runty toe.
I have a freak toe, a flat paddle-like baby toe on one foot that sits over its neighbour.
At Heathrow after a return flight from a generally traumatic trip, I stubbed said toe on my trolley. Ow. Then I did it again.
Less Ow, more F**kingchristb****ckssh*t.
Dad arrives to pick me up, tells me I'm being dramatic, but I persuade him to take me to the hospital.
The doctor sees me and starts panicking that I've ripped it out of its joint. I'm not about to point out to him it always looks like that, this is the NHS and panic helps get you seen.
They do the x-rays, and it still hurts like hell. They decide it's a hairline fracture and pass me onto a phsysio.
Who then rips it out of its joint.
It has never healed, and apparently never will because of the way it sits over the other toe.
Bastard.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 16:33, Reply)

I was working mornings in the local bakery
I thought you just had to hit the bread dough. I asked if I was doing it right and got told, “No, knead”.
(A bad QOTW and then I go and post that, eh? It works on so many levels)
(Sir Ian Blair, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 16:22, Reply)

More A&E madness...
First, I have nothing but respect for the medical staff working in our countries glorious NHS, however some of the staff...

Barbecue round at mine, throwing together some potato salad for people when knife slips whilst chopping chives. Removes top 10mm of my ring-finger (not completely, still hanging on by a few shreds of 'tissue'. Blood everywhere, friend comes to see what's up, passes out on the floor. Wrap tea-towel round end of finger, which promptly turns red and starts dripping. Trip to casualty for me (and friend). Arrive at 'reception'
Receptionist: What's wrong with you then?
Me: I have cut my finger very badly.
Receptionist: Can I take a look?
Me: I don't think that's a good idea, you see it is bleeding rather profusely.
Receptionist: I really do neet to look.
Me: OK...
I unwrap the blood sodden tea-towel and proceed to spray, drip, smear blood everywhere, over the glass, all over her notes, desk and PC screen.
Receptionist: Now look what a mess you've made.
Me:...

I did warn her that there was profuse bleeding didn't I?

Receptionists... Bah.
(Boris_the_Pig, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Eastenders
That poor fucker the priest. Well he used to be on it and I ran into him at White Hart Lane and spent 10 minutes convincing him that he was in fact a bloke I knew called Phil. He looked very scared as I got angrier at his failure to recall my various anecdotes.

The give away was my two mates pissing themselves at my slow and painful realisation that perhaps he wasn't Phil.
(Arty Morty, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 15:59, Reply)

Protection or weaponry?
Nobby Nobody - bet you wished you'd been wearing some of that "nancy padding" (which, for the ill-informed, is there because - unlike in rugby (which I also like, BTW - none of this parochial "my game is better than your game" playground bollocks) - American Football players get hit at full speed on EVERY SINGLE PLAY. Not just the guy with the ball.
Dissing things without fulling understanding the finer details - definitely no need for that!
(AlohasRyk, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Re: vive le boosh
Did you happen to go to school at the College of Surgeons of Ireland (RCSI)?

If not you are an urban myth aicmfp!

Urban Testicle Myth (Scroll down to the bottom)
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 15:24, Reply)

ouch
a/s/l - 19, female, in bed for second or third time with then loveoflife in our dodgy student house in the arse end of manor house that was only held up by the fungus and the mouse droppings.

loveoflife didn't actually know that this was his status. which is still no excuse for yawning, scratching his skinny white arse and saying something exceptionally offensive. hence huge row followed by devastated self jumping out of bed and having the humiliation of being unable to storm out because pants had totally disappeared. and they HAD to be found. the alternative was too hideous to contemplate.

finally getting self and pants up to attic bedroom. beyond gutted. lying in dark staring at ceiling, throat clotted with tears, eyes burning, swearing away, wondering how on earth to carry on living in same house. decide that this is it: nothing can ever be any worse than that.

