Schooldayz
Ahh this takes me back....

Picture the scene, its September 1995, I have just started upper 6th and we have a new band of 1st years. I should also mention that I was a complete bastard as well (still am to be honest..)

So one dinner time we round up a bunch of the impressionable youths and convince them the backstage area of the school drama hall is haunted and we are going to do a séance.

We take them round there, pitch black, cold, damp and not nice and started to "chant!" and "summon forth the evil spirits". Then it happened.... a tennis ball rolled across the floor form the left, a rattling from the right, liquid dripping from the ceiling. The young ones shat their pants and some started to cry.

Of course it was just my mates being "ghosts". How we laughed until Mr "Pixie" McCloud collared us after hearing the screaming and crying. "I am getting mr Porter then we will see if you find it funny" Oh no! not Porter the Bastard. He duly arrived and Pixie explained the situation. Porter laughed out loud and commented "Top jape lads, top jape" and wondered off. Pixie was gutted...

That will learn the pointy eared, fat beardy puff cunt.

comment relating to length/girth etc......

Edit: I also agree with Mr Fishcacke
(Commander Cool, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:56, Reply)

For fuck's sake
Every single fucking week there's always someone moaning about how shit the QOTW is. Waaah waaaah, get the fuck over it. There are plenty of fucking people that disagree with you. So you don't like it? Boo Hoo. There'll be another one along soon.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:51, Reply)

The hand that fills the underpants
In the early 80s the TV programme "Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World" had caused quite a stir amongst us impressionable middle school pupils. Cue lots of tall tales flying around the school about seeing ghosts, UFOs, bigfoots and loch ness monsters (in fucking Slough) etc and so on.

Anyway, a few of us started claiming to own ouija boards and to be seasoned experts in contacting the dead, and so a bunch of kids arranged to meet up in the local graveyard the next weekend in an effort to summon up ghosts, demons and even Hitler as I recall.

Cue sunday morning and about five mildly nervous kids sat in the graveyard, with no fucking ouija board to be seen of course - the nearest one lad had was a few bits of paper with letters written on, and a plastic beaker. It's fair to say that enthusiasm waned a little.

Until we saw Les coming.

Les was not the brightest fella in the world. Nor indeed the most popular. We saw him entering the graveyard looking round for us nervously, so we hid behind the headstones planning to make ghost noises at him.

By chance somebody spotted a soggy old abandoned leather glove laying on the floor and had a genius idea. We grabbed the glove, filled it with mud, waited until Les was fairly close but facing the other way, then lobbed it at him.

It landed almost perfectly on the top of his left shoulder nearly touching his neck - and being damp & mouldy it stuck there for a vital split second.

Les jumped about a foot in the air, looked down to see what it was - and saw a disembodied hand about to strangle him. He screamed like a girl, and ran like greased lightning. Accompanied by a clearly audible "phut phut phut" sound as his arse let go and he shat himself.

Les was never quite the same again.
.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:49, Reply)

Phantombomber
I tried the phantombomber's suggestion - blindfold, ouija board. Lo and behold the pointer spelt gibberish.

But when I looked closely they'd spelt it with two "G"s. Then the pointer flew across the room and smashed.

Trust me to contact clumsy, dyslexic ghosts.
(breakfastwithjam, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:25, Reply)

School field trip 1994
at the start of the 1993 September Term we had a new boy join our School having been expelled from the other local school for shooting a teacher with a bb gun.
Carter was/is a legend he was funny, hard as nails but an all round nice bloke.
He ended up going out with the most good looking Girl in our year and one thing led to another and teenage hormones took over and they ended up shagging.
Being horny 14 year old safe sex didnt always make the grade and in the end he hit her with the breeding pole.
Now nobody was supposed to know this but carter confided in a "friend" that his girlfriends parents made her have a hush hush abortion, what with her being so young and all.
Carter was/is against abortions and it really troubled him that "his child" was "killed".

