Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Morning steers and queersI trust you agree that people who watch Reality TV should do the decent thing, step into the drawing room and clean their revolver.
Having said that, if you could invent a reality tv show - a group of talented people, one elimination a week, grand prize for the winner - what would it be?
Alt: What have you got going on today then?
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:14,
214 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
I've proposed this before, and am surprised it hasn't happened yetIt flies in the face of the first criteria, but I still think it's a good idea. Basically it boils down to there being far, far more "celebrities" than any culture could feasibly need, and a constant demand for ever-more preposterous reality TV. The logical solution is...
Celebrity Running Man
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:17, Reply)
You only want to watch that because of the Spandex costumes.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:20,
Reply)
Spandex is due a comebackIt is somewhat unforgiving, though. I'll amend the title; Hot Celebrity Running Man. We'll have to take out Feltz some other way.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:22, Reply)
Running Woman would be better I feel(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:53,
Reply)
So we've refined the idea to Hot Celebrity Running Woman.
My issue with this is that I don't wish to reduce the number of hot celebrity women. Perhaps the fat, annoying celebrities could be hunted by hot women in spandex?
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:09,
Reply)
My idea is simple and cheap.Stephen Fry having a conversation with a "celebrity". Celebrity is sitting on stool suspended above fiery pit. When Stephen gets bored, he pushes the button.....
Only those people who survive for the 30mins show are lawfully allowed to have the word celebrity attached to their name.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:25,
Reply)
I like thisSomeone call the Beeb, we're winning the ratings war for them here
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:27, Reply)
Peado Island12 children, 4 Peados, 1 island.
Last one to get nonced wins.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:49,
Reply)
Celebrity love island/russian rouletteIt's like normal celebritiy love island but the producers secretly infect two of the celebs with AIDS.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:53,
Reply)
Monty's Death IslandThe Isle of Wight is surrounded by 80' unscaleable walls with machine gun towers every 50', massive searchlights, razorwire, cameras etc.
The island is then filled with a selection of people I don't like, who are given no food or shelter and observed as they descend in a Goldingian nightmare of savagery and cannibalism.
Occasionally, I spice things up a little by entering the compound with an elephant gun, and track and slay a specific individual. In the advert breaks top whimsical Stilgoe-alikes 'Combi Christ' will regale the viewers with some of their witty observational musical vignettes.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:54,
Reply)
I have a better nameThe Isle of Shite
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:58,
Reply)
Being from that part of the world I can tell you its nickname 'The Pile of Shite' is well earned.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:01,
Reply)
Wouldn't it be better to have a 5cm unscaleable wall? That way you could see it from the outside.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:06,
Reply)
That's not a wall, that's a tripping hazard.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:10,
Reply)
It's still unscaleable.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:23,
Reply)
That's what the cameras are for.That way if it gets a bit boring we can CGI it up a bit.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:21,
Reply)
They'd be able to survive, Isle of white has fertile land and caves, you underestimate humans.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:24, Reply)
Not with me shooting at them they wouldn't.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:33,
Reply)
You'd be blind drunk from your hip flask before you leave the hunting lodge.(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:37, Reply)
Big B3taB3ta regulars are forced to live in a house together without internet access, last one to crawl into a ball of sweaty wailing autism wins.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:55,
Reply)
The group would be split into two distinct campsOne consisting of the aforementioned sweaty autists, and one of people suddenly finding their self-esteem has taken a huge boost by virtue of not enduring meaningless taunts all day.
The latter group would obviously have to be shot as it would rapidly become absolutely unbearable.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:00, Reply)
Celebrity Coal MineALL celebrities work in a coal mine until it pleases me.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:55, Reply)
Talkhog DayA group of unfortunates are forced to read the arse-clenchingly tedious repetitive posts of 'me, JMG, saviour of the internet' until they eat each other's eyes out of kindness.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 8:57,
Reply)
Because they have spys, and we can expect a visit to set us straight.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:03,
Reply)
I don't mind them visitingIt's like when your cousin, you know "the one who's not quite right", who got caught pulling the wings off birds comes to visit and you are forced to play with him because you're the same age and will therefore definately be friends.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:05,
Reply)
It was worse when your cousin was a couple of years younger than youbut you still should be friends because you're nearly the same age.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:08, Reply)
My friend Mat is the most right-on vegetarian hand-wringer I've ever metbut his family are from Coventry. He went back there for some family do and the first person he saw was his cousin, who ran up to him and said 'owroight Meth-yeow, want to hear soom jowks about peck-eyes?'.
