New thread due to complaints about the last one.
I have a customer called Audrey Harrison, clearly a Japanese boxer!!!!!!

I have nothing to say and no question - and I claim the 'Gonz's Worst Thread of the Month' award.

I'd like to thank God, my parents, Hitler and the Whitechapel Mosque. I love you all.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:27, 105 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I might get a fry up for lunch for no reason other than I had a salad for dinner.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Sounds like a good idea.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:29, Reply)

If I wasn't reasonably health conscious, I'd have a full English for every meal.
With chips.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:30, Reply)

I had a baguette with two burgers in it, an onion and a huge lump of blue cheese.
I think I'd better have a salad.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:30, Reply)

We're like Ying and Yang.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Giant Pandas?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Infertile and apathetic to sex.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:33, Reply)

no way will anyone here believe you are that dynamic in the sack, dude

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Regarding Hitler,
I've just been reading about the Gleiwitz incident. Sneaky buggers those Germans, eh?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Regarding Hitler
the little known Mike Nicholls film.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:32, Reply)

If by 'sneaky buggers' you mean 'fucking cool', then yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I hope this thread is more shit than the last one.
I think we should aim lower.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)

did you see the muzzers burning american flags and chanting slogans during the minute's silence on 9/11?
and then others chanting back at them: "not in my name!" and "if you want sharia law, go and live in saudi!"

and then the EDL screaming at both of them. daily mail had a field day. i thought the posters were going to explode with glee. urrrgh. it's just a tiny group of boys who want some drama!

you should burn a koran on the steps of said whitechapel mosque. see who comes and screams at you. i will bring a comfy chair and some popcorn...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)

I have an equally low view point of all religions

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:33, Reply)

My viewpoint is to each, their own.
Just don't tell me about it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Like cockrings.
/Lee Camp
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Or blow me up, or enforce your view point, or assuem that because you are religious your opnions matter more
or subjugate women, or drain resources or....
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:36, Reply)

OK, how about 'keep your religions the fuck away from me'?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:43, Reply)

it's the main thing that would put me off a prospective partner
if they were religious. i just couldn't get on board with that.

obviously i would also be put off by ugliness, chavviness and lack of funds, naturally /ac
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:36, Reply)

But not homosexuality, it seems.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:39, Reply)

many a true word is said in jest...
let's leave it there. before i bite you. and not in any sort of a good way.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Unless it was his god imploring him to board The Chutney Express

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I was wondering what time people were thinking of getting to your bash
as I'm pondering getting a train down in the evening rather than the afternoon.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Just turn up whenever.
We'll all be hiding from you anyway.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:34, Reply)

hiding from drawing on
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Kick off about 7ish.
I'm DJing all night bar an hour or so of a pal of mine so I'm going to be unable to socialise for most of the evening, which is a bit bent - or a blessed relief, depending on your viewpoint.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Well that's a bit crap.

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:36, Reply)

It is rather.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I'll Dj for an hour if you want.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Me too!
I'll bring my David Bowie collection. Everyone loves Spiders from Mars.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I wouldn't bring any stuff, I'd just put the songs monty brought on the decks in roughly alphabetical order
with a 2-3 second pause between tracks. And I'd talk over the tracks asking for beer from whoever is at the bar.
I'd also like to say "party people" at least once a track.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

You, sir, have got the job.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Don't forget to tell everyone to reach for the lasers

( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Safe as fuck

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

You can be my MC

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:49, Reply)

hardly seems worth going now

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Can't you just set up an iTunes playlist like the pros?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:36, Reply)

He can't work out where the needle arm on an iPod is.

( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:37, Reply)

His 7 incher won't fit in the card slot

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:41, Reply)

160GB?
But this record's a 45, it'll be much too fast!
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:49, Reply)

the bloke wants a second tattoo
he is thinking of getting a record needle to go down his arm.

what should i say to this?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

"Goodbye, your raging homo"?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

It's better than a unicorn spunking on a merman under a rainbow, which was his first choice

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:43, Reply)

lovely image
THANKS
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:45, Reply)

My pleasure
or to stick with the theme he could get a jack tattooed on his cock and you could get an input socket...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Probably NSFW
media.photobucket.com/image/gay+merman+tattoo+/EmmeMacDAWG/gay-mermen-tattoo.jpg
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:11, Reply)

His body so his decision.