Fast forward six months and we were all on a Geography field trip looking at stones and shit in deepest darkest Wales.
One night in the boys dorm a Ouija Board was drawn up and "somehow" (so carters so called mate) the pointer was "drawn" (pushed) towards Carter and then spelled out

DADDY WHY DID YOU KILL ME

He burst out crying and ran out of the room.
Sick joke? oh yes
Funny? Oh yes
Dead Baby ghost? no sorry
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:20, Reply)

I was playing with an ouija board in Indonesia a few years back.
I asked the dead if they could give me a big wave.




I'll leave now
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:10, Reply)

dabbling with dark forces
when i was 16, hanging around bunking college, a friend and i met a girl in the local who claimed to be a witch, with a lot of ouija experience.
after the initial laughing and piss-taking, she told us that if we didnt believe her, we were more than welcome to go back to hers, and do the board with her.
my mate was initially skeptical, and disagreed. i, on the other hand, am quite intrigued by the 'other' world, and figured 'what the hell, why not'

so, the following night, we go back to hers, and do the ouija. so we sit down in a circle, set the board and glass up on the floor, while she cast a protective spell circle thing around us, saying that if, at any point, we felt at risk, we could more away from the board, and outside of the circle, where we would be safe (apparently, by casting the 'spell' circle, it would prevent any spirits from escaping or effecting anything outside of it), and still be able to watch.
slightly nervous, but equally intrigued, we get going.

before i carry on, i must mention what i learned. it is, apparently, nigh-on impossible to contact any specific ghost/spirit, when you do the ouija, you are just opening a doorway, and communicating to whatever pops through.

anyway, first up, we find ourselves communicating with some woman, anne, who seemed to be rather friendly, and just happened to be near the gateway we'd opened. 30 minutes later, we're still randomly chatting with the nice dead lady. she goes, out pops chris, equally nice, but unable to spell. this is explained by him telling us he died as a child.
so, nothing too extreme.
until the next guy, aiden, who was an angry spirit. this i figured out by myself, given the fact the glass was moving fucking fast, and had some weight behind it, more that if someone was pushing it with their finger.

its at this point i start getting freaked out, as i've realised the room has gone from confortably warm, to absolutly fucking freezing, to the point that you can just about see breath vapour.

it was at this point, my mate freaked out completely, stood up, and RAN out of the door. i was about to go fetch him back when the witch explained to me that the board requires a certain balance of energy, expressed by people taking part, and the spirits, and although my mate had fucked off, we'd still be able to close the board, but if i went, she'd be fucked.

so, there we sat, for another hour, while she tried to kick the angry bastard spirit from the glass, in order to close the board. what happened in that hour is far too in-depth to go into, but in a summary, included:

- the candles surrounding the board flare up dramatically and randomly
- feeling the board judder, as if kicked from underneath (rememeber, it was on the floor)
- HEARING screaming from somewhere in the room (even though it sounded distant)
- being further chilled by the dropping room temperature
- seeing objects on a nearby table (which was inside the circle) falling over (things like a candlestick, a few cds, and a small vase. they didnt fly around the room and crash into a wall, they just fell)

once we'd finally closed the board, the room rapidly warmed up. i noticed my witch friend looking very shaken, telling me that she'd never experienced a board quite as bad as that, then spent the rest of the evening appologising for involving me, and asking if i was okay (which, surprisingly, i was)

needless to say, ive never done ouija since, and now very definately believe in some form of spirit realm. i also believe that my chicken-shit friend missed out on one of the most intriguing and amazing experiences that he could have ever had

[insert your own witty & childish penile-related pun here]
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:07, Reply)

When I were a wee lad...
...we played with a ouija board. Unwittingly unleashed a demon from hell who took over my body and used it's magical powers to subjugate the world, killng everyone but me. Then it went home and left me in that empty world. But I didn't mind. At least I had coffee. And all the wank mags I could reach. Eventually, I got a bit bored and did a bit of research into demonic posession. Turns out that if you crush a coconut with a tortoise shell it releases a kind of ooze, which you rub all over your body. When you've done this, you recall the demon and he gets trapped by the ooze stuff, which you simply wash off in the shower and wave goodbye down the plughole. After that, all of it's evil is undone. Hence, the world went back to normal and everyone was alive again. I think you should all be thanking me.

