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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Macchu Picchu!
I was out last night and there was a young snot who had recently been traveling who insisted telling everyone all about it, unbidden. I was an awful cunt and said I'd been everywhere he had but I did it all better.

Have you travelled? Where you been?

Alt: have you five skinned anyone because they were getting on your tits?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:17, 168 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Alt: you won't believe this, and who could blame you
But I broke a bloke's nose once after he tried it on with me.

That's not WHY I hit him, I hit him because he replied to my protestations of having a girlfriend by saying "yeah but I've seen a picture of her and she's a complete donkey".

Ex-girlfriend, obviously.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:23, Reply)
Nice arrows.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:25, Reply)
Was your ex a right swamp donkey?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:26, Reply)
That's probably a little harsh but she was no stunner
Back then I was just grateful she had a pulse
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:28, Reply)
why were you showing him pictures of her, by the way?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:30, Reply)
Had one in my wallet
I say "wallet", I obviously mean "back of dubious magazine". Blacked out the number though. Didn't want to end up custard cousins.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Custard cousins.
*spews*
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Heard that from a gay

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:37, Reply)
You drinks the custard.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:42, Reply)
or you gets the hose.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:45, Reply)
Surely that should be "He rubs the custard on his face ..."

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:13, Reply)
You could have at least conformed to stereotype and slapped him instead.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:28, Reply)
Haha!
Bitch slapped.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:30, Reply)
If you'd spent the previous four hours drinking in this bloke's company
you'd have fucking punched him too
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:35, Reply)
How do you break somebody's nose by beating feebly against their chest and squealing "you beast you beast you beast you beast !"?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:32, Reply)
+ horrid

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:33, Reply)
That qualifies as foreplay.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:33, Reply)
It's working for me.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Accident

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Adamantium palms
And VERY well-developed wrists
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Your prints were charming

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:36, Reply)
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:38, Reply)
Not on here

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:39, Reply)
Prince Charming.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:40, Reply)
*golf clap*
Is there a prize for being slower on the uptake than me? Don't suppose it's come up before
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:43, Reply)
Come up.
Titters
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:45, Reply)
He thought you were a woofter because your GF was a munter?
I'm confused.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:33, Reply)
*flutters eyelids at confused bloke*

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:34, Reply)
You are trying to come out this week, aren't you?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:36, Reply)
I am well gay and everything.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:42, Reply)
*Confusion level increases*
*Contemplates early lunch*
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:37, Reply)
He didn't think I was a woofter, he knew I had a girlfriend
but was trying it on anyway
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:37, Reply)
This isn't helping
So you were boffing a minger and he therefore concluded that you wouldn't mind boffing a bloke?

I'd ask to see his working.

working etchings
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:40, Reply)
Right, it goes like this;
Met friends for booze at Uni bar. Met this bloke for he first time that day. Much beer consumed. He then tries it on, I say no (seriously, I did), he asks why, I respond "because I have a girlfriend", he answers as described above, I punch him. The end.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:44, Reply)
Amen brother.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:47, Reply)
I'm still surprised at myself, I'd never raised my fists in anger save the odd playground scuffle
He was a scrawny fucker which I think helped
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:51, Reply)
Bully!
You can't beat a bit of bully.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:57, Reply)
well, every hole's a goal.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:44, Reply)
It really isn't.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:46, Reply)
well, it is, but some goals are not necessarily any good.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:48, Reply)
Tell that to the RSPCA when they come a-calling
Killjoys.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:48, Reply)
Every vole's a goal

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:49, Reply)
bestiality's best, boys.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:49, Reply)
Every veal's a goal.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:50, Reply)
This is going to look well confusing
l t
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:53, Reply)
Surreal

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:54, Reply)
Don't mention goals
Sore topic round my way. Even more sore than my hole, before you say it
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:49, Reply)
I bet your hole is sore.
Scuze me, you said not to mention it.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:51, Reply)
You're posting drunk again old boy

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:56, Reply)
Yes I am.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:57, Reply)
You know how I can tell?
You haven't mentioned Billy Elliot yet
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:00, Reply)
Tappa tappa tappa

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:03, Reply)
SELF ABSORBED POST IS SELF ABSORBED....
.... I was watching Regionald D Hunter's stand up on the way in, proper lol'ing all the way.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:51, Reply)
Self absorbed?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:52, Reply)
Yeah', where I don't listen to anything in the thread and just talk about whatever I want to talk about. I do that sometimes.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:56, Reply)
I generally start to join in later ontough

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:57, Reply)
*looks forward to later*
How's the flat? Have you got all your new stuff in?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:59, Reply)
Totally awesome thanks =D
It's a proper pad, nice and lush, suites me down to the ground =D
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:12, Reply)
nice sofa pun

