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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Let's talk about your body. Accidents? Surgeries? Scars?

Alt how do you keep fit

Altalt best cuddling methods
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:43, 217 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Stomper!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:44, Reply)
damnit

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:48, Reply)
I have a scar on my knee from when I fell over aged 11 and had to have it stitched up.
I had about three or four operations on my ears as a small child to treat my glue ear.

Alt: I'm not fit.

Altalt: Cuddling methods?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:48, Reply)
glue ear?
Cuddling methods, like specific blanket, music, whatever
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:50, Reply)
Partial deafness in children:
www.nhs.uk/conditions/Glue-ear/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I, er, use my arms and, like, squeeze?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:51, Reply)
oh my god
Did someone forget to put you in the recovery position? :(
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:54, Reply)
It was awful.
Also, mindpiss.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:55, Reply)
Many accidents
Scars on every finger. Stitches on forehead from slipping over as a kid. Stitches around eye from being kicked to fuck. Stitches on elbow from having vodka and coke thrown at me by ex

Alt:
Dog walking/running

AltAlt:
Struggle
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:51, Reply)
Is that why you are so good-looking?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:52, Reply)
Just good genetics

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:04, Reply)
Lies, you've actually been assembled from parts and brought to life via lightning strike

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:35, Reply)
Sportscow X

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:36, Reply)
the brain of a common murderer

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:47, Reply)
i like to run my dog down the street
Just the one street though
I'm too fat to be doing all that jogging nonsense
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:59, Reply)
Scars on my wing mirrors from all my kicking practice.
I cuddle using my mind. It's completely organic.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:52, Reply)
wing mirrors?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:55, Reply)
You'd better not park on my road or your wing mirrors gonna pay the cost.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:56, Reply)
you're a fucking nerd

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:58, Reply)
You love it.
Imma make the best pulled pork tomorrow K, you're gonna wish you were at my mum and dads house.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:59, Reply)
tomorrow is my moms pre-op appointment
I made pulled chicken barbecue last week, I make a bomb ass barbecue sauce
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:01, Reply)
Do you actually make it, or do you open a can?
If you make it, can I have your recipe please?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:04, Reply)
its actually a bunch of other sauces mixed together, i dont make it from scratch
I can still give it to you if you want, but it started out as mixing whatever's in the fridge with what's in the cabinet
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:08, Reply)
bbq sauce = ketchup with caramel added

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:09, Reply)
Does she have a cock?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:04, Reply)
Not yet

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:06, Reply)
Heh heh

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:06, Reply)
shes having her knees replaced

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:09, Reply)
With wheels?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:09, Reply)
I suggested laser cannons, but NO, the doctors knew best

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:10, Reply)
Cocks.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:11, Reply)
just the right height for you to gobble on

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:14, Reply)
i know, it was joke about pre-op transexuals...
either way i hope it all goes well for your "mom"
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:10, Reply)
how do you know she's not post op

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:12, Reply)
Oh man I'm confused now, if i fancy your mum does that make me ghey?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:13, Reply)
only if you want to date "her"

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:16, Reply)
lols

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:16, Reply)
Altalt: I always ensure that the person I am cuddling is in the recovery position first.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:55, Reply)
I cuddle lying on my back while under the influence of opiates.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:56, Reply)
That sounds alright.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:59, Reply)
That's because you only cuddle unconsious children.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:57, Reply)
Medically trained nonce.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:58, Reply)
I can't deny that I have cuddled unconscious children before and I will do it again.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:59, Reply)
I did it just last night.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:01, Reply)
Me too!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:06, Reply)
You sick fucks

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:09, Reply)
cuddling methods?
Open arms, close arms, squeeze - not exactly rocket science is it?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 14:59, Reply)
Depends if they're struggling or not.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:00, Reply)
even then it's just a variation of the above
Open arms, run, close arms, squeeze, don't stop squeezing
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:01, Reply)
squeeze harder
execute figure four leg lock.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:01, Reply)
not really
But, is that what makes sex enjoyable? Spread legs put Willy in
Methods man, methods
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:03, Reply)
cuddling is shit and pointless
blow job or gtfo
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:11, Reply)
Ok, come here then

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:15, Reply)
I love how your beard tickles my perenium

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:16, Reply)
I like the cinema, yawn to hug.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:12, Reply)
That's just the kind of smooth move I've come to expect from you.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:16, Reply)
Scar on my shoulder from when my drink was spiked, and I fell over
One on my chin from falling onto a radiator, one on my wrist from falling down some stairs, one on my eyebrow from going face first into a table.