No apologies for length, I'm like Flash Gordon: I saved every one of you!
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Blair Witch Story
While in the States on holiday I went to see the Blair Witch Story on the week of its general release, and knew very little about it. I'll admit, it scared the crap out of me.

Walking out of the multiplex with my mate, back to the hotel, I was not looking forward to the shortcut through the woods that was required, but with lots of 'the witch will get you' joshing, we entered. Halfway through we were stopped in our tracks by a blood-curdling scream, a really, horrific, from the guts scream that sounded like it was from a women. We shat. Moving towards the noise (obviously) we came accross a two lane highway with the screaming woman lying in the middle, bone sticking out of her leg. I went to help her to be held back by my mate...

"Don't go. It's the witch". He was deadly serious and I have to admit, I gave it pause for thought. But then a couple of cars sped by her and she was in danger of being hit, so we moved her to the side of the road. She was out of her face on something so all the time we were trying to help her she was hissing, cursing and spitting at us. Cheers love.

Finding a screaming, hissing, bloodied hit-and-run victim in the middle of the woods is scary enough, even when you'd not just watched the Blair Witch Project.

BTW@ Watched BWP again recently. Shit, isn't it?
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:03, Reply)

what?
No-one has posted that classic chestnut,

"and then the glass/pointer flew across the room"

sorry to be a killjoy, but there is no such things as ghosts. Try blindfolding yourself and using a ouija board. you'll spell gibberish.

skepdic.com/ouija.html
(phantomboner, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 13:00, Reply)

Me and some friends got a ouija board
and after spending 2 hours poncing around with it and nothing happening we gave up and played scrabble instead. I have never seen or heard a ghost or anything supernatural and don't believe any of it, I think it's just the persons brain reflecting something about themselves and the environment they are in, spooky eh?
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:59, Reply)

Adramelech!
When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernatural and evil powers in order to win the 2nd world war.

In the book is an incantation, recital of which is meant to raise a particularly repugnant beast called 'Adramelech' the 'Chancellor of Hell'.

I was a gawky lad. Tall, almost impossibly lanky, achingly geeky and with a mawkish streak wider than Goatse's impressive opening. I was bullied quite a lot because of this.

I was also scared of the book. Scared of it's 'power'. Surely if I were to invoke Adramelech he would rescue me from my tormentors, rending them asunder, consuming their souls and casting their broken bodies aside as ash, dead and cold. At this juncture, I feel that I should point out that I had a rather effusive imagination and was often referred to as 'having my head in the clouds'.

During one particularly painful bout of bullying, something snapped within me. I had been holding back for so long; not wanting to release the demonic presence of Adramelech on my foolish aggressors. Adramelech who would feed on their puny bodies, crunching their bones and sucking out the marrow whilst they still lived - screaming and dying horribly in hideous and prolonged agony ...

As I said, I was a dreamer.

I invoked the wrath of the Chancellor of Hell; crying forth the memorized passage for his summoning in a voice thick with spite. I spat the words out like chunks of flaming bile at the bullies surrounding me:

'Adramelech Chatsu remlisthu narek! Adramelech hismarad yonluth! Adramelech Chatsu remlisthu narek!'

An almost supernatural hush fell across the bullies who stood there, mouths agape. A dark cloud veiled the sun casting an eerie half-light across the playground. And then it happened. A hideous, screeching voice called out across the yard, chilling me to my very marrow:

'The lanky cunt's fucking lost it! Give him a fucking Chinese burn!'

And thus, I was not saved by a fiery demon, scything through the vicious bullies with blades of dark evil. I wasn't plucked from this mortal plane to sit at the side of Satan and while away the hours destroying the souls of countless sinners.

Instead I was given numerous Chinese burns across all the Chinese-burnable sections of my body and two very nasty atomic nipple-cripples.

Out of interest, I've just looked up Adramelech on Wikipedia. Apparently, he is also the 'Supervisor of Satan's wardrobe. Being generally depicted with a human torso and head, and the rest of the body of a mule (or sometimes as a peacock)'. Essentially the demonic version of Trinny or Susannah!? Fucking terrifying!

