Time for a hypothetical question.
I'm not going to use this information for evil, I promise.

The Perfect Murder
You've got to kill someone. They've wronged you, or scratched your car or something.
What weapon will you use?
How will you dispose of the body?
What will your alibi be?

Bonus points for imagination. Zero points for "Honda Accord".
I'll make a badge for the winner.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:20, 81 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The tip to getting away with murder,
is not to have a relationship in any way with your victim.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:27, Reply)

So just open the phonebook at random,
Shut your eyes and point?
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:28, Reply)

A phone book from another area of the country

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Milton Keynes?

( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:32, Reply)

Go for it,

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:38, Reply)

I'm going to come to your house and
fuck you up with a fucking claw-hammer until you're dead, and wallow in the gore, masturbating furiously with your intestines wrapped around my rigid cock until I come, and then I'm going to flip open my mobile, calmly dial 999 and tell the operator exactly what I've done and where they can find me, then I'm going to walk out of the front door into the bright sunlight and sit in the garden, waiting, as the blood cakes and congeals slowly on my skin.


Sorry, what was the question?
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:33, Reply)

This is winning so far.
Very much so.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:35, Reply)

I haven't thought about this AT ALL....
However,

Sever spinal chord so they are paralyzed.
Remove all teeth and surgical screws etc.
Put through industrial grinder feet first.
Feed sludge to pigs. Rinse everything down with hydrogen peroxide.
Job done.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Easy

Nuclear Bomb

Nuclear Bomb

"Wasn't me guv I droppped out of nuclear physics in my second year!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:29, Reply)

Hmmm...
Weapon of choice: Block of ice - It would melt, thus hiding my weapon!
Dispose of the body: Hungry Pigs
Alibi: It wasn't me, I was having lunch with Columbo and Poirot at the time, I swear!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:36, Reply)

A single pig
can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:50, Reply)

They're
also pretty darn cute too, which is nice.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:52, Reply)

They are :)
the babies especially. It's just a shame about their predilection for rolling in their own shit...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:52, Reply)

I will
admit this is a problem, but I don't mind - My old dog used to eat his own vomit given half a chance and I still loved him.

Poo-pigs, vom-dogs, I can deal with it. :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:55, Reply)

Nice. My cat used to eat her own claws when they fell off.
She'd notice it was loose, then bite it off and chew on it for ages...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Pigs don't roll in their own shit
Pigs are one of the few animals that crap away from where they sleep and eat, unless they are being kept in bad conditions, pigs are pretty clean
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:55, Reply)

Austrian piglets do; I saw them do it... was not nice.
Clearly they were not well-treated, but they were so cute and made little snuffly noises *asplodes from the cute*
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:57, Reply)

that kind of spoils one of my favourite bits of film ever though
V: bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good
J: hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know because I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. pigs sleep and root in shit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Pulp Fiction fucking rocks.
Still don't think you can top "Does he look like a bitch?" just for style of delivery...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:04, Reply)

yeah, I fucking love that film
that guess who picture with jules saying does he look like a bitch is one of my favourite things ever
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:05, Reply)

And mine - I found it in a You Laugh You Lose group on Facebook.
I might save it as my backdrop at work to replace all the boring stats.
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

It's a common misconception

(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:04, Reply)

I think they're great!
One day I will have pigs and lots of ducks as pets and it will be good. The end.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Ducks are great too!
Personally, I want several kittehs and a sweary parrot.
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:05, Reply)

A sweary parrot
would be good - Makes me think of the one in Bottom Live 2 that calls Eddie a bastard and then gets shot.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

Just one that whistles to itself
and then goes "FUCK!" would amuse me. It would also be inevitable if it lived with me...

Haven't seen Bottom :(
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Hehe
That would be funny.

The one in Bottom is wicked, but then I would say that, seeing as I love it so much, especially the live shows!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:16, Reply)

It would most likely also say "CUNT!" if it was around me on the PS3 too much.
I feel I have missed out on much having not seen Bottom. I'm only just getting into The Young Ones properly...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:22, Reply)

Hehe
I don't tend to swear too much when I play computer games... I mainly get annoyed and then turn it off. I haven't broken a controller yet either, not even when I used to play Metal Gear Solid, I knew tons of people that broke their controllers with that game.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Then you've never seen me playing Sonic Unleashed.
That game is chronically shit; I wanted to beat it just so the game didn't have the satisfaction of having beaten me!

Never played MGS but I have seen Yahtzee's take on it...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:34, Reply)

The sonic
games are quite evil I seem to remember. :)

I don't really blame MGS for being poo, I'm just not very good at stealth games, I'm from the Duke Nukem/Doom generation of 'shoot anything that moves' gaming.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:39, Reply)

I thought you already had a pet duck?
No, hang on, i'm thinking of DiT aren't I.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Tehe
I would trade him in for a pet duck, if the duck was called Hubert.

