Long thread is long.
Annnnd the popular page is getting low on posts.

Tell me a joke. I will click ones I find amusing and I encourage others to do the same.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:45, 122 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

How do you make a gay guy fuck your Nan?
Shit in her cunt.
( wanderlust, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:47, Reply)

A classic.
You're so lady like.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Yups.
My mother must be very proud.
( wanderlust, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:50, Reply)

What sound does an infant in a blender make?

I don't know I was too busy wanking.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:51, Reply)

How do you get a baby into a dip bowl? With a blender
How do you get it out? Doritos
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:53, Reply)

That just makes me go ewwww

(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Why do you feed a baby into a blender feet first?
So there's time to come on its face.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I am so turned on right now.

( wanderlust, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:59, Reply)

YEAH you are.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:08, Reply)

How do you make a granny scream cunt?
Shout Bingo
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:52, Reply)

That made me do a real lol

( wanderlust, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:54, Reply)

In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death, Elton John has announced he'll be releasing a tribute single in his memory
'Sandles In The Bin' will be released on the 9th May.

/Stolen from DG and recycled from 1997
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Yahoo.com - "World's oldest man dies"

Why does this keep happening?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:52, Reply)

It's gods will obviously
they're probably sinners.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:53, Reply)

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:55, Reply)

badum tish

(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:56, Reply)

I should not have laughed at this.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Pedantism
1023 MB
(99pence didn't wake up until, Wed 4 May 2011, 19:58, Reply)

as i am on LOLignore i can LOLignore the question
and say, soooo is this gavin millicent really the thirteenth return of bert?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Nah,
he's just not very funny.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:01, Reply)

well he's not alone in committing that crime

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:01, Reply)

He's no Wet Ham Man.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:02, Reply)

I LOVE YOU MAH NIGGAH!!!!!!

(Bazongaloid, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:02, Reply)

*pours out some boiled ham licquor for the fallen street soldiers*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:06, Reply)

who is this wet ham man?
how have i missed this and hood-butter?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:12, Reply)

I'm hoping for a Tuesday meltdown

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:01, Reply)

yes
this would cheer up my tuesday IMMENSELY
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:02, Reply)

On the basis of his post
I found £15K in a bag, in £20 notes in an old lady's house that we were clearing etc etc.... is that wrong of me?

+fucked my sister

Then yes
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Chompy's ignoring you?
I guess he really doesn't fancy you, then.
( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:06, Reply)

it's along the bella lines of
"if i ignore them they'll get bored of niggling at me" when actually it makes you think "woo, yay, i can say what i want".

nobody would fancy me today. i am tired and cross and i have frizzy hair because i couldn't be bothered to blow-dry it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Oh, so he hasn't actually clicked the Button of Shame?
I couldn't be arsed to blow dry my hair today, either. Screw looking hot for unappreciative men! Yeah!

*fistbumps for my sista*
( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:13, Reply)

i have no idea
it just amuses me to think i am being ignored. so i do.

you don't look hot for men. you look hot for clients. then they might give you work.

which is why i'm SO SO BUSY.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:16, Reply)

If this is true,
you're in for a quiet week next week. So chin up.
( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:18, Reply)

chin+S
it has not been a good month for the gym :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:19, Reply)

You and Labs
should have a chins-off.

3 2 1 FIGHT *wobble, wobble*.

I am in a strange mood today.
( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:21, Reply)

He's tormenting you because he loves you
and wants you to bear his fruit of the loins
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:16, Reply)

fruit of the loom more like
/chav lols
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:19, Reply)

What's brown and long or something

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:00, Reply)

SNAKEY POO!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:01, Reply)

IT@S THE WAY I TELL THEM

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:02, Reply)

The Bakerloo line.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:01, Reply)

It's good, but it's no snakey poo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Say what you see!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:03, Reply)

The dole queue

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:06, Reply)

Megalolz.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Mosquito net: £12
Fresh water supply: £500
A starving African child: Riceless
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:02, Reply)

