Early morning thread.
Why are you an arsehole? What do you do, that you know singles you out as a bit of a prick, either at work or home? I make sure I get all the easy bits of a job that I'm running, and give the next best to the engineers I like instead of fairly distributing work load.

Alt: got pulled over by the police on the way home. Didn't do nuffing. You ever get in trouble?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 7:23, 172 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

All by myself. Don't wanna be, all by myself.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 7:52, Reply)

#L84werkagenkru

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:03, Reply)

Oh dear.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:06, Reply)

It's ok, I was on my bicycle so...
..."I had a puncture"

Actually no one has noticed, only 20 minutes late in the end. Still, poor form and lower than the standards I expect of myself.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:32, Reply)

lower your expectations
©simple solutions inc
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:54, Reply)

bit bullying izn't it

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:07, Reply)

I'm a charming motherfucker
ACAB
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:17, Reply)

Depends. Some people think I'm great.
Others think I'm an unbearably intolerant arsehole. It all tends to hinge on how stupid I think a person is.
( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:20, Reply)

I think you're unbearably hairy.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:28, Reply)

You secretly want to plait it all.
Long, glorious plaits all down my back and shoulders
( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:35, Reply)

this is the sexiest post that'll be written this week

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:58, Reply)

Kroniney

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:11, Reply)

I AMBUSHED YOU WITH A CUPPA CWORFEE

( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:15, Reply)

I'm great
Alt: Been pulled over twice since I moved in May, both times by the same pair of traffic cops on the same stretch of road at about the same time. They thought I'd been to the next village to drink at a popular pub. I'd been to see the Doris.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:21, Reply)

Hmm I am something of a prick, it's true.
I suppose I have quite a low opinion of other people, assuming them to be less bright than me.
This is often misinterpreted as arrogance, or having a high opinion of myself, which is really not the case - I don't think I'm better than them, I think they are worse than me.

Alt: I have never broken the law.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:39, Reply)

You're not better than me. I'm the best one here.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:53, Reply)

Of course, I don't include any of you lot in this.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:57, Reply)

you are
Dunno why anybody else would even argue the point. Cunts.
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:57, Reply)

ronin in the 90s

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:45, Reply)

for I'm the type of boy who is always on the roanin

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 8:47, Reply)

I do try not to be an arsehole
but I can be one when I think things are "not right" with something. I'll argue my point to the death

Alt:
Nah mate. I'm good innit
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:04, Reply)

You're not trying very hard. Everyone here hates you. And your stupid kids. And your sexy wife.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:11, Reply)

\o/

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:31, Reply)

The hot topic of debate in the office is the correct lanes to use on the roundabout that leads to the workplace
It's got three lanes at one end where the left and middle lane can go right and the middle lane goes to the second exizzzzzzz

Actually I'm the one that started it and I'm fucking right and anyone that disagrees is a cunt and "fucking shit" to boot. Thank goodness it's Friday.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:12, Reply)

I had two cunts look at me when I used the right hand lane of a dual carriageway to go straight on over a roundabout
onto a dual carriageway

The clue is in the name DUAL
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:26, Reply)

It's almost as though the large majority of people are utter know-nothing spastics.

( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:27, Reply)

I drive a lot these days.
They're all cunts krone. I used to think "maybe they just don't know the area, or are confused" but no. Stupid knobs everywhere.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Welcome to the club of hate, Windy. Help yourself to a doughnut.
I am regularly horrified by the standard of driving on our roads. I'm not exactly perfect myself, but even so the things other people do astound me.
( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:39, Reply)

I drive around 30, 000 miles a year
Some of the stuff I see beggars belief.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:42, Reply)

The worst offenders seem to be, for all the talk of BMW and Audi drivers, those people in fucking great 4x4s.
Those things should be on a separate licence, I have seen very, very few people who've been able to handle one of those things properly.
( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:47, Reply)

'...for all the talk of BMW and Audi drivers, those people in fucking great 4x4s.'
Yep, like Q7s and X5s
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:56, Reply)

What's the big porsche on called?
Those are almost all driven by loonies.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:58, Reply)

Cayenne
Based on the VW Touareg
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:59, Reply)

Cayenne (sp)

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:59, Reply)

The Range Rover Sport is a popular knobend car up here
Bought by people not quite well off enough to buy a proper RR and with a chip on their shoulders due to this
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:58, Reply)

Yes yes you all whine about them but what you fail to understand is 90% of the primary schools in the greater London area are up mountains.

( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:59, Reply)

You'd honestly think that the average mid-forties Richmond based mum had to negotiate through swaps to get to Waitrose, if you based your guess on car choice.

( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:17, Reply)

Three main issues round here
1. Village idiots on souped-up chavmobiles hooning round country lanes
2. Henriettas in the 4x4 that Daddy bought them - driving while turned round talking to their friends in the back/texting/doing their makeup/all of the foregoing at the same time/

But the very very worst are...
3. Old decrepit half-blind fuckers who just drive out of junctions/across roundabouts/anyfuckingwhere with a look of terror on their face and zero awareness of their surroundings and an absolute inability to use indicators - or using them whenever they twitch the steering wheel.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:06, Reply)

3 additional:
Often in the souped up version of the car they should have i.e. v70 Volvo
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:08, Reply)

I watched a car cut across 4 lanes of fast traffic,
To get to the exit to the M4, only to slam her brakes on and narrowly miss smashing in the back of a police van sitting in the queue on the slip road. Then reverse a little and drive round the copper on the chevron markings.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:49, Reply)

I hope they pulled her

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:53, Reply)

Dunno, I was too busy talking on the phone doing 60 in the middle Lane to notice.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:59, Reply)

p c
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:00, Reply)

when i was learning to drive, i had my first dad-lesson in my shiny red beetle
before i'd even buckled my seatbelt, he said this:

"always remember that everyone else on the road is a twat. if you always expect them to act like a twat, you'll always be prepared."

fair enough.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:00, Reply)

Something about beetles bonnet
*plays laughter track*
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:05, Reply)

Pistols at dawn

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:47, Reply)

Some bint in a bmw tank tried to have a go at me the other day for walking out in front of her car when she was turning out of a doctors surgery onto a main road.
When she'd already had to stop for someone else. The law's clear on this, I had right of way. I just shook my head in disgust, then shortly afterwards regretted not flicking the v's instead.

I have to say though, I'm quite a fan of the 'slingshot manoeuvre' on roundabouts where you use the right lane and go all the way round to turn left.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:59, Reply)

Morning worker bees. How's wedsnesday treating you? How was your commute? Colleagues being annoying at all?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Oh you know, got out late, had to get to the station
I was ronin up that road, ronin up that hill, ronin up that building.
( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:18, Reply)

SHIT BAD NO

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:19, Reply)

I walked to the park and threw bread at a swan then walked to the office
Bit of a failure really. Only hit the swan once and the coffee maker needed filling up with beans.
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:24, Reply)

Great. Quick. Only a couple of women and the guy in the bright orange Honda. The rest agree with me.

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:25, Reply)

The commute was from my bedroom, via the shower to the kitchen and then into my home office...
...so, pretty uneventful.
My colleagues aren't here so they're not annoying me.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Me too.
I'm surprised I didn't bump into you.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:50, Reply)

depends what time you started
Flexi-time ftw!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:57, Reply)

Currently my flexitime seems to consist of 8:30 till 6, with half an hour for lunch if I'm lucky.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:25, Reply)

It's Thursday...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:40, Reply)

for you maybe

( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Out of all the things that surprise me about this
The biggest shock is that nobody else noticed. The least shocking of all is that Nakers doesn't know what day it is.
( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:48, Reply)

The biggest shock for me is that Nakers spelt Wednesday with an extra s and no capital letter.

( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:55, Reply)

If that's a big shock to you, you're going to find the wider world a very scary place, indeed.

( Kroney, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:16, Reply)

Well sorryeeeeeee! I just expected worse, thats all.

( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:20, Reply)

I just thought it was yet another meme I didn't understand

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:09, Reply)

Those londoners and their lahdedah days of the week

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:52, Reply)

yeah yeah
we all know it's still 1932 in cornwall
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:01, Reply)

Oh here we go again!
STOP BULLYING ME! www.cybersmile.org/advice-help/category/cyberbullying-and-the-law
( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:21, Reply)

Friday for me
There's cayke in the lunchroom so it must be
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:07, Reply)

I'm mean to people on the internet even if I like them
alt. No, I don't get caught.
( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Not really an arsehole but I am a bit of a prick
I just tend to lightly mock people.

Alt: As a grown up no, and a kid yeah lots. Weird thing being that even though I am now a semi respectable adult I still get the occasional panic when I see plod in the car behind me
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 9:57, Reply)

prolly because you're riding your Chopper on the pavement with shoplifted mojos hidden in the hood of your duffel coat

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:04, Reply)

Blackjacks Asherley

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:06, Reply)

i'm lovely, me
i just do one thing at work that i know is prickish, but i can't help myself. in my defence, i've only done it three times in eight years.

if i'm really hungover or just tired, only a really icy cold diet coke will do. so i buy one and pop it in the fridge on my floor. and turn it way up to max for an hour or so, even though i suspect this may well freeze all the lunches that are in there.

there. i've confessed. i feel better now.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:03, Reply)

You disgust me.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:03, Reply)

