look at this twat
www.b3ta.com/questions/schadenfreude/post598728
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:08, 104 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

look at this twat
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post598757
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:10, Reply)

I'd fucking "look at this twat"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:13, Reply)

Merry Christmas, you two.

( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:15, Reply)

and my warmest season's greetings to you

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:17, Reply)

Let's go to Tayyabs with Al next year.
Vipros can't come though, cos he's practically abroad.
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:19, Reply)

That is a superb suggestion.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:20, Reply)

Hello!

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:21, Reply)

Hello!
How are you?
I called someone a festive prick yesterday.
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:21, Reply)

Di you stab their eyes with a fork too?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:22, Reply)

No,
But I did follow him to the next tube when we changed at Finsbury Park and then sat next to him and kept looking at him so that he felt harrassed. He was a rude man.
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:24, Reply)

What did he do to deserve the WRATH OF CLENDRIX!

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:25, Reply)

He refused to help an old lady with her heavy bag
that her family had kindly helped her onto the tube with. So I stood up to give her my seat, which was right next to the luggage bit and that's where he was standing.
He said, 'Can't you just wait?' I replied, 'Oh full of Christmas aren't you, you festive prick,' and was forced to elbow him roughly to move him out of the way so I could put her bag there Spineless twat.
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:30, Reply)

good tube vigilante stuff there
well done
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:34, Reply)

Nice work
You should have stamped on his balls too though.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:39, Reply)

HE WAS GERMAN
so I assume he only had one.
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:44, Reply)

You should have tugged his moustache then

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:45, Reply)

Weiner

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:46, Reply)

racistlolz

( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:54, Reply)

Ja

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:55, Reply)

It would have been great if you have tugged his trousers down
and he had a plump German sausage hanging out of the front of his pants and he would look all embarrassed and you could raise one eyebrow at him and he would struggle to get his trousers back up, but the crotch would catch on the sausage and it would fall out and land on the floor of the tube just as the doors opened and someone would walk onto the train and stand on it and he would be all like "Ach Mein Gott! Du Hast Trodden ont mein Wurst!" and then he would run off all red faced and sweaty and the train would all cheer and then pick you up and carry you through the town and there would be ticker tape and all teh young men of the village would be lining up to perform the ceremonial jizzing on your awesome norks.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:58, Reply)

^ post of the day.
already
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:59, Reply)

That's exactly what I was thinking.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:00, Reply)

Yay!
I have topped the popular page! My latest goal is complete.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:09, Reply)

*cries*
HSBC just phoned me. some cunt has been using my credit card.

the moron only used it for £25 worth though. idiot. they could have had £1500 worth of stuff from that card.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:22, Reply)

Well I thought I was being quite restrained
there is no need to call me a cunt.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:23, Reply)

but I only needed some petrol...
oops
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:23, Reply)

He must have seen you
and assumed you were unlikely to be allowed much of a limit.
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:23, Reply)

He probably thinks he's lucky to have got £25
Actually, it's probably him doing the small spend first to see if your card works, and then he would run up a fucking massive bill.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:25, Reply)

that's what I thought
I totally wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't called me. it's kind of a spare card that I hadn't got round to cancelling.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:27, Reply)

I once had £1500 nicked
from an account I'd never used (it came with my mortgage). I'd cut the debit card up the day it came and never used the account once so no-one could have skimmed it or got the details from an online transaction.

IT WAS A FACKIN FIT-UP MATE.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:24, Reply)

I haven't used mine in months
nice of them to phone after only £25 has been used
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:26, Reply)

That's pretty attentive isn't it?
I'm told the way these frauds are done has changed over time - they tend to go for a small amount (like your £25) from a large number of people, as many wouldn't notice it gone.
Kind of like an Albanian 'Brewster's Millions'...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:28, Reply)

it was to two mobile phone companies
which I seem to recall is something that flags it up, particularly if nothing like that has been on the card before
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Apparently garages are the most likely place to have your card cloned

they are often franchised, so there is no corporate secruity, there are cameras everywhere, to pick up your pin and the high counters make ity easy to skim your card.

Always pay for fuel with cash I was told, that was the first time I had £1500 quid nicked...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:34, Reply)

That's shit advice though
it's totally impractical and I earn loads of bonus clubcard points from using my credit card to buy all my fuel.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:38, Reply)

I use my credit card for fuel for work stuff
so don't want to be using cash and having to wait for expenses.

