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(
rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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TRUTH FAIRY IS DANCING LIKE A SPASTIC IN MY OFFICEwhen was the last time you danced, like a spastic or otherwise?
alt. which one of you is best qualified to give me relationship advice?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:09, 247 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
I don't dance by choice, so it was probably at my Dad's 60th, which was a ceilidhAlt: Monty, I'd say.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:10,
Reply)
thanks agnostic antichrist, if i ever lose a parent you'll be the first one i come to(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:10, Reply)
Not to worry, if you lose a parent, find a grown up, ask them to take you to the store front, they'll call for your Mummy and Daddy for you.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:12,
Reply)
my girlfriend right, every night at her place she tells me off fornot washing my hands before doing the dishes (as in going to the bathroomt o come back)
getting a tea stain on her tea towel, which came off with a little shake
she complained that she didn't feel taht sexy, i said its cos we were both sittin in our pjs so i didn't really blame her. this was a bad thing to say cos apparently it means i don't love her
also i put the rug back slightly wrong
and the cups on the cup tree in the wrong order
also her bum is getting bigger?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:12, Reply)
I think it's "her bum is getting bigger?"it might be rhetorical.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:15,
Reply)
well her dad's ill so i guess its all understandable really, should i have a word when things calm down a bit psychoquixote?(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:16, Reply)
So your question is "should I speak to my girlfriend?"my answer is: Yes, that would be what a normal person would do.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:17, Reply)
I dunno her dads funeral.But to be honest if she "tells you off" for something as little as getting mugs on the tea tree in the wrong order, then you've lost her respect and the relationship is doomed.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:21, Reply)
cheers, thats what i needed to here(her dad's getting better tho so no funerals yet)
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:22, Reply)
Just check the obituries and go to a random funeral with her.Tell her there.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:23, Reply)
Have an affair.There must be some sexy young girls in your office, aching for a man in a position of power such as yourself.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:15, Reply)
there aren't any girls here under 30 except louise and she mingsthe others are well into their 40s and severely ropey since sasha left. i like your thinken tho
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:18, Reply)
I'm having trouble picturing this, but if you say so.(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:35,
Reply)
like anne franks big sister i guessor mum i suppose, and you just KNOW the franks were dirty
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:37, Reply)
Having trouble imagining then as not wholesome TBH.Is she French then?
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:40,
Reply)
im a dancer, i LOVE to dance.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:09,
Reply)
definitely not me.My record is at best patchy.
I haven't danced since the last time I was in a club, so I guess a few months at least.
Edit - that's actually bollocks, I got dragged into playing Kinect Just Dance or one of those horse's arse things the other weekend.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:11,
Reply)
i know, I was livid.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:17,
Reply)
it's been a very long time.Can I count drunken headbanging at a Motorhead gig?
Alt: Not me I think, unless the advice you need is How to Fail Badly HWile Hurting Yourself and Others, in which case I am your man.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:12,
Reply)
Fuck it then CHompy is right it's doomed I say try to end it in the most spectacular way possible, call her by her sisters name during sex or something.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:23,
Reply)
You're far too soft quint, she doesn't deserve you.Gotta stop calling you Quint, it's making me think of that guy in Jaws.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:25,
Reply)
But are you cool enough, can you pull off this look:moviebuzzers.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/jaws-quint.jpg
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:35,
Reply)
it's making me wish I could grow sideburns.(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:40,
Reply)
Actually maybe I couldbut last time I tried for a full beard the sides were all patchy, which is why I go for the goatie.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:53,
Reply)
^this s definitely the way to go.no point trying to be nice about it.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:31,
Reply)
I'm someone's dadIt wouldn't be dignified for me to dance.
Alt: I think you should talk to Badger. You two seem to have bonded.
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:12,
Reply)
Surely that's the exact reason you should do it, and at great length?(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:14,
Reply)
Only when my kids are old enough to be embarrassed by it.My son is still at the hero-worshipping phase with me.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:15,
Reply)
Can't dance, so every time I dance it's scaryprobably danced the last time I went clubbing which is at least two months ago.
Alt: Not me, I'm single. And in answer to your problem, speech is an excellent trait lots of humans possess.