wrong. then ceiling makes funny belching noise and paper tears right above the bed. 100 years of rusty rainwater pours through the crack, drowning not only me but my bed, bedding and immediately surrounding carpet in stinking brown rainwater and rodent and pigeon shit.

now there was REALLY no need for that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 14:07, Reply)

I have a gorgeous bike
Well actually it's Dads, but I maintain it. It's a Pashley Roadster-real old cast-iron-drainpipe-filled-with-lead, crack-your-bollocks-on-the-crossbar, gents road bike-ex police. Usually I am the one who rides this heavy heap, but Dad has a new job and has begun using it. Last week, he managed tomove each wheel in it's fork. They were both tilted heavily, in opposite directions, so they were rubbing against the forks. "Fix it" I am told. Not too hard. Then, about 2 days later, he ran over a safety pin, bursting the front tyre. This I also fixed. But instead of one , easily fixed puncture, the inner tube has a 6 inch dotted line of holes. He might have took the pin out before pushing it home :(
Look ma, no length joke!
( Greenbat, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 13:41, Reply)

piste off
A couple of guys I know were snowboarding in Switzerland. They went off-piste and the berks ended up falling down a very deep crevasse. They survived, but both broke most of their bones and spent a long time down there in agony and terror before a helicopter came and rescued them.

But this was just the beginning of their ordeal. Since they had gone off the designated piste, their insurance didn't cover their substantial medical bills. Nor did it cover the cost of the helicopter call-out, billed at almost 100 quid per minute of flying time.
( Biffins Bridge, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 12:49, Reply)

Johnny One-Ball
playing pool with a couple of mates, a nice competitive edge comes into it, obviously...

Johnny is about to take the title, he steadies himself to sink the reasonably easy black...it was at this point that Mike, his highly inebriated opponent and close personal friend, decided to take this opportunity to try and put him off by "nudging his nadgers" with the butt of the cue...being drunk and slightly incapable of basic motor functions, he proceeded to absolutely smash Johnny in the bollocks from behind with his cue, it was reminiscent of a young babe ruth smashing a home run, only it was in a pub, and it was
pool and not baseball...

Poor Johnnny went down like a sack of spuds, and was in great pain. we laughed, he cried. real tears.

We had to call an ambulance cos he couldn't get up, and in the resulting examination, was saddened to hear that he would infact, be losing his left testicle...posthumously named "Brian"...due to "severe damage"...

He now has a "rubber Ball" and is known in our town as "Johnny One-Ball"

As if this wasn't bad enough, Mike also made him pay the £10 which hung on the game...

There was certainly no need for that...
(Big Andy, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 11:30, Reply)

Not proud to admit that I still find this funny
Back in the 80s, there was a deaf-mute kid on our estate who to our collective shame was widely known as Dopey David and generally given quite a lot of stick.

One day down the park a bunch of us were attempting to convey, via the medium of improvised sign language, the fact that the girl he fancied was a fucking slag. Gradually the message got through and he became enraged. This pleased us.

Surprisingly, he drew from his coat a pair of those kung fu stick things (nunchucks?) and started flailing them around wildly and emitting some very strange whining noises. With perfect comedy timing the chain between them snapped and one stick went flying.

Thus further angered, and amid a sea of mocking hoots and jeers, he gathered his pitiful weapon and rode off across the park on his cheap crappy BMX. He turned to face us, gave us a high-pitched yell, and at that precise moment a weld or something on his bike frame seemed to snap and it collapsed in a heap beneath him.

Seldom have I laughed so hard in my life as I did at that moment. How, I thought, could anything possibly top this?

