Are you obsessed with viruses?
When was the last time you were.reasonably ill, not just man flu or a slight heasache, but something requiring drugs and a sickie? Alt, when was the last time you were in hospital?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:31, 146 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

1999, genuinely
Had proper full on flu over Christmas and the millenium, lost over 1.5 stone in weight and cughed so hard for so long I was coughing up blood. Didn't feel properly well until February.

It fucks me off when people have a "touch" of the flu.

NO YOU FUCKING DON'T, YOU TWAT!

Last time I was in hospital was for a heart checkup when they thought I was going to drop down dead
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:36, Reply)

I had this exact illness that same year and can confirm that it was well shit.
Stupid millennium.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:40, Reply)

It was fucking awful

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:41, Reply)

I looked like a skeleton when I finally returned to work in January.
I did manage to get a lot of reading and listening to records done though, so swings and roundabouts...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:45, Reply)

I had proper flu.
I was the only one in my flat at the time as well. I felt like I was going to collapse in the shops when I was picking up essential supplies.

The rest of the time was spent on the sofa watching Sharpe under a duvet, if I wasn't dazed from illness at the time it would've been pretty good really.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:52, Reply)

my mum always said this
if you have a "touch of flu", you have a COLD, you bellend.

she said that the test is, if someone put £5k in cash at the foot of the bed, and you couldn't even bend down to get it... then it's real flu.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:55, Reply)

this ^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:03, Reply)

what you had there was the millennium bug

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, Reply)

I felt a bit ill this morning when I saw a person get hit by a train.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:36, Reply)

:o(
Not a good start
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:38, Reply)

Really?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:49, Reply)

:-(

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:49, Reply)

jesus, an accident? or deliberate?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:51, Reply)

Dunno, I didn't hang around.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:52, Reply)

Damn.
Never pleasant when that happens.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

I'll be honest mate, it wasn't nearly as 'lol' as I had hoped.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:56, Reply)

Maybe he was on his way to a training course! LOL
Wait, no. Poor sod.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

unless it's a cyclist...........

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:56, Reply)

A bit low
even for your standards!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

I just got back to my car in the b&q carpark to find not only had I left the keys in bothe ignition...but I'd left the engine running

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:38, Reply)

You're an idiot.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:42, Reply)

Yer...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:48, Reply)

both ignitions?
I'll be honest mate, I don't think that's a car.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:01, Reply)

My wife is always making me go to the doctor about nothing
Trouble is, if you put any symptoms in to the Internet it will tell you that you are going to die.

Last one was a patch of red skin. I claimed sun burn, she claimed skin cancer. Guess who was right.
( Peej, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:39, Reply)

Get nagged by the Mrs about something you know is nothing or have the doctor think you're a flid.
You just can't win for losing can you?
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:48, Reply)

*prays it's the wife*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:49, Reply)

I used to like you

( Peej, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:03, Reply)

I had swine flu in 2009 and that wasn't a lot of fun, but on the plus side I didn't die.
I think the last illness I had that required drugs was a chest infection shortly after that, that just would not fuck off.

Alt: 2011, when baby tangle was born.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:42, Reply)

Last time I was in the hossie was earlier this year Saturday night in A and E.
Delightful, was there 5 hours. Some twat had spiked.my drink fuck knows what with and I'd passed out. Landed on my face it was like a butcher's window. Not nice.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:48, Reply)

I love people tht claim their drink was spiked
because without exception they are actually lying to cover up the fact that they are fucking retards who don't know when to stop.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:02, Reply)

4 pints between 13.00 & 18.00 isn't excessive Sat afternoon session.
Can' t remember this,I left the juicer and seemed normal, someone went out to look for me and I was nowhere to be found. Woke up at home early hours covered in blood. Got a.taxi up to hospital and got cleanedup
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

*cough*BULLSHIT*cough*
Sorry, I coughed there so you might not have heard me calling BULLSHIT.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:11, Reply)

Nah had a blood test ket and 2cb were there.
Apart from mushrooms last Sat I haven' t done any drug apart from the odd joint for a long time.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:16, Reply)

Why would this be bullshit?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:17, Reply)

Because he's a proven drunkard who is also a massive racist.
He got drunk, called someone a derogatory name and got smashed up for it.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:19, Reply)

OK Inspector Morse

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:23, Reply)

Yawns.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:37, Reply)

I'd been working on my laptop in the pub I think some cunt planned to jump me on my way out
Luckily I.wandered off without it and the landlord stuck it in his fl at for me. Could habe been worse but.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:22, Reply)

Alt: Broke my ankle Halloween 2009.
I also managed to forget my shoe when I was having the cast cut off, which made me feel like a bit of a twat.

