Mid-morning everyone.
This is going well. Now we all have to read about how Nakers gets upset about crabs getting run over.

Moribund, anyone? Where did it all go wrong?

Alt: tell us something good that's coming up in your life
Altalt: tell us something bad so we can LOL at your expense - Poppet, you're exempt from this as you've already confessed to having pubic lice in the last thread
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:29, 139 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Alt: Dinner tonight is a big pot of stew and crusty bread
Altalt: I have to go and watch some fireworks tonight. It's free though. Also, I saw they've got the mulled wine out in the shops so I might heat up some of that when I get back.
(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Pre-bottled mulled wine is foul.
Hope this helps x
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Helps with what?

(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:51, Reply)

PS aren't fireworks displays generally free?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:33, Reply)

Apart from the ones you have to pay for, yes.

(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:51, Reply)

shouldn't it be "sALvile patel"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:17, Reply)

Sorry, I don't understand this meme

(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

thanks love.
that powder should be kicking in any time now
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:33, Reply)

Snorting crystal meth won't cure the lice, Poppet.
Just saying, like.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:34, Reply)

are you speaking from your own experiences?

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:36, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:40, Reply)

I just read Nakkers lament for crabs, and I couldn't really think of a reply.
So I just shook my head at the screen.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:33, Reply)

you? speechless?
well fuck, that IS a flying pig I see outside my window...
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:35, Reply)

Alright no need for all that sarcasm. Whats up you got sand in your vagina
oh...
(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:39, Reply)

yeah, it was so hot yesterday I went to the beach.
I got dunked in the water.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:41, Reply)

Yeah, well yesterday was so hot here I had to take my gloves off briefly.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:42, Reply)

Oh no, not your gloves!

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:45, Reply)

I've got my motherfucking office window open a bit
it's that hot.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:45, Reply)

it's 10pm at night, and it's 22 degrees
I am fucking roasting.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:52, Reply)

Oh, the old 'I must have caught crabs in the pool' bullshit.
Seriously Poppet don't bother. We weren't born yesterday - although you might be forgiven for thinking Nakers was from his illiterate, crab-obsessed posts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:44, Reply)

hey, seriously, if THESE crabs managed to fit up my lady parts, I would be extremely distressed.
Mainly because they're about 20 to 30 cm in diameter, and have REALLY big claws.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:46, Reply)

You should wear them as decorative nipple clamps.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:47, Reply)

You know sometimes I just have to sit and cry when i think of all the ants that die during floods :'(

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:46, Reply)

It still freaks my nut out.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:52, Reply)

I dunno man,
only the smartest ones will survive, and learn to use spears and ride horses
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:49, Reply)

I let out a despairing sigh when I read it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:35, Reply)

I have never had crabs.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:35, Reply)

People generally get them through sex, so I'm not surprised.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:36, Reply)

oh man, zing after zing after zing.
You've been taking your cues from Emvee.

You listened to DC this morning, I listened to Entombed.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:38, Reply)

Dude, He's been shagging since he was 15.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:40, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:40, Reply)

their method of transmission, or not, is responsible for one of the finest pieces of bog graffiti I have ever seen
In one of the toilets in the old engineering building at UCL, there was some really tiny writing at the very top of the wall in the cubicle, next to the cistern. You could only read it by climbing onto the toilet bowl. Whereupon it said "No use standing up here, mate. The crabs in this place can jump ten feet"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:40, Reply)

Thanks for that 'Nigel Rees'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:49, Reply)

Nigel Rees' Book of Humorous Graffiti - the Koran for the after-dinner speaker.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:51, Reply)

The moribundity of this place has been a matter of discussion here for as long as I have been posting.
So I can only assume that it is my fault.
Soz everyone.

Alt: Have I mentioned my album, coming out later in the year?
Apart from that, baby tangle appears to have adopted a sleeping pattern that makes it possible for me to go out to gigs in the evenings again. So a gain there for the evening threads.