'THROW HIM A POLO!!!111!!!'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Which is just mean because they disolve in water and I think they sink.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:06, Reply)

And if they're drowning in diet coke it will make them EXPLODE.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:08, Reply)

What's yellow and doesn't like liver?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Jaundice?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:08, Reply)

BEN HARDWICK!!!!111!!!
If I get any more topical I might die. Like Bruce Lee.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:10, Reply)

It isn't a joke but it is amusing/depressing/embarrassing.
Since I have no ID anymore I have to get my younger brother to buy my cigarilloes for me with his fake ID, he's seventeen. Each time this happens I die a little inside.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Hahahahah
Good choices for the old skool hip hop links you put up last week, by the way. I have fucking shitloads of that stuff if you want more tips. I have fucking shitloads of that stuff if you don't want more tips.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Thank you good sir.
More tips would be greatly appreciated as all I do is look through mounds of shit before finding some decent stuff and researching the decent stuff further, it's exhausting.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Here's your starter:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtCXST3-HEY

Vinyls of this cost several hundred dollars.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:16, Reply)

That is mint.
There's so much to like about this sort of music, I'd happily listen to it forever and ever.
Btw Greg Wilson was ridiculously good Easter Thursday, I never knew he played with a bloody tape deck.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:29, Reply)

He is PROPER old skool.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 13:18, Reply)

On the M25 today, I saw a lorry pulled over, surrounded by a whole crowd
of squad cars and meat wagons. A bunch of illegals were being herded into the vans.

I found it quietly amusing that they'd got that far only to be nabbed.
( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Oh and Bin Laden isn't dead.
It's a turban myth.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:10, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:11, Reply)

BBC News: Gaddafi 'launching cluster bombs'.

Rebel forces to retaliate with Honey nut missile.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:11, Reply)

you should be forced to leave the internet until this thread is over
for your own good
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:13, Reply)

I killed Colonel Gaddafi last night. I didn't take any pictures and threw his body into the sea. Just take my word for it; he's definitely dead.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:14, Reply)

My friend told me I didn't understand irony.
Which was ironic, as we were waiting for a bus at the time.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Hahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:15, Reply)

This is funnier because I suspect this is a genuine post.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Had to explain it to Crow many times.
Not sure he gets it.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I don't get it either.
I feel as though I should, but I'm not making the connection.
( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:23, Reply)

It's about irony

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:30, Reply)

I thought there was a hidden joke that I wasn't getting.

( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:41, Reply)

rofl
I might nick this for a fb status.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:18, Reply)

It's stolen from b3ta iirc

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:20, Reply)

looks like it
b3ta.com/links/554012#post554115
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:23, Reply)

this is v clever

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:20, Reply)

I have NO idea what it means.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 May 2011, 12:41, Reply)

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Classic.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:14, Reply)

That is a great joke.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I love this.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:25, Reply)

I was in bed last night and said to Ms Foxtrot,
"Do that trick with your mouth."
"What trick?", she replied.
"The one where you shut the fuck up and let me go to sleep"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:14, Reply)

It's funny because I would never in a million years dare say such a thing to Ms Foxtrot.

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Mrs SYFTS said to me
"Can I have 5 grand for a boob job?"
"You don't need 5 grand" says I "just rub toilet paper between your tits and watch them grow."
"Will that work?" she enquired.
"It worked on your arse!" I quipped.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Hahaha
I've heard this before but it still makes me laugh
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:19, Reply)

knock, knock
- Who's there
- Impatient sheep
- Impatient sh... - Baaaaa!!!

