hang on, I suggested a variation on this months ago.
and it got nailed as being An Racist.

fucking stupid mods.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 14:11, 4 replies)

Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 14:09, 10 replies)

I'm from Northern Ireland, so you'd expect my family to be full of bigots, racists, sexists, homophobes and loud-mouths.
But you'd be wrong, because we aren't Protestants.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 14:06, 8 replies)

lets make this burn...
On listening to a sermon by one of my very favourite preachers (Mark Driscoll - He of the assertion that anal sex is OK (in marriage)). He was picking apart the letters of Revelation. Revelation is always worth a look. Its more weird than most of you lot. His main point was that an awful lot of non-Christians are keen to point out that Christians are "intolerant", whilst managing to be extremely intolerant of Christians.

Length - about half what it was to get rid of some very inflammatory stuff...

Light blue touch paper and acknowledge troll-bait status ....
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:44, 12 replies)

Global warming my arse...
A nutter used to live opposite me. One of those green, lefty types - you know the sort, all recycling, ethically sourced foods and vegetarian.

Usually I'd cross the road to avoid people like that, but this particular one was fit! Fit in a yummy mummy, no male partner and no bra-wearing way. We saw each other every morning, me on my way to work and her attempting the school run with her two-year old strapped precariously to the back of her bicycle. Over the ensuing months we progressed from blatantly ignoring each other to almost friendly nodding terms. At this rate, we might have even found out each other’s names in two-three years time. But that was soon to change…the day I got a new car.

Work had offered me a motor in lieu of a pay rise and as Land Rover was one of our largest clients, I plumped for a gorgeous Range Rover in sumptuous deep-blue, with cream leather seats. It wasn’t strictly my car, I had to hand it back in 18 months and for the short period I owned it, I had to drive around with the company’s logo emblazoned across the rear window. Still, I fucking loved it while it lasted – but my neighbour, she fucking hated it.

She hated it so much, that after only one week of ownership, I found one morning, a note attached to my windscreen. ‘BAD CHOICE OF CAR’ it stated in bold type and then went on to list how I was killing mother-earth with my C02 emissions and evil 4x4 owning ways. I knew it was her; she was the only one on the street with a Green Party sticker in every window. So I folded up her note and posted it back through her letterbox. It re-appeared on the windscreen the next morning.

Then we had our confrontation.

‘How can you buy such a car?’ she inquired one morning, ‘don’t you know you’re killing us all by driving that thing?’

I tried explaining that I hadn’t actually bought it, that it was a benefit-in-kind and that the tiny mileage I was doing wasn’t really going to melt the icecaps. But this wasn’t good enough. She continued to harass me every single day. Her bigoted, awful sound-bite politics drove me mad. Ironically we used to bump into each other whilst doing our recycling. I‘d happily be sorting my plastics from glass, when she’d appear, venomously attacking me, pure hatred in her eyes, believing fully that I was killing her child and her future children with my lovely, gorgeous, deep-blue Range Rover.

So I took to avoiding her. I got up early and missed her on the school run. I did my recycling the day before collection was due. But she kept on with her notes. And I kept on posting them back through her letterbox - why waste paper eh? But the whole thing was making me very angry. She was foisting her beliefs on me and if she hadn't been so attractive and sexy, I would be have been down the copshop making a harassment complaint.

One morning we met again but this time without confrontation. It had snowed shit-loads the night before and we were both outside enjoying the silent beauty of it all. This wasn’t the piddly little snow flurry of recent weeks, this was the proper blizzard of 2009, and for a brief moment, we became mates sharing a wonderful experience. That was until I opened my mouth.

‘Another wonderful globally-warmed day!’ I called across the road. ‘I guess I need to drive around a bit more to melt those icecaps!’

She didn’t find that funny in the slightest. She blurted something back about climate change and extreme weather. I shouted back that it was fucking winter and that was why it was snowing. She slammed her door and I stood outside for a bit then moped back inside. She’d ruined my snowy day.

The next day didn’t see any change in the weather. Another dump had fallen the previous evening and other than the lovely white blanket covering all sins, I was bored of the snow. I had food, I had DVD’s, the office was closed, so I settled in to wait for the thaw. Midway through some boxset, there was a frantic banging at my door. I ambled downstairs to find my neighbour stood outside in nothing more than a night-dress with a wild look in her eyes. Taking time to acknowledge and admire her super-frozen nipples, I prepared myself for the usual environment-related attack. But it didn’t come.

‘I need your help!’ She practically screamed at me. ‘My daughter, something’s wrong with my daughter…I called an ambulance but they can’t get here for an hour. Please help!’

What could I do? I wasn’t a doctor. But I followed her across the road. The little girl was on the couch and was definitely unwell. Her lips were an unsavoury shade of blue and she seemed limp and lifeless. I knew what she wanted me to do, but even in this extreme emergency she couldn’t bring herself to ask.

‘I’ll drive you to the hospital.’ I said. ‘ Wrap her up and I’ll go and grab my keys.’

