Officially living in a lot of sin.
Right, so the bright spot in me n' Catface's life at the mo - and it's one hell of a shiny bright spot - is that he is moving in this weekend. I can't frickin' wait! As of tonight we will be cohabiting in domestic bliss.

So, what chores should I make him do?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:11, 77 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm thinking vaccuming.
I hate vacuuming.

NO CATFACE, WE ARE NOT BUYING A ROOMBA.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:12, Reply)

How can you not like vacuuming?
It's the best of all teh domestic chores. Although I recently discovered how satisfying descaling things could be.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:16, Reply)

I've a kettle needs descaling.
We live in a very hard water area. You can come round and descale my kettle anytime, al (just wait until Catface's car has gone, then knock three times on the window).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:17, Reply)

I'll bring the lemon juice

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:17, Reply)

it has to be in one of those squirty fake lemons

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:22, Reply)

I'll bring two
and you can pretend to milk me. I know you love that.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:24, Reply)

I'll have the pancakes rolled and ready

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:26, Reply)

I can see you know in a pink pinny
and marigolds saying

'Gosh darn! I loathe this vile scaly kettle. What will Mrs Perkins say when the vicar comes round for tea?
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:27, Reply)

I reckon the vicar would get bulgy eyes
and say "Hello Laydeez"

If only I had a picture that represented this.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:31, Reply)

If only...
*sighs*
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:34, Reply)

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:34, Reply)

Oh look I found one

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:46, Reply)

HAHA

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:48, Reply)

I think you should make him do all the blowjobs

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:15, Reply)

I like this!
*clicks*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:16, Reply)

You should force him to pleasure you

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:26, Reply)

That's cruel and inhuman treatment

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:30, Reply)

That's what your mum said.
But I said "shut it bitch, and keep licking".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:37, Reply)

She likes that

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:38, Reply)

He should paint the basement
I recommend pictures of the sun and trees so he doesn't forget what they look like.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:28, Reply)

Hahaha!
I like this!
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:28, Reply)

Make him do the laundry.
Whatever you do, DON'T let him do the shopping alone. You know what havoc can occur when he has just one can of Dr. Pepper.
Imagine if he gets himself a six-pack of the stuff.
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:28, Reply)

He's not allowed in Tesco unattended.
He only buys crunchy sticks, party rings and fizzy drinks which, as you so correctly point out, he just can't handle. I am going to immediately change his life and stamp my authority all over him by making him eat vegetables.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:30, Reply)

Yes!
Take everything in his life that previously made it enjoyable and stop him doing it.

I'm pretty sure women must have this thought every time they move in with a man. How else do you explain it?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:32, Reply)

Oh fuck... Really?
It's not too late for me to back down, I guess...
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:33, Reply)

I used to like leaving the toilet seat up
I can't do that anymore.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:34, Reply)

Have to leave the toilet seat down,
Or the curtain will knock Mel's housemate's toothbrush into the toilet again :D
That was a painfully amusing minute or so.
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:36, Reply)

a mate of mine once stuck this annoying girls toothbrush up his arse.
He also pissed in another girl's cider once.
He's a bad man.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:40, Reply)

A "mate of yours" yeah?
Shocking behaviour from someone in your profession.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:41, Reply)

I think you need this:
www.b3ta.com/questions/write.php?topic=294
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:42, Reply)

haha,
if you don't move then poor Catface will have no one to run away to.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:34, Reply)

Hmmm...
How much will you pay me not to tell him I've moved then?
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:45, Reply)

a six pack of Dr Pepper
and a packet of party rings.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:47, Reply)

I dunno if I'm ready for that kinda power.

( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:48, Reply)

This is good to hear.
Also, whatever you do, don't let him get a Bristol accent.
Don't let him out the house if you have to. Even cut his ears off.
There's no accent that makes me wanna hurl more than that.
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:32, Reply)

I quite like the Bristol accent.
It's Brum ones that make me think of retarbs.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Brum = Retarded
Bristol = Retarded Farmer
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:41, Reply)

I think you mean retabed

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:42, Reply)

I heard that you are so retarded that your name is another word for Scopey

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:42, Reply)

Scopey?
That was my old username.
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Force him to clean the tops of cupboards and fridges.
change lightbulbs
anything to make him feel short.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:29, Reply)

HA!
Awesome. And I'll hide all the chairs and the stepladder.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:31, Reply)

I know how you like to be treated.
You love it when I do things that make you feel short:

* Deriding your penile length
* Making you pose for photos holding signs that deride your penile length
* Wearing stilts and spanking you with a long paddle
* Making you wear a strapon over your own cock so it looks like a normal penis.
* bumming you with a plaster cast of your own member and shouting 'Can you even tell if it's in yet?'
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:33, Reply)

Can she tell if it's in yet?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:35, Reply)

How did you get that footage?
I told him no one would ever see that.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:36, Reply)

Why do you all call him catface?

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:36, Reply)

He's got the face of a cat.

( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Ah , a bit like baldmonkey and his catlegs.

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:38, Reply)

Exactly.

( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:40, Reply)

Only without being a totally unfunny cunt

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:41, Reply)

haha
Someone doesn't like baldmonkey.
You are wrong. I hope you know this. He's one of the best people on here.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:42, Reply)

^this

(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:45, Reply)

Has he vanished though?

( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:47, Reply)

Temporarily I hope.

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:48, Reply)

I thought he was killing himself
Or possibly going to KFC
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:07, Reply)

Baldmonkey has his own fanclub.
Who knew.
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:47, Reply)

A lot of people on /talk don't like him either

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:49, Reply)

He's a bit like myself in that respect.

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:49, Reply)

Except he's not got
A robotic second account that types entirely in capitals.
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:51, Reply)

That's not mine.
It's too shit even by my standards.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:58, Reply)

Who is it then?

( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:01, Reply)

Who?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:07, Reply)

I wish I knew

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:11, Reply)

No I meant who is the capital letter writing account he's talking about

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:11, Reply)

Mecha-Voltan
it's a shit meme machine.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:12, Reply)

'cause he's got a big catface
he's go the body of a cat and the face of a cat and he floats through the air 'cause he's got a catface.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Have you found a suitably embarrassing pinny for him to wear yet?
Something that will diminish his masculinity.
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:36, Reply)

I really want you to diminish my masculinity
and blow smoke all over me whilst I fuck you with a dildo between my legs because my tiny cock can't pleasure you.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:37, Reply)

I'll gaz you my address.
But it will cost you.
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:39, Reply)

Have hilarious QotW lies
will travel.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:39, Reply)

Get him to trim the hedges, plant some seeds and install a fountain in your front garden.

Of course, the back garden will be saved for a special occasion.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Oh dear
This thread has had me crying tears of laughter despair as I mourn my losses and fear what I'm letting my self in for. HALP!
( Captain V, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:53, Reply)

I have cleared out a small cardboard box for all your belongings.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:55, Reply)

An empty Dr. Pepper can,
Candyfloss, three CDs of bagpipe music and his laptop?
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:57, Reply)

I love CHCB's family
When we were in Ireland I chatted with both her Grandad and Uncle, at length, about pipe music and bagpipes. It was a fine distraction from the wretched wench I'd traveled with.

:edit: Time for my last work meeting before heading to the pub then spending the afternoon clearing my desk and deleting porn from my PC.
( Captain V, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:00, Reply)

Just e-mail it to CHCB for safekeeping

(Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:07, Reply)

why?
she gave it to him
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 12:17, Reply)