Massive drugs! Not massive at all any more drugs! What I was told last night:
A pal of mine is a somewhat unemployable chap so he was trying to put his horticulture qualifications to good use by growing pot. I don’t endorse this, especially as it was funded by proper East End gangsters – all in all a very foolish enterprise. What made it worse is that the other non-gangster in the scheme went to see a fucking psychic last Friday and came away convinced they were going to be busted, and took it upon himself to cut all their plants up into little pieces and flush them down the lavatory without first mentioning his intentions to my chum. 600 plants, value: many, many thousands of pounds, all gone.

So due a mixture of cretinous medieval superstition, unjustified paranoia and a bit of a mental breakdown on the part of this idiot, wholly innocent friend had to go for a bollocking at 9am yesterday during which idiot boy had a pistol wrapped round his head and my pal though they were going be shot.

a) don’t do it, kidz, it ain’t worf it, and
b) all sounds more than a little ‘Guy Ritchie’ doesn’t it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:51, 90 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I can't believe you know someone who goes to psychics
Also how long does it take to cut up and flush 600 plants?
(PsychoChomp, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:54, Reply)

it must have been quite a while

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Or they had an enormous bog.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

He's not my friend.
He's retarded. It took him the best part of the weekend.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:57, Reply)

that makes it so much worse

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

So, a 'wasted' weekend then but not in a good way?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1016425
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Is cutty up grass boy
a bit simple?

Or really brave?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

He's lost his mind, apparently.
He thinks he's being bugged and all that - when three Irish labourers came into the pub they were in he broke out in a cold sweat and started going 'see - look, they're onto us' etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Paranoia lols.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

My mate's like that.
On the way back from watching Fulham in Turin (and no sleep for four days) he genuinely believed the bloke behind him in the queue at passport control was an undercover copper out to get him (he was on a football ban at the time see), who then followed him on the flight to Edinburgh, the bus from Edinburgh Airport to the city centre, Edinburgh to Newcastle on the train and that he was following us as we walked round Newcastle.

There was no one there. At any point at all.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

It does sound very 'Guy Ritchie'
Was there much Mockney Wideboy posturing? Someone threatened with a sex toy? Someone called a "Fackin' Cant!"?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

you facking prat!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Indeed, and your friend sounds a little "Shane Ritchie"

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

He's more 'Lionel Ritchie'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Jesus, Monty!
Just because he's a criminal doesn't mean he has to be black!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

This made me lol a little bit too much.
I think I might be a secret racist :(
( wanderlust, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Lusty!!
You're too lovely to be racist.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

But, with Monty's help, you'll be able to develop those nascent feelings.

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

hey, you puny weakling with vague right-wing tendencies. yes you!
in just seven days i can make you a proper racist. don't delay, send off for your FREE[1] racist action pack today

[1] not free
( spacefish bong!, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Morning!
*waves*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Alright!
Twas pleasure meeting you on Monday, even though it took a bloody mary and an obscene amount of coffee to make me feel normal yesterday.

I have to go back to work now. Sad times
( wanderlust, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

hehehe!
We managed to stomach some fried breakfast then stopped for many pasties on route back up. That and obscene amounts of pop
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Alright Lusty?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

And now he's not going to be Richie Rich.

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

*Hello, is it me you're looking for?*
*No really, you are aren't you? I can tell. OH GOD DON'T HURT ME!*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Hahaha.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

what a moron!
everyone knows the police don't show up in psychic visions.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

You live in a lovely city, Monty.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:57, Reply)

This is why you live south of the river.
It's only the old men that get stabbed.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Hows the snow "up your end?"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Fucking shit, thanks.
The missus has just come back with the car and is close to breaking point. She had to dig herself out of the estate this morning, traverse hideously slippy roads, and has now had to dig herself back in to park because some cunt with a Chelsea tractor who doesn't even fucking live here has decided to park like a total arse and straddle the last two remaining parking spaces.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Nice
Bizarrely it seems a lot better where we are even though its only about 10 miles away. Just had an EPIC drive to London and back which was fucking knackering. Some cunt nicked my parking space outside my house too when I got back.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I'm getting a bit pissed off with the conditions around here.
The not getting to work bit is fine, as I can work from home (and not spend hours travelling to boot), but I'm supposed to be driving to Berwick on Friday to pick my Dad up and deliver Christmas presents. I'm not holding out much hope of getting there at the moment.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Has he borrowed Monty's trumpet?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Hahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:22, Reply)

At any point, did anybody get offered a dag?

( Kroney, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Does Danny Dyer come into this story anywhere?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

He is a wanker after all

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

well that was my logic
Plus, I assume that everyone in That London knows Danny Dyer.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

I think if anyone who was actually from London met him, they'd give him a kicking.
Bet the cunt speaks BBC english behind closed doors.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Yeah, when he's not cutting women's faces

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

I wonder if he's ever considered getting a 'chelsea grin'...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:11, Reply)

He fucking will if I ever see him
The misogynistic bastard.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:18, Reply)

You're avin' a giraffe.
The man is brilliant. Purely for comedy reasons, mind.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

What a dicksplash.
He should have given the plants to cancer patients, or even the fucking homeless.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Or to my mate.
Or to the gangsters.

He has to pay them five grand by Friday "or else". He can't even pay his rent, the turd.

Amusingly if they did get 'busted' the boy would be in a lot less trouble than he's in right now. They'd probably just get a fine.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

5 grand by Friday?
That is quite a significant amount of money to find by Christmas eve.

