revenge
Sooner or later, they'll try to ease their guilt and make themselves feel better by attempting to befriend you. Try and make it 'no hard feelings'.

Go with it and ask them to dinner. Shortly after putting the phone down to them, go out in your NEW, SHINY car and pick yourself up some nice roadkill. Tasty for a dinner party. Remember to make YOURS the steak and kidney pie. And remember to keep a cute fluffy bit to show them after the main course. Yum.

No need for it? Feck it, of course there is...
( emergency_pants Today I smell of... tea tree, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 18:18, Reply)

Nearly at the end of my tether.
I have a menial job as a carpenter. Same thing every day, for a meagre wage. Lack of respect all round.

My girlfriend gets pregnant. 'Fair enough' says I
(despite the child not being mine). Getting prepared for the nipper at home, and the government orders me back to my old house (before i moved out) to sign a form. I didnt have a car. Buses? Fucking jobsworths didnt turn up. Cue me and my pregnant girl having to WALK all the way into town (a long, long way).

We finally get there. Its dark. Its pissing it down. Me = Angry. We wander round trying to find some kind of accomodation for the night (parents not around, chavs in the streets etc.)

First hotel we call in at (sounds like Gravel Bin) wouldnt book us a room. 'Its full, we rented the last 5 minutes ago'.

Marvellous. Try the B&B (sounds like Granada Harvest). That ones also fully fucking booked. Busy week, eh? bastard.

Were getting desperate, by now. The girl is complaining bout her tum. We try the last (and most expensive hotel going). No. Fucking. Room.

We end up in the nearest, warmest place going, the posh hotel garage. Were piss wet through, and the baby is coming.

We spend the rest of the night sitting in the garage. But hey, the baby was OK.

Length and Girth? Its good enough for jesus, its good enough for you.
(Attention Whore, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 18:13, Reply)

Cocking Telewest Broadband Fucks
I missed a payment on my cable account, so they closed my account and handed all my details over to Wescot Credit Services - basically a big evil debt collection agency - despite the fact that I had already paid Telewest off, and had been so overzealous that this week they refunded me a cheque for twenty quid.

Incidentally Wescot are still trying to take me to court over the £60.09 they claim that I owe Telewest, while the useless cunting fucks at Telewest seem unable to send one simple email to Wescot saying "Don't take him to court, he's already paid it." I've called each company at least 30 times, trying to get the situation resolved. This has been going on for months now, and of course the whole thing was completely unnecessary.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:52, Reply)

Death or embarresment. Which would you choose?

I was 14 and was rushed to hospital with a burst appendix and a potentially life threatening case of acute peritonitis (if you want to know why it was so acute, set the question "How dumb are you?" in the near future and I'll oblige with the stupid story).

Anyway my mum was sat by the bed, a nurse put the curtains round, then came in with a (small) bowl of shaving foam and a razor.

"What's that for?" I asked in my weakened state.
"I need to shave your pubic hair before the operation" she replied.

She lifted up the hospital gown looked for a minute, considered, then said "Actually, I think you'll be ok as you are."

Great, I'm actually at death's door and I've just been informed I'm underdeveloped. While my mum is in the room, sat right next to me.

Nurses, next time some kid is in your ward and might not make it, don't give him a puberty complex as his last living memory.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:45, Reply)

White (haired) men can't jump
When I was a wee lad, *early teens at least* Me and the guys were playing football in my street. One of my mates, being the empty headed jackhammer that he was, thundered the ball up the road...unfortunately hitting an old man, who was travelling along in one of those old people mobiles, in the side of the head, knocking him out of his chair. Jackhammer went over to get the ball and help the guy up.

The "Now, there was no need for that..." moment?
After helping the old man back into his chair, Jackhammer went to boot the ball back up to us...only to "fluff" the shot and hit the old man square in the face.

Shit.
(doris_day, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:43, Reply)

the twat that run the
sci fi film festival thing, who chucked us out of the curzon in a most unnecessary arm lock.

I will have my vengance.
(Chance1234 up for parole on, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:28, Reply)

ooppss
5 funerals and 1 betrayal. Sadly no sheep.

I slit her throat and shot him.

It makes you feel better...

honest
(cripps-zoid The rabbit buffer, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:18, Reply)

Never camping again...
A great family tradition, the whole camping thing... Our annual summer jaunt involved borrowing a caravan (we lived in a shoebox), strapping it to our old cortina and chugging off to a campsite in Nottingham...

This particular summer was the wettest on record for decades, but we were being pretty British about it, and determined to enjoy our holiday despite the miserable weather and the fact that we were knee-deep in mud and in danger of catching pneumonia. I was playing French cricket (though if memory serves, the only things remotely French about it were that it involved a dangerous combination of a tennis racket and a cricket ball and that it was a complete waste of time).

My brother was in bat and after misjudging my bowling somewhat, returned the ball at speed squarely into my face, knocking out the loose front tooth that had been my only other source of entertainment (I could whistle so that it lifted up and hovvered threateningly under my top lip)...