Alt: I don't.

AltAlt: Naked.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:17, Reply)
They always seem to spike the tenth pint of cider.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:17, Reply)
this^

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:22, Reply)
If you say so.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:25, Reply)

falling down some stairs when Bella persuaded me to join her in cutting myself to protest against men's oppression of women
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:19, Reply)
Fuck no.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:19, Reply)
oh that's awful innit
Did you find out who did that to you?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:26, Reply)
why spike your drink?
Or were you drink surfing and got unlucky?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:38, Reply)
I have a 14 inch vertical scar on my back from when I had three vertebrae fused together.
It's not a good look.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:19, Reply)
is that why you're so short?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:19, Reply)
piss.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:20, Reply)
I lost only 3cm of height, so it wasn't like I was 6' before the op.
I am 5'9''
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:20, Reply)
so the op, moved you from average to below average height?
bad times
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:23, Reply)
5'9'' is average.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:25, Reply)
So it is, you must all be shrinking

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:27, Reply)
You mean you used to be taller?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:20, Reply)
skee lols

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:25, Reply)
Loads of injuries,
Most from Rugby, and then 2 big ones from motorbike accidents. Although thanks to the wonders of modern surgery, very few nasty scars, except my knee.

My job is fairly active, which helps, then I go to the gym as often as I can, I like to swim as my old knee injury doesn't take impact well.

Altalt, the best cuddles are with the one person that you just seem to fold in to, in the most comfortable way, no matter where you are.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:20, Reply)
That's precisely how I imagine it would be cuddling you.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:22, Reply)
can I be little spoon?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:23, Reply)
I insist.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:24, Reply)
I think men should always be the little spoon. you don't get a mouthfull of girl hair.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:28, Reply)
Do you like to be wrapped up in her big strong arms all safe from the world, knowing that your loved after the closness you shared while she was "inside you"?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:32, Reply)
No, I just don't like a bunch of hair in my face.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:34, Reply)
no one does, but the man should never be the little spoon unless they are tiny, and a girl

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:35, Reply)
I've got a bit of a thing about really tall girls.
It's possibly related to some kind of Oedipus complex or summat.
Whatever, it's giving me a lazy lob-on.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:40, Reply)
Meh, I don't obey your rules.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:43, Reply)


(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:44, Reply)
I have the long hair in my relationship.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:33, Reply)
Then big spoon you are.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:34, Reply)
Thanks Yoda!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:36, Reply)
I do love DJ Yoda, I like the way he samples things I have heard on telly into sort of songs.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:44, Reply)
cuddles are comfy for about a minute, then i wnat my space

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:24, Reply)
Luckily so does she.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:25, Reply)
And the flat.
And custody of your daughter.
And half your wages.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:25, Reply)
Don't forget pension & savings.
And blood.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:26, Reply)
is this a bitter divorcee sub thread

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:28, Reply)
Never been divorced and hopefully never will.
Seen what divorce has done to other people & it isn't good.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:29, Reply)
I've begun to assumn everyone here is either permanently single or divorced

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:30, Reply)
I'm really more of a playboy

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:31, Reply)
You can be found in a ditch, crumpled and covered in dry semen?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:33, Reply)
On occasion!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:34, Reply)
Click

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:34, Reply)
I'm happily married.
Not sure if my wife is though.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:31, Reply)
^^ what short arse said ^^

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:32, Reply)
seems unlikely, soz

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:32, Reply)
nah she doesn't, 'hug me to slepp jesus' she says
and i'm all like 'Bitch...nigga needs his muthafuckin space'
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:26, Reply)
You're still sleeping on the sofa then?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:27, Reply)
IT'S REALLY VERY COMNFORTABLE

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:28, Reply)
you're hugging wrong.
I'm going to hug you, and you'll beg me not to let go.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:33, Reply)
swimming is the tits

