I worked with some guy who went to the barbers up the road from the office and asked for an 'OAP' cut.
He genuinely had no idea
( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 16:48, Reply)

Noisy karaoke bar
The Filipina likes karaoke, but she mangles everything she says and the bar noise doesn't help. She keeps asking for Dolly Parton's 'Sudden Shits', but I've come to learn what she really wants is 'Satin Sheets'.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 16:09, 2 replies)

For my birthday, my mate walked in with an emu and an obnoxious midget who refused to pay for his drinks, and said that these were my presents
Beforehand when he asked me what I wanted I'd said "A great big bird with a tight little cunt"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 15:49, 5 replies)

Caffé Nero (apparently that's how you spell it, just for the pretentious prick that commented)
I fucking hate the place. My girlfriend unfortunately enjoys their re mortgaging inducing sandwiches.

When ordering a coffee and trying to read through the complete and utter fucktardery of the chalk board behind the guy serving something spotted my eye...I wonder..."what is a MILLDER coffee?"

"I don't know what you mean sir...we don't do something called MILLDER coffee"

Me "well it says on your board there that if I would like a MILLDER coffee I should ask you"

Him "oh you mean milder coffee"

I don't go in there anymore because I am a complete fucking retard. To be fair I just had a total braintwang.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 15:17, 2 replies)

"I've found the G-Spot!"
my girlfriend yelled excitedly from the upper floor. I raced up the stairs three at a time, expecting the find a deeply erotic scene of frenzied, abandoned lady-wanking before me.

But instead she was fully clothed in the spare room triumphantly holding a little saucepan. Then it dawned on me. We were having friends round for a fondue party and she had found the "cheese-pot".

Tch.


_{none of this is true, I hate fondue}
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 10:17, 3 replies)

A friend was entertaining friends at his parents house for the weekend and on Saturday
night his mother was of course preparing an evening meal, standard five courses. Everything went well. Just after the pudding one of the guests when asked if he enjoyed the meal delivered the verdict that the meal was,

"Superfluous!"
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 9:44, 5 replies)

While on the subject of paedos
when the Paulsgrove Riots were happening, the newspaper ran a picture of Angry Mother brandishing a placard saying "KILL ALL THE PAEDOPHILES IN IT".

It took me a while to work out what this meant. Turns out in Paulsgrove that they can spell "paedophiles" but not "innit".
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Sat 30 Aug 2014, 9:43, 3 replies)

I thought my girlfriend asked me to jizz on her tits
She'd actually asked me to pass the gravy to her dad
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 23:20, 6 replies)

I rang my brother
To tell him his sister-in-law was engorged so we could not make a dinner at his house. He told my sister-in-law, that my wife gorged herself on chocolate and was not well.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 21:36, Reply)

There's a health centre in Edinburgh which contains two GP practices: the Green Practice, and the Blue Practice.
A pharmacist of my acquaintance had an immigrant from Glasgow in looking for his prescription, which should have been sent to the pharmacy from the health centre.

"Are you with the Green side or the Blue side?" my friend asked, in total innocence.

The weegie was apoplectic. "You don't fucking ask that question," he said. "You don't ask that question."
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Fri 29 Aug 2014, 19:51, 2 replies)

I was reliably assured that 'Great British Bake Off' was dramatic, compelling telly.
Turns out, it's a load of middle class people cooking, looking at, talking and crying about cakes.

Oh, and some puns even shitter than the ones on here.
It's like being at home, only on telly.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 19:40, 13 replies)

DRUG CONFUSION
www.b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/post1911379
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 19:29, 3 replies)

Hotmale.com
When I first started working in an educational establishment we would quite often have "silver surfer" groups in to try to get their heads around what the whole internet thing was and what you could do. I was sometimes roped in by the tutor to help out in advising the class.

This day they were signing up for an e mail account so the gibbering wrecks could send an e mail to their friend say next to them. We were instructing them to visit the www.hotmail.com website...well the dear old 70+ year old that I was attempting to explain how a mouse worked initially made a bit of a fuck up of this.

In the address bar she had typed www.hotmale.com...I noticed the mistake and tried in vain to stop her from pressing enter, things were kind of moving in slow motion. Before I knew it, from what I could remember an image of a man covered in oil with his love muscle on full show was displayed on the screen. Along I am sure with various other hardcore male on male sex acts going on. To be fair she handled it (ooh err) rather well.

