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(

rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)

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Murder!
A crazy Mary Bale-type keeps attacking the snowmen in my cousin's street. So far we've had repeated beheadings, a spade in the stomach surrounded by ketchup 'blood', and a carrot nose removed and turned into a penis.
The solution? My cousin is right now using the snow bricks from her kids' igloo to brick up this woman's door.
I suggested dog poo as mortar, and a pit-trap in front of the snow man, but they don't want to mess up the lawn.

How would you dish out justice in these conditions?
And how are you all?
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 7:49, 226 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I wouldn't
This sounds hilarious. I'm off out to do the same myself.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 7:54, Reply)

At first we thought it was gingerism, because their snowman has a ginger afro
but it turns out no snowperson is safe..
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 7:56, Reply)

Actually
A couple of weeks ago, when I was stranded by the snow in Sheffield/Barnsley, we spent a couple of hours crafting an effigy of my cousin in snow while we waited for him to get back from work. I would have been VERY PISSED OFF if someone had killed SnowThom.

I know he looks a bit hydrocephalus, but in fairness, all I did was stand around drinking and 'supervising', then put the finishing details on.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:01, Reply)

His chin is amazing

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:04, Reply)

Yeah
Pretty much all I did was put the fake cigarette in its mouth and provide the empty beer can.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:12, Reply)

I made this hat for my friend for Halloween, he went as the Mad Hatter from America McGee's Alice
but the spaz stuck it on his snowman and someone stole it

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:07, Reply)

That's a lovely snowman
And a lovely hat :)
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

thanks
shame some stupid thieving student probably has it in his room next to a no parking sign and an empty beer can structure.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Stupid wanker students.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I like the fact that he's pointing at the snowman. I probably wouldn't have noticed it otherwise.

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:32, Reply)

haha

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Wouldn't it melt inside?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:39, Reply)

But then, aren't we all essentially melting inside a little, everyday?

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Good thanks
I'd keep building them right in front of her house in the middle of the night. Adding a few more with sad and angry eyes. I'd arrange a bunch of about three all looking forlorn on her doorstep pointing at her front door.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:00, Reply)

Or move them closer to her house while she's asleep
Weeping Angels style.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:02, Reply)

Yes!
Very sinister.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:05, Reply)

This
is brilliant.
(berk, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Hahaha, brilliant!

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:04, Reply)

On a vaguely related note
I've spent a good hour and a half trying to make a playlist for a christmas party I'm having tomorrow. I'm trying to keep it alternative but still christmassy, any suggestions?

By the way, may I point out that all this has done is make me HATE CUNTING CHRISTMAS MUSIC EVEN MORE.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:44, Reply)

Gilbert O' Sullivan, 'Christmas Song'.
Simply because it NEVER gets played ever.
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:50, Reply)

It really was a bad idea to do this
I'm so miserable. Over half the songs I have so far are about how shit christmas is. Everyone's going to leave my party and kill themselves.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:52, Reply)

That'll Be Christmas by Thea Gilmore then.

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Seriously
I've actually put "Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis" by Tom Waits on the playlist.

Although I have just stumbled across an album called "Psychobilly Christmas", which looks a bit more promising and less suicide inducing.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Oooh, did you see that Christmas Folk concert thingy that was on BBC 4 at the weekend**?
She was on there, doing that.

**That's just the crazy hedonistic lifestyle I have, OK?
(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:16, Reply)

I did indeed!
I loved it. The Unthanks doing In the Bleak Midwinter FTW.

Did you watch Strictly Clog Dancing?
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:51, Reply)

The Unthanks is a terrible name, but they were good. I actually liked the voice of the one who did more harmonising better than the one who did the main vocal, though.
I was quite unaware of Strictly Come Clog Dancing, I'm afraid.

I'm becoming increasingly attached to music that has a strong sense of place or tradition. I think it's probably the male menopause.
(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Mine's an old-age thing too
I now want to learn clog dancing.
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:36, Reply)

The Ramones - Merry Christmas ( I Don't Want To Fight Tonight )

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:55, Reply)

Motörhead - Run Rudolph Run

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Headcoatees - Santa Claus

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Cheers Monty

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:58, Reply)

No problem
The Fall also did a version of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, I think.

Also I personally don't mind the Phil Spector Xmas stuff either.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

did he go down for that murder in the end?