Altalt: My feckless wife sees no reason to change her spending habits since her maternity pay has been discontinued. This means I am as poor as Monty - I guess this isn't as LOL for Boyce as it may be for others.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:35, Reply)

It is indeed utterly bereft of LOLarity from where I'm standing ie in a bus shelter, crying.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:40, Reply)

But at least you can gain some comfort in the knowledge that you are right* about those windows.
*Probably.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:41, Reply)

Fucking CORRR-ECT.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:44, Reply)

moribund is one of those heavy fruit cakes with the hole in the middle like a wreath right?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:50, Reply)

nakers likes to roll onto his back and slowly part his bumhole so they can crawl up there when it's cold.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:41, Reply)

Well there's a lovely mental image.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:50, Reply)

you love it.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:00, Reply)

Alright mmps.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:03, Reply)

alright pigster.
ready to bring your BOKKO! to the forrins?
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:03, Reply)

I've been trying to figure out a way to combine the pre-flight safety demo,
With some full on hardcore BOKKO action.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:06, Reply)

I'd say speak to the flight crew about it, they'll probably be cool with it.
safety exits = double leg spin arm flail to pointy finger.
oxygen masks = head wobble single arm rotate and leg kick.
emergency lighting = leg kick combo + head nod to double elbow pop foot waggle.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:11, Reply)

you know, sometimes i think we must be psychic.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:12, Reply)

hey man, pig shoes is a state of mind.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:13, Reply)

Moribund
adjective
(of a thing) in terminal decline; lacking vitality or vigour.

Yup.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 10:59, Reply)

are we getting that ringofyre gaz or not?
alt: I'm in the airport, ladypig has gone to find the toilets, I'm considering a pint.

Altalt: looks like there might be some thunderstorms where I'm going.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:02, Reply)

txt me as SOON as you land.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:03, Reply)

I insist that you have a pint right now.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:03, Reply)

Its a fucking wetherspoons called the Flying Horse.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:05, Reply)

Just ignore the fact that it is a Wetherspoons and focus on the fact that it is another member of the adjective animal club.
You should probably have two pints, just to be certain.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:08, Reply)

done.
Where's this fucking gaz from Dozer eh?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:33, Reply)

It's almost as if he was just seeking attention online or something.
But that can't be right, can it?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:41, Reply)

has she gone to put on her suicide knickers?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

alt. I have lamb stew for lunch
alt alt. I kicked my guitar last night during an argument and hurt my big toe, I have to cycle home.
( Peej, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:12, Reply)

i want to make it read "gets upset about getting crabs"
but i can't work out the strikethrough technicalities.

it all went wrong when the good people left and the shit people stayed. or when quentin joined, either/or.

alt: a few nice things in the diary and barbados at christmas, hell yes.

altalt: went back to the gym yesterday after 6 weeks off doing the crazy water diet. omg it was fucking hard. i feel like shit!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:17, Reply)

you look shit too.
xxx
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:18, Reply)

you suck :(
also, you're technically INaccurate. i am fucking HAWT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:20, Reply)

it's not my fault you don't take care of what little you have.
you're an internet lawyer, have you considered surgery?
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:21, Reply)

nah
alcohol is more effective. for them, not me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:22, Reply)

My birthday is soon, so I suppose that's good. or it can be seen as bad, with one more step towards dribbling soup, and death.
Bad, fucking snow approaching. Snow in the city is shit. Good work Poppet, have you narrowed it down to which Aussie rules team infected you?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:24, Reply)

totes have, it was the one with the hot guys.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:26, Reply)

Tut, shakes head in despair.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:29, Reply)

when is your birthday?
mine is less than a week away, urgh! although i have 4 different nights out and lots of presents, so really i can't turn round to everyone and say, "thanks but i'd rather just not be a year older please..."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:28, Reply)

24th.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Your arse goes an inch Southwards on your birthday every other year.
Fact.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:32, Reply)

nah, i've got a great arse
it's the tits that already touch my knees and are now aiming for my toes :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Your arse really isn't great. HTH.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:40, Reply)

lies
it bears an uncanny resemblance to your face
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:45, Reply)

If I had a face like yours I'd shave my arse and walk on my hands backwards.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

If I had an face like yours, I'd ...oh wait.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

this i would pay to see

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

So it is near to the ground then?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)

oh, well played.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:53, Reply)

Pictures,
or it isn't happening.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Altalt: my team supports a userbase of about two thousand people
Spread across two hundred branches, myriad contract sites and head office. Today there are two of us in. Monday is our busiest day. There is no way we can keep up.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:26, Reply)

Stop moaning and get on with it you great Mary.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:26, Reply)

