It definitely wasn't me...
... that pished into a rainwater drain on the roof of a block of flats. That actually turned out to be the top of the combined bathroom extractor fan vent pipe for a quarter of the building. Nope.
(gordonjcp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:30, Reply)

A now very good friend of mine
and I had a small arguement in Year 11 PE. I said something about his mum being fit, he said something about my dad being a mongoloid.

For some reason, after we left the changing rooms, I decided then to prove to him that I couldnt have a monogoloid dad. His sperm was definetly adequate to make a son and whats more, a strong son - infact I was probably strong enough to push him over.

So I ran into him and gave him a right good two handed wallop, and he hits the floor. "BOOM" says I, as he skids along the weird rubber flooring of the sports hall.

Then, I go and start playing basketball, blissfully unaware that I had just broken his hand and wrist.

Our hilariously named PE Teacher Mr Wiffin thought he was joking when he fainted as well, so he just stood there pointing at him telling him to get up.

The cunts fingers are still spazzed, he cant point for shit.

Edit - Spelling was never my fort.
(Eyes&Tees Could have, Would have, Should have on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:55, 12 replies)

all in the name of 'love'...
I was in the last year of sixth form and dating a girl in year 11 (it was all legal, she was old for her age, I was young etc etc, honestly officer). She was hot. Not so much now, so I guess I got in while it was good, so to speak. Anyway, she had a French Oral (giggidy) exam one afternoon and was stressing about it over lunch, she jokingly said I should trip the fire alarm so that it would be postponed, "Ha, yeah, that'd be great" said I...

Early afternoon came and I pondered the glories of such an act, I also pondered the down side, being in the sixth form and supposedly setting an example to all the lower years, plus how could i get out of the classroom with a good excuse and not have my teacher get suspicious? While I pondered this and also wondered what my 'reward' would be from the girlfriend, the fire alarm went off... I panicked..

I knew it wasn't me, but no-one else was in the room to be my witness, I was nowhere near a fire alarm. Had the power of my mind done this?

No.

So everyone makes their way into the car park to line up. I walk past the girlfriend, she's smiling, she gives me a cheeky wink.

She thinks I did this.

I didn't.

After school she comes bounding over.

"Oh my god, You're amazing! thanks for that..."

"well I..."

"it was you wasn't it?"

"yep."

we did rude stuff that night.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:25, 22 replies)

Dear childhood best friend's sister...
Emma, I have a confession to make. Your childhood hampster fluffy (or some other equally predictable name) didn't just die. The fucker bit me when I was trying to feed it and you were out.

He just did not want to let go, it hurt and I panicked. So I tried shaking him off, and eventually he came off and hit your wardrobe before scuttling off. After an hour of looking, blood still pissing from my finger I found him and returned him to his cage. My guess is that he died from shock.

My remorse is for the loss of the furry creature. But I smirked at your crying a couple of days later. You should never have been such a vicious, fickle and back stabbing bitch. I feel bad for that hampster but take comfort in knowing you've married someone twice your ace who looks like that yellow guy from Sin City with a shiny bowling ball head.
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 9:22, 9 replies)

I was not responsible for my classmates broken ankle.
I did not find a spoon in a tree whilst at primary school, then use said spoon to dig a mini, foot sized pit, cover it with twigs, leaves, and grass then wait for an unsuspecting victim to fall into my cunningly laid trap. The person that eventually fell into my punji spiked pit did not fall awkwardly, twist with his foot wedged firmly in the hole, and break his ankle. I also most assuredly did not own up to digging said pit.
( BeefJerky Hands off my jerky.., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 8:34, 2 replies)

Bombs away!
I never - whilst drunk one weekday afternoon when a uni student - went to a mate's rooftop flat in the city. It was not 6 storeys up and his flatmate was not there. I did not spy a collection of large glass jars on the terrace and I most definitely did NOT lean over the side of the building and drop a half dozen or so one after the other amongst pedestrians on the main street of my home town below. The jars did not - thank fuck - hit anyone (that part is true).
The police did not come up and question me briefly and I did say it wasn't me.
Def not one of my prouder teenage memories.
(wino.NZ The Ayatollah of rock n' rolla..., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 5:55, Reply)

I never did something that would make me look like a cunt if I were to admit to it.

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 2:18, Reply)

I certainly didn't once write a sentence on what wasn't a website and there's no way that sentence, which wasn't a sentence, as I didn't write it, didn't involve too many negatives, because that wasn't the tedious meme of the week,
for that sentence not to be in no way painful not to read.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 23:52, 3 replies)

Not me, but someone who looked a lot like me...
..once made a movies-style booby trap by tying one end of a piece of string to a tree, at about chest height, and the other end to a milkbottle (glass in those days), which was hidden in the hedge on the other side of the path.

Even though it wasn't me, I'm sorry startled cyclist.
(Kyzia was here on, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 23:28, Reply)

I most certainly never...
...misplaced a hefty rock on the railway line when I visited a model village in Spain. I've never seen the Spanish so animated
(Jonas123, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 22:41, Reply)

Never, ever
crop-dusted crappy tippers when I was a waitress.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 21:43, 8 replies)

Mindless childish vandalism
I didn't once, as a teenager, utterly trash someone's car because I felt confident he wasn't using it anymore.