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:27,
Reply)
i bet your a great dancer, all the other undead in that michael jackson video was goodas your single imma set you up like on blind date by asking you one of those style questions
if amberl was a ssausage what kind of sausage would she be?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:30, Reply)
I once had a very nice venison and pigeon sausageso I'll choose that.
And Michael Jackson singled out my dance moves especially as being 'thoroughly shit'
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:34,
Reply)
yeah, but he raped children and had an inappropriate relationship with an apeso, y'know, what the fuck does he know?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:37,
Reply)
he was creepy and that, but do you really reckon he raped kids?i mean if he'd raped your kids and you went to court and settled for compensation instead of actually imprisoning him, what sort of person would you be?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:40, Reply)
two separate things innitthe families can only bring a civil suit, the police/state has to bring a criminal one.
well, you CAN pay for your own criminal case, but it costs an absolute fortune. if the state makes the choice there is no case to bring, very few people would then fund it themselves.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:43,
Reply)
thats what i mean, the state would have fucked him over if he didjust money grabbing cunts trying to ruin himhe was still shit after 1981 tho
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:52, Reply)
Nah, you're probably right.I reckon he was just proper fucked up in the head and could only handle the company of children.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:43,
Reply)
nah i reckon he totally fucked kids, but the parents were even worse than he was(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:50, Reply)
that, depressingly, is also a distinct possibility.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:02,
Reply)
I'm watching Blue ValentineRyan Gosling and Michelle Williams are having sex.
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Lisette von Falcon, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:27,
Reply)
well i can see why a girl would find her pretty thenwomen only find other women pretty when there not overly pretty and therefore not a threat
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:45, Reply)
did he just call you a beautiful man?what a cunt, eh.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:58,
Reply)
don't you be mean here, this michelle williams lover is clearly a rose among thorns(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:08, Reply)
If I wanted shit pictures I'd go to fucking /board(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:41,
Reply)
That shit was from the soulyou can't fake stuff like that, it had a wonderful whimsical melancholy derived from the bereft maudlin angst that only an observor of the early 21st century would have
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:47,
Reply)
Not for a couple of years, now. I think it was at my friends' wedding.Alt: Definitely not me, chum. My record the last few months is in the gutter.
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Kroney, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:32,
Reply)
I am sad that I got this :((
Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:36,
Reply)
I wanted to come back with a "the more accurate jokes would have been _____ ACTUALLY"style gag, but I couldn't find out what those glowy bits on the end of the nacelles were called :(
Let's just assume I made the joke and it was very funny, ok?
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Kroney, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:43,
Reply)
is it a mirror? you two are like "me myself and irene"depends on what you want out of it. pick your counsellor accordingly. how to get her to marry you? how to talk her into a 3some? how to get her to regrow her virginity and watch tv programmes about space with you?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:39,
Reply)
we watch tv shows on space all the time and i ahve to explain things like gravity to her(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:39, Reply)
don't use helium next time you inflate her then(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:40,
Reply)
All of these counsellors are represented in this thread(
Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:40,
Reply)
i'm not so sure about the 3some one. whose area of expertise is that?!?(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:41,
Reply)
most of /QOTW if the stories are anything to go by.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:42,
Reply)
yeah, but it's "World suspension of utter disbelief" week this week.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:45,
Reply)
i haven't lookedbut the title seems likely to inspire stories to send janet into a seething ball of frothing hatred
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:48,
Reply)
she also inspires some rage-filled responses(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:18,
Reply)
Not from me, I'm a lover, not a fighterI just think she needs a right good seeing to.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:26, Reply)
I've seen both her ans Swipeyand for a small fee I'll gaz you which is most/least fuckable.
(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:44,
Reply)
Tell you what, you guess, I'll tell you if you're right.(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:46,
Reply)
it doesn't answer the question of whether either of us would fuck you though!(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:54,
Reply)
I would imagine neither TBH.This does not bother me overly. I wasn't having a pop at you particularly Swipes old girl.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:11,
Reply)
I think I be older than you, possibly by a good few years(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:32,
Reply)
well i did see a picture of janet, so while i don't think there would be much inniti think you'd go for swipe, altho i didn't see who you were talking about before i joined in here :(
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:55, Reply)
Is it that bad?I've mainly steered clear this week. I've decided it's better that way, as opposed to be in a constant state of mild irritation that eventually leads me to call someone a cunt when they are just trying (badly) to join in.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:00,
Reply)
I've not noticed much of a backlash to be honest.Just some pretty fetid stories.
