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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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come on children, wake upwhat's the worst thing a man can do? nothing too major, just appearance/behaviour/habits/hobbies?
what's the worst thing a woman can do?
alt: if something can be hot or cold, like salmon or quiche (or salmon quiche) or tea, how do you like it, baby?
altalt: go on then. LUNCH?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:46,
157 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Woman: be ginger, fat, northern, have sucked chompy's cock and be a fucking idiot. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:49,
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and still crawl over broken glass for 15 miles rather than give you one(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:05,
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I slept through my alarm and woke up at 10:15Logged in remotely to surreptitiously slip a morning's annual leave into the calendar and ended up investigating and fixing a problem in the test environment and reviewing someone's code.
Now I need to surreptitiously remove a morning's annual leave from the calendar and set my status to WFH.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:49,
Reply)
I dunno I think the worst thing a man could do would be to accidentally give himself a papercut on his bellendI haven't yet though thank fuck.
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Peej, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:51,
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That daft bint Delia Smith said theres nothing worse than a soggy souffle. I beg to differ bitch!
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Peej, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:53,
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Why would you be dealing with paperwork nude? (
Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 May 2014, 11:54,
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I don't really care what other men do, As long as their not offensively odorous, loud, obnoxious or stupid then they can carry on.
Women need to make an effort constantly. None of this "comfy house clothes" or "nipping to the shops in my gym stuff" nice dress high heels, hair done, good looking always. No fatties. No smelly. No excess body hair and as little talking as possible. Enough to keep the conversation going, but not enough I hear any of her ridiculous opinions on stuff.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 May 2014, 11:53,
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one of my friends was talking to her ex the other day. he has always had a thing for "never settling for less than a 9" (he may be a phenomenally successful music video director... but he's also 5'4" with a face like a smashed crab). he's finally knocked up some leggy blonde bint.
and he actually had the nerve to complain that she is "too into her looks and jewellery" and "isn't that much fun". hahahaha. do enjoy reaping what you sow.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:11,
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Can somebody who is friends with Martin the anal telephonist from dunstable let him know that I very much appreciate his comic recommendation.
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:53, Reply)
Oh christ don't drag all that up again. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:57,
Reply)
I was.I was his friend.
But now I'm not.
Let's just say, he's an over sensitive bellend and leave it at that.
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:58, Reply)
He'll understand.Me and him, we're like star crossed lovers. Destined to be apart but meant to be together.
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:13, Reply)
Socks with sandalsWomen spitting make me want to vom
Alt:
Salmon warm, quiche cold
AltAlt:
Dunno yet - got a cheque to put into le banque so will get something in town
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 11:54,
Reply)
Genius review of Coldplay latest offeringwebcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://thequietus.com/articles/15274-coldplay-ghost-stories-review
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Peej, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:01,
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Works for meOh well thequietus.com/articles/15274-coldplay-ghost-stories-review the non cached version seemed to be borked
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Peej, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:03,
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C&P for youTwo years in the making, alternative rock band Coldplay’s new album, essentially a concept piece about Chris Martin’s break-up with Gwyneth Paltrow, has certainly garnered a number of extremely favourable reviews. In today’s harsh critical climate when major groups can expect to be torn to pieces by a fearless music press regardless of the consequences, that’s remarkable indeed. It’s all the more remarkable given that all things considered, Ghost Stories is from its arse to its f***ing elbow, one, long stagnant f***ing pool of premium grade f***ing cockwash! I would rather chew off my f***ing scrotum than ever listen again to this boneless f***ing melange of morose f***ing piss-shit! I would rather eat an entire f***ing yurt, washed down with f***ing beige paint recently shat out of an incontinent yak’s anus! Put it this way; so remorselessly insubstantial is this album that if it were submitted to the f***ing British Homeopathic Association as a f***ing potential remedy, they’d f***ing knock it back, saying: “No good, mate. You’ve over-diluted it, you silly twat!”
Never in human f***ing history, since fish first slithered onto the f***ing land and sprouted limbs has there been a more nondescript f***ing decade than the f***ing Noughties and never has there been a more nondescript f***ing group than those gelatinous c***lords Coldplay! They made Dido sound like Bessie f***ing Smith! They filled the giant f***ing void in pop culture in the early 21st century because they are a giant f***ing void! Somehow, Martin’s knack for trudging up and down a keyboard like a middle aged man in f***ing chinos strolling to the f***ing corner shop to buy the f***ing Daily Express while singing like he’d just been kneed in the f***ing bollocks caught the zeitgeist of the dullest, do-nothing, think-wishfully generation of all f***ing time! In the rock & roll hall of fame they sit near the f***ing exit like a f***ing birch veneer occasional f***ing table! Getting excited about f***ing Coldplay is like getting excited about the f***ing Liberal Democrat Spring conference!
