Alright, internet?
Anybody want to make wild and unfounded accusations? Let's use this thread.

Oh, obligatory question: If you were to go to any country in the world and do anything, what would it be?

EDIT: Kate Humble is taking it up the nile!

DOUBLE EDIT: The content of this programme is not what I expected.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:09, 138 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is Elsie here yet, you bastarding bully, you?

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:19, Reply)

The scrotemeister?
Nope. I am a terrible bully though. I mean, I had an opinion that differed from hers. ONLINE. Awful behaviour, I know.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:24, Reply)

Out Fucking Rageous
B3ta is all about fluff and huggles and niceness, you know. There's plenty of room here for the oversensitive and insecure.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:25, Reply)

Is it?
Is there?

Crikey. Maybe I should decamp to HSH and blather on about inane bullshit and what I'm eating all evening.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:29, Reply)

Also, I need to get some advice about money/medicine/rocket science
Am I in the right place for that kind of thing?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:32, Reply)

Indeed.
And hotels. And the animal kingdom.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:33, Reply)

And polar exploration.
And what shutter speed to use when taking pictures of your cock for nefarious gazzing purposes.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:49, Reply)

Oh, my Boy Tightly don't need no advice on that!

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:51, Reply)

Tightly's been to the south pole?
Blimey.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:52, Reply)

He flew in a fast jet.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:54, Reply)

A page 3 girl was my navigator.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:56, Reply)

Did she totally suck you off while you were flying

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:00, Reply)

Yeah, and when I came I totally shot some missiles at Iran or wherever because a missile is sort of a metaphor for sperm, innit.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:01, Reply)

Well you can
but if anyone says anything even remotely horrid, you must declare them to be beastly and hurtful.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:32, Reply)

Noted.
You'd think I'd have got b3ta after 3 years, wouldn't you?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:34, Reply)

I think we've all learned a lesson today.
:(
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:38, Reply)

I certainly learned one

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:49, Reply)

Right, let's get this ball started.
Celndrix; She's soon to be regular attendé of universaty, but what she hasn't told anyone, is that she never registared as a student, and as such is doing the whole thing for no-credit. If she can get the dene's son a date with a z-list celebraty for the prom though, she'll get full marks.

BeckySomeLetters; We all know she works with animals, but what you all don't know about her; the secret to her sucess; is that she can understand what all the animals say. She was the inspiration for Dr Dolittle, dispite it being made a good century before she was born.

AlTheGeordy; He once went to watch a World Cup football match, where he was asked to strech out Garath Southgate's shirt (due to his muscular frame, rather than fat). One thing lead to another and he took that famous goal kick that went miles out and lead to us being knocked out.

Kristine; She was in the origional Real World, and won.

Spackerman; He can decode any MD5 hash he wants.

BGB; She was the 7th friend in Friends, but proved to popular in the pilot eppisode, so they gave her another show, "America's Next Top Model" as host.

Devil In Tights; |--------11"----------| (need I say more?)

Berk; Includes The Decimal Places (need I say more?)

Medilica; Once really did walk a million miles for one of my smiles.

FlimFlam: Lead Guitarest in 90s music sensation "Semisonic".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:40, Reply)

ChickenLady actually owns half of Dyson's paitents.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:42, Reply)

Koal owns the other half.
Captain V; eats cat food, because he has the face of a cat, because he eats cats food - it's the chicken/egg sinario for the 21st century.

GrammaBadger; is inviting me around for christmas dinner this year.

Bill; likes hollyoaks.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:44, Reply)

Crackhouse something; can recite, line for line, every single eppisode of House,
Except S04E16, where she always muddles up "Cutty" for "Gutner"
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:46, Reply)

Labia Majora
His Mohawk can pierce any inanimate object (but not animate objects)

Oh, and we know the real reason he's called that.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:05, Reply)

haha you don't win on the real world
in fact I'm pretty sure if you're on it you're an automatic Loser.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:37, Reply)

Gonz:
Creator of Spellings
King of Tesco
World's Untidiest Man
Avoider of Tube Station Pre-Arranged Meetings
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:43, Reply)

don't forget
Enjoyer of Emmintal Sandwiches
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:02, Reply)

Or is that the elemental sandwitches?

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:05, Reply)

Jellopino and emintile cheese popers !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:19, Reply)

My and Wookiee's favourite Gonzisms in one post!

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:21, Reply)

Hurrah!

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:22, Reply)

GET-IN-THERE !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:29, Reply)

Let's see if you can get this one.
Hyraki
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:29, Reply)

Tesco?

