Gooooood Morning B-3-T-A!!!
There was a bored DJ named TrialPrice
Who found that he only had one vice.
He followed young Roota
By using his 'Puter
Cyber-Stalking is really quite nice.

As you were.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 7:15, 109 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Porky tells us all he retired
But by QOTW was inspired
To unload his cock
On his manager's frock
I'm afraid he was instantly fired.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 7:50, Reply)

Noel is often found talking
Of the benefits found when out walking,
The truth is much stranger,
We're all in some danger,
It's used as a cover for stalking.

Oops, theme here.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:10, Reply)

Haaaaay good lookin'
Whaaa tcha got cookin'
How about cookin' up something for meeeee.

It's a Beeeeuuuuutiful day sports fans.

Today is going to be awesome, I have no idea how or why yet, but it will be.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:11, Reply)

While reading Gonzo's blogs
We find that he likes dogs
But because of his humour
There soon is a rumour
He'll dress them as Dutchmen, in clogs.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:15, Reply)

Yay ! I've got so many things to write up in my blog, about 5 recipies and a ton of photos and about 10 geeky things to do with iPhone development.
Deffo will get them done this week.

Porkylips has a big belly,
Slap it and it wobbles like jelly.
He likes mayple on his pancake,
Deep fried and not baked.
Wil he leave the last one, not on your nelie !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:22, Reply)

Love it! Cheers!

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:23, Reply)

Porkylips once went to Mexico
With the hired sinyorittas he had a go.
In exchange for spunking in her eye
She gave him a nasty STI
And learnt 'oh god' in spanish lingo !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:30, Reply)

I should point out that I don't really know you, and am not sure if that picture is actually of you.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:26, Reply)

It's faked mate, but not far wrong, unfortunately.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Nothing wrong with a bit of a belly, shows you're a real man rather one of these fancy boys who moisterise 3 times a day.
There is quite a market for a bear of a man.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:34, Reply)

Bear Force One

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Hmmm
I came onto b3ta today
But wasn't quite sure what to say
Whether it's fun and frolics
Or absolute bollocks
I think I'd be driven away!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:20, Reply)

So Rooney has had a tattoo
Of a Stereophonics album, it's true!
Now I've thought long and hard
And decided, the card!,
Has had JEEP inked in on his flue.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:23, Reply)

Aw man! I'm too busy to make up rhymes.

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Pfft.
You'll find yourself thinking about it no matter what.
A quick scribble and post at lunchtime.

Have a nice (busy) day.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:34, Reply)

She goes by the name of Bee Gee Bee
And all she wants is unlimited access to a willy.
She shoves it where she wants,
and then goes and flaunts...
"Twelve inches just enough for me".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:36, Reply)

: )

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:40, Reply)

Well good morning Porkers!
I just dropped by quickly as I'm grumpy and late, but that really is something else!!
and completely true
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:34, Reply)

Porkles you great oaf:
I really must deliver
A duffing-up now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:42, Reply)

Is that a Haiku?

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:46, Reply)

No, I'm just pleased to see you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:49, Reply)

you idiot

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Haha

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:22, Reply)

FFS
Oneupmanship. What's wrong with a limerick then? Eh?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:47, Reply)

If only that was
Not an Empty Threat Old Boy
How happy I'd be.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Morning all
Hard to think of a rhyme, but I'll give it a few minutes thought
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:52, Reply)

To be read in a Pam Ayres voice...
There once was a b3tan called Boyce
Who was thought to be not very noice
He made b3ta unwell
So they tried him to sell
But they couldn't agree on a proice.

Sorry Monty, couldn't resist!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:56, Reply)

From haiku to Pam fucking Ayres in a single step.
Ah, the cultural highs and lows of B3ta...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 8:59, Reply)

There's not many words which rhyme with Boyce
Unless you use the west country accent!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:04, Reply)

And back to it.
A poem, an ode to Sir Monty of Boyce
To be read in a Thespian declamatory voice.
His face is so fair,
He's luxuriant of hair,
Oh Lord, he's my bounder of choice.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Marvellous.
Whilst others might think it quite sad
To be cast as a bounder, I’m glad
They say ‘if the cap fits…’
You monotonous shits,
I am also a terrible cad.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Hey, B3tan we all know as K2,
You’ve made me extremely irate, you
like 2 girls 1 cup
I shall duff you right up
And I might even call you a gay, too.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Fame at last!
Even if I've been called a shirter.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:14, Reply)

It's the best you can hope for sometimes

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Buh
I can't rhyme in English :_(
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Then do one in spanish, stuff it through a translator and we'll get the gist of it.
Go on, have some fun.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Me Casa su casa,
Las plateas des fritas,
Cerveza y hamon fiesta!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Egg and chips
EGG. AND. CHIPS!
Can't you speak English? Bloody forrins...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:17, Reply)

No idea which language is that
But you made me laugh!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:17, Reply)

Translation -
What's mine is yours,
A plate of chips,
Beer and Ham party!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Lo mío es tuyo (or Mi casa es tu casa)
Un plato de patatas
Fiesta de la cerveza y el jamón!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:20, Reply)

donde estan los servicios, por favor?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Segunda puerta a la derecha
Como siempre
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Muchos gracias

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:28, Reply)

De nada

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:30, Reply)

I actually say "de nada" all the time
Or "de rien", if I'm feeling a little French.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Ha!
I teach Spanish and the students can't understand why "de nada", if you have actually done something to be grateful for, why do you say "de nada"?

