It really is sickeningly quiet in here
Tell me, what's the one thing about your partner that disturbs, annoys or pisses you off the most?

If you're single, ha! -but post here and I'll register you with the Monkeysex Dating Agency^tm we'll have you knocking boots with some old slapper in no time. GUARANTEED
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:18, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Do you need me to fill in a form?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:19, Reply)

There aren't any forms
All I need is a sample of your DNA
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:20, Reply)

You've had billions of samples of my DNA.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:22, Reply)

But I ate them
I need one pure sample, I can send it off to the lab where they'll work on it, tweak a couple of things, change a chromosome here and there, and eventually we'll be left with a sexy clone called Noelette
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:23, Reply)

I'll take one of those

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Gis a sample of his DNA, then

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:25, Reply)

I'll see what I can get from the stuff he sent me
there's bound to be DNA on one of the items
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:26, Reply)

Yep, but bear in mind that he doesn't 'lick' the envelopes with his tongue

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:30, Reply)

At least half the plectrums have been up my arse.
Phew, man, that was some night.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Were you trying to strum your G string?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:32, Reply)

Comedy gold right there.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:33, Reply)

good job I gave most of them to my mate

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:33, Reply)

Hahaha

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Knocking boots with some old slapper?
I never agreed to this.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:20, Reply)

For the ladies
I have a ginger brother, and photos of my unshaved backside
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:22, Reply)

I've done my bit for the ginger brigade.
One in a lifetime is enough for me.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:23, Reply)

been there
don't know how my bro married one.

it's true what they say, rusty roof, smelly garage
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Yes
On a sample size of 1, I can confirm that this saying is entirely 100% true.

Edit - Not the current Mrs K2, by the way. She's neither a redhead nor malodorous of minge.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:38, Reply)

I've sampled two
and neither were smelly. Frigid, uptight and mental, but not smelly
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:39, Reply)

hmmm
something not right there
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:40, Reply)

One was 21, but seemed physically pre-pubescent
which was absolutely horrifying, and the other was 38 and wouldn't let me go down on her. So she probably was smelly, I just never got to find out
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

You don't even need to visit downstairs
It's obvious from further away!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:43, Reply)

That's nasty
why would you sleep with somebody if you could smell Skips Prawn Cocktail crisps from a mile off?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Indeed
And this is one reason that I have moved on.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:45, Reply)

It took me ages to get over the 38 year old
I was pathetic
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

there we go
I knew there would be solid reasons for both not conforming to the norm.

it's true and the saying needs to be spread about
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

The ginger gene is clearly related to some severe mutations

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:47, Reply)

we all knew that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:04, Reply)

I'm ashamed to say
That's the funniest saying I've heard in fucking months.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:10, Reply)

So now I'm going to have to post pictures of my hairy arse?
Are you really going to make me do this, BGB?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:26, Reply)

I never make anyone do anything they don't have to.
But they're always glad they did it when they do.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:28, Reply)

That sounds like something my old choirmaster would say

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:29, Reply)

as I am slightly obsessive...
she never closes cupboards and drawers properly. that really upsets my brain.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Twat her in the fudge

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:25, Reply)

My other half
is lovely. Except for the fact she's never on bloody time.

And I'm always punctual.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:39, Reply)

Be patient, periods aren't always perfectly regular
and you're probably firing blanks anyway
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Actually
that's one aspect of her that does keep good time.

And I'd be quite happy to learn I was firing blanks. Avoids the possibility of little K2s.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

But I'd love to see some little K2s
They'd be much more open to a bit of online grooming
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:43, Reply)

Pfft!
I think I'd be teaching them not to listen to Uncle Monkeysex. Even if he did offer them virtual sweeties.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:45, Reply)

I'd post them chewits
sellotaped to the back of polaroids of me in the nude
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

What a lovely thought
I love chewits. The kids can have the photos to make paper aeroplanes with.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Which flavour?
I've got blackcurrant or strawberry.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:52, Reply)

I like them all
Even the green ones.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:53, Reply)

There aren't any green ones, are there?
I'm going to keep them in my fridge before I give them to you, and then chortle heartily as you break your teeth to shards on their indestructible cuboid forms
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Bugger
I must try dipping one in liquid nitrogen one day. Just to see how brittle they can become.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:56, Reply)

They're extremely brittle after just a little refrigeration
I reckon you could smash one to a thousand pieces with a hammer after only keeping it in the freezer for a few minutes
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:58, Reply)

I know
They may even shatter due to internal stress alone when chilled to -200°C. I need to try this.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:01, Reply)

You have a sexy life
You're like the Indiana Jones, of Science!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:01, Reply)

*sigh*
If only you knew what it was really like!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Supersexyfuntiem?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Of course
Constantly. With all the sexy ladies who parade naked around the lab.

Or was that just a dream?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:06, Reply)

I would like to work
in this lab.

NSFW, by the way.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:10, Reply)

If you can manage that
I'll be bloody surprised.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:41, Reply)

Don't be down on yourself, Jim Bob
Tell me three things about yourself, and then I'll go out into the street, kidnap a homeless lady, and post her to you one sexy piece at a time
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:43, Reply)

Grouchy, tired and suffering from toothache.

( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:20, Reply)

Dear Sexmonkey
My beloved partner goes on too long. Every time we start a meal he's sitting there half an hour later, chewing away on his starter at the speed of a broken down glacier while I've finished desert, liqueurs and the cheap nasty chocolates that come with the bill. I love him deeply and am prepared to cope with this heinous personal defect but I do worry that the long autumn days of our lives together will consist of me threatening to kill him with the cheap nursing home cutlery for not eating fast enough.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

you'll be in the home long before him surely?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:47, Reply)

I meant when he's visiting me there.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

But does he go on too long
when you're having sexytiem?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:48, Reply)

I'm saving that information for future QOTW fodder.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:50, Reply)

I used to suffer from that problem
but these days I'm suffering from a severe case of two-minutesthenfallasleepitis.

Stupid old age is catching up with me.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:52, Reply)

Should be good
I await the tale with bated breath.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:52, Reply)

Throw his plate at him
Scream, then break down in tears and tell him exactly what you think of him. The problem will be solved.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:48, Reply)

in all fairness
his tiny cat mouth can only take small nibblets
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:00, Reply)

I hope
he doesn't sit and lick his arse after dinner.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:01, Reply)

his CHCB's

MMmmmMMMmmm... rimming
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:02, Reply)

This is CHCB's Mr
www.cool-retro-tshirts.co.uk/tshirt-images/Henrys%20Cat.jpg
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:04, Reply)

The fact that she is ALWAYS pissed off about something
and no matter how petty it is ALWAYS a big fucking deal.
( Peej, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Sounds like this one needs to be drowned in a bucket

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Ah but I love her and she has a great arse

( Peej, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:07, Reply)

AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you.

That's out of my system now.

Nothing to do with the partner but lots to do with work and how chaotic and disorganised it is at the moment.

Breathe. Must remember to breathe. Think calm thoughts. Do. Not. Hit. Anyone.

Calm. Calm.

La la la. Tweeting birds.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Actually I'll make it about him
He could do all my preparation for me and make my life easier so I could spend more time eating cake.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:18, Reply)

I bet he never makes you cake either
*stiry stir stir stir*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:19, Reply)

Yes, you're right
I make cake - in fact I made SIX last week.

I had cake for lunch today.

Must start going to the gym more regularly before my arse takes on epic proportions.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Why isn't he making me cake?
Well?

To bloody busy being ill, that's why! And this time no mandarins involved just pigs.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:22, Reply)

I hear making cake
is an excellent cold and flu remedy
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:28, Reply)

Also
the mucus expelled into the mixture during the making of the cake adds flavour.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:29, Reply)

Hmmm
Nice.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:32, Reply)

Stuff some tampons up his nose
Problem solved
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:33, Reply)

have you ever had such a runny nose...
that you've been tempted?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:35, Reply)

Tempted yes
but never actually done it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:41, Reply)

I have not done it either.
I have, however, rammed lots of toilet paper up my nose in order to get some sleep.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Would dead mice do?
The cats keep bringing them home as presents for us and it's a shame to see them go to waste.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:35, Reply)

I'd quite like pictures of you
stuffing dead mice up PJM's nose
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:41, Reply)

I suspect he'd only submit
if there were skimpy undies involved.



He says they make him feel 'all pretty'
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 16:47, Reply)

OK how about this
I've been tentatively seeing the mother of my kid again. We just went on holiday and got on fine.

Yesterday my mother came up for the day to see me and also my daughter, so she came to my ex's flat to see the baby.

So the night before I gave up my Saturday night plans to go round to her flat to help tidy it up. Rather nice of me, no? Not content with that I went and collected a takeaway Vietnamese meal for our supper. I called from the restaurant and got her what she asked for.

Upon sitting down to eat she began literally shouting and screaming at me about how she wanted PRAWNS in her hot & sour soup -SHE ALWAYS HAS PRAWNS, I SHOULD KNOW THAT etc - despite her telling me VEGETABLES over the phone. When I pointed out that this was a trifle unreasonable she threw me out of her house - I had to empty my supper into a tupperware pot and leave immediately.

Then yesterday when it came time for my mother to leave I left too, to escort my mother to the station, telling this woman that I would call her soon and thanks for a nice day. This was met with a text telling me that this was apprently 'FUCKING RUDE'. I ignored her (20 x missed calls later) so she texted me telling me

a) a handful of records of mine are now in the street along with an £80 pair of jeans
b) I can no longer see my daughter
c) loads of other shit

so, in answer to your question, the above has disturbed, annoyed and pissed me off in the last 24hrs alone.

What a nutter, eh readers?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:12, Reply)

christ
that sucks. are the records ok?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:15, Reply)

I don't know, and they contain
Pink Fairies: Kings of Oblivion
Lenny Kaye's Nuggets compilation
DC's Highway to Hell (and Live at Donington DVD)
The 2 New York Dolls LPs
Introducing The Sonics
Ted Nugent: Cat Scratch Fever

I can't remember what else....

aaAAAAAAaaaARghhh
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:20, Reply)

you have my sympathies

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:20, Reply)

I have thought about
cancelling a child maintenance payment to cover the loss, but that would make me a cunt, wouldn't it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:24, Reply)

no more than actually being a cunt would

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:32, Reply)

I'm not sure I understand this comment, sorry for being dim
do I withhold cash or not?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:37, Reply)

Get out dude.
Strap on the parachute and get the fuck out.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:30, Reply)

She's extremely nice looking
and absolute filth, but evil and mental with it (see above)...

It should be a no-brainer (apologies for the Americanism) but whenever i see her, especially around my daughter, my reasoning goes to shit.

My generally extremely tolerant brother is politely telling me to STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER and after this weekend's shenanigans I think I may have to start listening.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:35, Reply)

She keeps telling me i'm fat.
I'm getting worried.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:46, Reply)

Worried that you're fat?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 10:56, Reply)