Trouble brewing; advice needed
ok, serious time.

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and have a 1 year old daughter. Things between us have cooled, a lot, of late. I work two jobs, away from home 9 days out of ten, she stays in , spends more money than there is, rides horses and sits on facebook.

You can tell this is is unlikely to end well, right?

So, before and following our daughter's birth I was an hour away 4 days a week studying full time for an MBA. Came home, couldn't get a job, sat around catching up on sleep being, in all fairness, a bit of a a drag. Unemployed fatherhood is not a psychologically nourishing place to be.

So gradually the lights dim in our relationship, no sex, no intimacy, no conversation and very nearly no love, respect, trust or understanding. In many ways, normal married life under the stresses of parenthood and work (except we're not married and I doubt either of us ever planned on spending our lives this miserable).

So, to the nub. She broke her phone the other day, I think the 6th since we have been together (don't get me started on DSLRs). As is her wont, she went out and bought a new one immediately. She has now gone away on a (well deserved) girls night out on the piss and will be back this afternoon.

Last night, after putting the baby to bed, housework, bit of B3ta etc. I think to track down a screen fixing website to get the phone fixed prior to a. keeping as spare or b. selling on ebay.

So I plug it in, and, yes of course, find the incriminating sms thread staring up at me from the home screen.

Nothing TOO damning. No nude pictures, no suggestion of infidelity, no paper trail of cheap hotel rooms. But unless 'I don't love him/still love you, love will find a way for us to be together' means something different in text speak that I am not aware of, it's pretty clear.


So. first, I need to sit down, with my adorable daughter giggling and playing at my sullen feet, work out whether this is a god given excuse to get the fuck out of dodge, give it another go, relax etc. I am having a nice hot cup of tea and letting these thoughts take their time.

Second, and what I could really do with some help on, is what I do before she gets home. Of course, I could go through her credit card bills, look for her phone bills, try to hack her emails, set up some kind of key logger etc. You know, hairy chested caveman stuff.

But of course, what I really need to do is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING STUPID. Nothing illegal, nothing which might be inadmissable in court (should we ever get there), nothing that I can't look my daughter in the eye i 5 or ten years time when she's old enough to ask, but not old enough to understand, and tell her about.

I'm not prepared to get stitched up in court in, say, 3 years time and lose my house or half my life's earnings because I did something illegal or even dubious today. I've never even looked in her handbag, because, well, gentlemen don't do that. And if it means that some aggressive family lawyer (that no doubt I would be paying for) won't be able to hold me up as some sort of controlling ogre in the dim future, I am happy to keep my nose out.

So what, legally, rationally, sanely and soon should I do?

Any sensible, creative or funny replies very much appreciated.

Speaking of funny, sorry for lack of...
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 9:33, 33 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I thie questiion everyone is thinking is...
'What sort of phone is it, any how much do you want for it?'

I execpt you'll get proper answers soon
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:13, Reply)

that reads very much like you've either not been to bed
or have already started drinking..
(berk, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:23, Reply)

It's a little from column A and a little from column B

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:25, Reply)

that's a very shit situation to be in
however it sounds clear that there was an obvious problem before you found the texts. You're right, you shouldn't go looking for trouble. When she gets home, sit her down gently and talk about your problems. Don't tell her about the phone, just say you're aware things haven't been right of late and ask her what she wants to do about it. Make it very clear that no natter what happens, you still want to be a good father to your daughter, and that you still love them both (assuming you still care for your girlfriend)
I dunno, does that sound about right? Stay calm and don't get shouty, it won't help.
(berk, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:20, Reply)

^ This
If you want to leave her, leave her. There's no sense in fucking over the chance for a future relationship with your daughter though. It's hard, but try and stay as calm as possible.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:25, Reply)

But take some advice from people more qualified than this website.
A friend of mine was in an relationship with someone, and they had a kid together, that was sufficient for her to be able to claim half-the-house.

With her share of the equity from a house she'd never paid a penny towards, she went and got a big telly and then went on holiday as having the cash in her account meant she'd not get any benefits.

As far as I know, she is still single, but has added to her clan with two further kids, both by different fathers.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I found a text like that and I wish I'd used it to start a sensible conversation instead of going ballistic.
If you're confident she'd believe you weren't snooping, then say you found it while fixing the phone.
If not, you could set about fixing the phone while she's there and act like you just found it, but don't kick off, just show it to her and say "well there's obviously something wrong here."
If you're not confident she won't kick off, then do what berk said - pretend you've not seen the text and hope that you starting a dialogue makes her act with honesty. You do run the risk of her pretending everything's ok though, and the frustration you feel will be like acid in your belly.