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:38, Reply)

hierarchy

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:42, Reply)

I would go to Scottishland
And gloat about them not being in the World cup. Again. And probably get my head kicked in for my troubles.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:47, Reply)

You should make a point of calling them poofs too

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:50, Reply)

Yes.
I mean, they wear dresses and everything. Plus 99.9% of them are GINGER!!!

And they wear dresses.

Oops, dinner's up. Gotta dash!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:52, Reply)

Get it right fucking up ye!
*sobs*

Why are we so shite at football?
( djtrialprice, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:23, Reply)

Yeh, and laugh at their kilts.
Bye forever DG.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:52, Reply)

I took your advice
and totally got my sweat on.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:53, Reply)

*sniffs*
Oh yeaaaaaaah.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:54, Reply)

If I was single
I would totally join a gym to hit on chicks. I know there is nothing a cute girl would rather have happen when she's gettin' her sweat on is to have some hot guy come up to her and offer to get his sweat on with her. In BED! YEAH! BOOYAH! That's what I'm talkin' bout Holmes.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:58, Reply)

Yeah
Women love sweaty, breathless men poring inefectually at their camel toes. TRUFAX.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:00, Reply)

I knew this was true!

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:01, Reply)

Poring?

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:02, Reply)

Sorry, 'pawing'.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:04, Reply)

Like a bear fishing for salmon.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:27, Reply)

RAWWR!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:28, Reply)

Pore: verb
concentrate: direct one's attention on something.

It works in context.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:04, Reply)

Yes thank you, I am aware of the English language.
In this case, poring would have been used incorrectly.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:04, Reply)

I love it when you get all mistress-like.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:06, Reply)

Remove those tights.

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:06, Reply)

Yes ma'am.
*salutes*

but not with my hands
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:08, Reply)

Ooooh, whip him , whip him!

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:08, Reply)

You'd love that wouldn't you, you saucy little bitch?

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Not as much as when your mrs does it to me
but still quite a lot.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:12, Reply)

You thoroughgoing swine!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:22, Reply)

Oh, I will...

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Haaaahahahahahahahahahaaahahah
Hahahahahahahahahaahah

*breathes*

Hahahahahah

Just not while I'm in the flat, alright?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:11, Reply)

I wouldn't do that to you, my favourite chum.
I need to SKYPE you!
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:15, Reply)

Oh go on then.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:17, Reply)

Hoots mon, ah see you jimmy!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:56, Reply)

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun!
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:56, Reply)

Did you blow them up with your terrorist buddies?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:58, Reply)

Allah Akbar!
Death to the West!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:59, Reply)

Shit.
There's a man in dark glasses at my door. Should I be worried?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:59, Reply)

No, he's probably just scared in case he sees your mrs

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:00, Reply)

You thoroughgoing swine!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:02, Reply)

Nope. He's come to tune your piano.

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:01, Reply)

tune diddle
piano mrs
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:01, Reply)

diddle tickle
mrs fish
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:03, Reply)

tickle Jizz on
fish Clendrix's massive norks.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:04, Reply)

I don't know why she arranges to have that done here.
It takes ages to clean up afterwards. And there's a sort of jizz silhouette of Clenders on my lounge wall.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:05, Reply)

I have it done everywhere else.
Why not your place?
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:07, Reply)

True,
but I'd really appreciate it if you just left some bleach behind.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:08, Reply)

Terribly sorry, old bean.

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:09, Reply)

I'm sure I heard you say that in my bathroom.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:10, Reply)

Sorry that was me
I got carried away
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:13, Reply)

Someone oughta...

( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:17, Reply)

Yeah man.
I mean *helium* Yeah man! We fucked holes in Battenberg cakes too.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:01, Reply)

Fucking Battenburgs
deserve what they get.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:02, Reply)

*tut*
You don't get it do you? I can theoretically, hypothetically, virtually terrorise the marzipan-related products on The Internet. YOU cannot bully them. Go over there and sit on your hands.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:06, Reply)

*tuts*
She said your hands, Al.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Well don't put your hands on the chair then
it's an open invitation.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:11, Reply)

Don't ask him to sit on his hands! He'll only....
...Oh.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Sorry
I'll clean that up
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:10, Reply)

Damn right.
*stands over you, and watches*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:21, Reply)

I'm sorry
I admit, I went to far and crossed a line. I mustn't bully cakes any more.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:10, Reply)

And wash your fucking hands!
Jesus. It's like a creche in here.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:14, Reply)

Yeah
so as I was saying tonight I got my sweat on at the gym. But my question to you guys is this. Should I go first thing tomorrow morning and get my weights on, or should I leave it until the afternoon, knowing that when I get home and see the mrs after she gets back from her training course that I won't want to leave her to go to the gym.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:15, Reply)

The latter.
But then I'm incredibly lazy and don't go to the gym.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:17, Reply)

How about
you dash and get your weights on just before you see the mrs? That way, your guns will be all firm to sweep her in to your arms with. And if, when you smell her hair, you smell a bit of me, just try and out it out of your mind.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:18, Reply)

I think you should stay home and do cock pushups

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:18, Reply)

Cock pushups?