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:13, Reply)
Good man.
An Englishman's home is his castle.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:14, Reply)
Have you heard Proffesor [something or other, the posh hip hop guy] 's song "Spelended" ?
That's me at the mo !
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:26, Reply)
0o0o0o0h, and I think a girl likes me, for real this time, me ! AND SHE'S A DOCTOR ! I should note though that I've never seen her in a medical way.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:27, Reply)
IF I was a chick, you'd all be hating all up on me, I LIKE HER EVEN IF SHE WASN'T A DOCTOR.
A proper doctor, medical, she'll be a GP this time next year.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:28, Reply)
*jewishmotherprouds*
Oh yeah? Where did you meet this Lully lady?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:32, Reply)
We went to the same primary school for the first half of it. Our parents were BFFs back then but they just lost touch naturally.
My ma' and her ma' bumped into each other a few years ago, I added her on facebook, didn't think much of it, but we started talking a bit more and more 'till us talkin' all the time now.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:38, Reply)
Been out on a date yet?
If not, why not?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:41, Reply)
True story, last weekend she was saying how she was bored and looking for something to do, that she'd "drive to just get out the house"... but my tablets had me mashed out.
You know what, f'ck it, I'll see if she's free this weekend.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 13:02, Reply)
Good luck Gonz.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:42, Reply)
I'm going to assume this will resolve itself a bit like that episode of Friday Dinner.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:45, Reply)
She wants you for spare parts.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:34, Reply)
Haha, she won't get much of a deal there.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:38, Reply)
Elemental.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:33, Reply)
That's the fella !

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:36, Reply)
Ace song that is.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:38, Reply)
there was a good clip on links the other day

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:57, Reply)
It's funny because he's black.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:01, Reply)
And Jewish.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:02, Reply)
and gay

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:10, Reply)
And a Paki.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:11, Reply)
Are you confusing him with Chris Rock because he's also black?
THERE IS MORE THAN ONE BLACK COMEDIAN, SHAMBLES.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:13, Reply)
Chris Rock is white.
You've been taken in by THE MAN and his myths.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:14, Reply)
Crazy cracker.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:15, Reply)
I can never tell the difference between Jasper Carrot and Lenny Henry.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:16, Reply)
Jasper Carrott is the one that USED to be funny.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:16, Reply)
He did?
Christ. You must be well old.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:19, Reply)
I am.
Ask anyone.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:21, Reply)
I loved JC when I was growing up, I remember being really really young and seeing him on telly, in like, the late 80s, 'cus he was so old, even back then. He looked like 40 years old which is well ancient, even today.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:31, Reply)
jC? Jesus Christ?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:33, Reply)
Jasper Carrot

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:39, Reply)
Jasper Carrott is king of the Jews?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:45, Reply)
Chris rock's career ended the moment a Obama put his hand on that bible. He had one joke, about the president being a black man, and now it's gone.
Ironic that after all his ranting about the white man taking the black man's right, when it was a black man who took his only joke away.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:24, Reply)
I've done a terrible racism, haven't I?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:14, Reply)
Yeah. There is also Stephen K Amos
Who is black AND gay.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:16, Reply)
Don't be silly.
That's Justin Fashanu.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:19, Reply)
Died while he was on a bender.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:21, Reply)
I liked the bit in Extras when they were asked to name "one funny black english comedian", and there was a poster of Lenny Henry on the wall, but they couldn't think of an awnser.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:25, Reply)
Richard Blackwood.
The English Eddie Murphy.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:29, Reply)
He fucking wishes.
While we're on the subject of "Black people we like", I'm a big fan of Andy Peters.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:31, Reply)
Not enough of a fan to spell his name right.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:37, Reply)
Honestly love, if you follow that logic, then the only things/people I like are anything spelt with less than 4 letters.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:39, Reply)
its alright everyone, don't mind me yeah
i'll just sit here and wait til someone posts somrthing interesting enough for me to reply

take your time, its fine
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:06, Reply)
Hiya Quento!
How's tricks?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:13, Reply)
its good CQ, we're having a rock n roll afternoon in the office
currently got the Falcons on, and how are you?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:14, Reply)
Not bad, some cunt from Australia is being a cunt.
Everyone here knows it but I still have to do some work to prove in a way even he cannot deny that he is wronger than a wrong thing. Other than that all is good and looking like a decent weekend.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:25, Reply)
god i am so not interested in any of that
soz
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:27, Reply)
Me neither, but it's nice to get paid, so I do it.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:29, Reply)
See you next year lol

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:13, Reply)

L
O
L
D
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:14, Reply)
I've travelled to lots of places, thank you.
I'd give you a list of the things I've seen, but it would be well boring.