As a side note this is also the same week I think that when some of the older generation were using Apple Macs trying to explain that to eject the disk that was in the machine she had to drag and drop it using the mouse onto the icon of the bin on the screen...she almost pulled the whole machine off the desk as she tried to drag her mouse to the real waste paper bin positioned next to her on the floor.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 16:49, 8 replies)

The high intellectuals of Newport,
who during the anti-paedophile summer entertainments a decade or so ago, graffiti'd the house of a local paediatrician.

But that's the Welsh for you.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 16:48, 15 replies)

A former colleague of mine supported Arsenal FC
Having seen that her team weren't doing as well as usual, I nodded at the league table and asked her "what does it feel like being eighth?".

She thought I'd asked "what does it feel like doing A?", and told me all about her penchant for sodomy.
( cs1ca, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 16:41, 3 replies)

#NowThatchersDead

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 16:21, 5 replies)

Once seen never forgotten, not misheard or misunderstood just lols - psychotherapist
psycho
the
rapist

old, I know
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 16:08, 1 reply)

Have a pea
Watching telly, saw someone being interviewed for open university. Caption said they were a Doctor in Law.
I misunderstood and thought it meant their partner a was a doctor and so they were a doctor-in-law.
I am never allowed to live that piece of thicky thickoness down.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 15:52, Reply)

At one point I shared a house with two Canadian girls.
One morning they were both looking worse for wear and informed us that 'It would be a long time before they were double fisting again'.

It was about a week of powerful lesbian imagery before we learnt that 'double fisting' is in fact Canadian for 'drinking two bottles of beer at the same time, one in each hand'.

:(
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 15:27, 5 replies)

There was that time
when I went to the pub and ordered some pork scratchings to go with my pint, and the barman said he'd bring them over to me once I'd sat down. Five minutes later a bloke with a briefcase showed up at my table saying he'd heard I was interested in buying some nuclear weapons. I said "Nah, you're alright, mate; I was just after some pork scratchings." He said "Oh, OK. I'll...er...I'll just leave this here then, in case you change your mind." So he put the briefcase on the table and left.

When I opened it, it turned out to be full of pork scratchings. Obviously the gentleman had been the victim of a similar misunderstanding before. Anyway, I had the last laugh, as they were nuclear pork scratchings.
( .Yeti., Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:58, Reply)

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my wife,
who is very intelligent and well aware of the difference between the mammals and the other vertebrates, thought that beluga caviar is the eggs of the beluga whale.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:17, 7 replies)

Party time
I was horribly shy as a young teenager, particularly around girls. I must have been about 14 or 15 when I was in the hairdresser's, having my hair cut by a pretty girl, and therefore speechless with shyness. At one point though she asked me if I was having a party. I was a bit surprised that she'd try this as a conversational opener, but I plucked up my courage and replied, explaining that yes, I was having a Halloween party next week, and (blush, sweat) she could come if she liked. "No", she said, "are you having a parting?" I could never go back to that barber's again.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:05, 8 replies)

No School Tomorrow...
The teachers are all on Skype!!

(one of many from our little one that have us in hysterics!!)
( Vambo, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:51, 2 replies)

What was that address again?
A group of people from many different countries were discussing the different habits in various places, mainly those concerning pubs and drinking. A girl from Canada turned to me and said, "And of course in Britain they serve beer with head, don't they?"

Mine's a pint, then.

Yours will probably be quite a bit less...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:50, Reply)

I told my daughter we were going to visit Granny and Grandpa in Devon
...she burst into tears - she thought I'd said Heaven.


Later, her sister said she was such a chatterbox. To which she replied, indignantly, "I'm not a letterbox!".

Kids, eh?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:46, 1 reply)

I used to give a lift to a dizzy bint that lived close to me and worked close to where i worked.
When crossing a bridge with a large windsock flapping quite a lot, she asked me what it was for. I told her it was a way for ships and their crew to tell the time. She probably still to this day believes that.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:25, 1 reply)

My wife's sister thought that kids went trickle treating on October 31st
She also just found out that teachers don't actually have "Insect Days"

She's 23
( Peej, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:43, 13 replies)

Just now
Sitting here with with my laptop, obsessing over QOTW and ignoring my 2 year old daughter who is watching Thomas the Tank Engine.

I keep thinking she is saying 'choo choo', but then realise it's actually 'doo doo' and she's stood behind me smearing her shit all over the wall.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:39, 13 replies)

My wife once thought I said "I love you"
When actually I said "I wish you'd die you've ruined my life you selfish heartless bitch-queen"
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:31, 1 reply)