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:03, Reply)

I thinks so, yes.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:04, Reply)

unlucky
I saw a bit of his trial, but only in the form of "look at how increasingly ridiculous his hair gets each day"
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:08, Reply)

He has a better selection of wigs
than Dalston's 'Afro Beauty Superstore'
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

I love wigs but I would never dare wear one
almost makes me wish I had cancer.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Well, it's Christmas....
Maybe your wish will come true.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

I could make that wish come true...
*cracks knuckles*
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

you're going to punch me so hard I get cancer?

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

You'll thank me when you're rocking a series of hilarious wigs

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

The Phil Spector album is good and features some ace drumming, particularly on Frosty The Snowman and The Bells of St Mary

Thanks For Christmas By Three Wise Men (XTC in disguise)is acceptable but not really "party" music.
(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Blink 182 - I won't be home for Christmas

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Aww, I can't find that on Spotify
:(
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:05, Reply)

*coughs*
Torrent their Greatest Hits CD, it's a bonus track *coughs*
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Do you know what's sad?
My laughably small hard drive means I can't torrent anything. Although I did just find this album of the Nightmare Before Christmas music remixed.

Fuck it, that'll do.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

That is sad :(
You don't even have about 200MB free?
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:26, Reply)

No
So the little box in the corner keeps telling me. I want a new hard drive for christmas.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:30, Reply)

ooh have you heard that Xm@$ one by Corey Taylor?
It's quite funny. He says things like 'stuff those jingle bells up your ass'.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

It is funny
But it's a shit song though, which is a shame really, as he expresses my sentiments exactly.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:01, Reply)

it is pretty bad but I quite like it

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:01, Reply)

I was about to suggest this
Only heard it the once, kept meaning to give it another listen, but I'm listening to Flogging Molly instead.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:01, Reply)

I'm listening to Etta James and trying to write a burlesque routine
saw the film last night, it was fantastic.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:02, Reply)

Christina looks well fit in the trailers
Kitty 5.0 for sure
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:03, Reply)

I'm going to the bar early tonight to try and nail a really hard move that I know Kitty 2.0 can't do
Christina doesn't wear a bra in the whole film, they nearly slap out onto the breakfast bar at one point.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:04, Reply)

*books tickets*

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:05, Reply)

there's some excellent 6 pack action to balance it out though
me and Applebite annoyed the old lady next to us by going 'mmmmmmm' whenever the guy took his shirt off.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:09, Reply)

you were probably putting her off her stroke

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:15, Reply)

eww
she was like 60! But then again, so is Cher and she was wearing very little for most of the film.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Perverts
Applebite managed to pry herself away from her boyfriend then? Or did he come to and make it a double date?
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:15, Reply)

he didn't come with
but I dropped her off at his at the end.

There was an amusing moment earlier when she tried to get in the wrong car in the carpark.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

Hilarious, I'm sure
Was someone in that other car? Did you catch her discussing rates as she leant in through the window first?
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:21, Reply)

haha 'silly me, old habits!'
no unfortunately there was no one else in the car. I didn't let her start trying the door in case the alarm went off.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I just found a song called "Santa Gave To You What You Gave To Me"
Which is going on the playlist. Spread the message of safe sex and all that.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:07, Reply)

My First Christmas As A Woman - The Vandals.
STAY AWAY from Twisted Sister's godawful Christmas album.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:28, Reply)

I'd completely forgotten about Oi! To The World!!!
Thank you so much!
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:49, Reply)

I went to my first VIP after party thing on Saturday
but it was dreadful, full of people who were all "yah, we know the band" and stuff. Wiggy pointed out that we also knew the band and that was why we were there, so I asked if we could leave.

The gig itself was boring as well, but I came up with a couple of new corset ideas so it wasn't a total waste.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 8:59, Reply)

was it.......gasp.......JAMES???!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:07, Reply)

it was,
that's why I didn't name the band. Don't worry Monty, I didn't enjoy it.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Glad to hear it. They're fucking appalling.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

I dunno, I think they're pretty inoffensive,
but I just don't really care one way or the other for their music. But it was free, so y'know.

The highlight was when they invited about 20 people on stage to dance at the end and one of the girls tried to get the singer's coat off him and he pretty much bitch slapped her. I lolled.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:19, Reply)

I used to like James what's wrong with James?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

that's the thing, they're ok,
I just wouldn't choose to listen to them. Unless someone says "come to this free gig".