Alt: No, but I've been sorely tempted at times. I bet I'd hit like a girl though, so it would never be as effective as I would like.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:15, Reply)
Come on, list.
That was the thread after all.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:16, Reply)
But a list would really just be boring.
All of my travelling has been inside Europe, except for a few trips 'stateside'. One of my favourites is Venice, which is everything you expect it to be.
Rome was less impressive, though I got epically photobombed on the Spanish Steps, which made me lol when I got the pictures developed.
I absolutely love Germany, though, as it gives me a chance to gabber away happily in my second language, and I feel right at home there.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:20, Reply)
Vielen dank.
I love Venice. Lovely place.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:23, Reply)
Ich bin 12 Jahre alt. Wo ist die Jugendherberge.
That's the only German I remember. It hasn't really been all that useful recently.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:26, Reply)
Hast du geschwester?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:28, Reply)
Geschwister.
/ex German teacher
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:29, Reply)
Ich habe eine schwester.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:30, Reply)
Und hast du Tiere zu Hause?
Was machst du gern in deiner Freizeit?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:35, Reply)
That's HOT!

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:37, Reply)
Are you grooming me?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:32, Reply)
If you like, son.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:34, Reply)
Hot dang!
I have to confess that I haven't been underage since the 1980s. I hope that doesn't spoil our blossoming online romance.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:39, Reply)
*stickstonguedownthroat*

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:43, Reply)
Can I swallow these crisps first?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:46, Reply)
Mmmmmm, pickled onion monster munch.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:49, Reply)
Salt and vinegar Seabrooks.
That's it. It's over. I can't live with this kind of betrayal.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:56, Reply)
Sea brooks?
Proper Northern crisps!
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 13:01, Reply)
The only German I can remember is schwartzewelder kirschtorte
and I've probably slept that wrong, I just like how it sounds
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:34, Reply)
Walder
The rest is correct. I think.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:35, Reply)
Schwarzwalderkirschtorte

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:38, Reply)
Haha being trapped on the sunshine bus doesn't really count as travelling

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:17, Reply)
: (

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:21, Reply)
Morning darling
How are you this fine day?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:24, Reply)
Oh Em Geee!!!!
I am very very happy, thank you for asking. Had some good news this morning, which is making me smile like a mong.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:28, Reply)
You've got tickets
To see Jim Davidson on the pier haven't you...
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:42, Reply)
Interailing around Europe was awesome and I'd recommend it to anyone
in other news I'm listening to the new 'lamb of God' album, this is good news
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:28, Reply)
Have you finally accepted Christ into your heart?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:29, Reply)
No, I simply vomited into his gaping anus and now he won't piss off until I've paid for his dry cleaning

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:32, Reply)
I got listening to a band called Fireflight recently
Couple of really good tunes. Then I found out that they're Christian rock and now the lyrics sound stupid.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:32, Reply)
yeah i had to stop listening to ICP when I found out they were god botherers

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:33, Reply)
I didn't.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:35, Reply)
Do you love the lord?

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:36, Reply)
No.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:36, Reply)
Heathen.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:38, Reply)
Technically, no, I think.
Although I'm open to the possibility I have the definition wrong.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:40, Reply)
ICP? Seriously?
I don't know what's harder to believe; that they were Jesus freaks or that you listened to them
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:36, Reply)
I have 2 albums of their's
Try not to hate me.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:37, Reply)
Of course I didn't listen to them or own 2 of their albums
that would make me some sort of redneck retard
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:39, Reply)
Yuo got me pegged right threre Apey boy.
*plays banjo*
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:43, Reply)
underated instrument

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:44, Reply)
Very
I wish I could actually play it. Maybe I'll just learn Duelin Banjos for the Uke.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:45, Reply)
I might just buy a banjo and take lessons and be great at it just to piss everyone on here off.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:51, Reply)
I think you should.
I would but I think I should learn to play either the Guitar, Bass or Ukulele that I own properly first. I think I'll focus on the Uke as that is easiest to carry around and acoustic.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:52, Reply)
I can't read music though : (

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:53, Reply)
Every good bird deserves fireworks.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:59, Reply)
There's no teachers near me either.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 13:14, Reply)
I've just bought a very Jesusy album
But it is excellent, despite that.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:40, Reply)
This one, in fact:
boomkat.com/vinyl/484242-the-louvin-brothers-satan-is-real
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:42, Reply)
I've been around a bit.

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:34, Reply)
Track/lurcher

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:35, Reply)
Who do you think you are
Lisa Stanfield?
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:39, Reply)
Wawawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I can't find find my baby
I don't know why he's gone away
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:40, Reply)
fucking earworming bastards

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:40, Reply)
*grins*

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:41, Reply)
I'm round a bit

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:39, Reply)
So I've heard

(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:41, Reply)
It's all lies.
It's not all lies.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:43, Reply)
First person to start a new thread wins, ready....steady...
GO!
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 13:20, Reply)
Going to Seattle this afternoon.
Over the next ten days I'll be driving down the Pacific Coast. Hopefully the snow will have dropped off somewhat.
(, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 13:47, Reply)

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