An act of needless violence if ever I saw one. Never did find the tooth either, so I lost out on 20p :o(
(spacecowgirl, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:13, Reply)

oh yeah?
a week before Christmas, my father was in the hospital with brain cancer and my boyfriend decided to confess that he had been banging other chicks the entire time we'd been a couple.

Then he wondered why I "always have to get so emotional when we talk about our relationship"

cock
(Ambassador Strangelove COVERED IN PORK, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:13, Reply)

Revenge
is a dish best served cold, so lock them in the freezer.
(Is this it like eggs but better, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:11, Reply)

My Dad's mate weeing on his head
My Dad grew up in St Lucia. When he was a teenager, one his "friends" threw a sea urchin at him and it hit on on the top of his head. Now these things are nasty buggers and have these really sharp brittle spines which stick in you and then break off really easily. For some reason if this happens and you do not have any medical stuff around a good thing to do is wee on it. Apparantly it is something to do with the ammonia in your wee (I think). "If the sea urchin on the head wasn't bad enough", my Dad had to then get his chum to wee on his head as it is pretty hard to do it yourself.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:10, Reply)

Revenge
Slit her throat and shoot your mate......

Messy, but very effective
(cripps-zoid The rabbit buffer, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:06, Reply)

summer holiday
when i was about 11 i went on a family holiday to st lucia,halfway through the 2nd week some cunning individual had hidden pieces of cactus in the sand at the beach. cue me standing on one, after much hopping around and tears i tried to pull the spikes out. I got some out but was getting frustrated, so cleverly decided going to see the nurse at the resort was a good idea.
As soon as the 'nurse' saw my foot she immediately rubbed her hand up and down it, there definately was no need for that, instead of getting spikes out she'd managed to dig them into my foot. next she decided to attempt removing one, she did manage it, but in doing so had pushed one right in with her thumb. After that i promptly left, seeking no more medical help! took me weeks to get all the spikes out of my foot!
(chr1ssy6798, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 17:02, Reply)

The day my nob became a student project
Way back when, in the days when Aids was still a slimming biscuit, I dumped a psycho-schizo ex-girlfriend who then proceeded to stalk me across 60 miles of England to get me back. Unfortunately it succeeded (there was a lot of booze involved).

A tad later, courtesy of a prostitute who'd been shagging the other guy she'd been shagging whilst all this was happening, I woke up one morning with my bell-end looking like an Iced Gem.

Off I went to the family doctor who'd been looking after me since I was about 9. Told him what ailed me, whipped it out and slapped it on the table...

... and then a student doctor walked in. "This is Dr. Namechanged (aged about 18), she is sitting in with my surgeries today, you don't mind do you?"

Sometimes there are other things to apologise for than length.
(><(((">, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 16:44, Reply)

My
girfriend ran off with my best mate, in MY car and promptly stuck it through a hedge into a field. Killing 2 sheep in the process, and causing £295 worth of damage to the fence.

well... problem was, it was "off the road" ie, parked in my yard with no tax, MOT or insurance. So nice mr plod did me for same.

despite my protests, and as I had "no evidence" to back my claim up (both my "mate" and the bitch denied everything, and had alibi's) I got rather badly shafted by the court.

9 points on my licence, £500 fine and then they took the car away and crushed it.

and the bill from the farmer arrived 3 weeks later. (fence + 2 sheep total £700)

Looking for methods of revenge at the moment... ideas welcome...
( TBL I posted this on, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 16:43, Reply)

Cerbera, there certainly wasn't any need for that..
If you've got you P45, tell them to fuck off. They've paid you, their mistake.

Bastards.

Not feeling long or wide at the moment.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 16:26, Reply)

I have secret magic words, not unlike SuperTed.
Whenever I utter the words "Things can't possibly get any worse," it's as if they somehow find their way to Heaven or Valhalla or Mount Olympus or whatever, and the gods act to make it so.
Last year, I graduated with a 2:2 rather than the 2:1 I knew my work was worth. "Things can't get any worse." Cue me spending three months working in a newsagent because I can't find anything else. "Things can't get any worse." The newsagent contact me two weeks after I leave. Apparantly, they overpaid me whilst I was there and demand over a thousand pounds back. "Things can't get any worse." The girl who I am living with falls pregnant (not mine) and I have to move out.

Apologies for LENGTH AND GIRTH OF MY ERECT PENIS as I INSERT IT into your VAGINA.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 16:21, Reply)

Coincidence?
My uncle recently committed suicide (by hanging) and since then every attempt I've made to cheer my terribly bereaved mother up has been thwarted by sheer coincidental references to hanging. Firstly I suggested we have a game of hangman. Then I took her out to see a film, it was nice until we popped into this metal pub (she was a goth in the 80s so I thought she might like it) on Wardour Street where they have a cruicified sculpture with a noose around its neck. Nice! Our drinks were accompanied by the fabulous 'Pretty Noose' by Soundgarden, why I pointed this out to my mum I'm still unsure. Lastly, I bought her a copy of Fortean Times as she enjoys that sorta thing. The front cover displays a hanged woman. I should've just given up at hangman really.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Fucking Relatives
Supposed to be going on greek holiday with the wife, but mother in law decides to book us a holiday in a chav ridden Belsen style welsh holiday park, along with rest of family. So cancelled 1st holiday, only to be told that we'd have 7 people in the caravan. Then finally to completely ruin our year, told that they'd invited the oldest relative in the world, who is deaf, who can't remember who anyone is, and moans constantly, and hates children.

