So it is my daughter's first birthday in a few weeks time. What's the best present (other than adoption) that I could give her?
Alt: do you ever claim things on expenses at work? If so what's the dodgiest thing you've ever been able to claim for?

AltAlt: Eric Sykes; genius or useless?


EDIT: I appear to have a candle. This isn't truly accurate - I had a previous account for a few years before my EPIC* flounce.


*may not have been epic
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:05, 117 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

daddy should stop drinking and hitting mummy

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:06, Reply)

I've told your dad about this for you on several occasions. Sorry Rory, I've done all I can for you.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:10, Reply)

sOZ, BUT HE DON'T DRINK OR SMOKE THE REEFER OR ANY OF THAT SHIT

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:19, Reply)

DJ Deekline lolz

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:42, Reply)

what i don't get rory
is that the people on this board get together and snort cocaine while either just drinking in a pub or at one of their houses having a couple of pints

why is that rory? i could understand if they were in their late teens or twenties and they were out clubbing where the effect of the drugs would make for an uplifting experience, but why snort cocaine and then just sit around with some rapidly aging real ale drinkers?

I just don't understand,

signed


Q
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Taking cocaine in clubs is shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:20, Reply)

but surely it would add to the euphoria of dancing around and the music and all that?
instead you're just sitting there, buzzing off your nuts listening to shabby blokes grumble about their frigid wives
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:21, Reply)

maybe the drugs make the tedium of that more bearable?
i dunno, i guess i was doing it wrong when i was young, free and single :/
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:25, Reply)

dEAR qUENTIN
tHANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT QUERY. i HAVE TIME FOR NEITHER PUBS OR CLUBS THESE DAYS. i CAN UNDERSTAND TAKING DRUGS IN PUBS AS IT MAKES THE EXPERIENCE MORE BEARABLE AND i CAN PRETEND TO lISTEN TO WHATEVERS BEING SAID AND JUST SAY 'i'M BUZZING MATE' aLSO FINDING A DECENT SURFACE IN SOME OF THESE CLUBS TO CHOP A LINE UP ON CAN BE A bALLACHE.

yOURS rORY
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:33, Reply)

thanks rory
i appreciate the sensible nature of your response

xxx
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

I can't answer any of these. Soz.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:15, Reply)

Who likes ham sandwiches ?
Killer recipe on the pearoast tip









www.b3ta.com/questions/cookbook/post1660358
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:31, Reply)

Oh man, well wicked!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

it aint as good as the killer spaghetti sandwich that I seen on there but I'm quietly confident of my first best of page

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:51, Reply)

For sure, Rory.
Get that Cristal on ice, dog. You be winnin'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:53, Reply)

hahahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:53, Reply)

Just don't hug her like Louise Woodward, that's a good start.
Alt: No, never.

Alt Alt: Seems to be a genius, from the people he has worked with. Also, this amused me

Happy Candle day, you utter twat.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:32, Reply)

Morning
I'm tired. So very tired.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:42, Reply)

Late night with a particularly attractive spaniel was it?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:45, Reply)

STOP HOUNDING HIM!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

No need to lose your (dis) temper about it.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:48, Reply)

no need to be so short tempered

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Oh you wag.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:03, Reply)

I bet that made you paws for thought.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:07, Reply)

It's rather a sad tail, isn't it?
Bit of a bone of contention.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I thought Aber had left already?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:50, Reply)

I always give my daughter something for now and something for life.
A slap and hepatitis, usually. LOL.

Nah some kind of waki toy, and then a heritage edition of a children's classic book like a Beatrix Potter anthology or Edmund du Lac's illustrated Hans Andersen fairy stories.

She's four a week on Sunday, and is getting a pirate costume, a Paddington Bear books box set and some classic children's TV DVDs (Capt Pugwash and Clangers). And a fucking slap, obv.

Never claimed shit on expenses as there's no fucking point. I once failed to shut the office in chronic snow when I should have and was then stranded: had to spend £50 on a black cab just to get to Archway. My boss agreed to reimburse be and then curiously 'lost' the receipt. Amazing.

Sykes: Good writer, fairly dull performer.

Candle: gay
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:45, Reply)

Good ideas there ta. Perhaps I'll get a Winnie the Pooh first edition as the 'something for life' - good investment as well I expect.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:47, Reply)

I think I have a first edition of The Raw Shark Texts

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:49, Reply)

I think Monty has one of Mein Kampf.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

I wish.
I saw one of AH's paintings was up for auction a couple of years ago, it went for less than ten grand. I really wanted it :o(
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:54, Reply)

he was a shit artist and excellent autist.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:57, Reply)

I see what you've done here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:00, Reply)

You're getting him mixed up with GG Allin I think.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:02, Reply)

The cricketer?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:03, Reply)

Well lots of people saw his googlies.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:11, Reply)

A box set of Grange Hill DVDs.
So she can watch daddy, even when he is down the pub.