HSBC picked up two tiny fraudulent uses after one day, and have already blocked, then cancelled my card. That's good enough protection for me.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Ome (EDIT: 'some') weird game thing charged me $60 for 'credits' I didn't purchase
Paypal let it go out, despite me telling them as soon as I was invoiced.
I got it back, but that's not the point.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:27, Reply)

It is the point.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:39, Reply)

Go fuck off or you'll get a point in your eye
And good morning :)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:43, Reply)

And a good morning to you too...
Thanks for the warning - ok it is not the point.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:45, Reply)

Morning you herd of fucking reindeer!!
(Is it herd?)
The snow is clearing, my dad has man 'flu but is promising our annual Christmas Eve pint will go ahead.
I solved the 'forgot-to-buy-landlady's-cats'-presents' problem by going to the local shop and buying them a tinned fish hamper!
Just need to do a bit of cleaning and I'm ready to go...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:26, Reply)

You have to buy your landladys cats presents?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:34, Reply)

if by "You have to buy your landladys cats presents?" you mean "are you mental?"
then the answer is yes
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:34, Reply)

No by "You have to buy your landladys cats presents?"
I actually meant "you like to shove whole rainbow trout into your vagina?"
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:40, Reply)

You kids...
...with your street talk.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:41, Reply)

That's certainly the impression I'm getting

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:40, Reply)

I can do a bad Tommy Cooper.
Would that be better?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:42, Reply)

How's your Ronnie Corbett?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:43, Reply)

Oh you'd like that you midget loving freak.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:44, Reply)

Fuck off you cranks
She buys my cat a present so I have to buy her cats a present.
(My mum and dad also buy my cat a present. I have not given them grandchildren.)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:44, Reply)

Hmmm
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVDJvrBFDDc
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Have I told you about that before?
Every time we have a family photo we do that song with the clicks.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:49, Reply)

It was a lucky guess.
BTW Uncle Fester looks like my left testicle.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:50, Reply)

Er no
Uncle Fester is what we call Uncle Francey.
But you only see Francey without his plastic wig when he's ill, so I can't prove that he looks just like Fester.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:53, Reply)

My right one...
...resembles Art Garfunkel.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:30, Reply)

YOU LIED TO ME PAULY!!!
Art is boss.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:33, Reply)

Except that he resembles my plums.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 12:27, Reply)

I tend to get presents from my parents' dog
and recently also from their flock of chickens
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Is this true
Or ar you lulling me into revealing just how mental my family is?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:50, Reply)

this is unfortunately true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Honestly, it's fine
It make me feel an affinity. You ought to worry.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:53, Reply)

What kind of presents
result from the anthropomorphism of your folks' family pets?

If they're good ones I'd just go along with it.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:55, Reply)

they are generally pretty good
assorted cookware, that sort of thing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:55, Reply)

I'd get them chickens checked out mate.
Giving you things to cook them in doesn't suggest the best mental health.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:07, Reply)

I got some pyjamas from the cats once

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:56, Reply)

I bet they were good
*sniggers*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:57, Reply)

They were the... oh...
Fack ooooorrrrrfff!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:58, Reply)

hahahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:00, Reply)

Fair enough
If it was like Superdrug tokens or festive jumpers I'd probably nip it in the bud, but pjs and cookware's good.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 10:59, Reply)

My mum gets me a mother's day card from my cat
'To my Mummy', and she tries to draw a paw, but it's all spasticated.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:00, Reply)

This is cunning

Cats are know to be particularly poor artists
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:03, Reply)

But my cat is a gay
and everyone knows they're good at art
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:05, Reply)

The gays do love the creative arts it's true

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:05, Reply)

Maybe he is going through
a Picasso phase?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:06, Reply)

Ha!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:09, Reply)

Bless
Myself and a few friends once accidentally gate-crashed a wake for a pet pig (seriously!) and on the way back to our campsite passed a house with a big banner saying, "To Porky (or somesuch), I'll miss you forever. Love, your best mate, Bonzo the dog", with a muddy pawprint underprint. I almost welled up!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:03, Reply)

By wake do you mean BBQ?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:05, Reply)

How could you
Bonzo is a vegetarian
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:05, Reply)

That'll be why he's all shakey

I saw a Californina woman who brought up her dogs as vegans...un-fucking-believable.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:13, Reply)

Haha, no.
We were holed up in the hotel bar in this village, getting a bit loud and obnoxious to be honest. Not really sensing the atmosphere, we just wondered why they'd failed to call last orders since eleven and it was half-one before they did.

