Good morning my internet chums
I would like to know of your hidden talents please. Can you play an instrument, run very fast, count cards, gotta leave the table?

NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

My Mum has no hidden talents. They are all on view (for a fee)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:03, 139 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

I can play a few instruments, but I don't think this counts as hidden talent as I bang on about it all the time
And also, I'm not that talented at any of them.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:09, Reply)

Which instruments?
I can play guitar to an "OK" level
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:10, Reply)

I'm an above average guitarist and have transferred this skill to similar instruments: banjo, ukulele, that sort of thing
I also have grade seven piano and can play the drums really badly.
I reckon I could squeeze something almost recognisable out of most instruments.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:16, Reply)

I squeezed something almost recognisable out of your mum's instrument last night
I just did a little sick in my mouth
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:35, Reply)

She has a very nice guitar.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:59, Reply)

You can play THE guitar, THE

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:34, Reply)

I only have a guitar, not THE guitar

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Why are guitarists always so gay about it?
It's like: "yeah guys, you can play a guitar, stop fucking wanging on about it"

You don't hear me banging on about how Issigonis was more important than Bertone, right?
( Kroney, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:14, Reply)

We all believe that girls might be impressed enough to touch our willies when they see what we can do.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:17, Reply)

I'd touch your glans

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:35, Reply)

This is life

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:41, Reply)

I can annoy anyone I want to, within seconds, simply by quoting films.

( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:10, Reply)

#youcanthandlethetruth

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:11, Reply)

I used to be a pretty good drummer but I haven't played in years.
I'm also good a memorising numbers which I'm sure would be of some use somewhere. Oh, and urban street dance.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:10, Reply)

My memory is stupid
I can remember really crap things but nothing useful
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:11, Reply)

I can also click all my fingers at once so it sounds like bubble wrap but that one I can't find a use for.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Beatboxing?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:14, Reply)

I can't do that, but I try because it annoys and embarrasses my nephew

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:15, Reply)

Morning Sporters
I can waggle my left eyebrow completely independently of the other one. Apparently it's "very fucking odd" to watch. My kids can do it as well - only the left one though, the right one seems to be much more difficult. WTF is all that about?

I've just tried to play catch up on the threads that I missed since yesterday. What in the name of jesus titty-fucking christ is going on with the spelling? I thought I was having a stroke.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 May 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Moore's Law innit
Morning. My arms hurt. Major digging last night to clear out for a new patio
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Moore's Law?
Spelling deteriorates by 100% every 18 months?

On the plus side, the wife's time is near eh?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 May 2014, 9:31, Reply)

*eyebrow*
Moore's Law

Yeah, I've told her once
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:32, Reply)

I completed Jet Set Willy on the Speccy

( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:15, Reply)

:O

( Kroney, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:15, Reply)

Amstrad FTW

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:17, Reply)

I've got a brilliant memory
but only for stuff that will never be useful outside of a pub quiz. And birthdays.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:16, Reply)

this^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:20, Reply)

I'm pretty good at carpentry

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:18, Reply)

And plumbing.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:19, Reply)

A short plumber...
Do you have a bushy tache and many pairs of dodgy red dungarees?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:34, Reply)

Give him a mushroom and see if he grows

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Better idea
Put him at the bottom of a ramp with a massive fuck-off gorilla throwing barrels at him
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:39, Reply)

There's a Swipe joke here...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:47, Reply)

Fuck off.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:40, Reply)

Age before beauty
Off you fuck
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:46, Reply)

I'm good at doing dark graphic comics.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:22, Reply)

This topic doesn't interest me.
I'd like to know how people are going to contribute to this: www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/caucasians-with-dreadlocks-demand-to-face-more-discrimination-2014050786295.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:24, Reply)

A mate of mine had another mates dreadlocks woven into his hair when he shaved them off
This looked even more stupid than you might think as the recipient had blonde hair and the donor black hair
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:28, Reply)

What a complete plait.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:28, Reply)

I hated them before it was fashionable.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:32, Reply)

I have many hidden talents.
And it's going to stay that way.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 7 May 2014, 9:28, Reply)

oh ohhhhh oh ohhhh oh
Mysterious Ed
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:29, Reply)

Cycling Ave at spelling.
Play harmonica reasonably. Thinking of getting a pilot'a licence, I'be had a go at flying, it'a Ave.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:28, Reply)

I think you need to see a doc Doc
Flying is all of the win. I had a lesson for a birthday present a few years ago and it was fucking awesome!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:29, Reply)

Perhaps learn how to write first?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:30, Reply)

He's worse than me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:36, Reply)

You don't need a licence for pilota.
Just a stick and a bobbin and some string.
And how do you bend notes? I can't do it for toffee.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 7 May 2014, 9:32, Reply)

Combination of tongue and inhalation.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Enough of your oral technique

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:36, Reply)

:p

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:37, Reply)

I want to know why your predictive thinks "a" should ever follow it'

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Putting the dic into predictive

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:36, Reply)

And the H into situation

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:39, Reply)

Shut it
or I'll put the U into me

No, wait....
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:40, Reply)

Meu?
Sounds like a fucking Pokemon
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:46, Reply)