I had tested this theory a week earlier, by putting a banger in an egg, lighting it, and putting it on the front seat. When, a week later, the insides were still spattered with egg, I figured we were good to go. Apparently not...
(fat ted, cheese lover perpetual moistener, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 20:39, Reply)

Cheeky hand shandy in maths class, then geography class
During my formative years, when I had way too much testosterone, I certainly never bashed one out in a maths lesson, terrified that the teacher would find out. Having got away with this, I certainly didn't then try my luck again while watching a video on volcanoes (feel free to insert your own innuendo here).

Incidentally, I say I got away with it, but if you were sitting next to a kid who was clearly wanking, would you tell him? No one ever said anything though, so I reckon it's all good.

It was an all-boys school so I had to use my imagination.

Remorse = wearing soggy pants for the rest of the day.
(fat ted, cheese lover perpetual moistener, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 18:30, 9 replies)

Bouncy bouncy
Mistafeesh reminded me of something that I definitely didn't do, because it would have been insanely dangerous and stupid...

There's a building in my town which is eight stories high, and has a staircase on the OUTside. So that a couple of young lads could easily be tempted to go to the top and drop stuff off.

Certainly I did that. But it would have been really stupid to graduate from cans and toy soldiers to seeing how high tyres would bounce if dropped from that height*. And really insanely stupid to haul a shopping trolley up and heave that off, since a) shopping trollies are not known for their bouncing properties, and b) it would have been in full sight of the shop from which the trolley came, which is not too bright when the staircase is the single escape route from the scene of the crime...


* About three stories. And if you're at the bottom watching, they squash REALLY flat before bouncing up. Apparently.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 15:41, Reply)

primary school naily plank car interface
My primary school used to occasionally walk to the library on top of a local multistorey car park. On one occasion a bunch of lads were hanging back from the main class group and chucking stuff over the edge. Bits of rubbish that were blowing around - crisp packets, old newspapers, fag packets etc.
In a pathetic attempt to join in, I certainly didn't lob a plank with nails in it over the edge. Or at least no-one noticed I did, as they would certainly have grassed me up when the whole class was hauled in front of the headmaster about the damage it had done to a car.
I do have a good reason for not owning up - I had a proper, genuine evil stepfather who would have beaten me if he'd found out, but I did feel bad for everyone else in the class who had to have a weeks lunchtime detentions. Sorry!
(teasus likes tea, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 15:00, 1 reply)

You're ALL individuals!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 10:36, 16 replies)

I definately didn't spell definately wrong.

(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 9:52, 2 replies)

I definitely didn't misunderstand this weeks question
and just tell stories of things I definitely did do and people know I did because they saw me and not stories where people didn't know I did something but now I am confessing to it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 9:44, 4 replies)

I definitely never did this
When I was first teaching in China, it was at a university. The classes I was teaching were all training to be primary school teachers, and thus were about 96% female, all between 19 and 20. Well, I has happy as a dog with two dicks, as you can imagine, especially as they seemed to consider me "glamourous" and "exotic" - it was a university in a small provincial town, and I don't think most of them had even met a foreigner before. So they would beam at me, and I would exult in how cool I suddenly was.

So one day, I turned up for class and got the lesson on the data projector. I used to type the lesson plans up on Word, with the basic instructions which I would explain as the class proceeded. Simples.

Except, for this class, I had been bored/horny while typing it up. So I definitely didn't start off with "Today, we'll be talking about... who gets to suck me off". And forgotten to delete it. And shit myself when I saw it up on the monitor.

I don't think I've ever moved a mouse so fast.
(McChinaman banned, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 8:06, 22 replies)

During a one-to-one English lesson in a (female) client's office yesterday
I definitely didn't suggest watching some English language film on YouTube and then type YouPorn into her laptop by mistake.
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 7:19, Reply)

I definately didn't put a fake nose and pointy hat on John Cleese's ex-wife and then try and claim she was a witch
It was ok in the end though as I turned out to be right because it just so happens that she weighs the same as a duck
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 4:13, 2 replies)

Wisnae Me
No, Officer, I did not run barefoot up Hawthornvale, and Newhaven Road in Edinburgh this evening, wearing a white climbing helmet and waving a log splitting axe, to meet a couple of 1 Scots mates on the corner of Ferry Road.
(p0zitr0n - phunarmically charged particle, detected at, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 1:28, 1 reply)

And neither did I
crack one off on the empty top deck of a bus when I was a teenager, liberally coating the back of the chair in front with the most unfathomable amount of joy-gloy.
(Leemondus, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 20:28, Reply)

I most definitely did NOT
drag a magnet all over my auntie's new tv screen when I was 10, completely bolloxing it forever.
(Leemondus, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 20:26, 9 replies)

I did not hit her!
It's not true!
It's bullshit.
I DID NAHT.
...oh, hai Mark.
(Dewhead who hid my Mountain Dew?!, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 18:46, 7 replies)