I asked why and they said, "Oh, it's a wake". We were gutted, we thought we'd just destroyed the send off for someone's Gran! It was only when we asked who died the barman told us that it was someone's pig.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:09, Reply)

This is both simultaneously wonderfully touching and yet utterly hilarious!

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:05, Reply)

do you, by any chance, live in Alabama?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:06, Reply)

That would maybe explain it.
We were off on a camping weekend to Runswick Bay near Whitby.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:10, Reply)

I really wish I could do a 'look at this twat' link to my cousin's facebook page
Or even put her on Failbook.
But I can't. And I'm scared of her. Highlights of the last two days include the exact stage my grandad's cancer is at, she's off for a spraytan, she's ringing the local radio station to ask themto set off balloons for our nan, her cousin and her babydaddy who are all wiv da angles this Christmas.

Latest status update: is off to get my hair done,...then going the cemetry to visit my lovely nan as its are 1st christmas with out her xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope nana puts the kettle on and does her make up...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:08, Reply)

Oh dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:10, Reply)

"Love use and miss use loads this christmas xxx"
USE!!!!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:12, Reply)

For once I am lost for words

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:30, Reply)

Hopefully,
There'll be a note taped to the headstone saying, "I'm not in!"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:12, Reply)

She hated having visitors
If they could dig her up and take her to the pub a la Weekend and Bernies, THEN she's appreciate them getting a spraytan, a hairdo, and trudging through the snow across a graveyard...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:15, Reply)

Or even better
"Back in 10 minutes, just nipped to the shops"

And she'll hang around for ten minutes and then ZOMBIE GRAN will lurch across the graveyard and grap her arm and rip it off at the shoulder and start tearing chunks of flesh off it and then smacking her upside the head with the soggy end and she'll be all like "Oh no! use said use were popping down the shops I didn't realise use meant use were a zombie off to kill and eat all the brains of everyone in the shop!" and then ZOMBIE GRAN would grap her hair and she'd be all screaming and stuff and ZOMBIE GRAN would bite her bottom jaw off and be all crunching it like a chicken gizzard and she'd be running round in circles trying to make a noise but her tongue would be all flopping down her front and pissing blood everywhere so she'd get all weak and fall over and ZOMBIE GRAN would take her time finishing the rest of her off.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:17, Reply)

Yup.
Your scenario is better.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Oh man! *CLICKETY CLICK*
My mum dreamt something similar the other night.
Dead Nana was never fussy on my mum. It comes out in her nightmares.
She said to my dad on Sunday "Ooh I dreamt your mam came back to life and was murdering me. It was terrifying."

Dead Nana was quite violent like.
Alive Nana is a pacifist.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:19, Reply)

haha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:22, Reply)

Is that because your Mum referred to her as 'Dead Nana'?

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:25, Reply)

No, it's me who does that
It makes it easier for people. Otherwise they go "Why would Nana punch a nun on the jaw??" And I go "No, not Alive Nana!! Dead Nana!! Dead Nana had a terrible temper."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:28, Reply)

I heartily recommend someone getting to that cemetary and carrying this out immediately

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:19, Reply)

I've just told dad.
He'd be up for it if he didn't have man 'flu.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:21, Reply)

that's a shame

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:22, Reply)

I said "You wouldn't..."
and he said "Er, WHO drew the moustache on Princess Diana on Nana's sideboard?"
I'll give him that. He doesn't wimp out. And Nana was hard. Like Bender. Just like Bender.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:25, Reply)

That's brilliant
Mocking Di is like a red rag to a pensioner.

*edit* and the moustache is obviously a tribute to the work of Marcel Duchamps as well.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:30, Reply)

We wiped it off before she saw
My dad has got a clicky jaw because of Nana's right-hook.
Even when she was ill she still had arms like hams.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:32, Reply)

please tell me it was a Hitler 'tache....
Double-pensioner-offence in one easy payment
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:32, Reply)

It was, but Nana was half German
Can you imagine if she'd seen??
It was bad enough when Alive Nana said to her once "You know, Mag, you're a proper fraulein."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:35, Reply)

Half German?
Even better. I would be tempted to just take the beating to please the comedy gods.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 11:40, Reply)