Yeh me too
full fat coke or nothing
( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:22, Reply)

then drink it with a spork, right?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:04, Reply)

People who keep sandwiches in fridges are a bit weird anyway.
Sandwiches, like a good red should be served at room temperature.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:05, Reply)

yeah ... but a sandwich that's been dried out in an office for four hours is still pretty fucking grim

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:07, Reply)

They don't dry out in a couple of hours if you keep them in a lunchbox or sandwich bags.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:10, Reply)

^ Gonna show a pic of his lunchbox in a minute ^

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:26, Reply)

I just use sandwich bags. Means I can take my lunch to work in my jacket pocket then.
Apparently this is 'wrong'.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:28, Reply)

Classy. I hope you're not on a crowded bus or tube, reeking of tuna.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:39, Reply)

bet it's Transformers or My Little Pony

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:31, Reply)

^wrong

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:07, Reply)

Cold bread is fucked up.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:09, Reply)

in your defence, people who bring packed lunches into an office clearly hate themselves so a bit more misery will probably go unnoticed

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:05, Reply)

How would you know?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:07, Reply)

^trying to justify eating a disappointing sandwich from the co-op.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:15, Reply)

We've got a free restaurant at work.

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:32, Reply)

no
what you have is a shitty hot-light canteen on an industrial estate
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:33, Reply)

in Stoke?

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:33, Reply)

i do a lot of lease renewals, oppositions and landlord/tenant disputes in your part of the world
i've never once had to deal with a decent staff restaurant as part of the alterations/reinstatement, let's put it that way.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:36, Reply)

we own the building
Hot buffet, salad bar, theatre cooking, loads of cakes ... it's not Michelin starred shit but it's free and better than a fridge sandwich or a burger van
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:43, Reply)

yeah..... i think i'll stick with the plethora of choice within 1 minute of my office
lebanese today. i fucking love a bit of lebanese action.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:47, Reply)

Red seal please

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:59, Reply)

[insert tediously long discussion of a self-styled Queen of English using a construction as clumsy as "the plethora of choice”]

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:06, Reply)

just trying to bend down to your level, sweetheart

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:22, Reply)

I miss working for oil companies with decent canteens.
There's something good about a canteen lasagne, especially the corner piece.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:36, Reply)

probably all those volatile chemicals they've absorbed from the petroleum works next door

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:37, Reply)

They tend to keep the office workers away from the coalface, so to speak.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:38, Reply)

Didn't someone (probably Gonz) once post a pic of a lasagne dish that was arranged so that everyone got maximum edges?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:45, Reply)

Was it swasitka shaped
That would give maximum edge
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:57, Reply)

definitely gonz
it was a stupid shaped baking tray kickstarter
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:03, Reply)

You stupid bastard.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:19, Reply)

^wilted primula sarnie for lunch ^

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:33, Reply)

i've never had primula
i proper horrified our french head of catering/sommelier at a client dinner party once, though. i pointed out a cheese on the magnificent cheeseboard that i thought was delicious and asked what it was.

"boursin, madam," he replied with a visible shudder. i'd never had it before.

i don't care if it's for plebs, that shit is some tasty shit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:35, Reply)

it's the crack cocaine of cream cheese

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:36, Reply)

the cracked black pepper one is like smack

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:36, Reply)

Its only a branded Roule
I don't see why some cunt who is a jumped up waiter would have the gaul (see what I dun there) to shudder
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:59, Reply)

An ex-GF of mine used to eat Primula squeezy cheese and ham - from the tube.
She got dumped sharpish.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:56, Reply)

foolish ... she'd prolly have sucked your unwashed dick

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:02, Reply)

this is kind of my thinking
i've never ever taken lunch to work and actually fancied it at lunchtime. i always end up ditching it and buying something fresh. #womancannevermakeuphermind
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:32, Reply)

Now it's getting to winter my standard fare is 2 sandwiches and a pint of homemade soup.
Cheese sandwiches dip well in soup, fact.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:37, Reply)

oh god
dunking bread in soup, worst of all the swipe food infringements.

*faints*
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:39, Reply)

Dunking sandwiches is fine.
If it's just bread you tear bits of and throw it INTO the soup.

Apparently a bag of ready salted works well in tomato soup.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:43, Reply)

I think you've killed her now.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:46, Reply)

anybody who hates bread ducks in their soup
clearly hates the country and the Queen
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:01, Reply)

What about Baguette swans?

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:08, Reply)

shit dude ... not even the Duchess of Kent is that posh

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:22, Reply)

I never take lunch to work as I rarely have time to eat it.

( Peej, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:40, Reply)

sorry for your failure

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:45, Reply)

fuck me it's all gone top gear

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 10:23, Reply)

Fucking boring innit

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:00, Reply)

Yarp

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 11:02, Reply)