That'll learn him
I was getting on the bus. The girl in front of me had a broken thumb and was struggling to get her money out and get on at the same time.
I was behind her and so wasn't fully inside the bus.
This was obviously taking too long for the driver, so instead of telling either of us to hurry up, he just starts driving and then SHUTS THE DOOR ON ME! Totally hitting me, and I could have fallen, off, as it is, I fell on.
I told him he hit me with the door and he just glared at me. No reaction. The tombstone-faced pigeon-eyed cunt.

So when I was getting off the bus I said "It's not very polite to go shutting your passengers in the door, you could have just said something!" and then, instead of just leaving it at that, I allowed the red mist to take over. And on my last step off the bus, I turned, pointed and said "I hope someone squashes your daughter in a door!!"
What the fuck?!

When should you have just shut up?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:07, 90 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You should have added
"While she's still swimming in your testicles."

Then flounced off
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:11, Reply)

I stomped off
Then collapsed, giggling and cackling like a because I am a demented hag.
My mate was hysterical too. She just heard shouting behind her and thought "Oh god, no..."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:13, Reply)

I once saw a kid get off the train in Monte Carlo

The doors shut on his rucksack and he was picked up and started shooting down the platform.

12 of his family from kids to grannies had to chase him and pull him out, due to the lack of a horrfic ending it was quite funny!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:15, Reply)

I'd have liked a 'happy ending'
with a bit of gore
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:16, Reply)

I was at a friends house the other night and this guy of a certain ethnicity said 'let me ax you a question'
and in my drunken state I corrected him...numerous times.
It's not ax or aks. It's ask.
Instead of just shutting up I decided to traipse around talking all ghetto 'lemme aks you a quession'
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:16, Reply)

I toasted all night in some club once
Not on stage, just round the place, in a rubbish David Rodigan Jafaican accent and no-one minded at all. I seem to get away with murder. MURDAAH!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:19, Reply)

he thought it was funny, really
but I kept fucking with him because he denied it
you don't fuck wit a pimp, ya digg
*pimps*

lets stop before I get all ghetto in this bitch
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:20, Reply)

'SPLAIN ME, BITCH!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I WILL let a niggah know

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:23, Reply)

Tiggah pleeeease

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:28, Reply)

You should have took his number and reported him.
Do they have numbers like taxis?
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Duh!
all busses have numbers.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Stop picking on me OLD MAN.

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:21, Reply)

But little girl, you always say the most delightful things

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:26, Reply)

delightful daft and absurd
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Do I?

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Yes
We at the Darby and Joan club love your messages most of all.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:35, Reply)

*grins*

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:37, Reply)

He didn't have his badge on
And he was like Number 5 from Never Mind the Buzzcocks, so he wouldn't have responded if I'd asked.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:21, Reply)

It's in the job description
Skills required:

Being a cunt
Driving at full throttle or maximum braking, nothing in between
Not understanding "paper money"
Glaring
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I've been passenger to some lovely bus-drivers
When I was a kid there was this one who let us on for nothing and I said it was awful nice, and he said "Light a candle that Brian Robson breaks 'is bleedin' ankle. I caahn't stand 'im!"
And i didn;t liek a candle, but next door's kid threw a Brian robson figurine over the fence, so I stook a pin in its ankle, and he went out of that world cup with something wrong with his leg or his foot.
(Italia '90)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Roota Voodoo

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Pure you know
I make things blow up and switch themselves off too
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:28, Reply)

The odd one is nice

But I've seen their beady little eyes in the wing mirror as I run down the road trying to catch the bus and they wait, they wait until I'm level with the back doors then they drive away.

I once chased one to the next stop and called the driver a twat.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:35, Reply)

One of our local buses didn't have its number on the back
It merely said "BYE".
How infuriating.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Not in Service

Well fuck off then, and don't look at me like that as you drive past you utter bastard
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:39, Reply)

I would have got right up in his griddle and called him a cunt
but then I dont use the public transport system very often, so perhaps this is a regular thing that weeds out slow moving passengers.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:23, Reply)

The weirdo.
Rapisty eyes.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Sonova Bitch.
Did you get his driver/bus number thinggy? I would phone up and do an offical complaint, the guy is a cunt and needs his teeth knocked in, if you ask me.