He thought this was terrible. I of course lolled heartily.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:12,
Reply)
Association with SpankyHanky has different effects on different peopleAll equally terrible.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)
OK sorry.I'm just a 'fatty' who 'takes the internet seriously' and is looking for 'attention online'. Sorry.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:02,
Reply)
Actually I think you'll find that in /Talk circlesYou're an awful homophobe
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)
I think you'll find he's that in every circle.Especially your anal circle.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)
I ran my 2.9 mile route last night, it took me two minutes longer than last timeI reckon having donated a pint of blood made it harder. At least I hope that's the reason.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:12, Reply)
I can imagine if you are an elite athletethen being a pint of blood down will make a real difference, that's why top cyclists used to take out a pint of blood, then train for a few months, then get it put back in them before a big race.
But when you're a fat sweaty amateur running 3 miles, would it really make that much of a difference? Or was I just having a bad day?
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:17, Reply)
Depends how long it's been since you last ran mateAlso the time of day that you usually run. I personally cannot cope with a run after work as well as I can first thing in the morning.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:18, Reply)
Same time as on Monday, same routeyesterday it was a bit cooler, and the drizzle made me feel better, but I still needed to stop twice to catch my breath, whereas before I didn't.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)
I never have a problem ith being out of breath when I runMy legs always give up first, this may be because I don't warm up properly
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:22,
Reply)
Yes it isNot stretching before and after you run is tantamount to asking for achey legs the next day
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:29, Reply)
He never stretched his heart enoughthough his daughter has done her best to make up for it by stretching a lot of cocks.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:31, Reply)
I like this a lotMore than any other association with the word Cyrus, in fact
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:32, Reply)
No it's notnot warming up and warming down is likely to result in more pain the next day, but stretching isn't actually necessary. All stretching does is make you better at stretching.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:31, Reply)
Yes and noStretching loosens your muscles which will otherwise constrict as a result of the exertion. Warming up and down, ie not stopping dead and dropping into a chair as soon as you finish running, is very important but you should stretch as well.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:33, Reply)
*puts fingers in ears*LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
*ignores the bender*
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:37, Reply)
The mixed kebab I had last night will certainly do thatIt was fucking lush though.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:40, Reply)
It was a mixture of lamb, chicken and kofte shishall served on bed of lamb and chicken doner, with chips and salad on the side, and a crispy pitta bread. Little dollop of garlic sauce on the meat, big splurge of HP Fruity on the chips.
Sat there drinking a can of Sprite, watching Hollyoaks.
I'm so fucking cool I make Chompy look like a loser.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:49, Reply)
Oh, Al, you were doing so wellHollyoaks. I won't lie to you, I'm disappointed.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:50, Reply)
So, in summaryIt look longer when you stopped twice as opposed to not stopping
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:23,
Reply)
I didn't actually stop, I just walked for a bitbut I was a lot more out of breath, which is what necessitated the walking.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:24, Reply)
Unless you'd spent yesterday lunchtime in the pub,or had an unusually high number of cups of coffee/cigarettes yesterday, I think you can blame the blood loss.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)
I did have two cups of coffee throughout the day yesterday, but I doubt that made a difference.Also, I had to cycle 5 miles from the garage and back.
Thanks Darth, I feel better about myself now.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:26, Reply)
A pint, though? How many pints does one normally have?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:19,
Reply)
EightYours is probably 2 pints blood mixed into 5 pints fortified wine and 1 pint liquified MDs
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:20, Reply)
The actual answer is 8% of your body weightFattys have more blood than skinnys
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:24,
Reply)
I am disappointed no-one made use of my Marc Almond joke set up here.You should be ashamed.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:24,
Reply)
I've made a completely unrelated joke about semen overflow belowJust be happy with that
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:27, Reply)
That's the pointthey put it back so they have more red blood cells and therefore operate more efficiently.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:22, Reply)
But they will have a pint too much blood in their bodyTheir heads will explode when they go up to high altitude!