EDIT. This statement may contain traces of internet lies.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:12, Reply)

We know you're lying
you don't care what it's called
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:15, Reply)

Oh
Alright, I would trade for a duck called Hubert or Plum Sauce.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:17, Reply)

I sometimes feed DiT bread and watch him as he paddles around in ponds.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:19, Reply)

So that's
where he flies off too... I did wonder.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:22, Reply)

knife made of ice
or gun with bullets made of ice

disposal method pretty much the same as that laid down by porkylips
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:37, Reply)

Oooh
Have you ever seen Mythbusters before? They did an episode once where they tried to make bullets of ice and then fire them... it really didn't work! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:44, Reply)

doesn't surprise me
my first thought was a crossbow that shot ice-quarrels
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:46, Reply)

Ah
See now that, is a super idea!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:47, Reply)

That's a pretty nice idea.
I like the thought of making a gigantic ice-hammer.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:48, Reply)

That would
also work. I took the lazy approach and just decided on a block of ice, my murder might not be pre-meditated so I may have to act in a hurry... a block'll have to do!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:51, Reply)

You need to make ice quarrels
with a mercury core so that they are more lethal.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:52, Reply)

would leave mercury in the victim
I guess though, if you are properly disposing of the body you don't need to worry.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:53, Reply)

That will only confuse the police
because how the hell would you get mercury into the victim?

You should read a big boy did it and ran away by Christopher Brookmyre. He actually came up with teh mercury core idea and I stole it.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:56, Reply)

nice
I'll look into it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:01, Reply)

Christopher Brookmyre is fuckin' excellent.

( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:02, Reply)

So's your face

(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Hmmmm, that doesn't work so well

(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:05, Reply)

Oh, thanks!

( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:05, Reply)

which should I start with?
also read this:
www.amazon.co.uk/Kill-Your-Friends-John-Niven/dp/043401799X
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Strongly recommend
One Fine Day In The Middle Of The Night.
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:08, Reply)

I like
fuck this for a game of soliders. I think it got renamed All fun and games until someone loses an eye though
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Start at the beginning
with Quite Ugly One Morning, then carry on through in the order they were written.

They do actually all link in together, apart from "All Fun and Games" and "A Tale Told in Blood"
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:18, Reply)

man, my list of books to buy is getting long
worth it though, my last list of "b3ta recommends..." books was fucking brilliant
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:22, Reply)

He so is.
Currently reading his latest, and it's excellent.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 17:34, Reply)

Half load low calibre round through a silenced pistol at point blank range.
Hungry hungry hipos .
I wasn't me what dun him in guv.
( M o D, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:38, Reply)

I may have thought this through a little bit too much
Weapon: Frozen leg of lamb. Or trout. Evidence can be fed to someone else after on claims of sudden attack f being vegetarian.

The body will be disposed of in a plasma furnace, hot enough to vapourise bone and leave absolutly no DNA trace at all.

My alibi will be an auto-poster on here, posting random crap in threads which will mean I have to have been at computer to have been able to post them.

The real question is... where am I now?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:40, Reply)

Dammit Potty
you beat me to it! Want lamb now.
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:47, Reply)

Frozen leg of lamb?
Bindun.
*hats off to Mr Dahl*
( thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:02, Reply)

Oh yes
That's where I stole the idea from.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

Start replacing their drinking water with heavy water, increasing the ratio gradually over a fortnight.
The only symptoms that will show will be being increasingly lethargic and run down, which could be anything. An autopsy result, unless tested for chemicals, will show nothing.
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:52, Reply)

C'mon...
If they've died from "no real reason other than lethargy", the first thing that'll be tested for on the corpse will be "chemicals".
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:54, Reply)

OK, I've not really thought this through...
it seemed pretty flawless when I read it.
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Also, heavy water is pretty difficult to get hold of

(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Befriend your local nuclear facility.
And hope their security's lax...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:58, Reply)

You could apply the same logic to any poison.
Of course it's gonna be checked for.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/8147691.stm
www.bbc.co.uk/crimewatch/solved/howtheycaught/pasta_poisoner.shtml
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/8134463.stm
( Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:58, Reply)

I need to stop reading books that aren't plausible.
I read this when I was 13 and it's stuck with me ever since...
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Take them on a cruise around alaska, push them off the boat.
after having hot hate sex on the deck in the middle of the night, of course
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:52, Reply)

Kill them with sex.
.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:57, Reply)

^ This

( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 14:58, Reply)

I actually don't have the jaws of life between my legs.
n't
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:15, Reply)

My weapon would be Kaol
A quick nasty gaz to him from an account with a similar enough name that he wouldn't check and he'd be off to kill them before the end of the day. That leaves him to dispose of the body too while I'm being seen in public by lots of people and therefore not even suspected.
(bill, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:03, Reply)

I'm still finding it hard to believe that Kaol can kill people.
The Kaol I met was quite fluffeh!
( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:05, Reply)

Just kill a tramp.
No one cares about tramps.

Bum them, too. Its not like they're human.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:26, Reply)

Kill them with fire perchance?

( Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:34, Reply)

Jean Claude Van Damme cares.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Poison toadstools.
Concrete into gnome shape and hide in full view.
I don't need an alibi, I have an NHS letter saying I'm mental.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:36, Reply)

I'ld team up with someone who I have no direct relation to what-so-ever.... someone who has also been wronged by the murdee.
I would get both of us to admit to the murder, then both of us to retract our statements.

I could then use resnable doubt to get us both clear.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:43, Reply)

Torture
I'd have to use slow, painful torture to begin with - slicing of pieces of meat, let the wound heal, move on to another part of the body and repeat until all that is left is mass of scar tissue. I'd keep the victim alive during this time by feeding them their own flesh (plus a bit extra to ensure they don't starve) and keep them watered using their own (and mine) urine (and again, a little extra to prevent dehydration). Once this little cycle has been completed I would go for psychological torture to break the mind - a bit like Clockwork Orange.

Once all this has been done I'd turn my victim out on to the streets, a broken man, a lost soul, a shadow of their former self. I'd then hunt and kill them in a relatively humane way (smothering, OD or something).

I need no alibi.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:49, Reply)