It's quite dangerious what he did, there was a kid at school who was playing around with busses and ended up under the wheels of a double-decker and died a year later from it. That man is a cunt, of the highest order, tell them also "he smelt of drink too", just to fuck him up big-time.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:23, Reply)

Didn't have his badge.
I'll see him again and I'll take the cunt's photo.
Or maybe I'll calm down about it and just be a saucy cunt with him whenever I see him.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Take the photo, go to the press, really fuck his shit up for him.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:31, Reply)

I can't be arsed
I'm just going to make a tit of him on the bus, and take photos and that.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I don't think even local papers will run a "bus driver not nice" story.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Local newspapers could be the biggest waste of resources
in the entire world.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:39, Reply)

The Romsey Advertiser would
It has the most boring news in the world.

True fact
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I like Romsey
I used to go mushroom picking in Ampfield.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:48, Reply)

They could vamp it up a bit.
'bus driver tries to kill unsuspecting passenger as she tries to get on bus'
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:41, Reply)

he had murder in his eyes
I think it was racially motivated too
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Those Manchester bus drivers are racist.
They shouldn't be allowed to work in the Pool.
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:45, Reply)

yeah i bet he was as well

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:45, Reply)

"Bus driver almost kills passenger with gross neglect" they might do.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:43, Reply)

"Death bus ride from Hell"

Witnesses confirmed it was a bus
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:50, Reply)

I'm guessing saucy means something different in Liverpool...
otherwise he's in for a treat!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:32, Reply)

No it means both
In this instance I mean it in the cheeky way rather than the sexy way .
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Did you get his badge number?
(!)(!)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:51, Reply)

No, just a DNA sample

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Hehe bless you.
That’s the sort of retarded thing I would say in the heat of the moment.

About a month ago a woman opened an umbrella right in my face as I walked out of a tube station and I called her a bloody arse-face… she looked pretty shocked, but not as shocked as I was for calling her an arse-face of all things.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:52, Reply)

"You bloody arse face!"
That learnt 'er...

How's you, kid?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:54, Reply)

It bloody did, she looked all shocked and annoyed, I could have cared less I marched off!
I'm good ta, sleepy and pissed off about the weather being all shit, but I have no control over that... not yet anyway...

How are you doing?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I'm good y'know!
It's freeeeezing here, but no snow so I'm not going to complain too loudly.
Going to see Bigelf in Manchester tonight, and I haz packed lunch :)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Ooooh cool stuff... the Bigelf bit, not the freeeeeezing bit!
Hehe what is in your packed lunch?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:09, Reply)

MEAT

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Shurrup you
Flim, I haz sandwiches (mostly cheese-based), crisps and a packet of Viscounts. And lager. :)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Viscounts?
Biscuits of the Gods.
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:14, Reply)

I don't like biscuits
But I love Viscountsand Bourbons and Rocky robins and Penguins
I only ever buy Viscounts. I put them on a posh cakestand and offer them to my guests, along with French Fancies.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:16, Reply)

I love French fancies but I'm on a health kick.
I buy one bar of very nice chocolate a week and have half one day and half another day.
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:20, Reply)

I'm on a health kick too
I don't buy any chocolate. Then I don't eat any chocolate.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Yes but I have to treat myself.