Fact!
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:25,
Reply)
Sounds like something out of AkiraWhich is weird, cos I had a dream about Akira last night.
Your daughter. Not the film.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:28, Reply)
She got in a fight yesterdaySome kid bought a toy pirate ship to nursery, she wanted it so she took it. She has a cracking cut on her lip and another on her chin. I'd like to say "You should see the other kid" but I think she lost big time.
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:30,
Reply)
Or I could go kick the shit out of the kidHe's only 3, I can take him!
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:39,
Reply)
I've always wanted to get into a fight with an opponent I could quite literally throw awayCan I come?
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:40, Reply)
Yeh but you have to pick your own kid to beat upI don't want people thinking I needed help!
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:44,
Reply)
It's a nursery school!You can go in and take your pick! There's hundreds of the little bastards! Be warned though, in groups of 6 or more they can be lethal.
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:52,
Reply)
The key is to pick out the unpopular kids who no-one else will play withIt'll be like beating up a version of myself from 30 years ago
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:58, Reply)
That's nonsenseI'm much bigger now than I was 30 years ago
Otherwise, yes
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)
Lol strikethroughFirst one in like ages
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:08,
Reply)
I want to say "much better" with a wink but that's too much for meIt was actually the film anyway, and frankly it's not the sort of film you need in your brain at 3am when you can't sleep.
Morning mate.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:34, Reply)
Very very trueMorning fella, you alright?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:43,
Reply)
My head is bursting with snotOtherwise fine thanks, how are you keeping?
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:45, Reply)
Not too shabby, had some majorly shitty news last night thoughMy best mates stepdad has had cancer for a few years, beaten it twice, and I found out last night he's got 2 tumours in his brain, and the cancer is now terminal.
I've known this guy almost half my life, they've been my second family, and I'm absolutely gutted.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:54,
Reply)
Oh that's horrible Really sorry to hear that mate. All the best for the next few weeks
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:58, Reply)
Good day. I have a stinking cold.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:14,
Reply)
Nein, Herr Major.A real one caught from an actual person.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:17,
Reply)
Me too. You mentioned a cold yesterday. I am blaming you for mine.Rather than my boss, who sits next to me, and also has a cold.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:17, Reply)
Yours is AIDS and you sure as hell didn't get that from me.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:18,
Reply)
Nose AIDS?I knew letting men fuck me in the nostrils when my other orifices became clogged up with coagulated semen was a bad idea.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:19, Reply)
I wouldn't dare take the piss out of you since I found out about your brother cutting that bloke's head off.(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:58,
Reply)
I'd like to stick various b3tan intellectual heavyweights into a room with blaireau69 and we can all watch as he repeatedly bests them in various debatesThe 'prize' being they get to pay his mortgage, month by month as they drop out.
Edit : last b3tan standing he gets to anal them
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:12,
Reply)
Stop copying me in a slightly shitter way, just before I post, please.Ta.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:13,
Reply)
So you're somekindof shit power rangers droid thing that comes together, only without the three other requisite membersCRIPPLERANGERS !!!!!!!!!!
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:18,
Reply)
They have to run the gauntlet being pelted with cats.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:13,
Reply)
Surely she has some weird variant of Munchausen's by proxy syndrome (amongst a host of other problems)Someone should really write a paper on her mentalness
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:15,
Reply)
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:16,
Reply)
The loser gets bumhole pics from him.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:16,
Reply)
Dunno, I think he's currently beasting Dr Shambles on qotw, relying on a curious unnamed source to vanquish himI should ask him really
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:17,
Reply)
Of course he wasIt's B69, no-one can take that intellectual heavyweight down
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:21,
Reply)
Hell, he even got me banned.That's one bad dude, I'm not gonna mess with him again.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:30, Reply)
We were both right on the internet.Blaireau and pals don't like that.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)
Also, I stole his username and kept posting the seven point plan in reply to everything he did.(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:44, Reply)
that was fucking hilarious(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:10,
Reply)
Hi, I'm the Internet's Set your faces to stunned.You may remember me from such questions as "Awesome Sickies" and "I'm going to hell..." I'm nowhere near as MILF as Davina McCall but I have got considerably bigger balls.
