Just been reminded of this
The most stupid and yet amusing way I have injured myself (there are numerous stories, but this one is best I feel) is this: I was walking along the landing in my house. I went past my girlfriend who was bent over looking at something low down. Naturally, I spanked her across the arse with the book I was holding, but followed through the swing way too much and hit myself in the eye with the spine of the book, really quite hard.

Both hilarious and painful for all involved.

I've heard Kristine's awesome story of a multiple beating she gave herself. I'm sure the rest of you have some, so spill the beans.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:12, 60 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I can't believe you did that too.
Just last week I was spanking your girlfriends arse when I followed through and shat all over your floor.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Thanks
I've just spat diet coke all over my desk!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:17, Reply)

I'd had a curry the night before
so it did look a bit like I'd done that too. But it smelt worse.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:20, Reply)

You're such a delicate flower

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:21, Reply)

yeah
A PANSY!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:22, Reply)

*sniggers*

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

He's just upset becuase I didn't use his shiny new bathroom

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

you wouldn't know how

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Is not that I don't know how
I just got used to using your floor, your mrs prefers me to do that for some reason.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:26, Reply)

to be honest
our carpets are so shit that it'd probably improve them
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:30, Reply)

bathroom bike
( Cawl, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:25, Reply)

new gay
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:29, Reply)

You have a gay bike?
Fair enough.
I thought it was just Al that was into that kinda thing.
( Cawl, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:31, Reply)

I thought you were talking about Al's bike
mine isn't shiny, new or gay. it's barely a bike if truth be told
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:33, Reply)

he assured me
the phallic instrument protruding from the seat was a design feature to allow him to take corners at high speeds
( djtrialprice, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:34, Reply)

You brazen hussy

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:26, Reply)

Hmmm...
I managed to open a cupboard door into my balls once.
Wasn't much fun.
( Cawl, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:21, Reply)

Spaktard

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

You opened a cupboard door into Mel's handbag?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

*sighs*
2/10
( Cawl, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Oh sod off, that was at least a 7, maybe you didn't understand it.
I was implying, right, that you have been emasculated by the fact that you now live with your girlfriend, right, and that she keeps your crown jewels in her handbag.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:27, Reply)

I fully understood it,
But to get above a 3, it actually has to amuse me.
Anyway, I've got to go do the hoovering now.
*flounces*
( Cawl, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:29, Reply)

I was once trying to remove a fencepost using a hammer
To cut a reasonably crap story short, I ended up hammering myself in the shin.

It all went purple. Bad colour for a shin apparently.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

hiking as a teen with my cousin, she kept tripping over rocks, I told her to be careful, not a minute later I'm skidding half way down the trail
no one ever believes me when I say those scars on my knees are from summer camp
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:27, Reply)

I bet they do
they just assume you were shagging lots at summer camp.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:29, Reply)

it was church summer camp which probably means I was shagging twice as much as anyone ever

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:30, Reply)

I knocked over a cheap, flimsy shoe rack
in my parents house. It consisted of two plastic sides held together by several metal poles which the shoes rested on. Trying to force the poles back into the slots my hand slipped and I removed a big divot out of a knuckle of my right middle finger.

I ran screaming with arms flailing and trailing blood to the bathroom sink and lost the divot down the drain.
( djtrialprice, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:33, Reply)

Once while on the dole for a considerable period.
I dropped a hot iron on my foot. I didn't go to the doctors because I didn't think it was that bad but it got a lot worse. I spent a couple of weeks lying on the bed in my dingy bedsit room staring at my foot going manky and poking it as it oozed.
( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:36, Reply)

I dropped a transit van seat on myself at my old job...
I had lifted it out of the back of a van and was attempting to move it into the parts department. I was doing quite well and had it sort of balanced on my head when for no real reason I decided it would be a good idea to let go of it… it wasn’t a good idea, it squished me!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:37, Reply)

A few years ago
I was on a course that involved navigating a group of people around Ullswater. Probably the most unpleasant three days of my life due to the relentless rain, cold, wind and fog, but anyway… I had my map in a little clear plastic map holder around my neck and was trying to read it in the rapidly diminishing daylight (this being January). Unfortunately the wind whipped it from my hands and the corner of the plastic sleeve hit me in the eye.

Got a nice little ulcer under my eyelid as a result of that, and couldn’t see properly for about three hours immediately afterwards. Got me out of driving duties, at least.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Ouch!
I had a similar experience in the lake district when I was doing some wanky orienteering thing with my school. It was pissing it down and I had a laminated map around my neck, we went around a corner and the wind whipped the map up and it slapped me across the face – they’re friggin’ evil those things! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Tell me about it.
And because it caught me by complete surprise, I hit the deck like a sack of spuds.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

I don't blame you!
Did you at least get to wear an eye patch and pretend you were a pirate?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

Nope.
No eye patch action for me. Just lots of salty eye baths.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Eww
that's not so fun! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

Dammit.
I can't think of a strikethrough that would improve this.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:19, Reply)

well, there was this time when he really did flick jizz in his eye...
Go on Wookiee, you can do it :)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:35, Reply)

I'm sure Wookie has flicked Jizz in his eye
more times than you've had hot dinners.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:37, Reply)

That wouldn't happen if he kept his specs on, surely?

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:39, Reply)

Not MY eye,
DG's eye.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:02, Reply)

It stings like fuck
I can tell you that much.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:22, Reply)

damn those ambiguous pronouns!

