Seeing as Al's too fat to actually pose a question...
Tomorrow is MONTSTOCK 2011. There's been a lot of media speculation about who'll be there, whether Ricky Gervais is going to put noses out of joint with his shocking banter, will Cher turn up in a minge-flashing horror of a dress, is this the year that the McFly boys finally make into the big league etc etc...

There will be tears of joy, howls of disappointment, flying right hooks, diarrhoea - you name it. I ask you to make a prediction - who will be the heroes and villains of this star-studded event of the social year?

('Lampers lamps someone' jokes are banned this year)

WARNING: contains scenes of mild peril and dry meat
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:16, 115 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I shall be enjoying a nice game of rugby, followed by the pub

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Well that certainly answers my question.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I reject your question and substitute my own

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:34, Reply)

'What would I be doing this weekend if I was a practising homosexual?'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:43, Reply)

It's been 14 years, and still not a day goes by that I don't miss your dad.

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Everyone else in the place will think we're twats
They will be correct
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:23, Reply)

They'll think we are infidels
whose craven booze-fuelled antics are an insult to Allah and his prophet Mahmoud (blessings be upon him), and punishable by justified HOLY WAR.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Jihad will be undertaken using the holy weapons of urine in the curry
and the blessed act of overcharging for coke.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:30, Reply)

And the unmentionable additions to the yoghurt sauce
I wonder if the waiters are going to try to groom Lampers and her chum Charmander for an Asian Sex Gang - I read about them in the paper, apparently they're all doing it these days, the Asians.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Not according to Keith Vaz
apparently no young men in the pakistani community try to have sex with white women.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:39, Reply)

He's a right twat that one.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:40, Reply)

They all are.
And they smell funny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I mainly don't like Vaz because he tries to ban violent video games
And makes all sorts of outrageous claims about them (they train killers, they're rape simulators etc) but is then forced to admit he's never played them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Rape simulator IV: Arse Wars
is my favourite game EVA
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:49, Reply)

What a plonker.

( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Sex, drugs, rock and roll and meat.
AND I WON'T BE THERE : (
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:24, Reply)

I am fucking livid about this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:28, Reply)

You should be.
What I lack in the meat eating department I certainly make up for in the others.
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Plus he's going to be the oldest person there now.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:31, Reply)

That's true.
I am useful for making everyone else feel young.
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Were I there, I'm certain I'd be the hero, keeping you all entertained with my witty stories about fighter jets, my time with the army and going to the Arctic circle
Also, the time I fixed some guys finger, and he screamed like a girl.

However, I can't be there, but I'm sure you'll get over it.

EDIT: Shit. Sorry, I'm on the wrong login.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:37, Reply)

I wish you were coming.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Mouseover doesn't work in the subject line.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:44, Reply)

No I really do,
I was going to strikethrough him in real life, by just shouting "Bum", "your mum" or "penis". Halfway through everything he says.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:46, Reply)

And I was going to pull out a MASSIVE poster of tranny AA
And completely obscure the restaurant with it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Or project it onto the outside a la Gail Porter.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:52, Reply)

At least we'd have the place to ourselves.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:52, Reply)

House prices would plummet in the area.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:54, Reply)

In her prime
I would have fucked the alopecia right out of her.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:54, Reply)

It's be like shagging Duncan Goodhew.
In a bad way.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Hence I said "in her prime"
And incidentally, Duncan Goodhew is the name of one of my testicles.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:03, Reply)

What's the other one called? Kojak?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Tumerous Terry

(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:05, Reply)

'Lumpito'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Ha
I'd find that funny if I didn't have testicular cancer.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:12, Reply)

That's your penis, Lab. Not a tumour.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Richard O'Brien

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:06, Reply)

completely obscure the restaurant with it wank furiosly over it until my hands are sticky with blood and semen
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:52, Reply)

When my colleagues saw that photo for the first time, they printed it onto an A3 sheet of paper, and stuck it up round the building.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:20, Reply)

And you were all "Oh, you guys!"
But secretly loved it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

It made me laugh
The best point was our artwork guy, he was really freaked out by it, and didn't talk to me for a couple of weeks, certainly amused me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

That was just because he hates your fucking guts.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Either that, or he fancies me.
Either way, I don't really give a shit.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

ACTUAL PREDICTIONS
Al will eat too quickly and either choke or get indigestion.
Someone, probably a GIRL, will complain that something's too spicy.
TGB will spill her drink and the bitch about it all night long.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:39, Reply)

You can't eat Tayyabs too quickly
The trick is to consume it all before your body realises what's going on.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:06, Reply)

...and then break out in a chronic ghee-sweat
and have a mild panic attack.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:09, Reply)

I'm very careful with alcohol

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I'm not really sure who is going but if Clenders is there then there will be copious amounts of nork fondling.

( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I'm totally meeting her at the station before we walk down

(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I didn't know this was happening!
Now I'm busy doing other things, shitter things.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:45, Reply)

hopefully it will be less dull than hearing it about non-stop for the past fucking week

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Sounds like you might have a worse hangover than me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Oooh you need to go to
www.b1tta.com/questions/waaahhh
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:47, Reply)

NOM NOM NOM

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:48, Reply)

please don't cause any damage to the structural integrity of the premises
as i don't want to have to deal with the claim on monday morning, i'm busy enough at the moment, mmm-kay?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:47, Reply)

In that case we'd better ban Al from sitting down, just in case.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I'm having a vision
Al in Tayyabs
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:53, Reply)

I hate you

(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:07, Reply)

h


Explains A LOT.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Has monty informed them his booking is for people from the internet?
As I imagine they would have the floors reinforced in preparation
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:52, Reply)

They have installed 'gaming consoles' at our tables
in case we can't make it through an entire course without playing WoW. There's also a LARPing chamber in the basement where all the cutlery is made from embarrassing plastic fantasy swords.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Awesome!
I'll bring my 6'6" naginata then.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Don't tell me, that's your nickname for your penis
(which in reality like a baby dormouse sleeping in its little hairy nest)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:07, Reply)

No, I have no nickname for that
Don't be silly.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Al gets stabbed up by the local rude boys over some perceived slight
Several fat b3tans assist staff to hold the door shut on him. Hilarity ensues.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:58, Reply)

They'd better.
I'm paying them £50 each to cut him up. It'll be like watching Inuits butchering a whale. If whales had shit beards.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:00, Reply)

They'll stab me with their steely baldes
but they just can't kill the beast (because my fat layer is like a natural stab vest)
(Bazongaloid, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:08, Reply)

"baldes"?
I know you're receding, but that's nothing to be proud of.
Also, the lyric is "knives".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I think it's middle English.
'They wylle stabbe me with theyr steelie baldes, the fuckyng toordes'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Poor Al, he never stood a chance with you lot

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Someone, probably me
will drink too much and make a tit of themselves. This isn't so much a prediction as pure immutable fact.
(berk, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:08, Reply)

I look forward to this

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Haven't you already seen me get drunk and make a tit of myself?
For some reason I have little difficulty in acquiring this state.
(berk, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Not that I recall
Both times I've met you you haven't come across as drunk, and I haven't seen you make a tit of yourself. Yet.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Is it because you are 3'2"
and therefore to you a pint is like a gallon to a normal person?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:15, Reply)

"It comes in pints?"
Well, yes, it's been a while...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

This may be part of the reason, yes

(berk, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:17, Reply)

WATCH OUT FOR THE ASIAN SEX GANGS!
They prey on drunk white girls.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I think she's too old for them
No offense, berk, but they reportedly go after 12-17 year olds.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:11, Reply)

She's quite diminutive though.
Just their cup of groomy rape-tea.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Lab will be mean to me all night
And probably comment again that he thinks Clendrix has stupid hair
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Then you'll wake up and and think
"Oh, that was just a dream", then go to Tayyabs where Lab will be (mostly) lovely to you and say nothing disparaging to Clenders.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:20, Reply)

+ because if he does, she will hurt him...
(berk, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

This is true
I'm not suicidal.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

If I wake up then have to go straight to Tayyabs
then you're going to be all alone at the tube station for a few hours.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

You two are my outside bet for
drunken liason.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Save your money, Chompers.
Neither of them fancy you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I meant with each other.
I'm going with the express desire to have as little physical contact as possible at the meal.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:29, Reply)

....that comes LATER....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:31, Reply)

I had bet on you and Lampers
But I've brought every woman going some of those strips to test if your drink has been spiked.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I bet if Monty licks one it'll say "spiked"

(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

That is a sensible bet.
I'm thinking of investing heavily in some of the most massyve drugges known to mankind.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:34, Reply)

For anyone who hasn't seen Monty he looks like this
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Drugs you swallow are for poofters.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

sorry Monty
not being a massive druggie I have no idea how to be as hardcore as you are. I don't even take paracetamol
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Just do what I do.
Follow my lead and you'll be cool and tough in no time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Corpses do get cold and rigid, yes

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 11:56, Reply)

I predict there will be tedious threads for days afterwards
recounting all the lolwaki behaviour over and over. I also predict Vipros will eventually make a shirty post about it. In the meantime, I will be lurking on /talk.

This is pretty much what happens every time there's a bash, I see no reason why this one will be different.
( Kroney, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Aren't you a ray of sunshine

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:48, Reply)

r g
of sunshine
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

This is also true
I want curry for lunch now after all this chat
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

I had one last night that has ruined my innards.
Gun-jumping twat that I am.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)