Well it did. As poor old Dopey David sat there in the wreckage of his fucked bike, crying and screaming and punching the ground, a big fat alsatian dog walked up, sniffed at the bike, cocked its leg and pissed all over him.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 11:27, Reply)

i have been revising
solidly for the last week. i am studying endocrinology and immunology. its been the hottest weekend i can remember and i sat at my desk staring out of the window. no need. fucking medical school. the nly thing that has kept me going is the thought that on wednesday there will be a better qotw.
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 11:01, Reply)

Physical and mental damage.
Playing a ridiculous game while in an innercity, all concrete school playground, I got 'tackled' by my best mate, who's quite a bit bigger than me. He jumped on top of me and I crumpled under his weight, smacking my head on the concrete and passing out. The first thing I saw when I woke up, focusing through the absolute agony, was an up-skirt view of the most unappealing dinner lady's growler, with a tampon string protruding... She was stood over me chatting with another dinner lady about moving me inside. I felt used.
(josephus42, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 10:58, Reply)

Cricket
Yesterday Mr Clapper and his mate went to watch the historic England v Oz cricket- dressed as pirates.

There was every need for them to get hideously drunk- it's traditional.

There was no need for me to think it was a good idea to go and meet them at 8.30 pm when I was stone cold sober, and they really really weren't.

There was probably also a need (or at least an unavoidable effect) for them to be incapable of doing anything else than slap at each other feebly with plastic swords (usually hitting me)whilst going 'Gaaarr!'.

There was absolutely no need for Mr Clapper to decide it would be a good idea to start hacking away at my fanny with the sword in the pub garden. And for his mate to then spill pintage all over my fags.

There was a righteous revenge need for me to take them to the local biker pub in full fancy dress, wait until they sat down, and then persuade the locals to come out from behind the bar and wordlessly brandish their very real, very sharp Japanese broadswords. And battleaxe.

My need to *snigger* was beyond words.
(clapper, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 10:57, Reply)

now there is absolutely no need ......
FOR ALL OF THESE FUXING EXAMS :'( *crys in corner*
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Celine Dion
Singing when the boat crashed.
( Lightguy hail satan, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 10:00, Reply)

Money, money, money.
Moving in with my girlfriend, graduating university, working to get cash together, shuttling around to find a job and a place to live...

BAM!

Bank cancelled my DD many moons ago without telling me. Landlord didn't have me on the contract. Nobody told me I hadn't paid my rent...

For six months.

Lovely.
(Cregol, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 9:47, Reply)

Definitely no need...
...for people to continue to spell 'definitely' incorrectly. There is no 'a' in there. EVER.
(rumandcoke, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 9:01, Reply)

Lovely Summer's Day
Picture it; a large garden, a weather forecast for sunshine and a heatwave. My dad sets up an 8-foot swimming pool in the garden, and starts filling it up with a hose pipe for my sister and her friend (this was when they were ten, going back a while now).

Because this was a crap hosepipe, it took him 4 hours to fill up the pool. To add to the girls dismay, as soon as my dad announced that this was full, my rotweiler decided that this was an oppertune time to piss straight in the pool, right before the girls were about to step in there.

Dogs are stupid? He knew exactly what he was doing :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 8:40, Reply)

Dead people!
2 months ago, my best friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
2 weeks ago, my stepdad was told he had less than 6 months with terminal cancer.
2 weeks ago, long time family friend told same thing, with same thing as my best friend friend.
Yesterday, my aunt died. Mum knows I'm struggling dealing with the above, she sent me a fucking text message. There was no need for that! A phone call would have been nicer.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 4:39, Reply)

Never been much of a team player
But when our school started doing rugby, I found I quite enjoyed it and got picked for the team.

Fast forward to our first inter-school match and there's this huge fat bloke with the ball barraling down the pitch towards me. I know by body weight isn't going to stop him with a body tackle, so I dive for his legs in an attempt to trip him up.

Remember, this is rugby, like American Football but without all the nancy padding.

The tackle worked, but as he fell, he landed with his full fat-bloke weight on his knee on MY COLLARBONE and snapped it like a twig.

At this point though, I'm all hyped up on adrenaline and don't realise what's happened but after a few minutes, the pain in my shoulder gets the better of me and I wander off the pitch towards the school.