Anyway, Martin got married to f***ing Gwyneth Paltrow, that ghastly, gulping, giraffe-necked, sick-making long drink of carb-averse goop, they created their own f***ing hole in the f***ing ozone layer flying around the world with Martin warbling about how concerned they were about the f***ing environment, spawned a couple of sprogs and saddled them with life-ruining names, promoted every f***ing vapid strain of spiritual, anti-materialist New Age nonsense while raking in the f***ing ackers like whorehounds and then finally “consciously uncoupled”, though it’s a f***ing wonder either of them could stay f***ing conscious in each other’s company at all, given that they’re the two most testicle-achingly f***ing tedious people on earth! And now Chris is sad. He feels like shit. And he’s perfectly conveyed that unremittingly f***ing excremental condition on f***ing Ghost Stories!
So, track one 'Always In My Head' sets the f***ing dolorous tone. “I think of you/I haven’t slept.”, whines Martin, while f***ing George, Ringo and Ringo or whoever the f*** the other three are try not to fall asleep at their f***ing instruments. Next up, 'Magic'. No, sorry, it’s not about actual magic. Tommy f***ing Cooper retrieving the f***ing ace of spades from a pack using a f***ing blindfolded wooden duck, not that. Nothing remotely entertaining. No, as f***ing ever, Chris Martin’s here to suck all the f***ing joy out of the room like a giant f***ing Happiness Hoover! A wan swirl of keyboards, like that pink water you get at the f***ing dentist’s swilling down a f***ing metal hole, and Chris is all about how he f***ing “can’t get over” you know who.
At which point you have to say: For f***’s sake, why, man? Gwyneth Paltrow no longer being in your life is like having a 14 inch long celery stick that’s been stuck up your arse for years surgically removed! You should be f***ing delirious! This album should be a series of f***ing honky-tonk piano-driven upbeat bangers with titles like 'Wahoo!' and 'Thank F*** Almighty, Free At Last!' and 'I Don’t Have To Knit My Breakfast No More!', all accompanied to the sound of six-shooters fired into the f***ing ceiling with both hands! All your f***ing friends hated her, were you not aware of that? But no, Chris is sad, so on we f***ing crawl through the cesspools of f***ing self-pity. “All I know is I love you/so much it hurts.” (yep, that stench coming from Stratford-Upon-Avon isn’t the drains, it’s f***ing Shakespeare shitting himself in his grave). I’d suggest you drown your f***ing sorrows, Chris, but it’d probably be best all round if you f***ing drowned yourself!
Next up; 'True Love', to a tune akin to watered down elephant smegma slowly dripping into a f***ing plastic bucket. “I wish you could have let me know/What’s really going on below.” No, kids, he doesn’t mean genitalia. Martin and Paltrow are like 1930s Disney nymphs, they don’t f***ing have genitalia. He means f***ing feelings, the c***. Cue also the worst, truncated f***ing guitar solo in f***ing history - like a dying kitten mewing for help, then remembering that this is a world with f***ing Coldplay in it and deciding not to f***ing bother. Now “Midnight” - and guess what? Chris is alone, alone. I’m not f***ing surprised. Any evening out with him’s gonna be a f***ing brief one, with mates making their excuses and back home in time for f***ing Channel 4 News!
'Another’s Arms' begins with an androgynous, anaemic yelp that is quite possibly the whitest moment in all of popular f***ing culture. Shirley f***ing Temple serenading the f***ing Ku Klux Klan with 'White Christmas' during a f***ing snowstorm could scarcely be any f***ing whiter. Next 'Oceans'. Seriously, just f*** off, you insufferable f***ing streak of twatrot! 'A Sky Full Of Stars' breaks into a disco house groove but it’s funkless like a f***ing HSBC staff party - “wave your arms in the air, finish your f***ing mineral water and be back at your desks at 7.15 sharp tomorrow morning!” And so the album wends on - imagine Christ, instead of having to carry the f***ing cross to f***ing Calvary having to carry a giant, ten foot long flaccid penis instead - that’s how listening to this f***ing album feels by this stage!
Finally, the f***ing title track itself. Chris wonders if he himself is “just a ghost”. Tell you what, Martin, you woeful f***ing waste of a snail’s time, here’s one way of f***ing finding out - why not run into that f***ing brick wall head first? Twenty times, just to be f***ing sure?
There was another track but the f***ing CD physically f***ing evaporated before I could play it. Coldplay? C***grey, more like! There’s only one f***ing substance on this earth more colourless and full of f***ing nothing than Ghost Stories and that’s f***ing Gwyneth Paltrow’s urine!