Adramelech. What a fucking useless cunt.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:57, Reply)

Not quite spooky but...
....Derek Ogilvie came to my house and told me my cat was able to see dead people. Two of which frequent our house. (The story made it into the Daily Star!) My wife also sees them wandering about, scares the shit out of her. She was told she will have her full Psychic powers within the next five years...should be fun. I feel an Odd Thomas moment coming on. (Dean Koontz character, sees dead folks)

Oh, and my cat apparantly doesn't like me swearing in front of it. So I called it a cunt.

It bit me.

Cunting Cat
( diablo290582 Professional.....something., Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:50, Reply)

my gf´s apartment is haunted
i hear voices in the kitchen, voices in the night, sudden snippets of people arguing, it goes cold sometimes, things move, but my house was haunted as a kid and I´m allright with it

i decided to tell my girlfriend in a matter of fact way

at 2 in the morning in bed, on the night the dishwasher mysteriously caught fire

haha
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:47, Reply)

A few years ago
I was playing Silent Hill late one night while everyone else had gone to bed. It all got a little too much for me and stopped playing. Before retiring for the night I had to turn on all the lights and make sure every door and window was locked.
I felt like a right nancy.
(UPSET, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:30, Reply)

The ouija board and the caravan
Picture the scene..Summer 1983. Six teenaged lads completely shitfaced on woodpecker and Country manor (jeez do they still sell that stuff!)
We're all in a caravan in the middle of a field somewhere in Skegness. Out comes the old ouija board and cue six pissheads trying to contact "the choir invisible" After much mirth and merriment involving phrases like "Whats that Grandma? Should I walk towards the light?" etc, we finally settle down to try and see if we really could contact the dead. After about two minutes of complete silence, an appalling banging sound started to reverberate thru the caravan. mass panic ensued and my mate Tony threw back the curtains to see if the dead had indeed arisen, only to be confronted by a battleaxe in a dressing gown,rollers and cold cream,who was staying in the caravan next door. Her immortal words still ring in my head all these years later: "WILL YOU BASTARDS KEEP IT DOWN...IT'S FUCKING 3AM!"

Oh how we laughed the next morning as we packed to leave for home. S'funny tho...the ouija board went in the bin and nowt similar was attempted again. Incidentally aforesaid mate Tony is now a big Derek Acorah fan. Aren't some people weird?
(frightfullybored, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:27, Reply)

wensleydale
I got confused and started contacting the other side with a cheese board......(insert your own punchline here)
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:24, Reply)

back when we were younger
my sister and I developed a plan to scare her friend for a laugh. We were only about 13 and we rigged a piece of cotton to a candle, threaded it round the back of the bed and all the way up to me. When I pulled the cotton, the candle fell over. Simple.
Evening came, she came round and my sister and friend were sat round candle, and I was further away 'conducting the seance'. After setting the mood and lots of "Is there anybody there" nothing happened and she was disappointed, but the atmosphere would have made Derren Brown proud.

So we tried 'harder'..."give us a sign"..."we call to you oh spirit world".."Give us a sign!". With a pull of the cotton, the candle fell over, room went into darkness and cue two screaming girls leaving the room. My sis said that even though she knew it was faked, it still really scared her.
Good - getting a peek of her puffy nipple through the top her nightie.
Bad - seeing the girl a few years later, and she'd turned into a bible loving god person. I think I may have had something to do with it, for which I am most ashamed.
(wez, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:23, Reply)

This question would be best titled Pink or Brown.
/has nothing useful to add
(mehmeh 0% witty, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:22, Reply)

Spooky!

I thought the word “crud” had fallen into disuse! :)
(Minty Hit, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Bad Badger...
That is creepy.

I think I feel a presence... WoooOOOoooo...
(The Splendid Oaf, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:18, Reply)

ooh
I didn't use a ouija board I used a keyboard and got 3rd. creepy.
(Bad Badger, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:16, Reply)

Ouija
We did one in my mates house years ago... nothing happend so we got drunk.
(The Splendid Oaf, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:13, Reply)

Tarot Cards
I once had my Tarot read. They said i was a bigamist. With 3 Women.
Sadly it never came true, I have been sadly dissapointed with the dark side.
( Nonny Mouse. -- Scared as a Shitting Scorpion, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:12, Reply)