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:21, Reply)

I guess you could only do one, really.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:21, Reply)

Well Al could only do one
I bet I could do more
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:24, Reply)

Becky is much better at them than me.
But she's had a lot more practise.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:25, Reply)

What, with that little withered peanut you call a penis?
Or 'The Enviscerator', as I hear it.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:26, Reply)

It's only withered
because I've worn it out on your mum and your mrs. At the same time. YEAH HOLMES! That's what i'm sayin' boy!
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:28, Reply)

That's some brilliant smack talk, WATSON.
How ve'y middle class.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:29, Reply)

I'm getting bored of the whole me boning your mrs joke now
I think I'll give it a rest.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:31, Reply)

:D
\o/
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:33, Reply)

Brilliant!
Gotta love The D.
( thealternativefact, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:32, Reply)

Oh hiya Becky!
I've got to leg it and do some packing. See you lot later maybes!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:23, Reply)

Where are you going?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:25, Reply)

Ooh, al's stalking.
On line.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:29, Reply)

I'm going to see if she has pert breasts that she likes to expose regularly
then I'll ask for a photo
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:31, Reply)

You should totally do that thing.
She'd love you for it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:31, Reply)

I tell you what as well
that Slip Digby's a right cunt.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:32, Reply)

Why's that then?

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:33, Reply)

He was totally rude to Poppet
and when she called him out, he was totally ruder. He should man up and apologise.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:35, Reply)

What a prick.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:35, Reply)

I'm going to hardman at him when next he's online.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:36, Reply)

You should totally do that
He sounds like the sort of cunt who would keep banging on about banging your mrs.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:39, Reply)

HRUMPH!
That DG isn't much better than Slip Digby. He totally knew nothing about that terrible bullying until I showed him, and I like totally said, "I'm going on that thread to call Slip out for being the twat that he is", and now I get back here and he's totally beaten me to it.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:47, Reply)

Grrrrrr, Damn that DG and his pesky good looks.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:49, Reply)

See, if I could type more quickly
I wouldn't have looked like a paranoid Billynomates thread killer. Even my spouse has fucked off now.
*notices lightbulb over head*
Does that mean we're alone here al?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:55, Reply)

Nope, al's gone too.
Oh well, the daddy-long-legs pron I've just seen outside has put me off anyway. See if I care.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:04, Reply)

Not only do I make really shit cakes,
I've totally gone and killed this thread to death :(
Fuck it, I shall watch the repeat of Bellenders instead. In comparison, this will make me feel talented and priveledged, and glad to own my own washing machine.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 21:52, Reply)

I'm here
this thread is alive and kicking, dammit.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:04, Reply)

I'm here too

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:08, Reply)

So what's the deal with all the insufferable whining I've noticed on here as of late?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:15, Reply)

I'm a terrible bully
I crossed a line, went to far and acted like a child with too many e-numbers.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:19, Reply)

Also,
there are some really nice dresses in the Autumn catalogue.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:19, Reply)

Shh, don't spoil it for me. It's my treat for tomorrow night :)

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:20, Reply)

I've missed MOAR online controversy?
When was this one?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:20, Reply)

Errrrrrrr
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post517032

and the other links within it.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:22, Reply)

OMG, I think she means it. Are you scared of BGB now Al?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:29, Reply)

Meh

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:32, Reply)

You could take her, I'm sure

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:33, Reply)

Well, if you look at this scale drawing


You'll see she's a lot bigger than me.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:38, Reply)

Chop off her tits, they're her source of power
*knows*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:40, Reply)

It's constant.
Like hives.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:23, Reply)

Or that rash you gave me

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:24, Reply)

Did you not use the cream?

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:37, Reply)

And I miss all of it :(
saddest of sadfaces
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:29, Reply)

HA!
You're not missing that much, darl. ;)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:37, Reply)

Sadly this is true

(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:39, Reply)

That's true, but I do miss this place at lunchtime when I used to be online sometimes
damn the work internets and damn my fail phone.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 22:40, Reply)