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:28, Reply)
I'd like to go swimming in tits

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:28, Reply)
Like Scrooge McDuck of the porn world

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:30, Reply)
I want to go more, but if I try and swim hungover I'm sick everywhere.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:32, Reply)
if i try to swim drunk i can't walk for hours after

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:35, Reply)
because you've drowned?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:38, Reply)
WHY HAVE I NEVER BEEN SWIMMING DRINK?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:38, Reply)
because you can't walk after
Or maybe that's just me
It's loads of fun but that's the only time I've fallen down when drunk
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:49, Reply)
I'm gonna try it
My gym does have a bar in it.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:00, Reply)
YOU'RE GONNA GET SKINNED KNEES

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:04, Reply)
is it not all grass smoothies and soyshakes?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:15, Reply)
I had a pint of lager last week.
Although I got withering looks from all the lycra brigade.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:21, Reply)
I went swimming E'd off my lid having not been to bed for 36hrs.
I nearly drowned and lost lots of expensive possessions I was carrying.

I am a flidmo.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:17, Reply)
*Battered's bookmarked post*

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:19, Reply)
I just put CQ on 2.0 for shits and giggles.
It'll briefly confuse him.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:22, Reply)
Not when I tell him it won't.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:25, Reply)
i think it's mostly brought out the bitterness

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:27, Reply)
Hilarious.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:29, Reply)
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(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:44, Reply)
Thanks for that scroll bar.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:46, Reply)
I couldn't help it
Dozer is just too funny for a normal sized screen.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:55, Reply)
I have a big scar on my shoulder that grew with me, allegedly from being cut during my cesaerean
but I bet it was a withered twin really
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:37, Reply)
Bad news eely, you are the withered twin

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:38, Reply)
Welcome to Mars

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:39, Reply)

Welcome Get your ass
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:41, Reply)
You could at least buy me a drink first

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:42, Reply)
shut up and show me your tits-es

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:43, Reply)
*unleashes triple-tits*

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:44, Reply)
strike through "chins" lulz

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:12, Reply)
did your face heal from when your bicycle threw you off in disgust at your coke can Christmas tree and bland office carpet?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:49, Reply)
I still have a little depression in my eye brow
and three pigmented bits on my cheek like a shitty tattoo of a windturbine

and they were totally caused by me swerving to avoid a baby and I hit a man stealing a purse.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:00, Reply)
I thought there was a badger involved.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:03, Reply)
if by badger you mean terrorist

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:03, Reply)
Scars?
One on forehead from an accident. One on tongue from biting through it. Surgical scars on front and back of neck from spinal surgery (2 level ACDF and 4 level posterior foraminotomy). Scar on inside of left forearm - knife wound. Various scars on both hands & arms of indeterminate origin.
A few broken bones but no scars from them.
Alt: It's difficult as impact is out of the question so any running/jogging type of exercise is banned.
Altalt: Depends how well the chloroform has worked.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:42, Reply)
I've got a couple of scars on my hand
one from a pen knife wielded by a crazed madman my little brother, and a couple from a glass I broke while washing up which gouged the fuck out of me.

Also one of my elbows is proper knackered as I damaged it and never got it sorted many years ago.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:44, Reply)
Bored of this now.
Can anyone translate this for me. "can I have a report specifically #service# for December 13 and Jan 13?"
Does that mean they want a report for 2 specific days, or between those two days...
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:48, Reply)
In between.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:49, Reply)
That's what I thought,
what a prick.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:49, Reply)
Perhaps its a typo
and they mean December 12 (2012) and Jan 13 i.e. the last two months.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:57, Reply)
Those two sepcific days.
Obviously.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:55, Reply)
I like that we've not only covered both possibilities but uncovered a third

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:58, Reply)
I'd have said if it says specifically, he wants just those 2 days.
A range of dates would be worded differently. Unless of course said person is a cretin, unable to communicate properly.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 15:58, Reply)
they want a cup of tea and a biscuit

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:04, Reply)
Those 2 complete months

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:05, Reply)

n
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:06, Reply)
he wants a report on jan 2013 and a prediction for Dec 2013

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:06, Reply)
They want you to meet them by the bins at 7pm tonight so you can suck their cheesy bell-end.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:06, Reply)
They want a signed copy of David Essex's debut album on their desk by 5pm today or you're gonna get fired.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:08, Reply)
This is secret NHS code.
What it means is that they're inviting you to join a secret society where you get loads of really cool stuff. All you have to do is give your boss the special sign (get your cock out in front of them and start singing 'Walking in the Air' in a very loud falsetto voice) and you will be initiated.