I ask you, was there any FUCKING NEED FOR THAT?
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 16:13, Reply)

bitch...
At school, a few weeks (months?) ago, we were in the dining area eating, and a girl who doesn't seem to like me for being good at French, as I was walking past, shoved her chair out, knocking me flying. I can't tell if it was an accident or not, as she was so engrossed in a conversation with her friends about lipgloss or something, but she told me, while I was on the floor with what felt like bloody kneecaps, to watch where I was going.
All I could think of saying was "fermez la, tu chienne grosse." And she didn't even understand -_-
( Kittenpants, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:59, Reply)

I was once baking bread
And when it came out there were loads of air bubbles trapped inside. So I enquired to my mother, "how come my bread is all bubbly?" to which she replied...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:43, Reply)

When I was 13
my parents split up. They told me with 1 day of school left, so I spent the last day of school running off to go cry. A few days later my cat died.

That was a fun summer.
( abandonnship, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:35, Reply)

Last turkey in the shop
Arriving at the hospital with me meat-and-two-veg freshly shaved like a freshly plucked Christmas turkey in advance of that day's rather intimate operation, I found the whole terrifying ordeal had been cancelled at short notice.

I was told by the only nurse on duty that everybody had taken the day off because poor, sweet Princess Diana had carked it, and nobody felt like coming in to work that week.

"Could I come back another day?" she asked.

"Um. Why didn't you tell me BEFORE I got my Bic razor out and nicked me ballbag on a blunt bit?"

"We wanted to see how many people actually turned up."

HULK SMASH!!

Never mind the length, feel the girth.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:30, Reply)

I had to be in work at 8 o'clock this morning.....
.... but there was no need for that.

So I stayed in bed shagging my girlfriend for another two hours.
(this is a shit username, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:27, Reply)

oh dear
Working for a large life assurance company that shall remain nameless. Women phones up to notify that her husband has just passed away and she would like to know how to go about making a claim. Cue person putting her on hold whilst finding out. Women is then subjected to Buddy Holly's.. "that'll be the day that I die" Nice.
(simpson, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:27, Reply)

Is there really any need?
A couple of years ago I was recovering under the care of the lovely people of Kingston Hospital after my appendix burst in my body and it hurt lots, etc etc. It was a strange operation because for some reason my appendix was a lot higher than most people's, almost midway to my ribcage.

Anyways, I woke up after my operation rather groggy from all the painkillers they'd pumped me full of, and the first thing I saw was the shredded remains of my boxer shorts hanging over the back of the chair by my bed. Rather than simply asking me to remove the garment before being wheeled into the operating theatre, the devious chaps had waited until after I'd gone under and deftly sliced them off with a scalpel.

That's not all though. Despite the fact that due to my high appendix, the incision was made quite a distance away from my, erm, 'package', the doctors clearly had a good sense of humour, as they'd shaved my delicates. Not all of my delicates, mind. Just the right hand side of them. My penis looked like tthe guitarist from bloody 'Blondie'. There really was no need for that. On the other hand, you may have heard that shaving that area makes everything look rather more 'impressive', so I would only allow my girlfriend to view me from the right hand side for a few weeks after that.

I did get my favourite photo of myself ever out of the situation, though. It's a shot from behind of me standing out in the ambulance area, wearing one of those funky hospital gowns. My arse cheeks are hanging out in the cold autumn air, I have two stands either side of me with drips leading into each arm, and I'm puffing frantically on a Marlboro Red. Champion.
(HilarityEnsues, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:26, Reply)

.
blood
( slippery doctore, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:16, Reply)

i needlessly answered the qotw...
...with references to wanking off with headphones on [to block out the sound of the ice-cream van].
(bakerloo.boy, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Amsterdam
Memory jogged by beejay's post above...

Late summer three years ago, an 18-year-old me decided to go for a solo "head-clearing" *ahem* few days in Amsterdam, just me, a tent and a huge rucksack. All was going well until the third day when I was accosted by a huge guy in Central Station (who I later found out was part of a gang) trying to sell me cocaine, who upon my refusal wouldn't go away, blocked my exit and advanced on me, pinning me into a dead end of the station, but no-one walking by batted an eyelid. Frightened out of my skin, I ended up having to give him 20 euros just to go away; whereupon I went to the local police station, sweating and shaking, and explained to them exactly what had happened not 100 yards away from their own office. Their reaction -

"...Er, are you stoned?"
(the1gip, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:45, Reply)

My mum
Whilst visiting her mum in north wales, my mum tripped and smashed her ankle. In a shitty ambulance a couple of days later, she was transfered 300 miles to hartlepool hospital where we visited her in the evening, with my step dad giving her a single she wanted him to by for her while she was away - I hate you so much right now.

They are still togeter but never get along
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:43, Reply)