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Put the needle on the record
Put the needle on the record
Put the needle on the record
And the drumbeat go like dis

Repeat until he changes his mind
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Is that revenge for me mentioning on a Ragga Tip the other day?
Cos that fucker has just got firmly lodged in my head now.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

I love that tune.
better still is Jah Screechie's 'Walk and Skank' from which it is taken. I have the 12" (ladies form a queue)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:51, Reply)

*leaps to the front*

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

it's really thin and brittle though
and it has a hole in the middle.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:56, Reply)

It's always about the girth though, ask anyone.

( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Mmmmm! girth.

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Just the needle?
He's getting a line tattooed onto his arm?
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)

That's what I was thinking.
I assume he meant the arm of a record player.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Still sounds shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)

He should get
a jar of Branston and a polecat on his arm.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

hahaha, in God's name why?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Chutney, and a ferret-like animal?


I've no idea.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:56, Reply)

He should get, right, a man, right, with a wheel barrow, right, and a spade
walking up some sort of implied gradient.

LOL
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I was thinking a man putting fudge into a box.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

The Thornton's logo
and 'despatch department' underneath it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:02, Reply)

ooh, I've got one, I've got one...
he should get 'GAY!' in massive letters, cos, you know, he's actually gay! LOLOLOLOLOL
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:05, Reply)

OH THIS 'FTW'
LOL
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:06, Reply)

He should get, right,
a jar of Marmite and a Morris Minor!!!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Or, right, a road. Like, a dual carriageway, or a motorway, right?
But the road's covered in Hershey's livery.

ROFL
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:03, Reply)

He should get two whole cricket teams tattooed and with a representation of him swapping teams so that he can bat for the other side

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Magnificent.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

needles are tiny
does he have really little arms?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Maybe she meant 'dick'

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

+ weak wrists

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I read that as "all night bar", and was about to rejoice.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

This sounds like an establishment of plausible deniability ...
"What, those Internetty people? God no, I'm just the DJ." &c. &c. Nice work there :-)
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)

'I just work here mate'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Are you coming to the bash?
My co-DJ is the MC5 film chap.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Cool - I shall factor that in

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I had cake for breakfast. Internet stereotype ahoy!
My mum made it for me. She wrapped it in foil and put a label on it that says "fruit cake for Andrew".

Presumably in case somebody broke into their house before I picked it up.
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Sounds like the time Darth visited you for your birthday

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Mum wrapped him in foil and stuck a label on his head, you mean?

( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

It's the lable that matters most

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:02, Reply)

You'd never have me stealing fruit cake
Can't stand the stuff.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Morning
Went on Nemesis several times yesterday, you were totally right, the rear seats are by far the best!
( Peej, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Me too, I can't fucking stand it when they have it for wedding cake of christmas cake.
The only point of it was that it lasts for months without going off, back in the old days, before they invented cold. It was a way of having lots of the summer's harvest in the winter.

Nobody 'likes' that shit, they just tell themselves they do. I like that sorren cake though, in the toaster, with lots of butter.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Lies
Fruit cake is pretty much the only cake I do like.
( Peej, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I had weetabix.
I put too much milk in and then it was... milky.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

My subthread wins Subthread of the Day.

( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

You
are a lucky internet person. I fell asleep for mine.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

I had Spicy Cashew nuts.
It says on the back of the bag 'Allergy Warning: May contain peanuts and other nuts and seeds'.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Fucking hell this sucks.
I'm having to do a training course on business ethics. BUSINESS ETHICS? I work on a fucking service desk!
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Business Ethnics?
What, like the Hinduja brothers?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:22, Reply)

that's oxymoronic even when it's not.
or something.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Yeah, to get us in line with the corruption act or something.
The photos are ridiculous. They look like something out of the Sun's photo comic montage thing in the "Dear Jane" section.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Coincidentally, I've just done an online anti-bribery course
It was fucking shit. I work in IT FFS, I have no dealings with the public (I suspect that both me and the public are very happy with that arrangement) and almost no contact with external organisations.

What is the fucking point?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:47, Reply)

hahahha, 'work'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Monty, I was thinking about ringing up Jeremy Kyle to sort out our situation.
I think he might help us create an interesting thread.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:26, Reply)

At the end of the day
At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:27, Reply)

You're another day older.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:30, Reply)

At the end of may

( Peej, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

On the end of my tray

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Most unlikely Jeremy Kyle program topic?

( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:28, Reply)

"I slept with Gonz from the internet... and I liked it".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:29, Reply)

"I'm happily married to the father of my legitimate children"

( Peej, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:37, Reply)

"Gonz kissed a girl... and she liked it"

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:38, Reply)