of old rubbish. She asked why I ever told her that it was true. I said "er... because it was funny?" Her reply?

"Well, I suppose it is. In a way."

Oh, the maturity. She'd outgrown B3ta before it was even started, and before she'd even started school. Bless.

Oh yeah, and my mother maintains that curry is bad for you. I'm going to die in the middle of next week if that one's true. Goodbye cruel world.
( sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:03, Reply)

Lies Your Parents Told You
I am the dad of a 3 year boy and he has bitten his finger and toe nails since he was born.We asked him to stop and told him his fingers and toes would get infected.At that very moment an article came on the TV news about a woman who had had her hands and feet amputated due to meningitis.I showed our son the lady and said that is what will happen if he keeps on biting his nails.The look of horror on his face was priceless,and it seems to have worked too.
(iluvnufc, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:59, Reply)

hmm
that if you dialled 100 on the phone you would speak to Santa. The operator on the other end was not very amused, got angry and made me cry...
(JoanOfArse, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:56, Reply)

My parents
also told me that touching that pink insulation would make you itch. Crap, up until a few minutes ago i still believed it!
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:55, Reply)

poison
to stop my brother sucking his thumb at night my parents smeared it in bonjela and told him it was poison, he never sucked his thumb again nor did he sleep for a week!
(weeboll, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:55, Reply)

When I was little
my uncle told me that during ww2 he flew around in a giant meatball bombing Italy. The italians would all be drawn out from their houses shouting "Mamma mia, look at the giant meatball!", making it easier to bomb them.

He was quite mad.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:52, Reply)

...
there used to be an advert on the telly around 1990 for sanitary towels that featured a fake chatshow. can't really remember what the dialogue was, but i asked my parents why women would need them and my dad told me that women wet themselves a lot.
my grandad convinced my mum when she was young that the scar on his shoulder was from when he got shot in the war. she didn't find out until she was about 18 that in fact the scar was from when he was a lad and fell on some railings. all the while, she had thought he was some kind of war hero.
(ginblossoms, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:46, Reply)

The Witching Hour
When I was A kid, I heard somebody mention something about the witching hour. I asked my Mum what it meant, and she told me that Its a time in the night when Witches come out and eat the children that are still awake. From then on, when she sent me to bed she would say to me:
"time for bed. You dont want to be eaten by the witches."
The Lying twunt...
(once_upon_a_time, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:38, Reply)

More lies they told us
Pleasurable activity is bad for you.

Girls are the devil (no really, they told my sister this too)
(Willetts, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:29, Reply)

I was ...
watching a film once, when I was a young lad and someone in it mentioned a brothel. I asked my Dad what a brothel was and he told me it was a place where they make soup.

Also, when I was really young I used to suck my thumb a lot. When I met one of my distant Uncles for the first time I noticed he only had one thumb. My Mum told me that he used to suck his thumb when he was wee, too, and it had worn down gradually. I finally found out years later he had lost it in an industrial accident.
(SparkyLove, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:28, Reply)

Lies they told us
Its for your own good

Youll thank me for this

Dying is going to sleep

If you watch horror movies then the monsters will crawl out the TV and get you
(Willetts, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:27, Reply)

and evil brother...
I convinced my little brother that those squiggly short wave sounds you can get on a radio were aliens trying to attack us. He is 37 now, and still runs away. Girl.
(johnl tinga, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:24, Reply)

Evil parent
I brought my kids up to believe that when the ice-cream van is playing a tune, he has run out of ice-cream. As teenagers they now claim it was a form of child abuse....
(johnl tinga, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:20, Reply)

Queen Mother...
My dad once told me that the Queen Mother was a plumber before she became part of the Royal Family. I was told this so often that I began to believe it. He then told me that she released that well known song 'Nice Work If You Can Get It'. Still believing this, I made it worse by telling all my school friends this same story, insisting it was nothing but truth. How they laughed at my 9 year old beliefs. Bastards
(Nearly, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:12, Reply)

Insulation
When I was about six, my parents were doing house renovations. Therefore, building supplies such as drywall, plywood, and pink fluffy insulation was spread throughout the house. My parents managed to convince both myself and my sister that if we touched the insulation with our bare hands, we would be itchy forever and ever. I wouldn't even go into a room where they were doing insulating. The sad thing is, I believed in this permanent itching for the next four years. Sometimes I'm just not that clever.
(dragonrose, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:11, Reply)

whenever I behaved like the horrible child I was
My mom or Aunt would pick up the phone and start dialing. Conversation:
"Hello, Mrs. Claus, this is blankety blank. I have my daughter/neice, blank, here and she is misbehaving so, tell Mr. Claus there is no need to visit her this year. Thank You!! Bye-bye now."

OH how the tears poured.

If I were lucky she would call the police, I would run into the bathroom, lock the door and lie in the tub for hours waiting to be taken away by the long arm of the law. Oh how they laugh about it now.