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:24, Reply)

spunk, piss
or both?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Angle Grinders are for men
Safety glasses are for poofters.

Or so i thought as I was happily angle grinding various channels in the kitchen brickwork that would soon accomodate electrical wiring. Noisy and aggressive things that they are, it was making short work of the brick when all of a sudden a tiny speck of brick fired out and hit me on the cheek. it stung like fuck and it was this stinging that prompted me to reach of the poof-goggles. Yes, i backed down in the face of a maiming and donned the plastic eye defenders.

I was also wearing a dust mask, because they are also manly, and i could ease the boredom by pretending to be at an early 90's disco-rave. The thing was, the mask and the goggles were not good bedfellowes., the goggles didn't fit snugly onto my nose because of the face mask and my rapist like breath would escape up through the top of the mask and steam up the gay goggles.

So i am persevering, when all of a sudden there is an audible sizzle as yet another piece of fucking angle grinder driven brick meteorite ricochets off my cheek, up through the gap at my nose where the goggles met the face mask and right into my eye. Blinded, panicking and in control of an angry angle grinder my mind suddenly remembered the story of the chubby faced travel reporter, martin roberts and how his dance with the grinder ended in him nearly losing an arm.

www.breakingnews.ie/archives/2007/0409/business/mhauojgbmhql/

Anyways, i set the thing down and gingerly opened my eye..sure it was red, sure it was angry, but it was still there. i went out the back for a marijuana break and finished up for the day.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:08, Reply)

I have had this exact thing happen to me
almost word for word

uncanny
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:40, Reply)

including the drug abuse?

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:07, Reply)

pretty much

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:08, Reply)

I'm also reminded
of a story I was told 25 years ago when I was working in a kitchen. My boss was reinforcing health and safety in the workplace and illustrated the point by telling a tale of someone she knew cutting the string from a joint of beef. He was using a knife, and placed it blade-side up under the string then pulled. The string broke more easily than he anticipated, resulting the knife’s trajectory causing it to arc upwards and bury itself in the poor bastard’s forehead.

Moral of the story – use scissors.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:13, Reply)

and this one
reminds of my old Tech Studies teacher in secondary school.

He was chiseling/filing away at something, towards his body, when his hand slipped with the momentum, and his chisel went straight into his eye.

He took his chisel out, with his eyeball still impaled, and didn't notice that until the other teacher in the room screamed like a bitch "You're fucking eye is on the fucking chisel", and ran out of the room a lovely shade of green
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:49, Reply)

this ought to be a QOTW.
it'd be one of the best for a good while.

When I was 12, I held an eggtray across my legs so my brother (who was 24) could stab through it with his big fishing knife. He brought it down with some force, however I hadn't opened my legs far enough apart and consequently my left kneecap got in the way. Or more accurately the bit of cartilage just above it.

I screamed like a banshee.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:39, Reply)

I have suggested it
this reminds me of another time, when I was making a bong out of a 500ml vittel bottle. Using a sharp kitchen knife for the task was foolish and I ended up pinning the bottle to the palm of my hand. Still have the scar from that one.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:47, Reply)

I jumped off the bottom step of my stairs
and headbutted the ceiling...

bled everywhere.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:44, Reply)

I lost both big toenails
by going to a rave in a pair of too-small borrowed trainers.

It took about 2 months for them to finally drop off, having first turned every colour imaginable. It was like watching the seasons change.

The rave was in a mental hospital in Basingstoke. A fully open, inmates wandering around mental hospital. That was, as per the parlance of the day, MENTAL.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:51, Reply)

Eeep!
I did a similar thing wearing a stupid pair of shoes all around London on job interviews. They were too small for me and by the time I had walked home my feet were purple... I lost both big toes and about 5 other nails off my feet! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:17, Reply)

The worst bit
is when they're not quite off, isn't it?

When they're kind of flappy and get caught in socks etc. Hideous.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:26, Reply)

when i was about 12
I was in the stage of collecting conkers (don't know why, I didn't actually use them to fight anyone else).

I was putting a hole into one to get the string through, using, of all things, a golf tee (all other attempts with knifes, needles and whatever ended up with broken conkers). i was holding the conker in one hand, and pushing the tee with the other, when the conkler split (again), and the tee went right through the gap, and drove itself into the palm of my hand. Blood and fat everywhere - yet it was surprisingly painless.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)

metal skewers are the thing for poking holes in conkers
in case you suddenly decide you need to try again
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:05, Reply)

not likely
but thanks for the advice
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 17:59, Reply)

Jumpers for goalposts.
Or delivery doors. We used to play footy out the back of some shops where I lived and inevitably the ball would end up in a backyard. In one backyard rather more often. Over time the effects of young lads climbing over become apparent and the top of the wall was rebuilt. Blind young porky didn't notice and pulled the fucking lot down on himself. Ended up in casualty with a wide variety of brick related injuries. And later retired to bed with a new series of belt related ones. Did me no harm though.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 18:08, Reply)

ah goalposts
my friend and my brother and I decided to "build" some goalposts, usign material stolen from my friends dads business, and some dodgy carpentry skillz.

First shot off the post snapped it in two, and as the bar was plastic, sent the post swinging wildly backwards (and then forwards again) at lightning speed - could have been dangerous if someone was actually in goals at the time
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 18:13, Reply)