I'm having a Monty day
As in I hate everything and everyone. Please put forward your cases for me not hunting you down in your sleep and shaving off your eyebrows, drawing cocks on your face/neck and then brutally killing you and selling your still warm corpse to Chompy for him to have his way with it.

I'm afraid the court cannot accept cases from a Mr A Antichrist.

Q: Do you feel lucky?
Alt Q: Are you a punk?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:08, 124 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bitch.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Sorry, Chompy has already paid a deposit on you

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Understandable really.
Might you be attending the October bash?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Yes. Me, Lusty and Clendrix are going to be terrible to everyone

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Just like the Todmorden bash then?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I have formalised the Foxtrot scale, if that might help? See below.
1 Darth equivalent to a limp wrist, a slight lisp or a tendency to wear scarves indoors.

1000 Darths = 1 KiloDarth. A KiloDarth equates to the amount of homosexual fallout you’d expect to find on the streets of London after an audition for Dancing on Ice.

1000 KiloDarths = 1 MegaDarth. Exposure at this level carries with it significant risk of personal injury, usually to the soft tissues of the rectum. Equivalency would be the Notting Hill Carnival, Gay Pride, or Southern Decadence.

1000 MegaDarths = 1 GigaDarth. A GigaDarth is roughly equivalent to Elton John’s 60th birthday. Fallout from exposure at this level is capable of rendering women sexually unsatisified across a radius of hundreds of miles.

1000 GigaDarths = 1 PetaDarth. Exposure to a PetaDarth is potentially a total extinction event as men across the world take to wearing leather harnesses and Jean Paul Gautier cologne.

Theoretically, there is an ExoDarth scale, but it would be pointless to describe as mankind would be extinct long before exposure reached such levels.
( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

POTD already
Everyone go home now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I like this
You have been spared
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I wish he was still scoring.

( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:22, Reply)

No, no, no.
You have the Darth as the smallest unit of bummery, this is clearly wrong. That ought to be a nanodarth. Your basic Darth ought to be about where you have a GigaDarth.

You have come dangerously close, here, to calling him straight.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:32, Reply)

A potentially catastrophic mistake.

( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Alt: not in the 'bummed in prison' sense, no.
Q: Looking at my life, what possible reason would I have to feel lucky?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Thanks.

( wanderlust, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Ooof
Way to alienate your loved ones
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Leave him Lusty and come live with me as I love and appreciate you
I'm going to that 1234 thing in Shoreditch on the 9th if you're about before/after/during.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:14, Reply)

If I'm not working I'll come join you for a dance and a cuddle.

( wanderlust, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Ah, hello dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:16, Reply)

No, I'm afraid I don't feel lunky.
And not any more. I can't really carry off mohicans all that well.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

My nipples are not hard
writes sportscow after Googling "lunky"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I'd best not google it being at work.
But, I'll assume it's a real word, as according to TGB's profile:

"In well-crafted words, she finds glamour"
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:17, Reply)

A line from one of the many, many odes to Badger

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I noticed.
That's a lot of short poems about you. If my brain was firing on all cylinders, I might compose a haiku. Thing is, I can't remember if it's seventeen words, or syllables that it is supposed to be.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Syllables

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:15, Reply)

The Grammar Badger
Always seeking for well-constructed sentences.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Usually they're in the 5-7-5 format

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Ok...
The Grammar Badger
Always seeking for well
Constructed sentences.

/Happy now?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:26, Reply)

No
Last line has 6 syllables
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Shit, I really need to learn to count.
Plus to the fact I can't really split those words up. I should give up on haikus.

Last attempt

The Grammar Badger
Always constantly seeking
Well-built sentences.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:29, Reply)

'Always constantly' sounds shit

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:32, Reply)

I give up.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:33, Reply)

As sportscow points out
That is 5-6-6. So, no
I am not happy

The observant ones
will note that my reply is,
in fact, a haiku
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:30, Reply)

My case is that I'm very far away, and I'm nice really. I think I even hugged you when we met?
Q: I don't know what Lunky means, and no, I"m not a punk.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Picking up on typos puts you on The List

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I thought you were being serious and Lunky was some kind of new british slang I've not heard of.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

BACKPEDDAL BITCH!
I don't actually think you're a bitch before you tell Noel I'm being mean and he sends me nasty messages again
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Poppet's seeing Noel?
Cybering with pathos.

Star-crossed webcam lovers, half a world apart.
( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:44, Reply)

It's ok though because at least she has met this one
And she is at least older than his daughter. I read Tony Robinson (61) is engaged married to a 27 year old. His kids are 29 and 31 iI believe. /robinsonrama triviama
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Broken Britain

( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Is this disgusting
Or are the older males here going "Lucky bastard!"?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I am utterly unashamed to say
that if, at the age of 61, I bagged a girl in her twenties, I would be cock-a-fucking-hoop.
( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Thought so.
Does that mean many men secretly admire the oleaginous Berlusconi?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:58, Reply)

No, he's a cunt
and possibly running dangerously close to the old paedo wind.
( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I was thinking the same
But didn't want to get called a massive screaming quender for saying it.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:03, Reply)

When he get his 'old chap' out,
does that grubby man pop out from under the bed, bellowing 'it's definitely Bronze Age Tewney'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:03, Reply)

He goes at it with a tiny little brush.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:05, Reply)

and there's even a song.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:05, Reply)

OH ARRR
LOOK AT THART HEHEHEE IT'S A NOICE ONE TEWNY!
( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Tony Robinson isn't a bender?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Did Chumlee tell you he wasn't interested?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:15, Reply)

*cries*
He hasn't replied to ANY of my emails, Jeff.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:16, Reply)

*there there*
He probably hasn't worked out how to use a computer yet.