Gotta bum 'em all

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:49, Reply)

I poked your mom last night

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:49, Reply)

*polite applause*
When are you coming to see me then you bastard?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:53, Reply)

At the moment...never
Soz
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:01, Reply)

HARTBRAKERRRRRR

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:02, Reply)

He's the man, the man with the GOOOOOOOOLDEN touch

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:22, Reply)

That's my hamfisted typing.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:36, Reply)

I'm guessing that we now know what Gonz's new job involves programming.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:37, Reply)

Nothing's stopping you from reading back what you've written
before you post it, you know.
( Kroney, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Why would anyone do that?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:44, Reply)

jesus christ

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:43, Reply)

Yes my son?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:44, Reply)

its good how the tradition of doctors having illegible writing has moved into the digital age

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:45, Reply)

I can get my entire little finger up my nose.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 7 May 2014, 9:44, Reply)

Now THIS is impressive!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:46, Reply)

Nah
THIS is impressive

i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/12/19/article-2250533-0038406300000258-19_634x524.jpg
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:47, Reply)

Monty looks much better as a brunette

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:49, Reply)

She is so fucking ugly, its terrifying

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:50, Reply)

Who dat?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 7 May 2014, 9:51, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2276156
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:52, Reply)

It's surely no accident that every digit fits into our nostrils
We're clearly meant to pick our noses
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:55, Reply)

I reckon that's the case.
My old dear tried to tell me that it fucks up your nasal membrane and then you'll get ill or die or something, but I pointed out that if that was the case evolution would've made our fingers bigger or our nostrils smaller.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:49, Reply)

I was able to make both the twins from Funhouse cum from anal penetration alone
and get them to come back for seconds
( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:49, Reply)

twins from Funhouse Krankies
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:50, Reply)

Do they have to be mutually exclusive?
I did the Krankies too, and ALL of the Corrs
( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:02, Reply)

In which order?
Be honest
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:02, Reply)

The Corrs?
Andrea, Jim, Caroline, Andrea again, Caroline, Jim and Andrea together, Andrea anally, Caroline, Andrea,



















Sharon
( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:05, Reply)

Juan?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:07, Reply)

He stood in the corner and filled a tissue.

( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:09, Reply)

No, he clearly said all of them.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:22, Reply)

If you've done Juan, you've dun 'em all

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:24, Reply)

I never did work out why human cloning stalled after so successful a dry run

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:15, Reply)

I used to be able to play the Saxophone to a very high standard
But I don't think I can anymore.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:55, Reply)

Could you play the solo from Baker St?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:56, Reply)

Yes

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:59, Reply)

I heard you used to sex a bone

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:56, Reply)

With our mutual acquaintance?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:03, Reply)

I think he played the flute from memory.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:04, Reply)

Or it might have been the clarinet.
I can't remember, I only really did it for the chicks
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:05, Reply)

How did that work out for you?
He's about to be a dad for the second time. Bitches be trippin.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:08, Reply)

I usually got to finger bang someone on the bus while we were on tour.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:24, Reply)

This one time, at sax camp

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:25, Reply)

I can wiggle my ears. And do the individual eyebrow thing
I can also dislocate my little fingers at will
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:01, Reply)

But do you have any hidden talents?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:17, Reply)

Nope
I am just as shit in real life as I am on here
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:26, Reply)

I'm good at fishing, in that I can get them out the water.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:18, Reply)

I have never fished

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:24, Reply)

Me neither
I have however spent a lovely afternoon sitting by a lake drinking beer whilst idiots ruined it for themselves by catching fish.
( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:33, Reply)

I have retractable claws for tearing apart prey
Oh.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:28, Reply)

I have a retractable penis for tearing apart YM's anus.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 May 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I'm a lot better at cooking than my appearance suggests.
But that's mainly because my appearance suggests that I survive on a mixture of Fray Bentos and onanism.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I haven't discovered mine yet.
I'm canny at cooking.
I have an unhealthy knowledge of pop music.


NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:46, Reply)

I complained to AirWick about their "4 in 1" freshners
The 4 points they make are what an air freshener should do anyway.
All I got was an email saying it's been passed to the Marketing department.

I got a fiver out of Ainsley Harriot.
Who's next..?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:49, Reply)

You complained that their product does what they claim it does?
You were lucky to get a response.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:54, Reply)

Their packaging meant it came across like something new.
They even do 5 in 1, that is again what an air freshener is supposed to do.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:56, Reply)

You complained that their packaging and marketing did what it was designed to do, in that it made an idiot buy it?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:57, Reply)

I'd like to state for the court that I did not buy said product, Milady

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:02, Reply)

So you're complaining about something you haven't purchased? You utter bellend.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:03, Reply)

I noticed it on the shelves and my lads landlord bought some for their house.
and, yeah.
Shut the fuck off.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:05, Reply)

I dunno, I don't really have a problem with just working to earn money instead of annoying other people just trying to do the same.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Is that what you charge for topless handjobs?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:54, Reply)

AND A TITWANK!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:55, Reply)

^ fatty

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:56, Reply)

^ Beanpole yurt cunt

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 10:56, Reply)