The usual size of our team is ten
When one person is off it's just about bearable. With two off it causes real difficulties. With three of it's almost impossible to keep up. With eight off I'm basically ignoring the phone.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Shall I call for an:

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:35, Reply)

I thought it was waaaaaaahhmbulance.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:39, Reply)

This makes the point well enough.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:40, Reply)

Ha.
Good luck.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Just shut up and fix it IT monkey.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:32, Reply)

You're so moany, Kroney

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:32, Reply)

it's good for him to moan on here
means he won't moan at his clients or boss and get sacked.

you moan away like a virgin getting fisted, k.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:38, Reply)

so you post here. well played.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:37, Reply)

he knows it is the perfect place for pity, sympathy, and practical support

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:38, Reply)

How many people does it take to turn it off and on again?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:51, Reply)

It's not that bad around here. It's better than when it was all 'Cake?', 'Don't mind if I do', 'Nom', 'Cup of tea?', 'Oh, go on then'.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:34, Reply)

I can't help feeling the time you need a pacemaker the most are the times the heart isn't beating, surely?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-20182529
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Doesn't a pacemanker control the speed of a heartbeat, rather than actually keep it beating though?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:41, Reply)

No, you're thinking of a pacemaker.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

HE MADE A TYPING ERROR, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

oh, yeah.
What's a pacemanker do then?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:43, Reply)

It's spelt 'pac-manker'
It basically makes everything seem like an arcade game from the 1980s.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

Oh apple, why can't you just do as you're told.
www.theregister.co.uk/2012/11/05/apple_apology_take_2/
(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Dear God, whose idea was it to put a moving ad across the middle of that?
I'm tempted to take their survey just to call them cunts.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

Good news, they have designe a "crab bridge"
1.bp.blogspot.com/-WK1BHiHiHQ0/TsKMGuTXIiI/AAAAAAAAO2E/Hd1n4Ko9zdI/s1600/crab+bridge.jpg
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:45, Reply)

Isn't that the name for the line of hair from your belly button to your cock?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

er no...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

I'm fairly sure Crabbridge is a Sunday evening period drama. Probably starring Julia Swahalla and Mark Heap.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

I'd "star" Julia Sawalha.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:57, Reply)

werido

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

she used to drink in my local in Muswell Hill
She's definitely dirtier than a Cornish tin-miner's sock.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:59, Reply)

is she the fat one?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:00, Reply)

Well neither are particularly fat
but her sister is bigger.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:01, Reply)

i would call her fat
to her face.

her fat face
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:02, Reply)

you'd still boot her back doors in without a second's hesitation.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:03, Reply)

Achingly beautiful.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:46, Reply)

no running, no diving, no bombing.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

heavy petting is however fine

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:50, Reply)

you filthy shit. no wonder you're infested.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

any particular reason they've made it a near vertical climb?
Seems a bit pointlessly cruel.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

for lols

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

Gordon Burn's insisted on it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:54, Reply)

It's to eliminate the weak.
A sort of crab final solution
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:54, Reply)

that would be a large pot of slowly boiling water, surely.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

could be, but that would kill them all
there's no selection of perfect Aryan crabhood there.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

they all look like jews to me.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

yidcrabs.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:57, Reply)

fiddler crab on the roof

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:58, Reply)

anything that big that can scuttle sideways up a wall needs destroying

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:52, Reply)

or cooking and eating.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:55, Reply)

that's what they said about cows, but look at them now.
They're everywhere, plotting
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

sneaky bovine cunts.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

I saw cows swimming in the sea once.
they're learning!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:57, Reply)

Just as long as dolphins don't learn to walk
we're safe. For now.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:59, Reply)

They are causing global warming with their farting
then when the sea levels rise they'll take back to the oceans like black and white porpoises. Then we'll really understand why they have 4 stomachs :s
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 11:59, Reply)

aren't porpoises generally black and white?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:00, Reply)

I think you are talking at cross porpoises here.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:01, Reply)

badum - tish.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:02, Reply)

Killer whales are black and white, but there are many others that arn't

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:02, Reply)

killer whales aren't even whales

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:04, Reply)

No YOUN Are

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:05, Reply)

I am indeed.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:24, Reply)

with boiling garlic butter

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 12:00, Reply)