Mortal Wombat is an idiot
So to placate you question loving squid fuckers:

Tell me about your awesome pets, my parents cat is now 20 and is completely bald apart from his head, tail and legs. I should also mention that he is a long hair...

ALT Q: Nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:24, 122 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

smack it with a shovel
and get a kitten
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:25, Reply)

see, this, right
but then you're all "oh but they're being cruel to ducks and that"

Consistency, miss Swipe. That's all we ask for. Consistency.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:28, Reply)

what part of "I'M A WOMAN"
do you not get?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:33, Reply)

there are so many answers to this
I don't think I can choose.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:35, Reply)

go on, pick one

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

that wouldn't be fair on all the others.
I'm all about the lack of discrimination. Apart from against idiots. They don't deserve to not be discriminated against.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:39, Reply)

oh i thought you would go down the
"you're not a real woman" insult route.

you have gone for the "didn't really have a response route". that's fine too, dear.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:40, Reply)

I was torn between the old skool faux-sexism,
something pointlessly suggestive and maintaing Monty's assertion that I'm secretly gay, to be honest. None of them were likely to be that funny.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:44, Reply)

pointlessly suggestive would have amused me
go for it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:48, Reply)

The 'downstairs' bit, I'll wager.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

good point
*remembers previous hamfisted efforts*

*crosses legs*
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:40, Reply)

Mighty Badger's mauled your bits in a hamfisted way?
a) when was this?
b) the bounder!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

it was like being fingered by a stegosaurus, monty
or a diplodocus.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

right, so it was after I lost all of my fingers in the freak sailing accident
glad we'd clarified the timescales.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Not as bad as
The Iguanodon
"Iguanodon's most distinctive features were its large thumb spikes, which were possibly used for defence against predators and foraging for food."
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Oooh, that would give you a good thumbing.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:47, Reply)

now you're implying you are gay

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:53, Reply)

comparing me to your past dalliances
is a little harsh.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

you're all the same badger
ALL THE SAME
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Excellent use of 'hamfisted'.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:43, Reply)

hamfisting eh?
sounds messy.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:43, Reply)

Was it like how Pooh trys to get honey on a shelf that's just out of reach?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:18, Reply)

it was a lot less cute
but otherwise not a bad analogy, not bad at all
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:23, Reply)

it's funny because you're implying I'm gay.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Cats are shit.
Kittens are rubbish.

Dogs are far superior.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

They are superior at 'drooling and being fucking thick'
No wonder you like them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

bloody hell this was harsh
sorry AA, i like it a LOT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

You get used to it after a while

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

I agree he needs putting down, but generally seems quite happy
He still has teh energy to go up two flights of stairs just so he can piss in my dad's slippers!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

That cat sounds rubbish.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:26, Reply)

it's just a reflection of his life generally

(Mortal Wombat - he's just an excitable boy, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Pets are useless.
You just spend all your time cleaning up their shit and all your money on vet bills.
Yes, yes, before you start, babies are useless too but their health care is free and one day they'll wipe up my shit.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:27, Reply)

You are also married to a cat

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:28, Reply)

you've changed.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:28, Reply)

Nope. I have always maintained that cats are owned by emotionally-stunted people.
I like dogs but I'm not allowed one
*dog-related sadface*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:30, Reply)

I meant about babies.
I know you think cats are the last refuge of the emotionally crippled.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:34, Reply)

Dogs are owned by shallow, emotionally-simple people.
The kind of spanner who enjoys the fact that a slavering mong is pleased to see them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:37, Reply)

so.... anyone who would go out with [insert username of choice here] then?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:39, Reply)

This, dogs demand too much attention, and anyone who says otherwise
has never tried to train one. They are needy simple fuck wits who can be trained to do menial tasks. I would rather have a live in immigrant than a dog.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:39, Reply)

i've got one of those, she's great.

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

I bet she doesn't sniff your crotch either,
actually you rich London types are into some kinky shit.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:43, Reply)

Jesus they're not THAT bad.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:43, Reply)

Immigrants or dogs old boy?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:44, Reply)

Immigrants are worse than dogs.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:55, Reply)

I dunno man... I just don't know.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:02, Reply)

When was the last time the Britain was flooded with unwanted
Polish dogs?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:05, Reply)

Well if you put it like that I concede.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:06, Reply)

You've just got to treat 'em right Bob.
Throw them the odd bone and you'll have a great dog-owning relationship.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:45, Reply)

I do like dogs but I don't have the patience to own one.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Like Alan's 'friend'.

(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

Good day to you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:43, Reply)

Tips hat

(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:47, Reply)

Are you calling Lusty a spanner?
After all, she's always pleased to see you.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:44, Reply)

Look, you can have a dog OR a husband.
Even if you were to get a chihuahua I'd lay good odds on it eating him within a fortnight.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:39, Reply)

That's why I'm not allowed a hamster either.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

You are Richard Gere AICMFP.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:44, Reply)

To see which is better, lock you dog and wife in the boot of a car for several hours.
When you return, which one is happier to see you?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Whereas one day my cat will kill me on the stairs
and then eat my corpse.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:29, Reply)

I had a rescued staffy for a while.
She'd been beaten with broom handles on and off for about 8 years before I got her. She disliked any men apart from me. She nearly had an off-duty copper's leg off because he came at her holding an umbrella even though I warned him she was scared of things that looked like sticks. She once went for a mate of mine just because he waved a knife at my girlfriend whilst chopping some fruit. I had to have her put to sleep when her liver and kidneys failed and as a parting gift as she died she shat all over the vet.