When I told Apple about it she said "who is James?". But I shouldn't be surprised, on my birthday night out we were in a bar with Bez and she didn't know who he was either. Yoof.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:25, Reply)

It's wasted on the young

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I like the addition of the ketchup blood
I'm grand thanks, town was dead quiet on Saturday due to 6" of snow, so I got all my shopping done in a very relaxed manner. I like snow, just don't like the 'SNOW CHAOS!!1' news that always dominates the headlines.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

did you skip down the street with the bags in your hand like Annie?

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:02, Reply)

No I did not
I nearly punched a feckless WH Smith's shop girl for charging me a GOD DAMN FORTUNE for some poxy cards and wrapping paper.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:04, Reply)

ooh la-di-da Mr I Shop In WHSmiths
what's wrong with The Works eh?
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:04, Reply)

I didn't think
I then went by the Pound Shop (the posher Stratford residents hate that we now have one) and had a mini internal rage when I saw the wrapping goodies I could have had for much less.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I was aghast to be told that Winchester has one now.
There are two housing estates for the peasantry though, I suppose, but still...
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:08, Reply)

I love The Works
3 books for a fiver? You can't go wrong.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Unless they're shit books.
Then it's not really worth it.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:11, Reply)

well yeah but that's the risk you take
last time I played book roulette with my friend in Waterstones I got Hunter S Thompson, but he got a fiction with a baby shoe on the front about some woman's struggle with a still born or something dreadful like that. He refused to buy it.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:14, Reply)

I got the missus an excellent Jewish cookbook from there once for £3.
The irony that it was (a) bought as a Christmas present, and (b) about £27 cheaper than it should have been is not lost on me...
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

Unless...
you can build a fort out of them.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:21, Reply)

that's true of anything though really

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:26, Reply)

True enough
though books - particularly hardbacks - tend to make better building materials than, say, cats.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Unless you glue the cats together first.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Ah, nobody mentioned adhesives!
For 'twas with the advent of Araldite that cat and glue did take the place of the artful skill of building a solid dry-book wall.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Never heard of it - I was talking about a pound shop.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:13, Reply)

oh whoops, I missed Labs' interjection and thought you were replying to me.
You'd hate The Works too though.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Oh I dunno.
You can get some half decent looking Nazi reference porn in there.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:23, Reply)

*gets on train to impoverished north*

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:29, Reply)

They have them in the south, too I think.
Save your train fare. You'll never get through due to all the snow anyway.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:31, Reply)

The uptight locals here are always whinging about something that threatens to 'destroy' Stratford
First it was the lap dancing club (you wouldn't know it was one until you got inside), then the sex shop (again, tastefully done, but it didn't last long as the council kept upping the fees) and now they rag on about the Pound Shop.
It doesn't help that about 1/5 of the shop spaces are empty because the rent is far too high for small independent shops.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:11, Reply)

MK doesn't.
we're a bit too upmarket.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:44, Reply)

maybe The Works took one look and was all "well fuck that"

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:46, Reply)

^ this
In fact, I'm too cheap to even do that. No one is getting a card or a wrapped present. I'm saving the environment, innit?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:06, Reply)

My mum gets sadface if I don't get her a card
I can't do that to me ma on Christmas.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:07, Reply)

my mum's taken to sending me e-cards
because she knows I don't like real cards. But the bastard website tells her when I've opened it, what is this, 1984?!?!
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:11, Reply)

This morning I got two Amazon gift certificates from my nice aunts and uncles
Less to open Christmas Day, but a good gift nonetheless.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:14, Reply)

wrap up an empty box with AMAZONG VOUCHERS written on the side

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Effort
I have idly thought about making a boxing-glove-on-a-spring-in-a-box for my sister, but it'd have to be a heavy duty wooden box in order to be able to use a spring powerful enough to knock her out.

Bought her and her fella Dexter Season 4 instead.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:18, Reply)

just punch her when she opens it.

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Printing this out so you're to blame

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

yeah I'm sure "the internet told me to do it" will hold up

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Make her one
Macaroni christmas tree on the front and covered in glitter.

She'll fucking love it.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:11, Reply)

She probably would
But glitter is the herpes of the craft world, that shit gets EVERYWHERE.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:12, Reply)

^this
When my little sister did projects for school she would cover it in glitter and as I was usually helping her I would be finding glitter in the strangest places for weeks after.
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Oh yes, it transfers easily, but never fully goes away
I remember in my late teens when girls started to wear glittery makeup when going to the Battle of the Bands in town. You could always tell which guys had pulled the next day.
(It was never me)
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

one of my friends was dressed as Medusa for Halloween so her face was all green
her bloke had red fake blood all round his mouth, but by the end of the night they both looked like Christmas had vomited on them.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Oh God! body glitter.
She was mad on that for a while too.