Anyone who uses the term manflu will be shot and left in a ditch if I ever get into power.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:49, Reply)

It's unlikely that you will ever get into power
But if you did want to head down to Manchester to shoot Pooks, I'm sure we'd all provide an alibi for you.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:53, Reply)

don't know yet
got to go back for tests on friday. if i don't post over the weekend, it was serious and i've died :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:51, Reply)

Malnutrition.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:54, Reply)

worse

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:56, Reply)

Well this is a cheerful thread.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:55, Reply)

Perfect opportunity for bitter ex-wife chat, no?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:58, Reply)

There's been too much of that recently.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:04, Reply)

Tell me about it.
please don't
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Caught chicken pox off one of the sprogs a few years ago
Never had it as a kid, so not immune, spots galore and two sleepless nights sweating and shivering, downright unpleasant all round.

alt: last time for me personally in A&E was about 20 years ago, the second time my forehead caught a hockey stick, stitches across the eyebrow. After that I took up playing in goal as it was safer........
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:00, Reply)

Are colds getting worse as you get older a thing?
The last few I've had since being the wrong side of 25 definitely seem worse.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:03, Reply)

my colds only ever last 3-4 days and I'm the wrong side for 30
hth
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:07, Reply)

What I'd prescribe here is a nice warming cup of man the fuck up.
just possibly with an extra dose of awwwww dry your little eyes, petal

tht usually deals with most colds.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:07, Reply)

My colds are weird, the day before I get any snot etc I feel like shit
then when the snot/cough/etc comes I feel fine, just snotty
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

nope, that's more or less standard
at least that's what I get. 12-24 hours of feeling a bit grotty then a couple of days of sore throat and blocked up but otherwise fine.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

I usually get a scratchy throat first.
They only usually last 3-4 days but they seem to be more debilitating.

Admittedly it could just be that now I'm a grown-up I have to think and do stuff with a cold rather than just sleeping until midday then watching telly.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

Or, you've got background BADAIDS.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:22, Reply)

Last time I was in hospital was for minibadger's birth.
which was nice*

Which makes a change from being in hospital to have bits of my skeleton screwed and plated back together, which is what I'm usually there for.

*wasn't really nice at all, except the final outcome.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:05, Reply)

It's amazing how quickly you forget how traumatic a birth is.
Actually, I'm not sure I have, but I'm pretty sure the wife has forgotten just how shit those few days were.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:08, Reply)

In our case wasn't really that shit for her.
since she was off her tits so didn't notice all the doctors debating why the baby's heart kept stopping and what they should do about it. So she only really found out about that afterwards.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:10, Reply)

epidurals all the way

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:11, Reply)

yes,
emergency ceasarians, less so.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

ah, fair dos
either way my wifes line on the matter, is fuck that natural birth shit, get me some cunting drugs.

/docker
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:16, Reply)

Mrs Cow must have loose twatflaps
As Calf 1 took less than 4 hours from waters broken and Calf 2 was under 2 hours
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:18, Reply)

the doctors sticking his arm in her up to the shoulder probably helped as well

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Yeah, but that was the other hole

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:27, Reply)

If you ever have a Calf 3 it'll be bungee jumping on the umbilical cord

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, Reply)

I just made it to the hospital for Calf 2
Nearly gave birth on the A189
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:24, Reply)

Plus, right, the thing that gets me about this sort of thing is, right..... there's a PERSON crawling out of ANOTHER PERSON.
Not only that, the PERSON is covered in BLOOD and GUTS. And it has a fucking CORD coming out it's bellow, and it [hopefully] can't stop SCREAMING and SHOUTING.

All because you put your willy in there 9 months before.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:14, Reply)

if it's covered in guts, something has gone VERY wrong

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

There was no crawling in our case
there was being forcibly removed with the biggest pair of stainless steel salad servers I have ever seen in my life.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

ARGH
I cannot watch any programmes with poorly kids/birth woes now. They shit me right up
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

one of my mates, the baby got stuck
so they got out the forceps, and then the forceps got stuck.

Apparently, you haven't lived if you haven't seen 3 doctors arguing for 20 minutes about what to do whilst your wife is lying there with a pair of massive tongs jamming out of her vajoo.

