Looked up an old girlfriend the other day.
It's great being a gynaecologist.

Your sick jokes please - we've got three days of PUB to get through...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:15, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can you not just go
read sickipedia?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:17, Reply)

Well, yeah,
but it's REALLY slow and I thought it'd be a fun thread...maybe not :-)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:20, Reply)

I feel the need to oblige
I went to the clinic the other day and was given an appointment with a female doctor.

She told me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

"Why's that?" I enquired.

"Because I'm trying to examine you."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Hazah!
:-)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:24, Reply)

Well before Al gets here and says this is about me :(
She had flaps so big, going down on her was like reading the Financial Times
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:24, Reply)

Would that be
a case of accuntancy then?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 22 May 2009, 11:26, Reply)

haha
took me three reads to get it *cries*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:38, Reply)

Nice!
I'll have to diffuse this by being a poor, poor Al substitute:

Does your vagine hang like vizard'z sleeve?
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:28, Reply)

Did you hear about the gynaecologist?
He wallpapered his hall-way via his letter box.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:37, Reply)

I probably got this one off Sickipedia in the first place
But never mind.

A woman walks into a pub, pushes past the queue of half-cut men in varying stages of halitosis and then turns to face them. She raises one arm to reveal a thickly haired armpit.

"Who will buy this woman a drink?" She calls out.

Most of the men back away in a mix of confusion and fear. Then, from the far end of the bar, the old man, whose vision is impaired partly by his cataracts and more likely by the large glass of cheap scotch he is nursing, shouts to the barman,

"A pint for the ballerina!"

The barman serves the woman and the customers get busy with their drinks in a desperate bid to bleach from their minds the vision (and odour) of the woman's sweaty, hairy underarm.

After the queue has died down, the barman starts talking to the old man.
"Do you know her, then?" He asks,
"No."
"So how did you know she was a ballerina?"
"Only a ballerina could lift her leg that high."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:39, Reply)

Was it you or Vipros (I think)
who taught me my offical New Favourite Joke of All Time?

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: None

No offence to Tuggers (of Padraig descent) or Mr Morningstar but I FUCKING LOVE THAT JOKE.

Inoffensive but smug grammar-and-history favourite:

Q: Who started the Pedants' Revolt?
A: Which Tyler
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:46, Reply)

that'd be me
*bows*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:47, Reply)

I like that pedant one
I'll have to pick my audience carefully though. I'm already picturing the blank looks and furrowed brows if I told it here at work.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:26, Reply)

In a similar vein
How many sexual partners does a priest have?
Nun.

(I might have told that wrong)
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 22 May 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Peter Andre....
was worried that when he left Jordan she would turn to drink, but then he did leave her with a giant Harvey Wallbanger.
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:47, Reply)

I love it!
When I first heard the news of their divorce, I thought she was having a mastectomy - well, at least they said she was getting rid of the right tit.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Quality!!!!
Another one that was doing the rounds was:

So Jordan and Peter have split up? I bet Harvey didn't see that coming....
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:58, Reply)

i heard the pope was recently in jordan
she doesn't hang about, obviously.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:59, Reply)

What's the difference between Israel and Dwight Yorke?
Israel knew when to pull out of Jordan...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:22, Reply)

I heard that Peter got pissed off with having to constantly repair the plasterboards.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:32, Reply)

at least
their marriage lasted longer than Jade Goodys.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:58, Reply)

I laughed at that
Does that make me a bad person?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:06, Reply)

After it was announced that Katie Price and Peter Andre are to split...
Katie said she would "miss the family holidays they shared, the TV specials they made, and the companionship."

Peter said he would "miss the titwanks, and watching the fat cod eyed cunt walk into the wall"
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:07, Reply)

Pfffffft!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 22 May 2009, 12:13, Reply)

What's red and invisible?


No tomatoes.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:10, Reply)

You can say what you like about paedophiles.
At least they drive slowly past schools.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 22 May 2009, 12:12, Reply)

*beams*
*forwards to everyone*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:16, Reply)

brilliant

( WormuIus, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Ha! That's the least of your worries, you've got AIDS.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:18, Reply)

Bloke goes to the widow at a petrol station and says, "Can I have a KitKat Chunky?"

The woman at the till gets a KitKat Chunky and hands it to him.

"No" says the man, "I want a normal KitKat, you fat cow."
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:21, Reply)

My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day
That Tescos Value Rohypnol is bloody rubbish.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:34, Reply)

Nursery Rhyme
Little Boy Blue was sat on a rock,
Little Bo Beep was sucking his cock,
When he was finished she started to weep,
She could tell from the taste he'd been shagging the sheep.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 22 May 2009, 12:57, Reply)