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:03,
Reply)
IN 2014, FUCK SHITPANTS MARTIN(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:44,
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I just wish he'd make it clear where he stood instead of prevaricating(, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:10, Reply)
stupid cunt can't even spell 'fucking' also not reading that, looks shit
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MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:13,
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Bit harsh, Chris Martin is a very interesting chapwww.collapseboard.com/music-blogs-3/a-week-in-the-life-of-chris-martin/
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:16,
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There is no skill whatsoever in shooting down a Coldplay recordIt's like punching a toddler
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:18,
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How many Coldplay albums do you own?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:20,
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Yeah, but since the Eurocrats in Brussels stopped us punching toddlers, what else is there?(, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:22, Reply)
Next they'll be saying it's wrong to laugh at teenage girls commiting suicide.(, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:24, Reply)
I love Mr AgreeableMore album reviews should be like this
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:04,
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Worst thing a man can do? Be smelly/unkempt/unwashedWomen? The same, plus don't drink to excess in groups - you all end up screeching like harpies.
Alt: Quiche can be served hot or cold. Not to me though - I'm not a homosexualist. Tea when served cold is only fit for the drains or Americans.
Altalt: Lunch is home-made spicy chicken stew and pilau rice
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:09, Reply)
The best thing a man can be is a MEGALAD #topbantaThe worst he can be is a vegetarian, because that basically makes him a lesbian.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:11,
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The worst behaviour exhibited by both sexes is intolerance to others over trivial matters.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:17,
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I tend to find that when a person is sexist towards one genderthey find it particularly irritating when another person is sexist towards theirs. Bit of 'ooman hobservation, there.
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Kroney, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:20,
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Shhh now love, the lads are talking about gender equality here(
MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:27,
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Small wonder then that the overriding impression is that it's only the hot ones that are worth bothering with.(
Kroney, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:25,
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lucky for men that hot women are not at all interested in men being rich and powerful and successful, innit(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:31,
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Bit like how people that sneer at people for being culturally ignorant are amongst the most wilfully ignorant when it comes to science/maths innit?(
Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:05,
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I don't beleive in sexismIf women want to get all fucking worked up about the amount of tits in Game of Thrones they should hang themselves first.
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Peej, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:26,
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Last one I watched, there was a fair amount of naked chaps, as well.More witless yammering from the idiot sex.
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Kroney, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:28,
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There was an article in the guardian (unsurprisingly)with this woman going on about how she didn't watch the show, but watched two episodes and then decided not to watch it again because it featured breasts and rape and murder and this was wrong.
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I don't have a problem with breasts, rape or murder.I have a problem with how shit it looks
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:31,
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Man - christ, who cares? Poor dental hygeine I guess.Women - hairy pits and smelly minge.
Alt: I like my salad lukewarm.
AltAlt: Chicken salad roll and a massive mug of tea.
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:33, Reply)
According to a newspaper just 2 minutes excercise a day can prevent diabetesI bet stunned is kicking himself...well he would, if he could
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:35,
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Extra spicy tuna with jellypenos and peppers in a seeded bunFucking lovely
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:45,
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You just dont like seafood do you?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:50,
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You can get Linda McCartney fish fingers now(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:04,
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and when you grow up do you think you'll like fish?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:15,
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What about a fresh tuna steak? The tinned stuff is meh, but tuna steaks are excellent. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:55,
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Fish. Too fishy. Stupid woman.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 May 2014, 13:01,
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did you see gonz's brilliant gonzism?aunty chokes...
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:51,
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I had some lamb chops last week that were fucking NOM(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 12:58,
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I've not had lamb chops in months and months :((
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:04,
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I reckon I've eaten about 12 in the last two weeks.(
MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:05,
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I have just found free quiche in our kitchen(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:20,
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Careful now, I heard quiche is for gays and should be illegal(
MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:21,
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I only had to teabag to get it(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:21,
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My mrs roasts a lamb joint pretty regularly.She's a keeper.
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Kroney, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:09,
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I can confirm that yes, your girlfriend does enjoy pork. Mine particularly.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:34,
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Rice do amazing chops. and skewers.
and pretty much anything.
I love Rice.
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GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:22,
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Cheat. For bothOr y'know, murder or summat.
alt. Hot all the way baby. we didn't invent fire for nothing
altalt. Mexican chicken and rice. OLE!
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GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:18,
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Falsely claim rapeAlt: Salmon fresh out of the oven is godly.
AltAlt: Pastrami, cheese & onion panini, washed down with a pint or 3.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:19,
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I cooked a whole salmon on Boxing DayIt was fucking lovely
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:20,
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Mrs Cow's mum always did one for Boxing Day so I made oneBit of lemon and lime in, butter and white wine. It was only £12 and fed about 15 people
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 May 2014, 13:25,
Reply)
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