Pfft! I bet you make up for in now though : )
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:21, Reply)

*swaggers, shoots Fonzy finger pistols, winks*
No, not really.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

tru dat
you can't even shower that shit off, a bit like shame.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

^ this

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I went one better
no one gets a present. I'm unemployed so I have an excuse hehe
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

I went to Primark
And got my sister a nice harem jumpsuit and a lovely cut-out polka dot top for £3. She won't know this, so I look like a wonderful person, especially as everyone knows how skinted I am at the moment.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:13, Reply)

they've sold out of the pyjama onesies,
THIS IS DEVASTATING
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Devastating because this means that lots of people are wearing pj-onesies, right?
I was talking about these with my friend yesterday. I said "I mean, what a way to signal that you've completely given up on being alluring at all". Which is when she told me that her partner had asked for some for christmas :/
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I wanted the cow print one :(

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

You'd probably be able to pull it off
I assume.

He, on the other hand, is 32 and has spent the past five years acting about 60. He wears long-johns ffs.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Is it Monty?
Oh, thought you said 52.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:28, Reply)

*narrows eyes*

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:30, Reply)

You should put your glasses on old timer.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Are you the nice man from the Post Office?

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Yes, now just give me your chequebook.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Do they even still use them at the Post Office?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

He's a good friend
But I have no idea why she puts up with him being such a boring fucker. I would kill myself if my life were as boring as hers.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:33, Reply)

I have heated cow boots as well
Wiggy says they're the least sexy thing he's ever seen me in
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Some people can look good in anything.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:23, Reply)

I'm fed up.
I have horrible green slimy snot coming out of my nose and it won't stop. It just keeps coming and coming and I have a headache from blowing my nose all the time and a sore nose and I just want it to stop.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM? WHAT DOES IT WANT?
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:15, Reply)

COTTON-EYE JOE LOLZ.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

ha

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Earworm now!
Thanks for that.
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

My work here is done.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Pfft - Cotton HANKIED Joe!!!

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Eat something very spicy for lunch that'll clear your pretty little head out.
`
(PsychoChomp, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

*thinks something is wrong here*
No mouseover... hmm...
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:25, Reply)

He has been visited by three spirits...

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Use Henry to suck it all out?

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Marquis de Sade lolz

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

ewwwwwwwwwww
Roota that was minging.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:57, Reply)

So are you!!!!

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I am working in New Cross
*hangs self*
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Un-fucking-lucky Bal.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:26, Reply)

I actually like some of the pubs and places round New Cross.
It's the work aspect. We still haven't left my aunt's office though and I'm going to do my level best to stay here and play Football Manager all day.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:29, Reply)

New Cross is where those girls
bullied that Christian girl until she jumped out of window and died trying to escape, isn't it?

Luckily nothing unpleasant has ever happened in the East End.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Proved a point though
Did God's angels swoop down to save her? I DON'T THINK SO.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I find your lack of faith...amusing.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

that's because she belongs in Heaven
it was all part of God's plan, don't you see? He couldn't save her anyway, he was too busy planting dinosaur bones to test our faith.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:48, Reply)

"We'll see who believes in me now!"

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:51, Reply)

For some reason I read that in a Darth Vader voice.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Nah, God is Alanis Morrisette, innit?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:55, Reply)

God's a whiny Canadian?
That would explain a lot.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

God doesn't understand Irony

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120655/fullcredits#cast
It's a shit film though
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Dogma is NOT a shit film

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Well, it's not as good as teenaged stoners think it is.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I am neither teenaged nor a stoner
It's not genius work, but it's fun.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

I know you're not
That's not what I was saying.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I know you're not :p
You said it was shit, I'm disagreeing.
Daredevil is a shit film, Dogma is miles better than that pile of offal.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I just think that they try too hard
It's not my sort of thing.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Fair enough
I quite like Kevin Smith's films.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Horses for courses and all that
I had assumed that some people did, otherwise he'd stop making them.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

^ this. Neither teenaged nor a stoner
Though possibly stone-aged...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Probably because it gives it more gravitas than reading it in Darth Foxtrot's voice.