I ran back to mine, grabbed the keys and bundled them both into the back seats. I fired up the V8 permanent four-wheel drive engine, engaged the diff lock and cautiously pulled away. The car just purred over the snow, finding the solid grip under the powder, the tyres didn’t even spin as I made my way out the driveway. Our local A&E was less than two miles away, but we had to negotiate at least one mile on un-gritted, small residential streets and B roads. Even the main road when we finally made it there was treacherous, all around us were abandoned cars and buses, meaning I had to slowly slalom my way into town.

Within 20 minutes we pulled up to A&E, right up to the door. She fled out the back door and I could see the staff urgently take the baby from her hands. Running back to the car I gave her my mobile number and told her to call me when she needed collecting. She never did.

A few days later, when the pristine snow had turned to muddied sludge, there was another note on my car. It simply said ‘sorry’ and went on to say that her daughter was now fine and out of hospital. It asked me to pop round to she could thank me personally and went on to say how this whole episode was some sort of karmic intervention, that my evil lifestyle and her divine beliefs had come together to save her child’s life.

‘Wow,’ I thought, ‘I might just get to shag her now!’

When I did pop over, she wasn’t there. Nor was she there the next day, or the next. And then new people moved in. And then my Range Rover had to be returned. And then I moved on too. But every time it snows I think of her. I truly believe she moved out just to avoid facing me, to avoid facing the cold, harsh reality that everything she hated, everything she despised and everything she stood for had been slapped back in her face. Her god had proven to be false and her devil had saved her.

tl;dr – bigoted loudmouth forced to eat words, still didn’t get to shag her.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:41, 23 replies)

Neighbours, dum de dum de dum de dum de
We've lived in the same house for a long time and over the years we've had a number of different neighbours and got on well with most of them.

There was one couple, though, who were obsessive about keeping their back garden private and so planted what they thought were fast growing leylandii between our gardens. However, they must have been sold a duff batch, or there was something wrong with the soil, because the trees resolutely refused to grow any higher than 3 feet.

Meanwhile, a Mountain Ash I planted in our garden had shot up much quicker than expected, much to my amusement.

So I had a real LOL at my bigger tree.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:35, Reply)

I'm white
and I listen to rap music. Ergo not a racist yeah?
(Maverickjames 's name is not James, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:29, 1 reply)

From my Dad.....
"I don't like illegal immigrants. They contribute to global warming."
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:28, 3 replies)

From the mouths of great aunts
Being Australian and having elderly relatives I have heard my fair share of bigoted comments. My favourite comment comes from a great aunt who once said "Don't eat corn on the cob; a Chinaman might have stuck it up his backside." I don't care if it's true or not, it put me off corn for a while.
(Hammer of Justice, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:13, Reply)

Gillian Duffy.

( Muns, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:57, 5 replies)

I went to a Natacha Atlas gig at Hackney Empire.
For those who don't know, she fronted digi-dub/electro/world outfit Transglobal Underground for several years, and sings in an Arabic style. She's Belgian-Egyptian, great fun, and it was her 40th birthday that day, we were to find out.

She was being supported by TGU, who had been playing an increasingly stompy set, and then dropped right down.

Right down.

The lights went dim, and the music was reduced to just a single hynotic sitar.

She came on in a hooded cloak, took centre stage, softly, very softly, began to sing in a haunting vocal, gradually building, and building, until matey over there with two pints and a skinhead said loudly, "Oh fer fack's sake this is just all that bleedin' Paki taxi driver music innit?"



Way to waste your £15, you moran.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:57, 8 replies)

An earlier post got me thinking
Why is it, when someone says "I'm not racist, but..." the words that come out of their mouth, regardless of what they are, actually sound racist? Even the most innocent of phrases is automatically a bit questionable when preceeded by that immortal phrase?

"I'm not racist, but Vanish actually managed to remove the stains from that shirt quite nicely."
"I'm not racist, but I've decided to buy a new coat."
"I'm not racist, but I would like a return ticket to Birmingham please."

It instantly makes people search for a racist reason behind what's being said. I might throw in a few later whilst going about my normal business, just to gauge the reaction.
( Muns, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:54, 10 replies)

builders
Only the day before yesterday i had a conversation with a local builder who called a cheap sort of bath a "paki landlord bath"...you sort of know what he means...
(Rrose Slavy, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:39, 6 replies)

Pearoast from 2010
One barmaid who used to work where I do once said this immortal gem...

"I'm not racist, I just don't like black people"

hmmmm
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:35, 1 reply)

At work, another team had asked to borrow one of my team to help them out, but the details were sketchy.
So I went over. "Now", I said to the female manager, "Manpower."

"I don't think so" she said.

"Pardon?" I asked.

"That's inappropriately sexist language in the workplace" she said, waving a pamphlet entitled 'Staff Handbook - Respectful Communication With Others' at me, "It's 'people-power'"

"I'm sorry" I said, "I'll go out and come back in again, shall I?" I enquired.