ALtalt: He belongs to the group of writers blown up a bit during the war. See Milligan, Sellers, Seacombe. But still very funny.

Happy candleday.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Did Sellers do much in the way of writing?
I understood him to be not much more than a great comedy actor with delusions. This may actually be unfair but that is how I understand it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:50, Reply)

comedy

There's no need for the qualifier.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:51, Reply)

Many of his films are fucking rubbish.
I include Dr Strangelove in this, it's nowhere near as good as it's made out to be and Sellers overcooks it big time.

His best film is The Party.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

I like Dr Strangelove
but don't have much time for The Pink Panther movies.

I'm just a bit of an arse about comedy acting being somehow not considered to be 'real' acting, hence my post.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

After the Fox is shite.
There's also one where he plays a clergyman, and that's shite and all.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:57, Reply)

He did go the sentimental route with some of his films.
Robin Williams syndrome
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:00, Reply)

Worst of all the syndromes (inc Downs)

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:05, Reply)

*nods head gravely*

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:07, Reply)

I quite liked The Mouse That Roared
But then I was probably about 11 or 12 when I saw it, so it could easily be shite.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:06, Reply)

You are right.
I wanted to show that the zany humour was more the result of being on the receiving end of an 88, rather than by any inherent genius
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:59, Reply)

Ah OK.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:05, Reply)

Eric Sykes was great.
Although it does seem that you only have to die to be considered a genius. Christ, they said the same about Norman Wisdom.

Although, actually, in comparison, that makes it true about Sykes.

I'm surprised he was so young though, I thought he was about 173 or something. I'm sure he was in his 80's when I was born. At least that's how he always looked to me.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:49, Reply)

Norman Wisdom is fucking shit.
His son Lee Evans even more so.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:51, Reply)

^this^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

To quote my own "joke" from the time
"Norman Wisdom died? I assumed he'd died years ago, why else has Lee Evans being touring that tribute act for so long?"
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

Lee Evans is fucking AWFUL.
Why do people actually think that he's funny?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:54, Reply)

There must be a hell of a lot of Norman Wisdom fans out there who just can't let go.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

They're tripping over their own feet to get Evans tickets.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:56, Reply)

It's all a bit grim


-sdale.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:57, Reply)

I literally know nothing else about Norman Wisdom to keep this bit going with.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Me neither.
Apart from the aside that my one of my favourite bands, The Pretty Things, have a cameo in the otherwise horrendous Wisdom film 'What's Good for the Goose'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:05, Reply)

A bio about Mr Wisdom?
Sweet Fuck. He was no Lee Evans.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:07, Reply)

Because he is just so WACKY AND ZANY!

( Peej, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:57, Reply)

A pair of green wellys and a..
alt. No, I'd rather pull my teeth out than go through the long and arduous process of putting in an expense claim

Alt alt. neither
( Peej, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Gay answer.
At age one she doesn't really give a shit about birthdays or presents. Give her your time. Although we all think you're a cunt, she probably quite likes you. The more time and attention you can give her now will mean the world to her and will pay dividends in the long term.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Alt: I've only ever claimed for travel expenses. Not the dodgiest, but the stupidest thing I've done was to pre-book train tickets for a work meeting and then leave them at home and have to get the boss to buy more at the station. Luckily he did exactly the same thing the previous time we went to the same meeting.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:58, Reply)

God you're gay.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:12, Reply)

I can only blag travel, and dinner
Although as I'm leaving tomorrow, I'm going to borrow as much as I can. Fuckers. (Untrue, for legal reasons).

He was pretty funny, watched The Plank yesterday. And what did you flounce for? Were the cool kids not mixing it with you anymore?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:01, Reply)

=/
So while your wife was baring the first fruit of your loins, you were on the ward's wifi signing up to a website that, just a year previously, you felt the need to message the owners to delete your account?

That's a pretty crazy effect this place seems to have had on you.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:03, Reply)

Which part of 'it is my daughter's first birthday in a few weeks time' are failing to grasp? Have you taken too many opiates again?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:08, Reply)

Soz, wasn't concentrating. Everything I said is 100% entirely irrelivent now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:14, Reply)

haha!
good point gonz, more parents should spend the month before childrens births signing up to b3ta
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:19, Reply)

I probably signed up to a site in the run up to something important too,
But I don't think it was a site where I had to have my account deleted and wished I killed myself.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:32, Reply)

Did you get a baby book thing?
They are a bit twee but nice to read through a few years later. I like the idea of a nice book but you need to keep it away from her otherwise it'll be knackered.