(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:02,
Reply)
That is another reason to steer clear this week,I'm actually quite a delicate flower sometimes, and stories about shit or rotting things or mank dairy to name three in particular are likely to leave me feeling slightly unwell.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:03,
Reply)
Some have been a bit boke worthy, true.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:04,
Reply)
someone actually asked you to do the last one?(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:40,
Reply)
well, he called it "drinks"but that was how it felt.
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:41,
Reply)
Drinks turned into "which Star Trek episode is your favourite, this is mine"? (, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:46, Reply)
i'll tell you over drinksyou can guess who it was. you will laugh. a LOT.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:03,
Reply)
Well, if you'd have just have named one, we wouldn't have fallen out, would we?(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:04,
Reply)
I need to be clearer when I am joking, don't I?I was just pretending it was me you were talking about.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:15,
Reply)
no, i got thati need to be clearer when i am deliberately misunderstanding something for humorous effect.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:17,
Reply)
Ha.I need to be clearer that I am a fucking idiot who can't be trusted not to take something at face value while at the same time accusing someone else of doing exactly that.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:26,
Reply)
nooo noo nooi need to be clearer that-
we could do this all day.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:28,
Reply)
I insist on dancing like a spastic, so I blend in with everyone else.So I guess it was at a barn dance last Summer.
Alt:I'm highly regarded in the giving relationship advice department. Just ask me a specific question, and I guarentee satisfaction. No gazzes, everything above board.
(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:59,
Reply)
Dear BartlebyMt girlfriend gets really annoyed when I spell guarantee badly, what would you advise?
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:01,
Reply)
Mount Girlfriend?Tell her not to be so pedantic, and spend at least an hour a week doing crosswords together.
(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:04,
Reply)
Yes, I call her that.On account of her icey cold nature and size. And the fact that many men have died trying to conquer her.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:07,
Reply)
i want lady quint to nosh on my sausage morei've tried chocolate shower gel and strawberry but nothing works?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:05, Reply)
You are going to start knocking her around and live with your mother until you are in your mid-forties? (, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:10, Reply)
Hmm, a difficult one.I reckon that if you carefully placed your willy near to her face while you are noshing on her, she would respond with a bit of suck it and see.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:10,
Reply)
take her to hatton gardenshow her all the diamonds.
replace the £ in the price tag with noshes.
let her earn her own.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:12,
Reply)
Ask me, I've been married fucking loads of times.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:03,
Reply)
Sunday afternoon, in my sitting room.Like a spastic.
Alt: me, AA is right
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:10,
Reply)
Dear MontyI keep getting a gob full of hair whilst I am noshing my bird off. How can I maximise the vulva intake and minimise the rug intake?
Inquisitively yours
Your Mum.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:12, Reply)
Dear mum.Bald is beautiful.
I advise you to listen to Mark Morrison, and return with the (Im)mac.
Your loving son,
Monty
PS at Christmas I could hear you and your missus brushing your teeth for what seemed like hours, and it sounded like it was hurting you. Perhaps those electric toothbrushes are not for you? M x
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:17,
Reply)
"mmmmmmmf u, shun""Apologies, I shouldn't speak with a mouthful of minge. Thank you son."
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:19, Reply)
Dear Monty's Mum,Tell her to get rid of the Gibbons she's got stored down there.
After all, you're there to eat, not floss.
Yours,
AA
(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:23,
Reply)
Hahahha, oh man, that's super creepy, did you gaz her first or did she gaz you first?(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:23,
Reply)
I just heard on Sky NewsThat Bodeans has gone into receivership and all branches are closing with immediate effect.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:27, Reply)
I just heard on Sky NewsThat Your Mum has gone into receivership and all legs are spreading with immediate effect.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:35,
Reply)
just because you wallow in the dirty mud of your ignorancedoesn't mean that an intelligent man like stunned does.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:39,
Reply)
FACTUALLY ACCURATE JOKES FROM NOW ONLY ONLY PLEASEOR A FAT CHICK WILL GET UPSET ON THE INTERNET
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:42, Reply)
Shut up and Dance ft Peter Bouncer's disappointinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:48,
Reply)
they're quite cutehe's more like a... a boulder. a big ugly boulder.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:49,
Reply)
SHREK!THAT'S IT!
he's a neckless wonder too.