You are really lucky, man! Let me know how you get on.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:13, Reply)
I am really pleased with this post.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:20, Reply)
I can't wait to hear how he gets on.
How did you find out about this secret NHS club?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:22, Reply)
Well I'm not about to tell the llikes of you.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:27, Reply)
they wanna wanna ziggazig ahh

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:14, Reply)
I think Chompy needs to put all these suggestions in an email and fire it back to him
All of them. It's the only way to be sure.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:24, Reply)
No accidents. I've never even had a filling let alone surgery.
I have a big scar on one of my knuckles from when I punched a wasp through a closed window when I was asleep. I also have a scar under my chin from when my father found me covered in blood and trying to shave when I was about three. Neither of these could be deemed an accident though, I'd say, more 'monumental stupidity on my part'.

On other news, I have a preliminary meeting at 4pm next Weds with a mediator regarding my tedious child access woes. Wish me luck: things are (hopefully) starting to happen.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:06, Reply)
Good luck old chap, was chatting to lusty about this earlier and the situation as it stands sucks donkey cocks

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:07, Reply)
It sucks blue whale cocks.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:08, Reply)
NO YOURN MUM DOES!!!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:12, Reply)
She more a climb into a blue whales vagina sort of gal

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:13, Reply)
awesome,
These things are a long process, but stay sharp.

Why were you punching wasps in your sleep?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:09, Reply)
It was making an irritating noise I think.
Not really sure, for, you see, I was asleep.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:10, Reply)
through a Window?
I find it hard to believe you'd hear a wasp through a pane of glass. I reckon there is something shady going on here.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:15, Reply)
years of MD abuse have heightened his senses to super human levels

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:16, Reply)
The wasp was in my bedroom, dude.
I punched it, and the window it was buzzing against. I woke up to find I was pissing blood out of my hand in front of a broken window.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:19, Reply)
what happened to the wasp?

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:25, Reply)
probably wasn't even real

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:25, Reply)
It's now chairman of ICI.
There's no fucking justice in this world I'm telling you man.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:27, Reply)
oh right, yeah, that would make a lot more sense.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:27, Reply)
Well done lovely
I hope it works out in your favour, pretty sad that you actually want to see your child and she's denying access, when there are so many other men that don't give a fuck
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:09, Reply)
She's not right in the head.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:10, Reply)
wELL SHE DID GO OUT WITH YOU!!!!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:13, Reply)
NO YOURN MUM DID!!!!

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:19, Reply)
I used to have a patch under my chin where no beard would grow
I always suspected it was because as a child I tried to shave like desperate dan, on the spinning back wheel of an upturned bike
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:11, Reply)
I too have a chin scar
caused by me crashing my bike into a skip whilst "slightly" drunk
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:13, Reply)
good luck monts

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:18, Reply)
Thank you Wilfredo.

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:20, Reply)
well, you may be a destitute junkie piece of shit
but you're a good dad, as much as you're able and you deserve a fair chance, as does your daughter deserve a chance at one reasonably stable influence in her life.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:24, Reply)
I have a big scar on my shoulder
where they put the titanium plate in when I cam off mu bicycle. that's about it really, which is amazing given how clumsy I am, that's the first time I've even broken a bone.

Alt: cycling, except I'v had a cold AIDS for the last few month and not been fit to ride safely. :(

AltAlt: it's all about the partner.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:17, Reply)
Altalt: Keep the engine running, use climbing rope and make sure you have a clear getaway.
Also, remember they're most likely going to be coming out of school around 3:30pm so that's the best time to strike.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:25, Reply)
and make sure you've got some bangin choons playing out the speakers, none of that greensleeves shit

(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:27, Reply)
Too right.
Another tip: save money buy merely pretending to have puppies in the van. I spent a fucking fortune in my local pet shop before I worked that one out.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 16:34, Reply)

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