horrible dilemmas
ask the nastiest things you can think of and get people to choose. eg: would you rather lick teasingly at a genital wart or eat a fried egg off a nun's chuff?

answer, then ask your own question. bonus points for the most disgustingly depraved suggestions.

alt: have you ever gone commando? why?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:46, 105 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

No
Yes
( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:47, Reply)

just because you have no imagination
or because you are too scared of what you will reveal.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:48, Reply)

I have nothing to reveal.
I am an open book. A picture book.
( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:49, Reply)

A pamphlet on STD's

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:49, Reply)

haha
and i bet he's got leprosy. it's rife in uxbridge.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Did you know that bells were not put on Lepers to tell others to keep away, it was to encourage people to approach, and give them money?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Don't tie them on too tight though...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

The egg, definitely.
In fact, I'd pay for that privilege.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Can I have soldiers?
alt: yes, because becasue it was coammndo Saturday and pants would result in a massiv wedgie

/public school lols
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Would you rather
Nosh off your dad and let him cum in your mouth having not washed his cock for a month, or eat out you mum when she's on her period?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:49, Reply)

the former
definitely

fucking gross though it is, the other is just..... urrrrgh
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Whilst I will state now that neither is appealing
it's only a bit of blood. I mean, you put your finger in your mouth when you get a papercut, don't you?
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:54, Reply)

it's going down on your MOTHER
the blood is just the foul icing on the grossest of cakes, girl.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Well yes, but also going down on your FATHER
is hardly better.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Have you seen her dad? He's HOT

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:58, Reply)

well, compared to my lovely mum
who died nearly 6 years ago. i'm thinking that would bring a whole new dimension to the original choice.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:02, Reply)

You get used to it after a while
/Elisabeth Fritzl
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Would you rather rim your mother, or your father?
Neither have wiped their arse in over a week.

Alt: I went through a stage of doing it. There was an entertaining freedom in walking round, knowing that you were only a zip malfunction away from displaying your spam javelin to the world.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:51, Reply)

haha
i read your second sentence as a continuation to the first, then. eeeow!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Spam Javelin lols.
How's you this morning frock boy?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Not too shabby thanks fella, yourself?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Yeah, all good mate.
How's Macc today? I is currently on the North East coast, it's sunny, I'm going to the beach soon, to eat candy floss and olives, And maybe a few vinos.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Not too bad, the weather outside is quite nice for once.
Ahh, enjoying the weather where you are then?

I was quite pleased last night, one of the questions at the pub quiz was 'Which captain is the singer of The Damned?', and I managed to get it right.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:07, Reply)

Sensible?
Actually asking, not 100% sure
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Yep

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Well I've picked a particularly fine time to make my return, haven't I
I've obviously missed some Monty-baiting...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

shut up and answer the question!
/anne robinson
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

*experiences fleeting moment of glory*
No.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Good choice.
I always think people who post these questions get some sick joy out of the idea of being forced to rim their father.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Luckily for Swipe I usually shy away from making unkind assertions about people's parents
but let's assume you're right
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

I didn't mean Swipe as much as Monty
although I wouldn't put it past swipe, she's filth.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:00, Reply)

That's why we like her

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Indeed.
What was that gig you were going to in Camden again?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:06, Reply)

Sunday 9th
Doors are at 7, my choices of coach will arrive at either 4pm or 6pm. Am waiting to find out who the support is before booking, if it's Straftanz again I'll get in at 6 as I can afford tog et to the venue at 8.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:08, Reply)

OK, well I can make it up there between by 6 with a little luck, probably if you still fancy a pint.
Gaz me if this turns out to be worthwhile and we can exchange phone numbers and other gay shit.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Christ, you might have to tell me your REAL NAME
It'd be like we were in a relationship
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:14, Reply)

It's Martin, oddlyenough.
I'm 36 and a software analyst from Norwood.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Fucking hell
What were the chances of that?

Seriously, I'm asking.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Ziggy calculates the chances to be quite high
He says there is a 65% chance that you leaped here in order to be shown alternative versions of yourself in order to keep yourself in check.
He doesn't understand why you started accusing yourself of being gay though...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:38, Reply)

I like this post a lot

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:43, Reply)

About as high as the chances of any of it being true.
Or of me divulging my actual name on the internet.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Too late
You shall forever be known as Old Martin
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:42, Reply)

tru dat

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Every one know how I feel about nuns by now...
Bugger, I'll go and delete my weak effort.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Actually, no I won't.
I spent ages typing that shit, this thread promises to be disgusting and people can always ignore mine, shit as it is.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Depends if the fried egg is runny and whether you'd have to lick the yolk off afterwards
that stuff is sticky. Also, age of the nun etc.

Yes. Hasn't everyone? Sometimes you just can't be bothered with pants or can't find a clean pair. I have, in one of my more classy moments, taken my pants off during a night out and whispered 'I'm not wearing any pants, shall we go home?' to my other half. I wasn't remotely interested in any no-pants action, I just wanted to leave the club and go to bed. I fell asleep on him in the taxi.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Did he wake you up by slapping you around the face with his cock?
he probably should have done.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:53, Reply)

No, he whined and complained so much when we got home
that I had to give him a half hearted nosh just to get him to shut the fuck up so I could go back to sleep.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

If he whined about it, you should have ignored him.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Yes, I should have
but I knew it wouldn't take long and it was the easiest way to shut him up.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

sharp blow behind the ear with a heavy item should be the easiest way to shut him up..

