OH my cunting goodness!
it's only a freaking GENIE!

Genie says "make a wish RIGHT NOW, otherwise I eat your legs. You can be anything or anyone for a whole day...I'm a clever genie, but limited."


What're you gonna do, lamprubber?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 15:54, 128 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Have you considered venturing outside at all this year?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:05, Reply)

i went to morrisons, earlier
and was outside for at least 30 seconds to get from the car to the shop and back.

you?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Who unpacked your mobility scooter?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:21, Reply)

the nice young man in the shop
I pinched his ass and cackled as he did so, and I'm sure he smiled as he flicked away a chunk of chundered carrot from his lips
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:25, Reply)

omfg i am lolling all the fuck over this, i lolled so hard my roomate asked why i was lolling and so i told her and she lolled too

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:28, Reply)

sit up straight then

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:30, Reply)

:/

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:31, Reply)

Weirdo.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:35, Reply)

what is wrong with you retards this morning? i was laughing at your post.

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:45, Reply)

i think all the boys here have synchronised
their periods
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Full stops.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:51, Reply)

That's what I find weird.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:49, Reply)

lamprubber sounds like an amazing insult
I'd definitely be angelina jolie and then I would talk up how awesome this girl from virginia named Kristine is and so when I was no longer angelina jolie I could still be famous and people wpuld pay me for being awesome
( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:31, Reply)

You could join N-Dubz for the day.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:35, Reply)

this is some good planning
doesn't that mean you get to shag that famous guy, too...the one that isn't JOhnny Depp?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:37, Reply)

Who would you be?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:39, Reply)

you haven't answered yet, either you know?
I'm not sure, a musician of some kind, preferably on a day when they are performing (providing I get their talent), or someone proper pretty and famous just to see how other people react to them.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:45, Reply)

I'm already awesome.
Being anyone else wouldn't be as much fun.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:51, Reply)

would you not even be curious
to be a woman for a day?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:02, Reply)

i dont really care about that
I'm all about self promotion

If I couldn't do that then I would probably be al for a day
( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:44, Reply)

Is that for the pies?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:45, Reply)

to see what it's like to be a bullying genius for a day

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Is work any better this week?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:50, Reply)

yeah thanks

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:53, Reply)

What's this new work?
See what you miss when you don't pay attention.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:04, Reply)

more like what YOU miss
Actually I don't think I've told anyone, just working in a clothing shop
( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:14, Reply)

What sort of clothing shop?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:16, Reply)

That's what I meant
But it's work, yeah? And it pays, even if it's maybe not much.

Well done.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:16, Reply)

yeah tell that too my bills

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:43, Reply)

*Gets on the phone*
Mr Clinton? Oh good! I was just calling you because Kristine want us to report that she has a job and whilst it wasn't want she really wanted, she is happy enough at the moment.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:50, Reply)

if you were me, then would I be you?
Would our unfulfilled lust for each other be cruelly reversed across the atlantic but still left hanging in the ether?
(Bazongaloid, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:05, Reply)

this is probabl the most awesome thing ive ever read

( Lisette von Falcon, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:15, Reply)

I'd be someone not suffering a huge comedown.
I was supposed to go back to Newcastle this morning but there was fucking no chance I was sitting on a packed train for three hours. I'd have sat there crying the whole time.
On the plus I reckon I can go back out again in a couple hours, get one more night out of London whilst I have the chance.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:55, Reply)

but was it fun?
tell me of the outside world, young one
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:01, Reply)

It was bloody mint.
Although slightly hampered by the fact my mate's girlfriend had her handbag nicked, she's off to India this evening on a humanitarian something or other, what a nightmare and what a cunt that thief is eh?
But I won't dwell on the negatives, when this song came on last night it was great to see literally everyone smiling and having just an amazing time. It's not hard to see why, it's amazing; youtu.be/99jHPfkZX3Y
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:06, Reply)

You are everything
that is wrong with young people
(Bazongaloid, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:02, Reply)

yeah, us old people
can feel like shit without your fancy drugs
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:05, Reply)

The ages of the people who attended last night were hugely varied I'm afraid, I can't take the brunt of all your criticism.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:09, Reply)

I'd be Arthur Askey or Douglas Bader
Cop for that, leg eating genie!

(Edit - or Sooty.)
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:58, Reply)

are you saying you want to either be dead
or have some dudes hand up your arse?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:01, Reply)

It was more about the lack of lower limbs
Such that threats of leg eating would be irrelevant, y'see...
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:03, Reply)

i did not realise those guys didn't have legs

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:05, Reply)

Did you think that Sooty had legs, then?
He's not a real bear, you know.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:08, Reply)

whhhaaaa???