I don't.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 20:09, Reply)

Father Christmas
I of course was told about father christmasbut when i was about8or 9 I twigged that maybe it wasn'treal (that and the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy) the tooth fairy used to write letters to us,as did father christmas, I left a letter asking for the tooth fairy'sautograph once. back to the point. From that point forth every christmas/easter i would ask if it were all tru,are you sure,how does he get round the whole world (Rudolf has magic antlers that stop time if you didn't know) for about 5 years. When my brother was 12 she decided to tell us both the awful truth iguring we had both worked it out anyway. My brother cried none stop for three hours,stupid sod.
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:59, Reply)

to stop me biting my nails...
my aunt told me they would continue to grow in my tummy.....


i believed her until i was in high school...
(feed me toffee revels now, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:55, Reply)

Fabulous Ancestry DENIED!!!
My grandad told me that our family was directly descended from Captain Cook. I believed this for some time until I remembered our surname is Cooke, not Cook.

On my mum's side, we were led to believe that our great grandfather was the illegitimate son of a lord-of-the-manor and possibly even a minor royal. Wasn't until I reached my twenties that Mum finally told me it had been a mere school headmaster.

Also: "Mum, why is Boxing Day called Boxing Day?"
"Um, because they have a lot of sport on the telly that day"
(fourplusone, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:52, Reply)

Damn parents!
My mother used the phrase "Smells like a whore's handbag" quite often though she was 'considerate' when us kids were about and changed it to "smells like a horses handbag" which sounded perfectly acceptable to me until I got into my late teens. Damn.
(natto, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:42, Reply)

once...
my mother and my neice had me convinced that my hair was going grey. it took me about a full month before i finaly relised i wasnt because the men in my family are known for growing old fast and dying young. gaw it freaked me out to the point that i was actualy thought i was seeing greys.
i hate them :P
(Mynd, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:41, Reply)

my mum once told me...
that babies were made by a boy giving a girl his "seed".

I promptly asked "can i give you my seed mummy?"

I think i was the only one who didn't realise the sexual implecations of this.

Luckily my dad helped out when I asked him at another date by putting a pervy smirk on his face and making a "finger in thumb+finger hole" kinda movement... ah.. memories..



Oh yeah! Another one! My bro told me that if I walk under a bridge while a train goes over, I'll be transported to another dimension... Cunt..
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:32, Reply)

I was told
not to have a bath during a thunderstorm in case lightning hit the house and blew me up.

(I think she thought this was the truth)



Also when my older sister babysat me and I asked where my Mum had gone she would say "She's run off with a big black man."
I never understood why she told me this.
( Hankster, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:21, Reply)

Well.
I once saw an advert for a magazine on the side of a bus. One of the articles I could see was that old classic: "Why rich women have more orgasms..."

Now, me being at that nasty mischievious age, decided to ask my mum whilst we're driving along what an orgasm was, knowing quite well (from playground know-how) what it was. Her reply still makes me laugh to this day... "Uhh, ermmm. It's a type of plant. Now shut up Jamie...."
( Fudgebags will wear you like a glove, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:15, Reply)

this just happened the other day...
those 'Power is an aphrodisiac' boards- my sister (12) asked what an aphrodisiac was. An uncomfortable silence broke out, then my dad said, 'It's the fifth teletubby.'
Not entirely a lie, as we all burst out laughing and she didn't believe him, but I still think it's worthy of posting.
(HanaBizzle, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:08, Reply)

POP!
When I was younger about 6 or 7, at Christmas, a Balloon popped because it hit a lightbulb. From this day forward, and naturally being scared by such a violent action from a balloon, my parents fooled me into thinking that if I were to touch a lightbulb, whilst it is on, I'd turn into a LADDER of all things!

This was up until 11 or 12, when I was dying for the bathroom and much to my dismay, the lightbulb was b0rked... So I was brave enough to change it myself (I was usually to scared to do this). As the switch was on, it lit up in my hand as I was plugging it in whilst standing on a chair. Much to my relief I did not morph into a window cleaners prized asset, and I could safely enjoy my intended relief- especially after dispelling that unfortunate misconception. Oh man, was I a sucker :|
(Rabid, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 19:05, Reply)

Lies your parents told you
We used to drive past a sub power station on the way home. My dad convinced me that Dr Who lived there, and if he was ever attacked by Daleks the only sure fire way to kill them was to lift up their (helmets?) and pour hot tea down inside. Of course in the holidays I made a flask of tea and went down there looking for Daleks....Bastads.
(poodleseatnoodles, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 18:56, Reply)

My parents told me they loved me
but i knew better.
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 18:51, Reply)

It was a cold winters morning
And the ground outside the house was covered in snow, with large cat-style footprints everywhere. My mother and stepfather convinced me there was a snow leopard roaming the area and we had the first evidence.
Even now I can't say I'm 100 percent sure it wasn't true.
( Zuowan, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 18:46, Reply)

Not exactly my parents but...
Mum left me with my Great Aunt Josie a few times. Her speciality was scaring the children of my extended family by telling us ludicrous lies. Her favorite to tell me was that there was a murderer hiding in the bushes / the loft / behind that chair. Scary scary woman. Her grandson is in a semi-famous Liverpool band right now too, probably highly influenced.
( Zuowan, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 18:45, Reply)