I suggest a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. That'll cheer you up.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I'm feeling very lucky.
I used to dabble at Punk but was never a fully paid up member of the safety pin brigade.
( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:22, Reply)

If you're feeling REALLY lucky then you should buy a ticket for the lottery this evening.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Maybe I will at lunchtime : )

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:24, Reply)

I'm going to buy one, although if I win I have to buy Monty a bear suit.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:25, Reply)

If I win I shall buy a big house with a granny flat for you to stay in.

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:26, Reply)

granny flat kennel
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:30, Reply)

hahaha
As long as it isn't the cellar, I'm happy.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

No matter how hard you tried
the other inmates wouldn't give you any cigarettes :(
( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I'll sit on you.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:23, Reply)

On her face with your pants off?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:27, Reply)

after a heavy gym session and half an enema

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:30, Reply)

There was no need for that Rory

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Soz, it's the voices, they make me

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Wait, isn't she supposed to sit on him?

( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Could even TGB cope with that?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:32, Reply)

The old unstoppable force versus immovable object conundrum.

( Kroney, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Thoughts of Cyrano de Bergerac spring to mind.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:33, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoQ5goVpjyM
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:35, Reply)

VETO!

( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:34, Reply)

You don't have the power of the veto.

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:41, Reply)

You have no idea how much power I have

( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:42, Reply)

NO VETOS FOR YOU.
None.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:51, Reply)

VETO

( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Be nice if I could veto it as well.
I reckon I earned a permanent place on TGB's list for spoiling Game of Thrones.

Oops.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Why you are still alive is a mystery to me.

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Probably because I keep my physical location a closely guarded secret.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Wakefield, you mean?
Oops
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Now we know why

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:58, Reply)

It's a big place.
Good luck.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Yes but how many people in Wakefield have access to a computer?
About four.

Coincidentally twice the number with access to an indoor lavatory.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I have two, so nerrr.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Computers?
Or indoor lavatories?
( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Both.
:P
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Course you do, Luggers, course you do.
PS a jam-jar next to your bed doesn't count as indoor lavatory - neither does a Casio calculator watch count as a 'computer'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I'm going to the fucking shop to get some fucking crisps
can I fucking get you any thing?
( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Yes you fucking can.
Can I have a Jubbly and a copy of Wizzer and Chips.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Isn't Bunty more your thing?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Of course not.
Although if you do want a copy of Bunty, I know where there are some for sale.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Nah I'm fine.
If I were to buy some, it'd be as a gift for Darth.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Gnasher

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:53, Reply)

They said they sold the last copy
I got you Buster instead. Jubbly melted sorry.
( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Thanks anyway.
I'll settle up with you later, after I've been given my pocket money.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I was listening to the Dead Kennedys last night...
...and I'm getting a Black Flag tattoo. But I wouldn't class myself as a punk, as both bands came after all that Mohican/safety pin nonsense...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:44, Reply)

*dead kennedys high fives*

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:49, Reply)

*holidays in Cambodia*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:52, Reply)

*drinks too much thereby being unable to partake in sexual intercourse*

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Mindpiss!

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:57, Reply)

*doesn't fuck due to excessive alcohol consumption*

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Please tell me it's gonna be on your face

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Yep

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

COOL

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:58, Reply)

...and are therefore 'a bit bent'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Rollins in particular is a homoerotic boo-hoo-er of the first water,
with his angry weightlifting. What a gaylord he is.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Shirley you mean "quender"...?

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

I've moved on now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:56, Reply)

There comes a time when we all have to Monty...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:57, Reply)

It's the curse of being a 'New Age Traveller' - which I am.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Fucking Gyppo

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Gaia lols

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Stop oppressing my way of life.
I want to live my life free from the shackles of the modern greed culture.


And sign on, obv.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:09, Reply)

I had to lol on Sunday at all your like minded brethren living on those caravans on stagnant water by Vicky Park
It looks miserable and they all clearly stink, stick that up your free spirited arsehole
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Hahah that's my 'hood. I live by the canal bridge at the bottom of Broadway Market/London Fields.
Those water-gyppoes are multiplying something rotten at the moment.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Oh man I noes it, by the Perservance, soz I forgot to pay my dues wot wif bein on yor manor

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I would Monty if I knew how

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:42, Reply)

I do like Bad Brains though.
Nothing bent about that lot.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Poor Badgerkins :(
Q: Not particularly
Alt: No, despite the hair, obsession with flipping everyone and everything off and mild anarchic tendencies.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Mild anarchic tendencies?
"Right, I'm going to protest about the general state of the country, and I'm going to do it RIGHT under the noses of Clegg and Cameron, outside the House of Commons. Right after I've had a lovely cup of tea and a biscuit".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:26, Reply)

Milder than that
I walk on the grass despite signs asking me not to.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:31, Reply)

YOU BASTARD!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Chear up or slit your wrists you emo
Q. Yes I bloody do
Alt. Q not since I was 19
( Peej, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Because I've already been done?
AND I got you a birthday present the first time I met you.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:37, Reply)