The deputy head of the school is also the designated first aider (no school nurse in a rural school of 200 pupils in 1981).
He decides that my shoulder is dislocated, grabs my arm and yanks it hard.
This treatment completes the break, totaly seperating the bone into two pieces.
There really was no need for that.

I passed out, but not before screaming and calling my Deputy Headmaster a 'fucking wally'.
Strangely, he never mentioned the incident...
( NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 3:02, Reply)

cat shit
cat sh!ts on the bed. take off the sheet, duvet cover, mattress protector etc, off i go to the washing machine. come back, cat has sh!t on the bare mattress.

little b4stard.
( wingphil, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 0:56, Reply)

dual-orifice forced peristalsis
First week of college, contracted a nasty stomach flu. Crawled miserably down the dormitory hall to the common bathroom and into a stall, commenced wretched retching. Had nearly decided to end it all when Morten from across the hall came barreling in and, thinking I was choking, applied the Heimlich maneuver.
(douchebarge, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 23:51, Reply)

Definately no need
for another shit QOTW.
(Rushy, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 23:00, Reply)

Ugh
I've been scoped both ends by a doc at the local hospital. As if it weren't bad enough having the scope being forced through my digestive system from either end, the doc sang opera the entire time he did it.

He also puts on an annual benefit concert. Bastard.
(Ecclesia, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 21:10, Reply)

No need for what?
Isn't that what that boy's mum said to Michael Jackson?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sun 19 Jun 2005, 21:00, Reply)

AOL image search ................................
Whilst looking on aol (which allows you type a subject and searches for and shows images) for an image for my desktop, i found a photo of a mountain scene and thoguht that looks ok. So anyways I followed the link for the photo and needless to say it wasn,t the photo I was expecting. All i can say is that there are some fucking sick people who think that someone turning his arse inside out in a goatse pose? would turn me on , bastards,definately no need.Anyways ,second post just as shite as the first,I would have posted the link to the photo but there would be no need for that either.
(andycrass loves two hats on, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 20:43, Reply)

Kickboxing
I was totally knackered from sparing one night and i was paired up for the last fight with the hard guy. i was holding out untill he swings round heels me on the top of the head, i pass out and wake up to the instructor looking at me and saying "wont do that again will you"
(Haggard, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 20:42, Reply)

A bit hypocritical but ...
Don't you hate it when people use these QOTW's to post stupid bandwagons such as the ice cream van.

Frankly it's boring and not funny in the slightest (Don't get me started on the length "jokes")

I don't often post but like to view and these posts are rubbish.

/Rant over
[mod edit: we're hunting them down. They are just tedious bollocks. As are the length jokes. If I get any drunker, I'm editing the lot of them out :)]
(Elfking, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 20:33, Reply)

while playing muck up rugby with a couple of mates
we had a stupid rule, being kinda drunk, that if anyone fell to the floor and didn't get up quick enough, everyone could start a pile on (which since we were drunk would proabbly be pretty vicious to say the least)

well, we were playing around, no one tackling for fear of imminent crushing, and suddenly this kid who was an absolute cunt gets the ball, so i think this is my chance to get him, just hope i get up quick enough.
So i go charging in head first, not noticing someone else was doing exactly the same and cue an almightly crack as we hit head on with each other, with an added really horrible squeking noise as my neck kind of consertinered up like a slinky (luckyly and oddly boinging back to normal though) and rendering me lieing on the floor wobbling oddly.

The bit that wasen't needed was the fact that the next thing i saw was my sight of the nice sunny day suddenly being obstructed by someones huge fat smelly backside, which was the beginning of a huge pile.

Stangly was perfectly fine afterward and it barely actually hurt at all, thank god for the painkilling effects of the wonderdrug that is alcohol, and the good thing was, the cunt with the ball was the one that went to hospital with a broken nose
sorry for length
(Calmallama Is keeping this short and sweet, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 20:33, Reply)