Well that was a a fun thread, wasn't it kiddywinks?
Tomorrow I am training 2 South Africans in how to do a very small part of what I do. I am being a good boy and preparing all the bits and bobs I will need.

When was the last time you had to teach somebody something?

Alt: When did somebody last teach you something

AltAlt: Teachers: Wonderful, undervalued members or society of lazy skivers with too many holidays and a dangerous left-wing bias

AltAltAlt: why is the thread, that someone has inevitably posted while I'm typing all this, better than mine?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:23, 128 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

AltAltAlt: because you're a dick

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:26, Reply)

Your getting less sophisticated in your insults
you should take the time to craft something more witty.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Brevity is the key to wit

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Really?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:32, Reply)

...as anyone who has been forced to endure
terminally unfunny cunt 'Eddie Izzard' rambling ON AND FUCKING ON, GOING NOWHERE, FOR FUCKING HOURS can attest.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Or spanky hanky's posts.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Who?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Your other login.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Wait, Piston is Spanky now?
I can't keep up with this anymore.
Is Plumdozer still Gonz or have we got bored with that?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Plumdozer was always Gonz
He just got tired of pretending to be dyslexic and so he came on as him self as well. Notice how they never post in the same thread.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:54, Reply)

who was it decided that i was shagging piston?
i blame kroney.

i think woodside really believes it. or just wants to believe it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

How many times.
I am not fucking Piston.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:20, Reply)

We know, Swipey is.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Wow
I knew she had a poor choice in men but... wow.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Don't you believe that that's his real name?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:46, Reply)

'Bill Clay' lolz

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:46, Reply)

I know that's the theory
but if it's accurate then Twitter should be a metric fuckload funnier than it actually is.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:49, Reply)

AltAltAlt: that is complete fucking gibberish.
Are you Taiwanese or something?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:26, Reply)

Whups.
Duely ninjad so it's what I meant to type, even if it still makes no sense.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:28, Reply)

That is what you MEANT to type? Blimey...

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:28, Reply)

It is now.
Blimey, not a good morning for me. Lucky I decided not to go into teaching, right folks?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:30, Reply)

What the fuck is that last sentence supposed to say?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:27, Reply)

it was based on the assumption that someone else would have started a better thread while I was typing
This, of course meant it never happened. I may also have had to ninja it twice to make it English.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Ha.
It does make sense now at least.

And I really am not one who should be criticising others for writing incomprehensible sentences, you should see how long it takes me to turn my stories into the barely comprehensible things that end up getting posted.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:44, Reply)

You should take a little more time.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Like, maybe a week?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:50, Reply)

I spent most of yesterday teaching my co-worker
how to do her fucking job. It's like she stuck her head in the microwave at the weekend since she was never terribly good but it's as if her entire skillset had been wiped clean.

*feels ulcer forming*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:30, Reply)

I have an ulcer about the size of a large garden pea on the inside of my lip
I suspect it's AIDS tbh
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:32, Reply)

It's probably just tiredness.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Not really - it's deffo AIDS.

LOL.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

People are constantly teaching me
that I am absolutely 100% right to think that most people are complete retards.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:31, Reply)

something something something Wonga.com

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:32, Reply)

*takes credit*

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:33, Reply)

*is unable to get credit*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:34, Reply)

*feels a complex mixture of smugness and sympathy*

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Very true.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I had to train a work experience lad how to confirm check digits were correct.
That job was as dull as he is, I'm so fucking glad he's gone.

Alt: My brother taught me the use of researching a company before an interview, I think it made me look good last week.

AltAlt: Wonderful, undervalued members. Anyone who seems to think that teachers only work when they're at school are sadly mistaken. When my Dad taught, he'd regularly work until 9-10 at night.

AltAltAlt: Your premonition didn't work.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:32, Reply)

in my experience good teachers are few and far between
the ability to enthuse grumpy teenagers about a chamical reaction/the movement of tectonic plates/ the writings of Dickens is a huge skill and one very few teachers possess. Team this with an education system designed to allow children to pass exams, not to revel in the enjoyment of learning and you have an uninspiring system that doesn't work for enough children.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Didn't work for you obviously.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Plus they should also teach the correct spelling of 'chemical'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:36, Reply)

meh, typos

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:39, Reply)

no, no your not, aloud typo's on hear, its only; because your thick, innit

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:41, Reply)

I make Bobby look like Stephen Hawking

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:44, Reply)

You put him in a wheelchair?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:45, Reply)

And kicked the fuck out of his voice box

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:46, Reply)

altaltalt because you're a complete spastic.
Edit: old news
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:38, Reply)

I teach something new to my team every day
Computer complexities FTW.

Teachers do work hard. Mrs Cow is always having to put work together on a night, work on her days off and over the "holidays".
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Conversely my father had 6 months off a year
during which he was free to indulge his deranged scientific interests and to embarrass his sons by starting conversations with earnest-looking outdoorsy types half the way up freezing Welsh mountains.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:45, Reply)

First lesson I ever learnt
from B3ta after asking for help with photshoppery.

bit.ly/9C4T3
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:42, Reply)

A useful tip that.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:44, Reply)

The second lesson was
when I eventually posted the link first time myself, don't believe people who say the link doesn't work. They are lying.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Ahh, I missed a trick there.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

You have lern ned

( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Yes I have, oh mighty Daz.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

I had to correct a colleague on the spelling of the word "imbecile".

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:44, Reply)

I hope you hit him on the head as you said each letter

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Hitting someone six
times on the head is a bit much.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Bollocks.
Use a fucking hammer next time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:50, Reply)

There's a plan.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

as the other half of a teacher,
I'm duty bound to say that they're extremely hard working. But they do get too much holiday. My boyfriend had so much time off this summer he even got bored of Fifa.
(DeeDee, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:50, Reply)

I find international sport governing bodies quite dull too.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

God me too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Is that why he was shagging that bird from the pub all that time?