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Either he went off like a volcano
or you give spectacular head
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:00, Reply)

The former in this case sadly
although the latter as well of course.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Of course
There is no way for me to continue this conversation without looking like a colossal pervert, sadly
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:04, Reply)

and that stops people on here, does it?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Ha, this.

(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:08, Reply)

I try to keep my colossal perversity to texts
Obviously I don't always succeed, as you know better than most
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Keep it going Darth
I'm almost there
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:14, Reply)

*offers MYSTERY PRIZE for first tit-gaz*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:15, Reply)

i bet it worked like a charm on him, though
like when i confessed to having couriered a pair of pants to the bloke, even vipros had to admit it would work on him if his missus did it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:54, Reply)

He was due a ball-and-chain attachment operation recently wasn't he?
I assume that's why he's not about
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Yeah, that and his new job.
he has been on briefly, I believe it all went well.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Good to hear
Thank you. I sent him a message on FB on what I hope was the right day. Never replied. As if he had anything better to do.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

New job and that.

( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:58, Reply)

*rips open outer envelope*
*peels away inner glue sealant*
*realises it's not glue*
*voms*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Was it delivered in one of these?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Yeah, I think if I ever had to go away for a few weeks I might try that
it'd either go very well, or very badly.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:00, Reply)

i hadn't been seeing him very long
so i suggested it half-jokingly and it went down so well that i actually did it. i wouldn't have done it out of the blue just in case.

you might get the odd guy who thinks you're a weirdo. but my honest view is that most guys would be thrilled, mostly by the effort, but also by the naughtiness.

guys??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Depends if they'd fit me.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:06, Reply)

It would at least get points for effort.
I can't see it being a bad thing.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:07, Reply)

How are things going with him?
did you resolve the weirdness?
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:09, Reply)

friday we are going to alton towers then out for dinner
sunday we are going to an all day boat party rave and then out for dinner

i'll let you know after that...!

in the meantime, i have kind of clocked someone new. so there is a plan b...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Please do not refer to me as that badly-shaven vole in a suit

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:18, Reply)

arf arf

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:31, Reply)

This bloke of yours enjoys running, grooming and - apparently - bumming
Therefore I am very obviously your type
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:37, Reply)

There are raves in the daytime?
are you still bashing it up on Saturday though?
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:22, Reply)

i think so!
you and amberl are still staying regardless, although i need you to bring sleeping bags as my flatmate now has her parents over from the states, so you'll both be in my room with me! (i do have a campbed)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Ah cool, thank you :)
I had better behave myself then, so I don't end up lurching out of your bedroom and being sick on someone.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:36, Reply)

I believe Amberl takes a couple of hammocks everywhere with her

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Hur hur

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:37, Reply)

you can choke like that

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:55, Reply)

haha, nice.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

100% Nunny, Eggy Goodness.
Would you rather: 1) Fellate an angry bear to the point of his vinegar strokes, at which time you leave him with blue bear balls and the rage of an angry (and now sexually frustrated) bear while covered in honey or 2) Masturbate furiously using only a picture of Anne Widdecombe as inspiration.

alt: Yes. I don't like it.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:55, Reply)

well, who doesn't do the second one every night?
and sometimes in the morning?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

I sometimes have a quick 'Anne' at lunchtime, just to keep my eye in.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:57, Reply)

An "anne frank" ?
rhyming slang for the quietest wank in history?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:59, Reply)

:O

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

World's most dangerous danger wank.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Neither, frankly
Alt: Of course - Several times to avoid fines after uni hockey games when I realised my undergarments would break club rules, and on at least one occasion when I haven't been prepared to hang around long enough to locate them "the morning after"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:56, Reply)

The walk of shame
with extra shame?
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Something like that.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:03, Reply)

you're a respectable boring middle-aged married man
you never had a sex life. least of all a wild and crazy slutty one.

remember?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Course I am, yeah, how could I forget?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Alzheimers
At a guess
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Oh, come on. Who hasn't done both of those things already?

So, would you rather be with someone stunning who absolutely adored you and would do anything to please you, but never have sex again, OR be with someone ugly and frankly unpleasant to be around, but who gave you screaming orgasms any time you wanted?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Er...
If they'd do ANYTHING to please you...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:19, Reply)

Willing is not the same as able.

(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:21, Reply)

anything non-sexual.
I think it's more of a girly question than a bloke question to be honest. I imagine most men could see past absolutely anything if it involved them getting a bit of clunge.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Depends on the quality of clunge
Some of us are well picky, thank you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Yeah, I've DEFINITELY noticed that about men.
Especially at closing time.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:28, Reply)

I see your point
Nonetheless it does not apply to all of us.

Just almost all of us.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:38, Reply)

*high fives*

( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Obviously a specimen of physical perfection such as yourself can afford to be picky

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:40, Reply)

You've accidentally replied to Kroney instead of me here babe

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:43, Reply)