Poor bloke looked like he's done two tours of 'Nam when I saw him in the pub later.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:17, Reply)

FUCK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:18, Reply)

apparently "she has an odd shaped vagina"
so not only was it utterly harrowing, and ended with an emergency C, they also slagged off her cunt as well. Fucking NHS, eh?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:19, Reply)

Is she a duck?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:23, Reply)

She's a snowboarder
I don't know if this is relevant but I feel some SCIENCE coming on.

I need a volunteer to thoroughly test the vagina shapes of lady snowboarders. Who's in?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:24, Reply)

About 6 a night, I've heard

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Too many 540s put twists in it, maybe?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:27, Reply)

we had ventouse birth, but luckily didn't get a baby with a cone head

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:19, Reply)

That happened with micro as well. Forceps are gruesome eh?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:19, Reply)

Reminds me of the time I tried to sit in the booths at Brooklins Dinner.
I was alright when I sat down, it's just, getting up was post-burger.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:48, Reply)

The fact that women often do it more than once is how I can scientifically prove that giving birth is less painful than being kicked in the balls
no man will ever say, "you know what, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

Especially if being kicked in the balls
meant that for the next year or two you would get little or no sleep, have zero disposable income and have to spend all your free time tidying up toys, cleaning bottles, making bottles, cooking very small portions of food and having no spontaneous fun at all.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:14, Reply)

No, I fucking hate hypochondriacs, pull yourself together you moaning tub of lard
Alt: Last time I was in hospital was for a 12 week scan and blood tests
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:08, Reply)

is your missus up the duff again?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

I hope not
I spunked in Ape's hairgel, rather than her cavernous mimsy
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

I am a sucker for punishment

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

punishment not noticing the milkman visiting
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:14, Reply)

Gonna need a bigger flat.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

looking at a house on Wednesday!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

Moving out of London then?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Yep, down to Winchester for a year, then will branch out into the country side more

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:22, Reply)

This will be the beginning of fat ape, you mark my words.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:26, Reply)

\o/

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:30, Reply)

Congratulations.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Cheers bruv, looking forward to it
although mrs ape has been fucking miserable this time around
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Just remind her that pregnancy is not an illness, that should cheer her up!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:22, Reply)

nope, it's a sexually transmitted disease.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:23, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:24, Reply)

You sat outside in the car while she gave birth?
Or did you just leave the engine running?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

in case of emergencies you see, I gotta make a quick get a away
Alright Al? You've been around much recently
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:10, Reply)

No I haven't.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:12, Reply)

it's good to talk

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:15, Reply)

Hi Bob.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:25, Reply)

Still taller than BAttered

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:27, Reply)

Had flu years ago - very very unpleasant, thankfully I haven't felt that ill since
Alt: Last time in hospital was for the second bout of surgery on my cervical spine. They opened me up from the back, hacked the bones about (the previous surgery was a great success, however my bones kept growing and started pressing on my spinal cord so they had to cut the extra bits out) and then left me in bed for a couple of days with my head bolted to a frame so I didn't move.
The scar from the second surgery is pretty spectacular, the first one, where they went in from the front and put the plate and bolts in, is hardly noticeable.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:09, Reply)

Placid has a cervix!!
LOL
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:10, Reply)

If it looks like a cunt.....

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:11, Reply)

Then it's probably a shit worker from Coventry.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:13, Reply)

... then it's David Beckham?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:13, Reply)

ow ow ow ow ow ow

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:10, Reply)

Maybe you should have asked HimJin for something a little smaller

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:14, Reply)

The CUNTBUSTER is mine, I tell you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:16, Reply)

I think all the mumsnet chat has scared everyone away.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:38, Reply)

Frog is probably having flash backs by now and has hidden in the loo

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:40, Reply)

I wonder if HH has killed himself. What with the unemployment, affair etc.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:41, Reply)

+ being a cunt

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:43, Reply)

HH is Al?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:43, Reply)

I'm only sorry there wasn't more of an online breakdown.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Same with Chompy. His passive aggressive departure was somewhat of a disappointment.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:44, Reply)

yeah but YOU know that he is still lurking

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:45, Reply)

The prick.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:45, Reply)

and vanity searching like a mo'fo

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:46, Reply)

and having cry wanks over the departure of his sex worker ex.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:49, Reply)

he'll already have screen shotted all her "hot friends with no inhibitions on facebook", mind you
I DID A NEW THREAD
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:51, Reply)

Will someone please start a new thread?
PLEASE
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:44, Reply)