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:10, Reply)

No
See, if he was a real bear he'd have bitten Harry Corbert's head off rather than squirting him in the eye with a water pistol.

That's how zookeepers and them can tell between bears and glove puppets - chuck 'em a water pistol and see what they do.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:14, Reply)

Alright TD
There is a new HMHB album out tomorrow.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:15, Reply)

Is there indeed?
You'll note a slight nod in their direction above.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:17, Reply)

How has your weekend been?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:19, Reply)

Well I've had my first professional complaint this weekend
Now I know I'm a jobbing cowboy masquerading as a "so called expert." Straight onto my insurers tomorrow.

Yourself - you old get? I hope you've drunk a lot and feel sorry for yourself.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:24, Reply)

Oooh. Did someone make a complaint about the work you do.
Or did you make a complaint about something else?

I did get older. I did drink too much and I'm going to get a take-out this evening as I can't be fucked with cooking this evening.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:27, Reply)

Complaint against me
It was, as an American gumshoe might say, trouble from the moment I answered the phone.

Anyway - commendable drinking on your part.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:32, Reply)

Thanks very much!
Was it a justified complaint or just some chancer who it trying to stich you up?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:33, Reply)

She thinks it's justified
I am an independent provider of objective reports. I'd already bent that one to the elastic limits of objectivity on her insistence.

There's a difference between an independent expert and a gun for hire that she fails to understand.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:38, Reply)

In other news.
I've just had a toffee crisp.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:41, Reply)

You've really not put a foot wrong all weekend have you?
You're handling this ageing process impeccably, if I might say so.

Now answer me this - should I go to the boozer to watch the cricket?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:45, Reply)

Of course you should go to the pub to watch the cricket.
In fact. You should go to the pub, watch the cricket and have a few pints. You might also enjoy a bit of food when you're there. I'd suggest maybe a ploughman's. A ploughman's with maybe a few cold cuts added in or a pork pie. or both.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:48, Reply)

A ploughman's lunch? At teatime? Get away with you!
Not that easy round here because the only pub that televises cricket is the Thornhill and the next bus to the Thornhill is tomorrow morning.

May be TMS for me.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:56, Reply)

Of course you could use the money saved by not going to the pub
on getting Sky Sports.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:59, Reply)

Sky is on the agenda - or similar.
I've only been able to watch BBC1 and BBC2 since May because my aerial blew over and can't pick anything else up, and aerial fitters won't go on my roof without scaffolding.

I'm not overly worried. I can sometimes get ITV if it's not too windy.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 18:04, Reply)

A version of myself where evey little thing about me was just a little bit better
To see which bits would actually make me happier by improving them.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:18, Reply)

This is far too sensible a reply.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:27, Reply)

but one we should all file away for future reference
if such a genie existed
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 18:56, Reply)

Not a genie as such
But a manifestation of post modern man on the shoulder, in the manner of the old devil and angel of old time cartoons.

Angel whispers "here are your achievements, your abilities, your potentials".

Demon whispers "look at him, he's better than you."

More or less the only commandment worth thinking about is avarice these days.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:26, Reply)

i like this

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:34, Reply)

To be able to be irrisistable to any women I want when I want.
Just think what I could do with that kind of power, I'd never have to pay for anything ever again.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 18:26, Reply)

I think you need the money first Gonz
viz:- Peter Stringfellow.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 18:29, Reply)

OH damn
I just remembered, I had a really disturbing wet dream last night that I was getting a blowjob from richard o'brian dressed as a goblin =S
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 18:48, Reply)

i just done an explosive lol at that
!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 18:55, Reply)

What worries me most about this, Gonz, is not the dream and its contents so much
but the fact that you're capable of forgetting it. It's as if you've had worse and this wasn't really all that in the long line of fucked up wet dreams you've had, as though the horror of it is not something that should be indelibly burned into the backs of your retinae.

Because it is, Gonz. It is.

The thought of Reckless Rick dressed up like a goblin with your tumescent member popping in and out of his grasping gob should be something you wake up screaming to in the small of the night, grasping your sweaty, spunky sheets around you in terror, the reflected shame of which you see in the faces of passers-by. But not your brain, no, your brain's all like "psh, whatever dude, that was nothing, you should have seen what was sucking me off last week!"
( Kroney, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:18, Reply)

It's certainly burned on mine.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:23, Reply)

Fucking tell me about it.
As if that man's not creepy enough already.
( Kroney, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:24, Reply)

I spent all day making something that tells everyone when I poo or piss on facebook =S

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:24, Reply)

Try it.
www.coll3ctive.co.uk/boglog/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:24, Reply)

Why ever would I want to do that?