"Christ - men are such divs" she said.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:18, 5 replies)

I enjoy reading the Daily Mail
and agree with all of it's political views. Even the crossword is good.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:14, 6 replies)

Drunk bloke on the last train home......
Staring at everyone, mumbling under his breath, a general torrent of 'too many fucking foreigners coming over here for the easy life, bastards' with the odd outbreak of staring at and racially abusing my wife.

I was really pissed off and had asked him to be quiet/move/get the fuck of the train before I broke his thumbs, but despite my foul mood I still had to laugh at the unintentional irony of his parting shot as he got up to leave-

'Too many of 'em over here for an easy ride. Immigrants bringing the country down to their level. That's why I'm moving to Spain- They know how to live.'

I really hope that a pissed up Spaniard has given him grief for 'going over there for an easy ride'.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 12:05, 3 replies)

Tattoo
Whilst on a date that was surprisingly going extremely well we got on to the subject of tattoos. I could just make out that my date had one poking out from under the sleeve of her t-shirt

"What's that one on your upper arm", I enquired
"Oh this? It's a swastika"
"..."

She'd got it when she was younger, and vaguely regretted it, but felt now that she couldn't remove it as it was 'a part of her'
( rofl harris, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 11:33, 8 replies)

Propping up a nowhere bar, a girl started drinking next to me. We got chatting.
She told me that every single scientific discovery was made by black men.

I pointed her to Newton, whom she dismissed: "White people don't understand science, they just do the PR."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 10:51, Reply)

Dozy Italian Mothers in law
Being a Bedfordian -a place INFESTED with them- Ive got various Italian relatives both in my own family and through marriage & I could fill this entire site with their wonderful views on race relations but one particular incident always raises a dry smile...
In the days before widespread usage of social media sites I got sent an amusing jape via a text that read along the lines of: ''Im working in London but need to speak to you...call (number) and ask for Liz-she'll put you through to me'' of course the number given was the switchboard at Buckingham Palace so you get the gist the joke...So my Bedford Italian wife (at the time) and I thought it'd be a giggle to get her to forward it onto her mother and see how long it took to work things out. Being a tiny bit dim my mother in law didn't see the funny side or in fact get the joke at all and immediately phoned me up in a right state:
''Chris its Guila...I got a text msg from Lucia ...shes in London! I think the Pakis and the Muslims have got her!''
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 10:45, Reply)

My driving instructor in the early 90s was a card
He was possible the most replusive man I've ever been forced to spend any time with.

To give you some backstory I'm 6 foot 3 and lived near Tottenham in Norf Lahndan. The driving instructors car was a fiat Cinquencento, basically one of the smallest cars ever made. This made driving difficult for me, even before introducing the driving instructors bulk; He was about 23-25 stone and overflowed his chair, enveloping both the gear-stick and the handbrake of the tiny car. To change gear, or to park, I had to shove my hand into his putrid flesh, dig around a bit to get the desired grip on the stick and withdraw, feeling grubby.

On my first lesson I realised that his corpulent flabbiness was only his second most horrible trait. His worst was his persistent racism against ANYONE we drove past.

He would actually wind down the window whenever he saw an Indian (or asian) origin woman driving and tell them "To get off the fucking road, none of youw can drive!" ...this coming from a man taking a learner on his first lesson... I couldn't drive for fuck.

The best thing was even though he was a massive thug, he was also a huge coward; He wouldn't ever insult a big black bloke out of the window, he was just grumble about them with the window up. I would have love to have seen him have the same balls he did with the small defenceless women with some massive bruiser from Tottenham but alas it wasn't to be.

I had 5 lessons with this gimp and then just made my dad teach me.
( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 10:11, 6 replies)

When I go to the ATM, I ain't looking over my shoulder for the media.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 9:47, Reply)

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 22 Feb 2013, 9:30, 3 replies)

He don't even speak good English.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 9:22, Reply)

South Africa
Back in the days of apartheid in South Africa a lot of things from that country were boycotted as a way of demonstrating to the government disagreement with the policy. My parents, who agreed with the boycott, were talking with a friend.

"I never buy oranges from South Africa" said the friend.
"Oh, we don't either" said my mum.
"No, I just can't stand the thought of all those black hands touching them" said the woman.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 9:20, Reply)

I'm an enormous racist, but
(Your ad here - gaz for price list)
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 9:18, Reply)

I'm not racist because racism is a crime
And crime is what black people do.
(Eukanuba, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 9:18, Reply)

Van hire bigot
I've just migrated to Melbourne. A few days before I left I rented a van to tranfer my shit to the shipping company. I told the bloke on the rental place of my migration plans. He came out with "Don't blame you, fewer immigrants."

This amazed me on so many levels: 1) I was about to become one of those said immigrants. 2) It showed a complete lack of awareness of Australian history. 3) It was pretty bigoted.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 8:03, Reply)

disgusting behaviour
www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/oct/09/matthew-woods-joking-april-jones-facebook-sickipedia
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 7:05, 1 reply)