Also, she might have been stringing this fucker along, is not remotely in love with him, and was just using it as escapism. In which case - what if she wants to fix things? Are you already gone?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Oh, and if you don't want your daughter living in a crappy flat with her
you might have to concede to her legging it with some of your money/property.
Not fair I know, but what price freedom from a shitty relationship, and a good home for the little'un?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:37, Reply)

When there are kids involved and potentially lawyers
it's generally less acceptable to trash that persons things - I stomped on a millenium falcon, it made me feel a touch better.

serious, but not particularly helpful reply in gaz form
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Was he 13 at the time?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 11:47, Reply)

no :(
but he had a shit tonne of stupid toys and things.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Dump the slut.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 6 Mar 2011, 13:56, Reply)

My take on this
is always reverse the situation, i.e. think to yourself "what would be going through my head if I sent a third party a text saying that I was no longer in love with my partner but was in love with them and I would be with them ?"

There is as you say no clear "excuse" or explanation to be found for that. Also, sad to say, once the intimacy / sex in a relationship is gone - it rarely returns.

You're not married - so the "half my house" etc situation is less of an issue here. Sure you will be paying maintenance for your daughter, but unlikely she is going to get much of a settlement.

You have two clear choices; not acting on the information you now have is not one of them.

Either you can confront her, which doesn't mean having a storming row, but does mean picking your moment and the method of delivery. You going through her phone does not give her a "get out jail" card on this one. Make sure that you have an alternative bed for the night should it kick off, and preferably make sure your daughter is out of the house when you have the discussion. This is worth throwing a sickie for.

Option two is you start taking steps to get the fuck out of dodge unilaterally. Possibly not recommended, but hey it's your life.

Your relationship with your daughter can and will survive; don't think it depends on you staying with your girlfriend, it doesn't. And your daughter won't thank you for staying on and suffering in silence for the next 12 years.

But you can't ignore the situation. Finding out who the third party is is not important. Sorting this mess out and moving on with your life is; but realistically, the relationship is over. Good luck.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)

thakns guys. Have had a lot of very good advice
and a good chunk of legal advice.

now, it's tea and thinking time...

thanks guys
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Have you tried consolidating all your debts into one easily manageable monthly repayment, qutting uni and getting a job?
Or alternativly, having a nice cold glass of Yop drink?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)

um... seriously?
Have no debts (apart from the credit card debt she is running up for me), two jobs and finished my (second) masters with distinction late last year.

I just don't know if I have a relationship that has two people in it who want it.

But perhaps a nice cold glass of Yop wouldn't be a bad idea...
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 14:27, Reply)

A glass of Yop always helps, just the other day I had an anxiety and instead of taking 15mg of Diazipam, I had a nice cold bottle of yop.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 15:20, Reply)

I love you, gonz.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 16:47, Reply)

you are overlooking a critical point here
you can't throw that sort of advice out willy-nilly without at least suggesting what flavour Yop might best suit his situation.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Oh gonz

( WormuIus, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Don't take legal advice from b3ta/QotW

( WormuIus, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 10:58, Reply)

You haven't received any legal advice at all.
You've been told some half-baked opinions by twats on the internet. Turn your computer off, ring a solicitor and make an appointment to speak to someone.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:02, Reply)

do a barrel roll

(PsychoChomp, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 17:13, Reply)

haha

( WormuIus, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:06, Reply)

It sounds like you're just not giving her what she wants, even though you're trying hard.
Just hope she doesn't start shagging a lawyer, then you'll be really screwed.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Oh God
I lolled
I feel awful.
( WormuIus, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Pwned.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 10:39, Reply)

I just had a proper read through that.
1. He couldn't get a job, despite having 3 days a week completely free. Workshy layabout freeloader.
2. She goes out and buys a new phone before even consulting him about it or attempting to fix the other one, it seems. Irresponsible disrespectful bint.

Kid's doomed, yo.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:26, Reply)

If you want legal advice
ignore everything that everyone has said on here and contact a family solicitor.
( WormuIus, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 10:56, Reply)

I think you should sit down and have a chat about it.

( WormuIus, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 10:57, Reply)

You had a child with a woman who was still in love with someone else?
FOOL.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Yeah I'm sorry about that
we met through here, she got an account because she was concerned that this was a fetish website. We got chatting via Gaz...

I didn't know about your daughter, although, I could have guessed. Anyway, yeah sorry about that no hard feelings.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:02, Reply)

don't forget to turn the gun on yourself at the end
never let them take you alive.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 11:37, Reply)