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:21,
Reply)
I suspect some past shitbeakering on my partmay come back to haunt.
I won't be the first.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:27, Reply)
*puts on sheet*WWWwwwwwooooOOOOOOoooOOOOooooooooo!
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:33,
Reply)
Celebrity TitwankWhere b3ta posters (named sportscow) get a titwank from busty celebs. Points for nork rubbage and style and an overall board for speed of spunk
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:21,
Reply)
Episode one: Vanessa FeltzEpisode two: Lenny Henry
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:52,
Reply)
I'm wearing cream trousers today.I haven't worn these trousers for about 5 years.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)
I have this problem with my one suit.I've got a wedding to go to and the suit is too large to wear. A major problem when you're fucking potless as I am.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:36,
Reply)
Monty, you really should check your spelling"pointless" has an "I" in it.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)
^thisI've just had a couple of suits altered. Cost about £18 for each
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:11,
Reply)
Hey he does have a pointThough Lusty said she can only coax it out by wearing an SS uniform and reciting the entire Hendrix set list from Woodstock '69.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:41,
Reply)
Is it just the trousers or the jacket as well?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:41,
Reply)
The whole thing. It's not alterable, I need a fucking new one.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:46,
Reply)
Don't do it if you respect yourself on any level at allHire one for the day
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:50,
Reply)
Do it Monty, here's the link:direct.asda.com/george/men-s-clothing/suits/classic-suit/SET193,default,pd.html
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:51, Reply)
This link makes me feel a little bit sick(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:52,
Reply)
Mein Gott.I had no idea you could score a suit for such a sum.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:57,
Reply)
YepThe suit I wore to CHCB/Catface's wedding was from Tesco, though it was more pricey at £50.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:50,
Reply)
I no, rite?I only wear a suit, on average, one day every 3 months. No need to buy an expensive one, especially as I'm losing weight.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:54,
Reply)
I read that as a very racist term there.I got my 'River Plate' DVD this week but I'm saving it for the weekend when I can give it the respect it deserves.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:35,
Reply)
The British win.There are some impressive shorts in it though, white, not khaki.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:40,
Reply)
Ooo I like cordsGood choice! You still cycling? The weather at the moment is gorgeous for it. Apart from last night of course, I was doing my best impression of a drowned rat...
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:41, Reply)
Yesterday was the first day I have riden my bike for agesas I had to take my car to be serviced.
I don't mind riding in the rain when you're dressed for it, but when you get a wet arse crack in your jeans, it's really unpleasant.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)
Your terrible (non) bullying led me to ride my bike to and from the parent's house last nightto check if my iMapMyRun iPhone app works. It does
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:48,
Reply)
How about a show called Fuck of BertWhere the celebrities are all called Bert and you get to tell them to fuck off. Trouble is I can think of several Burt's but the only Bert's I can think of are Bert the Chimney Sweep from Mary Poppins and Bert Raccoon from The Raccoons.
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:38,
Reply)
Great so far we have three fictional CharactersThis show sucks!
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:45,
Reply)
Is that like 'Mull of Kintyre'?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:41,
Reply)
I didn't think it was possiblebut it is actually worse than Mull of Kintyre
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:42,
Reply)
But it got to number oneSo it must be good right? Like Mr Blobby and Bob the Builder. Oh and Saturday Night! De de dada da!
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Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:48,
Reply)
There is gay Bert.You know, that one that is fucking Ernie on Sesame Street.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:44,
Reply)
Any excuse to post this videoSound needed
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:06,
Reply)
Scottish people on my TV show?Not whilst there's still blood flowing through my veins.
(
Peej, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:50,
Reply)
I suspect not many will know who he is(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:11,
Reply)
Bertie Bassett is another.God, there are all-sorts when you think about it.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 May 2011, 9:49,
Reply)
Bert McCrackenI'd happily tell him to fuck off.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:08,
Reply)
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