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Oh, thanks for the birthday card Monty.
I would have thanked you on the day but you weren't around.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:32, Reply)

I thought you were being sarky
until I remembered that I'd given it to you at your FRAUDULENT PARTY ABOUT SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:35, Reply)

I never claimed it to be anything but fraudulent, Monters old chap.
The invitation did state my almost but not quite 40th. Besides, if the Queen can have two birthdays a year, so can I.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:38, Reply)

You are a great big fucking queen, I suppose.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I set 'em up, etc...

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Unrelated, but
This made me officelol.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Hahahahahaha!

(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Haha, brilliant!

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Couldn't get my car out of my road this morning
while I was trying one of my mates snowboarded past.

No secondment for me this week!

Had to walk into work though, and have forgotten my glasses :-(
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I didn't know you wore glasses.
There are lots of things I don't know about you, so why this surprises me I do not know.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Only for using computers
and driving at night.

and committing crimes
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

I would kill myself if I had to wear glasses.
Not because there's anything wrong with them, just they make me look like a camp oriental librarian.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

I resisted for a long time
because they made me look like a German.
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Nothing wrong with that, old boy.
Have you got a pair of 'Himmlers' then?

I always thought John Lennon ruined round glasses for us Nazis.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:08, Reply)

no, just any glasses made me look German
not so much any more.

I agree about Lennon ruining round glasses. The tosser.
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Awful, awful man.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Thank goodness he's dead, eh?

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Too fucking right.
Mark Chapman should be fucking knighted.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Now if only some horrific fate would would befall Paul McCartney...
Oh hang on, he married Heather.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

A Perfect Circle have done a good cover of Imagine
really dirgy and depressing. Infinitely better than the original tripe.
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:17, Reply)

^This

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:20, Reply)

My octagenarian grandmother did a fart in th bath this morning
that was better than Lennon's version.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:31, Reply)

why were you listening to your grandmother in the bath?

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Aye, round glasses, that's another thing that Lennon gets undue credit for. That and inventing peace.

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I had some of those.
God did I look stupid.
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

*awaits reply from God*

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

No question mark.
But then again no comma.
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:14, Reply)

And no colon
by the time I've finished with you.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Hehe!

(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Me too.

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Well,
he-rro...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:09, Reply)

racistlols.

(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

this is excellent

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

*crick*

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:13, Reply)

I look better with my glasses than without
I'm so glad for my Penfold-level of myopia
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

they do look good on some people
my mrs always wears them.

I'm only slightly astigmatic though, so don't really need them much. It's more to stop me getting a headache when using a computer all day than anything else.

Put my laptop in a rucksack for the walk to work though, and forgot to take glasses out of the laptop bag and put them in the rucksack as well.
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Damn, another thing we share
I'm also astigmatic, and wear glasses every now and again to stop getting headaches.
(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:13, Reply)

we've also both been inside your mum

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:16, Reply)

That's superb.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I have to agree.

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

*takes a small bow*

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:40, Reply)

MIDGET ARCHERY SHOP IN 'SMASH AND GRAB' SHOCKER

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Hahaha!
You must look slightly like a camp oriental librarian to start with and glasses just finish the look off.
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

According to my mates I look like about a thousand different things, I have the most nicknames in the world.
Apparently at the moment I look like a gaunt malnourished Spanish fisherman who's taking a walking holiday.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Hahahaha!
Albeit a bit specific.
(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I like it because it's better than Carlos Tevez (although now my hair's short I don't get that anymore) or an extra out of The Warriors.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:22, Reply)

So basically you look forrin.

(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:24, Reply)

My fucking flatmate broke my awesome cats-eye glasses.
I'm still angry about that. He's not even offered to fix them or anything.
(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Hack his cock off with a saw.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Hmm. Highly considering it.
They were lovely and vintage, too.
(

Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I think you should

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Well, today will be crap
But the rest of the week will be ace because you won't have that secondment and you'll be with the missus.
Also, glasses, awwwww.
(

Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:34, Reply)

I wonder what Tim Westwood's doing for Christmas this year.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Why? are you short on numbers for your party?

(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

I was hoping he'd give the sermon at St Swithun's church, Winchester.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:20, Reply)

And the Lord said bring forth the block rocking beats.

(

girlinthehole, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I would imagine he's decking the halls with boughs of holly and biggin' up his bad self, fa-la-la-la-lah, la la la la.
You should have a sons of vicars get together with him and Lemmy.
(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:24, Reply)

How do you know we don't do that already?

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Miles Jupp told me.

(Cave Duck, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I'm suspecting you are a crazy-magnet
that is awesome
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 11:13, Reply)

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