It's funnier if you shout the Baaaa in a public place, full of people. And if you're drunk.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 3 May 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I love this joke

( Kroney, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:22, Reply)

There's a bulimic girl living next door to me
She was making a fucking racket last night. I was forced to bang on the wall and yell "For fucks sake, keep it down!"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:16, Reply)

What do you call a man who was born in Glasgow, raised in Edinburgh, lived in Liverpool, had kids in Manchester and died in Birmingham?
Dead.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Unlikely
As if anyone could live in Glasgow, Liverpool and Machester and be killed by those soft Brummie shites
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:18, Reply)

He hung himself after being exposed to their accents for thirty seconds.
We'd all do the same.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Although I'd argue he must have a high tolerance to annoying accents
I must concede that you're correct there
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:21, Reply)

I still laugh when I think of the time I called a "White Mocca" an "Andi Peters Special".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:21, Reply)

How do you make a little girl scream twice?
Fuck her up the arse, then wipe your cock on her teddy.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:26, Reply)

A slightly more subtle version I heard was
How do you make an 8 year old girl cry a second time?
Wipe your penis on her favourite teddy.
(99pence didn't wake up until, Wed 4 May 2011, 22:01, Reply)

An Irishman was being kept awake at night by his neighbour's dog barking all the time. He said to his wife that he was going to do something about it. She begged him NOT to fall out with the neighbour.

He went down stairs and returned to the bedroom a few minutes later.

His wife asked what he had done, and he replied

'I put the dog in my garden. Now lets see how the neighbour likes that!'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:28, Reply)

What's Irish and comes out in the Spring?
Paddy O'Furniture.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:30, Reply)

I've got an Irish hairdresser
Tim O'Tay.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:31, Reply)

There are two monkeys in a bath
The first says, "OOOHHH AHHH AAAAHHH AHHH AHHH" to which the second replies,






"If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in"...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:29, Reply)

what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip
(gavin_millicent, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:29, Reply)

What did the stalker say to the deceaseds persons nephew whilst wearing her knickers?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:31, Reply)

'do you want to see a video of me wanking?'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:32, Reply)

I dunno man, I was hoping that he could tell us, what with him being there and all

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:33, Reply)

gimme more money
or I'll kick your face off
(gavin_millicent, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:33, Reply)

is that what you wanted?

(gavin_millicent, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I hope you've at least attempted to clean the gusset you filthy deviant

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:35, Reply)

you told me you wanted them to smell like they've been used!
have they arrived yet? the post has been a bit messed up the past couple of weeks... I think you'll like em, size 18 and lacy, right up your street.
(gavin_millicent, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:37, Reply)

I preferred you when you were whining about the injustice of being tipped for doing your job, and then stalking out dead peoples friends and relatives

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:40, Reply)

ok
I'll go back to that then.
(gavin_millicent, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Why not give us five facts about yourself
Preferably something juicy that can be thrown back in your face on a repeated basis
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:50, Reply)

is that what all noobs have to do?

(gavin_millicent, Tue 3 May 2011, 13:00, Reply)

It's mandatory
Bonus points for admitting which kids on cbbc you fancy, psychiatric ward admissions etc etc
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 3 May 2011, 13:06, Reply)

How do you know your sister is on her period?
Your Dad's cock tastes funny
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:29, Reply)

How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:32, Reply)

What do you ay to a woman with two black eyes?
nothing, you've already told her twice.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:32, Reply)

Whilst it cannot be conveyed on the internet, the best joke I've ever heard/seen was when a Big Issue seller ran upto me and my mate.
And started stamping up and down and jumping on the ground, he then shouted 'Look it's Fred and Rosemary West saying goodnight to their kids'.

We gave him a fiver for his fine comedic display.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:32, Reply)

I fucking love the news in Tiwaan...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw0AXjAaf3g&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_483154

Seriously funny over the top stuff going on.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Not a joke but an anecdote.
My nephew was messing around and tucked his arms into his t-shirt so only his hands were showing. My sister shouted, 'you look like a peadophile'.

She meant thalidomide.
( girlinthehole, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:45, Reply)

How great would that be, if all peadofiles had tiny arms like a tyransarous rex... they'd be much easier to spot.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 3 May 2011, 12:48, Reply)

Plus they wouldn't be able to give those pleasing reacharounds.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 3 May 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Not sure about that.
My childhood would have been far less enjoyable.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 3 May 2011, 13:12, Reply)

I'm late but here you go...
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None
( Peej, Tue 3 May 2011, 14:24, Reply)