Expenses - simple way to get beer/wine for free is to go to a non-chain restaurant, pay with C/C, tip with cash then ask for VAT receipt. Most places can't be arsed to write an itemised one out so just write Meal - £25

I have also claimed a £50 congestion charge fine and two parking tickets
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:08, Reply)

How do congestion charge fines work?
Do they work off plate recognition or something? Thank fuck Manchester never voted that in. Even though I do no longer drive.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:15, Reply)

I think so.
If you stray into the zone without knowing it you get a fine in the post.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:16, Reply)

That was the problem
I couldn't do anything BUT go into it
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Hmmmm.Sounds like witchcraft to me.
Ot Big Brother totalitarianism. Or a money making scheme introduced by that gimp Livingstone.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I blame the fat cat bankers, myself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:21, Reply)

Do cats have banks?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:29, Reply)

Cats & Co?
CatWest?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:35, Reply)

Royal Bank of Scatland?
They can be a bit shit however.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

Inappropriate comment removed.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

I don't find this funny.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:43, Reply)

Oh, I thought it was a compliment on parking from the council =/
It said "Parking fine" so I took that as I did ok bit could do better
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:35, Reply)

You are 'Bobby Davro' AICMFP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Yeah
It was the first time I'd driven down there, trying to find a hotel on Brick Lane and ended up in a one way system. I asked the hotel what do to (bearing in mind they were max 50 yards away from it starting) and they just shrugged. I had no internet access so had to wait until the morning to ring up, hence it costing £50
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Bloody provincials.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:36, Reply)

They come over here...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:37, Reply)

I had that Enoch in the back of my cab once...

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Enoch Powells.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

No, because work is too stingy to ever pay up.
I've only ever seen The Plank, and I didn't laugh that much.

In other news, I've ACED my first semester subjects - three Distinctions and a High Distinction. SO. HAPPY. :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:12, Reply)

Good work. Well done, Poppet.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:13, Reply)

Thank you!

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:16, Reply)

\o/
Woop!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:14, Reply)

Congrats!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:29, Reply)

You got the brains, I got the looks, let's make lots of money.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Get loads of pictures anf have a birthday album for her birthdays for the next 18 years. Or the finger.
Alt: Vietnamese meal and football tickets with Monty. £45 steak in a hotel room on my own. Tapas in a Spanish knocking shop.

Altalt: He was great in Harry Potter.

EDIT: Why did you flounce, Mr Angry?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:29, Reply)

I preferred him in 'The Others'

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Is that the film with the ex-Mrs Cruise in?
You know the ginger, Aussie. You know what they say - rusty roof, smelly garage.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:33, Reply)

She's excellent in 'BMX Bandits' but that's it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:37, Reply)

What was that film she was in
where she doing whatever it is, yeah, but like in a man's world and because it is, yeah, in a man's world she has to do things better than the men if not twice as good to get only half the pay because a woman's work is never done but she does it right, even though she's not as strong as a man?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Yep, that's the one.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:42, Reply)

Kswiss bullied the shit out of him.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Bullied verbally by an American?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:35, Reply)

Yeah, she made him do a face wee

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:35, Reply)

That's hot.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

i think you should just drop it
alt i live on my expenses as i technically don't get a wage

altalt i probably saw him in like 2 things, i have no issues with him
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:32, Reply)

The link to my new thread of course.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:33, Reply)

THANK GOD

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Hi Q, what wackiness have you got planned for us today?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:35, Reply)

today i are be mostly wearing roman sandles and a TUTU

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:37, Reply)

OH MAN YOU'RE AS CRAZY AS 'FRANK ZAPPA'!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

I'l show you my MOON UNIT
(shows bum)
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:42, Reply)

*gets 'dweezil' out in reply*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:49, Reply)

i liked him in 'man on fire'

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:50, Reply)

Get her a cardboard box.
That's it. Just a cardboard box. Maybe put a balloon or some tissue paper in it if you're feeling generous. And a good birthday card with a letter in it saying how much you love her so she can read it when she's 18 and laugh at you.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Cardboard boxes and newspapers work well for cats too.
Unsurprisingly.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:43, Reply)

Alt: my first expense claim at a new job was for a course I went on
I claimed for travel, hotel, meals - and putting my cat in a kennel for the week.

My then-boss signed without apparently reading it and it was only when it went to finance that someone finally said "hang on..."

I argued that it was an expense I wouldn't have incurred if not for the course.

I got it - but I suspect because my boss had told finance he'd agreed it with me, in order for him to avoid appearing like he signed anything put in front of him.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:42, Reply)

Alt: £3,400 at the lapdancing bar in the basement of the Sofia Sheraton
Boss couldn't query it. He was there.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 10:11, Reply)

Morning
A sensory day out bright colours, zoo, soft play centre Etc. but nothing involving clowns, clowns are scary.
Alt: £1,200 on an evening out with the employees
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 10:25, Reply)