Have they got a plan?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Skin up a fat one and hope the problem goes away?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Yeah they bet everything they have on this dog down Walthamstow
but it loses, and as they're leaving, shitting themselves and tearing up the ticket, a benevolent millionaire (who used to be a bit of a tearaway himself) goes past, catches wind of their plight, and gives them the moneys, with some to spare for drugs and dancing girls.

It was a boss film.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

They could borrow the money from Barry Grant.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Preferably BEFORE Tommy McArdle gets them.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:11, Reply)

To be fair now in the perfect time of year for this to happen. All soaps need a big Christmas storyline.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

In Eastenders, someone swaps a dead baby for a live one.
Hilarity ensues.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

That sounds like a slightly more extreme rip-off of the Channel 4 documentary
Wife Swap.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Lovably dumb criminal in "find the cash by Christmas eve or else" caper?
Are you sure you haven't hallucinated yourself into a shit Christmas movie, Monty?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Stranger things have happened
Last night, he and I agreed on music.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:10, Reply)

That was rather my point.
It's actually real. I've met one of the wrong'uns myself. Entertaining but fucking scary.

*shakes head wearily*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:15, Reply)

I'm sure it'll involve hilarious capers that wind up with them bumbling into the money
Then having it stolen by some teenagers in a stolen Audi. They're then caught as they despair and taken to a disused warehouse, where the plead for their kneecaps. Just then a dog runs in and in the resulting comical scuffle the Big Boss Man shoots himself in the nadgers, falls off one of those warehouse walkways and crashes into a skip full of miscast rubber cocks and dies.

They then follow the dog and find that a crashed Audi containing the dead teenage scrotes along with their stolen money (which isn't really theirs as they stole it anyway) and they all live happily ever after.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:11, Reply)

My friend's plan is very simple:
wash his hands of his imbecile friend.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Chance of that working?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Fairly high.
One of the gangsters likes him a lot. He is also the one with the skills so if they want to do another job they need him.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Ah, so he's at least helpful to have round?
Thank fuck for him, eh?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Quite so,
All because he couldn't be fucked to get a job like a normal person...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Chances of your mate getting into even worse shit than he's in now?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Hold on...
600 plants with an average 'dro yield of 3ozs = 1,800 ounces.
Medium quality weed is approx 140 quid per oz. (Is that about right considering the London weighting?)
That is .25 million street value.
These 'gangsters' must be a bit miffed.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Correct.
They weren't that far into the job, so that value would have been the projected rather than actual sum, though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I am sure 'Harry the Bastard' was making his...
...investment on the projected yield returning a considerable sum, rather than any love of horticulture.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:19, Reply)

I fear so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Why don't you give them Workboresme gaz details
She's very genereous
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:31, Reply)

Or else he's goign to be dancing with the devil
or counting the fingers


*heavy breathing*




HE HASN'T GOT?
( Kroney, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

As worrying as this sounds Monty and I'm sure your friend was shitting himself at the thought of being shot,
You need to remember that these East End gangsters love their muvvers and they are the salt of the earth.

They'd do anyfink for anyone.

Gertcha.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

I'm sure if it came to the crunch
all my chum needed to do was play a solo on the spoons and kick-start a knees-up and all would have been well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

They could sort it out with a proper knees up round the old joanna.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Lumley?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine recently
except instead of growing pot for gangsters, he set up a small printing business in his spare room and declared his intentions to trade to HMRC.

See, you don't have to live in London, sorry LAHANDAN, to meet interesting people.

*crunches carrot*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Were any statutory forms waved in show of mild irritation at all?
Or did he do most of it online in a satisfactorily stress free manner?
(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Nope, all forms were completed within an acceptable time scale
FIGHT THE POWER
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:25, Reply)

It's wierd when middle class people and the baser elements of life mix
I went to private school with a proto-Knight of the Knight crime family. He kicked me in the cock one time, the ruffian. Apparently he's now following in the family business of making a living outside the law and then fleeing the country as the net tightens. Wierdly enough his sister is one of the nicest people I've met...
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Lad I went to school with was caught pulling a knife on a bouncer, by a policeman
I've been informed that in the half second he was distracted by the appearance of a policeman, the bouncer decided to rearrange his face, and pretty much put his fist through it, taking the little shit off his feet, landing on the back of his head.

He woke up in hospital with a broken nose, a fractured jaw, several missing teeth, and one hell of a headache. Add to that, he's now got a police caution to his name, and it wasn't the brightest idea ever. He always was a fucking cunt though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I thought this part of QOTW was where you all stopped bullshitting?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:50, Reply)

It's 100% true
The reason I posted it is because it sounds fucking ridiculous.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Of course.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:21, Reply)

Can you tell me
why it is that I would make this story up? It was for the entertainment of my chums on /OT, I'm not some 'QOTW liar'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:25, Reply)

I have no idea why anyone over the age of about 15 makes up this kind of horseshit thinking it'll impress.
And frankly, if it's a lie and it's on QOTW...
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:40, Reply)

It isn't a lie and I haven't posted it as a reply to a QOTW.
I'm slightly miffed that I am being lumped in with the autists and liars. I'm simply not either.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 14:24, Reply)

this definitely happened.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:55, Reply)

Okay, so here's what actually happened.
Your 'pal' got stoned off his tits and imagined all of this.
And by 'pal' I mean you, and 'imagined' I mean made up.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Whoa hang on, where did that reply filled with anger towards baldmonkey go?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:44, Reply)