Top dogging, I say.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:33, Reply)

I have to confess, that wasn't a broom handle.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:35, Reply)

You'd have had to have been a Glaswegian Schemie to be responsible
I can't see you sinking that low, old chap.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:36, Reply)

If it's the staffy I'm thinking of, I can confirm it wasn't a broom handle.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:37, Reply)

see above.
also, she'd have ripped it off and swallowed it whole, mate.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

My wifes cousin had a lovely staffie called Mr. Bongo
He starred on Scrapheap challenge a couple of times with the Boat Boys. he would get excited and snort like a pig!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:36, Reply)

One of the best record shops ever was Mr Bongo on Poland Street.
Yes, it is an interesting fact, isn't it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:46, Reply)

No.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:49, Reply)

My cat is alright, getting old now so a bit shit.
Alt Q: I assume they don't just swap places so depending on your choice you would end up with two sets of said chosen item in two different locations? If that is the case I would have eyes for nipples.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:34, Reply)

I've never had a pet.
Someone called me 'pet' once though. I think I may have been on the wrong side of The Trent.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

I hope you slapped them

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:47, Reply)

Well, I patronised them.
Does that count?
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:53, Reply)

good enough
here is a sticker, you can tell your mummy it's for being a very clever little boy/girl (not sure)
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:58, Reply)

Boy. Man, technically.

(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:07, Reply)

*takes back smiley face sticker - gives digger sticker instead*

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:10, Reply)

They probably mistook you for a dachshund, I'd imagine.
It's those short thighs.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:54, Reply)

Quietly accepts fate.

(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:58, Reply)

I'm going to get a couple of rabbits, call one Woundwort, and call one Fiver.
I'm a bit cruel, tempting fate you see.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:36, Reply)

Why don't you call one Rampant?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:37, Reply)

Too obvious

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

ARGH ARGH FLASHBACKS ARGH.
Sadly I don't think it ever made it to the internet, But Spak produced an incredibly disturbing fake fiver where the Queen had tits for eyes.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:37, Reply)

Erm, I don't want pierced eyes

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:38, Reply)

Wimp!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:39, Reply)

I'll settle for my piercing eyes
And I'll be happy again when I find them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

I'd steer clear of Clenders for a while then, she heard about that thing you said.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

you are butters
aicmfp
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Not on topic
but can anyone recommend places to buy a work computer from, I've checked Novatech and Dell but I don't trust Mesh anymore.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:41, Reply)

I use ebuyer, or servers direct

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:42, Reply)

ebuyer, or servers direct

transexual prostitutes or donkeys direct
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:44, Reply)

Congratulations, you got it right second time round.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:48, Reply)

piss

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Thought I didn't notice?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:05, Reply)

What do you need them for?
Ie, can they be low spec, or do they need a bit of poke to 'em?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:43, Reply)

Needs a bit of poke
I'm looking at something like a Pentium E5800, or maybe up to an i5 if the price is right.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:45, Reply)

Check Overclockers out
Always had good service from them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:48, Reply)

I find them a bit pricy
but if work are paying...
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Yeah, but work is employing me to find the best value for money.
Hence looking for a good deal.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:51, Reply)

Does that mean we get commision for helping?
I've heard of a little place called rumbalows, they have all the latest gear.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:52, Reply)

I'd go ebuyer then.
Just getting the one?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Yeah, well at the moment, if they are a fantastic deal we may get 2.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:55, Reply)

See below for something more powerful than you'll need for now.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Best come-on EVER.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:35, Reply)

That looks a bit like I'll have to put it together myself
I just want a ready made machine with everything installed on it.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:51, Reply)

They do pre-built systems
I bought my last two from there.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:56, Reply)

Most important: How much?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Between £450 and £650
Needs to include Windows 7 Pro and Office 2010.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:50, Reply)

The software will be a problem
most will come with home premium, none will come with office 2010 installed.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:57, Reply)

This is the sort of thing you can get
www.ebuyer.com/product/225761
then get enterprise/small buisness versions of office and windows 7 pro.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:58, Reply)

That's way over my budget though
Office adds about £190 and Windows Pro adds over a hundred quid.

I've found three systems from Novatech, Dell and Mesh all including Windows Pro and Office for under £700.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:08, Reply)

But do they come with waterproof trousers?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:10, Reply)

Build one then, far cheaper.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:13, Reply)

can't you just ring your daddy and get him to buy one?
a pink one?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:21, Reply)

Gary Glitter's got a laptop going.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:55, Reply)

my parents shave one of their long haired cats, Missy, she's a completely different being when she's shaved
she's old as fuck and lays about most of the time but when she's shaved she's like a kitten running all over the place
they've another cat named Maxine and she sleeps on my moms pillow, in her hair, she smells like my moms shampoo in the morning
she loves smelling your hair, if you have a shower and give her a sniff she'll sniff for as long as you allow her
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:46, Reply)

o_O
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Insert obvious reply.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Innit.
It's not even worth the bother.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:58, Reply)

Maxine sounds like Hannibal fucking Lecter...
You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today...
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Anyway, cats? Dogs?
Nothing more than vessels for my lust or meat for my table!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:56, Reply)

So you are going to fuck then eat cats and dogs?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:00, Reply)

Well, they do it in Korea!
Actually in all seriousness you've got to be careful with dog sex (attention Jeff). Their willies have 'knots' at the base - once in, it won't come out until your canine love-buddy wants it to.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:05, Reply)

I loved my cat but I prefer my flat since he moved out,
the stinky bastard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:00, Reply)

Haha, first MW's family abandons him, then his friends, then his online friends, then /talk, and now us lot.
Gutted.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:20, Reply)

Was this due to the Kiddie porn incident?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:22, Reply)