Oops, sorry to be the bearer etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

the women round are way aren't birds
more like hogbeasts. I knew we shouldn't move so close to landfills and power stations
(DeeDee, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Gammon
(Game On)
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Dick and Dom: In Da Battenburg

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:58, Reply)

spotted dick and dom would have been better
shame on you
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:00, Reply)

i have just seen all your cruel comments about raging homo's on the previous thread
YOU ALL SUCK

i have to teach my trainee daily. the new one is only 2 days old. she needs a lot of teaching.

my boss has to teach me daily. sometimes he thinks i am about 2 days old.

teachers - my mum, grandparents, brother, cousin... all teachers.

altaltalt: because you touch yourself at night.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

I'm amazed she can do much more than shit herself and cry at two days old.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

we're not all "academics" darling
some of us have hard-core jobs...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Whoa, hang on
are you saying some people burst into this world as fully-formed lawyers? Fucking hell. Scary.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:06, Reply)

no, i was saying she was a "2 day old lawyer". not a 2 day old person.
but your interpretation is better.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:07, Reply)

pssst. I had realised that. I was "trying some comedy"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:11, Reply)

well, best for all of us that you don't, eh?
save the comedy for your pink socks...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Oh, those aren't comedy
Those are deadly serious.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:15, Reply)

comedy is in the eye of the beholder

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Does the fact that I didn't join in make me more likely to get rebound nookie when it all ends as we know it will?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

no
if and when this one ends, i am taking holy orders
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

priests prefer boys, though.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Oh well, as long as no one else is getting any either....

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:04, Reply)

be fair
most of us were questioning his odd choice of tattoo rather than his sexual pecadillos.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:02, Reply)

I have no interest in his peculiar pets, myself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

hmmmmm
for every tattoo, there will be someone who thinks it is an odd choice!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:06, Reply)

I thought you despised tattoos?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:07, Reply)

i do
and piercings. but it's his body, i can only smile sweetly. i can't quite get on board with the nipple ring either........
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:12, Reply)

make him lift weights with it.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

my watch did once forget it was there when giving him a massage
seems i should have taken it off first... my comment of "is the strap ok, it's a gucci" was not taken in the spirit it was intended......
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:14, Reply)

+prostate
+on
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I didn't even have to pause to see where those went

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Guggi strap-on
to go with the Louis Vitton marble and onyx fisting plinth?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:42, Reply)

He's the one who sucks.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:02, Reply)

you can be cruel
so cruel
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

I'm trying to help you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:09, Reply)

humph
men! why are you soooo hard to understand?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

It is hard to understand the nature and intentions of your superiors.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

huh?
i'm not a nun yet...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:15, Reply)

If you went anywhere near a convent, you'd probably spontaneously combust.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:16, Reply)

She couldn't do it anyway
There's no brand of uniform for Nuns.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:19, Reply)

True.
She could look in Habitat though.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:21, Reply)

*golf claps*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:38, Reply)

me?
why? 80 year old whiskery minge that hasn't been touched for 60 years is not likely to do it for me.

it'd be like peeling apart a cheese toastie.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Like so?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:35, Reply)

We're very straightforward.
Apart from your chap, who is frequently bentforward.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:20, Reply)

arrrrgh
not gay not gay not gay....

mostly
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Hahahah
It was the late, very great Joseph Goebbels who once said 'If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes true'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Just let him do you up the wrong'un
it's the only way to keep him.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:36, Reply)

Is this one allowed bacon?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

no
but luckily his dad is muslim so he's never been allowed it and doesn't know what he's missing!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:05, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1351232
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:09, Reply)

I wonder do teenage Muslims
sneak into the fields at night and devour whole hams in acts of teenage recklessness.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Whoa ,, where do you live?
If there are fields full of whole hams I want some of that..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Ham-shire?
Paging The Truth Fairy.
And leaving the internet.... now.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

what the gibbering fuck are you on about?

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Shit food puns are not your department, then?
Or are you merely too cretinous to realise that this was what he was driving at?

So:

a) you're not funny or
b) you're monumentally thick

Which?

Clear enough now?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 13:05, Reply)

Don't forget the sausages.
And the bacon rubbers.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:11, Reply)

I'm teaching someone now to use a PC.
He's never used one in his life, so ot's "this is a mouse, sort of thing. Quite satisfying, if a little tiring and frustrating.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Wait until you get to left/right click.
That will be tremendous fun.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:08, Reply)

We're not that advanced yet.
Good on the guy though, he's in his sixties.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:10, Reply)

So what you're saying here is that he's only been around computers
for thirty years at work, home computers for twenty five, the internet for fifteen but since he's only now working out how to use a mouse, we shoudl think he's doing a great job?

WRONG
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:14, Reply)

It can happen.
And believe it or not there are jobs which don't require computers. Say for example, gardening.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:17, Reply)

After this amount of time it's because they're scared of them or stupid
or both.
( Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Scared pretty much, he's picking it up quick for 2 sessions.
He worked as a labourer.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:19, Reply)

My Mum has only recently got 'online' she had no need to previously

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Is she not getting enough business from putting her cards in phone boxes these days?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:22, Reply)

nah, all you get is dirty old men with no money
/monty
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:24, Reply)

*'fair cop guv' face*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:32, Reply)

I taught my 2nd years on monday
that the lectures they thought they'd be having on monday and tuesday weren't, in fact, happening. That confused them.

luckily for them, teaching is only a fairly small part of my work, otherwise they'd all be fucked.

I don't get too many holidays. I barely get any holidays I can actually take.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)