( Kroney, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:25, Reply)

for the lolz

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:28, Reply)

Oh, Gonz

( Kroney, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:29, Reply)

it says it doesn't have permission to publish actions

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:20, Reply)

Oh damn it, perms always fuck me up

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:22, Reply)

When I read that on my little phone screen, while half asleep
I thought you and Jeff were Gonz and Rory.

I'd be a genie, so I could grant myself more wishes. I'd be a bloody good genie, too. Better than you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:12, Reply)

What do you mean?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:14, Reply)

Cavy's first post was all 'gee gosh wow'
and your reply was all 'is that your chips? mind if I just piss on them?'
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:20, Reply)

mmmm chips

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:22, Reply)

chips piss
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:28, Reply)

Rather glad I didn't go to the boozer now Jeff.
What the hell must Bresnan be thinking? Swann is there to roll him in as a viable Strauss sub as captain.

Bresnan? It's like putting a prefect in with the junior class. I suppose again it's bedding him in.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:36, Reply)

Fine bit of Colourblind James Experience on 6 right now
The only band I know that do a xzylophone solo.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:31, Reply)

ah, I had it on, but I'd sort of
phased out a bit, so I missed it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:33, Reply)

eh, what?
my spelling is fine and I'm not that mean
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:16, Reply)

I just read your name as "Arch Bishop", I think your name is a pun on that now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:27, Reply)

So your gonzism extends to reading as well as spelling...

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:31, Reply)

I'm watching The Darling Buds of May.
ROCK ON!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:34, Reply)

Perfick!
We're watching last night's Borgias. It's rather good.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:40, Reply)

I'm going to watch something else in a bit.
But it depends what's on.

with news that exciting it's a wonder how I cope.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:42, Reply)

Antiques Roadshow will be on in a minute.
You might see something you recognise.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:48, Reply)

You're getting me confused with PD!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:49, Reply)

....James?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:53, Reply)

No!
Dozer, the resident Fiona Bruce fan.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:55, Reply)

keep your hands off her.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:04, Reply)

Do you know where she is tonight?
Do you??
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:13, Reply)

yes I do.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:17, Reply)

Still in your basement is my guess.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:18, Reply)

Hey, b3th.
Wanna play 'guess the price' for the shite they'll be valuing on AR?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:53, Reply)

Can't, I'm afraid
I'm just about to throw on a 'face' and head out to the pub.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:55, Reply)

Oooh.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Pub quiz night. All comers welcome.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:57, Reply)

It sounds more like a wank-fest than a meeting of minds.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:58, Reply)

Don't think I'd get there in time sadly

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:02, Reply)

Isn't there an Abbey Road toilet roll rejected by the Beatles?

(888777555, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:00, Reply)

What am looking for?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:01, Reply)

A heavy drinking Bristol City supporting lass with low standards and a high tolerance for puns.

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:04, Reply)

See, I've been putting that in lonely hearts ads.
Do you think I'm being too picky? On the basis that I wouldn't take clunge to football, I'm thinking I might leave that bit out, and change it for, 'enthusuastic ironer'.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:07, Reply)

Ironing is so passe these days
Enthusiastic shagger?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:10, Reply)

Again, that might be a bit specific.
I think I'll change thing the advert to include 'all breast sizes considered'.

That should have women beating a path to my door.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:17, Reply)

44GG mommas included then?
Meanwhile England Paperboys XI are struggling to contain WI Paperboys XI.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:25, Reply)

Christ.
We've lost another wicket.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:47, Reply)

is it behind the sofa?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:48, Reply)

Thanks Captain.
*FOUND IT!*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:48, Reply)

here to help

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:50, Reply)

ASDA.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:51, Reply)

That's another wicket gone.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Not sure if it matters Jeff.
I've given up on this.

I feel sorry for Bresnan but he's just got his central contract so probably has no choice.

County 20/20 is better than this.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:55, Reply)

At least you've not spent money going to the pub.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 20:57, Reply)

Oh fuck!
Of this lot, I reckon Bairstow and Borthwick to get into the big boys team. That's it.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:01, Reply)

Still, there is a new HMHB album out tomorrow.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:02, Reply)

So you've told me
This isn't real cricket, after all.

Big boys need to look forward and maybe we are. I already have money on Swann as next captain after Strauss in the real game.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:06, Reply)

And that's another gone.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:06, Reply)

well at least that means it will be over quicker

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Kids playing kids
It's our future, it's their future.

This isn't real, so stop trying to wind me up.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:10, Reply)

Guess what....

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:13, Reply)