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:55,
Reply)
your words are so harshi've never seen a picture of you, so even tho this is totally unfair i'm pretty sure i've got you sussed a a chunky, mad haired but well dressed pro heading for an imminent emotional breakdown
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:56, Reply)
Oh man, I'd totally show you someonly b3tards is down.
(
Bazongaloid, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:59,
Reply)
welltoday's skirt is actually a size 10, which is the good thing about the mad detox. and i had my hair done at lunchtime for tonight, so it's all sleek. and work is quiet today, so no breakdown. so 0/10. try again tomorrow.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:59,
Reply)
i can see it on the horizoni've seen it pretty much since i started posting, i think you need emotional support
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:02, Reply)
i'm not you, being alone doesn't terrify me to the extent that i'd even go underwear shopping with the other half rather than be alone for an afternoonactually, having the bed to yourself is a much better night's sleep. i am wondering how to tell the new bloke this.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:06,
Reply)
i went with her cos she said we'd split off and do our own thingsit was a trap tho, admirable ackbar told me after
i dunno, shout and scream at him with mad starey eyes, he'll soon get the message
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:13, Reply)
i can't understand why anyone would want to take their bf shoppingunless he's wet or gay, he won't want to come. let him do his own thing.
i don't like him that much. so i might try that.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:14,
Reply)
she just wants us to do things together cos i'm usually busy at weekends with my legosure, your imaginary boy won't mind at all
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:16, Reply)
get your own insults, that's just lazyi've been telling you that your gf is imaginary for MONTHS.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:22,
Reply)
this doesn't even make sensebut strangely i quite like it
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:25,
Reply)
for input?to help with decisions? you know, the usual stuff that people do?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:19,
Reply)
no, that's what girls are for, hours of shopping and lunching with winethen take it all home and the guy sits there with a beer/dinner whilst you model the outfits, ending with the underwear, naturally. and anything he hates can still go back, if he has a good point. then he gets a suckjob for paying attention.
isn't that how everybody shops?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:24,
Reply)
It can be done that way, absolutelyOr, occasionally, for a bit of variety, you can actually be in a shop together. Life doesn't have to be so regimented, sweetheart.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:26,
Reply)
of coursebut it does depend what you are buying. clothes for him, sure. food, of course. furniture, definitely.
saturday morning shopping for jeans and underwear etc? no thanks. let him get on with his sport!
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:31,
Reply)
that's alright, necklessyou stick to being dragged around the shops like a puppy.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:28,
Reply)
i wasn't dragged aroundi was just waiting for the split off that never happened and at the end when we hadn't done aby of the stuff we meant to i was like WTF?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:30, Reply)
let this be a lesson to you for next timei bet you didn't even get a blowie out of it
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:31,
Reply)
"accidentally" hit him in your sleep.repeatedly
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:18,
Reply)
You are right. And although it pains me to say this, so is QO.
I feel like I need a shower now.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:39, Reply)
Bollocks of a day, mate. I am going home though, so could be worse.
You? Any devs iro a new contract?
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:52, Reply)
Go to the pub.That's what I usually do after a shit day. And also to celebrate good days.
No contract news, but I'm beavering away in the background to try and sort things!
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:54,
Reply)
On Sunday. In one of the shit clubs down Bigg Market. I love going out on Sundays to all the horrific places in town. Makes me feel so much better about myself.
(, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:38, Reply)
Spot on mate.I decided to leave work early today for NO REASON AT ALL.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:45,
Reply)
were you wearing your best shell-suit?(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:51,
Reply)
AmendedExcited about the move?
I was asked if I was interested in moving to Edinburgh today, I am - but not with the contract I've got at the moment.
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 16:55,
Reply)
nah they've known I was looking and been really supportive.(
Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 17:00,
Reply)
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