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:22, Reply)

You see, this is where people go wrong with diets and stuff like that
they say, oh, i've been good today, I only ate a normal amount of food, so I deserve a treat, or I've done a nominal amount of exercise so I should be allowed a curry. I used to do this at Uni, I would go to the gym and have a kebab on the way home and I wondered why I didn't lose any weight. So now I do a reasonable amount of exercise and don't eat the chocolate bars (except when it's raining or I've been good and not eaten an chocolate bars all day or something).
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:26, Reply)

I did the whole deny yourself thing years ago.
I was skinny, miserable and still thought I was too fat.
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Ditto

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I did look hot though : )

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:36, Reply)

This with knobs on

although i went to the gym at lunchtime then ate lasagne afterwards, but it was with a salad so that's ok right?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:54, Reply)

Your packed lunch sounds wicked!
I am impressed!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:16, Reply)

I've impressed myself, to be honest, Flim

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:17, Reply)

I was waiting in the supermarket this morning at the self service till thing
and this girl just walked in front of me and tried to use the checkout I was heading for.

I was really cross so I said "excuse me" then she didn't hear me as she had her earphones in so I said "Excuse ME" and she took one ear out and went "yeah?" and I said "I was waiting in front of you" so she went "oh right, okay, sorry" but she had already scanned her sandwich so the checkout started arseing up and I couldn't use it so I just said "well you might as well keep going now you've already scanned your sandwich" and then I said "for fucks sake, fucking cunt" but I said that bit quietly under my breath, and I gave her an evil look, but she wasn't watching me she was paying for her sandwich and leaving. So I just paid for my batteries and walked home.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:14, Reply)

So no bumming then?

( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:15, Reply)

You didn't even curse her offspring?
Wow, this New Al thing...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Hahaha
See I would have messed that up and probably just screamed CUNT at her until she ran away crying with her sandwich!

What were the batteries for?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:16, Reply)

My vibrator
errrr, no, I mean my doorbell. My doorbell ran out of batteries so I didn't hear the postman this morning even though I was sitting in the living room when he turned up and put the card through the door which is annoying as it's raining and I don't want to walk down to the sorting office to get my parcel in the rain and I would drive but my car is in the garage as there is something wrong with it but I don't know what and I don't trust this garage like my normal garage but I don't know if my car will manage to get to my mum and dads on friday so I can take it to the normal garage so I have to hope this garage can fix it without charging me lots of money which I don't have.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Maybe you should have used the batteries
for a vibrator, it'd calm you down.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:22, Reply)

It doesn't calm me down.
If anything it gets me excited.
( girlinthehole, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:24, Reply)

I mean afterwards
not during.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:25, Reply)

You see now I'm thinking about you two
and your vibrators, and that's not calming me down in the slightest.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Theres just no helping you is there!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:31, Reply)

Oh you're welcome to help me if you want!

(Bazongaloid, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:42, Reply)

RUDES ONLINE!
Where are all the knights?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:20, Reply)

At the DFS sale
the round table broke after Lancelot roughly sodomised Gwenevire over it.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:25, Reply)

OH NOES!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:27, Reply)

If only the Modgazzer General were here

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:29, Reply)

*laments*

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:36, Reply)

Award for the most English post of the
Queing! Underhandedness! Avoidance of confrontation!

You should have scanned her fucking eyeballs until they bled
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:17, Reply)

I like this.

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Most English post of the what?
also PS 'queueing'.

You should have scanned your post until your eyeballs bled. I think you're due an award for 'least English post of the day'....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:44, Reply)

cueuent

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 17:27, Reply)

Grrrrr
When I was at the cinema last week a woman cut in the snack queue but she did it in a crafty way. She jumped in the queue to give her daughter and her friend their tickets, then she hung around, ordered popcorn, paid and then said ‘see you in a bit’ to the girls and fucked off outside leaving her daughter to dick around for 10 minutes deciding what to buy while I burst into flames behind them.

At times like that I wish I was Mr Gadget so I could have shouted ‘GO GO GADGET ARMS’ and twatted the bitch in the back of the head as she left the cinema.

*deep breath*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:21, Reply)

'twatted the bitch'
Good wordage
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:26, Reply)

A Sheffield bus driver
last week was unwilling to give change of a £20 note - for a £16 ticket. WTF?
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:20, Reply)

£16 for a trip to Sheffield?
Daylight robbery
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Nah, that's just the price to get out.

Like the Ten-bob boat or whatever it was...
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:38, Reply)