I think "you are welcome" is much worst.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I'm going to learn this and say it randomly at customs next time I get to Spain.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I'm sure they'll appreciate the effort
You might get extra lucky and they might direct you to the closest fiesta as well.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:26, Reply)

I love chips, beer and ham fiestas best of all the fiestas.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I can give you a list of places to go and dates
And they won't be turistic places, either. You might have a bit of a problem with the language, but you'll have plenty of beer and ham.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Noel's more of a 'Razzle' man, I think

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Razzle?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Fiesta and Razzle are long-standing porn magazines.
And he's spot on.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:33, Reply)

I see
I'll let you read in peace, then.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Right, I don't know how to do bolds, but I hope you get it:
Bien parece que ya estamos a martes
3 días más para ser libre de nuevo
Tanto esperar para que llegue lo bueno
Aquí, al menos, el tiempo pasa antes.


Well it seems that we are through Tuesday
3 more days to be free again
So much waiting to get the good things
Here at least, time passes quicker.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:17, Reply)

I like it. Almost Lorcan.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Ha! Not quite, though!
At school we used to have rhyme competitions. The teacher would give us 3 words and we had to write a poem in 1 minute.

I used to win all the time :))
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:23, Reply)

This is crap, but the effort is made.
Huevas y patatas fritas
Esta un comida completas
Consumer todo dias
Con vino muy frijas
Y impresar senoras bonita.

Edit: Please correct as you see fit.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Apologies...
There was a young lady named Blousie,
Who confronted by me said "now see,
"I'm in love with dear Jeff,
He's all I have left,
Since the menopause left me all grouchy!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I like this one!

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Mean but true.

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Just joshing with you ;)

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:46, Reply)

TSC as everyone knows
is disturbingly obsessed with crows.
When told to get rid
of all things corvid
he went on a bender with hoes.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:17, Reply)

I really like this!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:18, Reply)

That's superb.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:22, Reply)

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH CROWS???
Nice one. I like it. Particularly as you just about managed to get 'corvid' to scan!
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:41, Reply)

A bit laboured but....
Aberracion is my favourite Spaniard,
Though she pines for for her homeland and vinyards
To soften the pain,
Till she goes home again,
She wears a bull's balls on a lanyard.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Am I know?
That's very sweet from you. Just to put it into perspective, how many Spaniards do you know?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Mainly people from holidays.
But one quite well. His Dad had the import rights for Liebherr cranes and he sent him here to learn the ropes and improve his English. Nice chap, Jose.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Bless you.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Nice
Is he still around or came back home?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Went back home after 2 years.
Lives in Madrid but has an estate on the south coast for the summer.
Haven't spokemn to him in about 8 years, one of those people who come and go from your life.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I'm not jealous
So he's got a house in Madrid and another in the South.

Poor...
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Very poor.
12 bedroom apartment in Madrid ( I think it's a top floor or something. The whole top floor). The estate is hundreds of hectares with a private beach and jetty, boathouse and clifftop "villa". More like a fucking mansion. Unfortunately he was such a pleasant chap it was hard to hate him for it in the proper English way. He did mention a vineyard in Galicia but I think he was just winding me up by then.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Well, as I don't know him
I can hate him properly.

However, I can see you made a big mistake there. You should have kept in touch and go to visit from time to time.

I would be your best friend and go with you, so you don't get lost in translation. I'm that kind.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 10:00, Reply)

If Boyce is hard to rhyme, Monty is harder.
There once was a B3tan named Monty
With the charm of a young white Tom Conti.
He loved to take drugs
and give naked man-hugs
like the diplomat John Negroponte.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Heheh
Auntie, jaunty... Nope, I'm out.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:32, Reply)

If you taaaawwwk like Lloyd Grossman
lots of things rhyme with monty. I also considered
A British Il Duce
With men he gets smoochy

but I wasn't sure of the rhyme.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I am DISGUSTED.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Are you really Freddy's cousin?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Yup
*directs traffic dressed as a commando*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

You're SO like mum's uncle Charlie sometimes...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Me, earlier (can't believe I found this ace pic of our Barry):

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Why won't they let him euthanise Kay Burleigh?
So sad...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
"By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?
"The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And I am next of kin;
The guests are met, the feast is set:
May'st hear the merry din."

He holds him with his skinny hand,
"There was a ship," quoth he.
"Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!"
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

He holds him with his glittering eye --
The Wedding-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years child:
The Mariner hath his will.

The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone:
He cannot chuse but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop
Below the kirk, below the hill,
Below the light-house top.

The Sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.

Higher and higher every day,
Till over the mast at noon --
The Wedding-Guest here beat his breast,
For he heard the loud bassoon.

The bride hath paced into the hall,
Red as a rose is she;
Nodding their heads before her goes
The merry minstrelsy.

The Wedding-Guest he beat his breast,
Yet he cannot chuse but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

And now the Storm-Blast came, and he
Was tyrannous and strong:
He struck with his o'ertaking wings,
And chased south along.

With sloping masts and dipping prow,
As who pursued with yell and blow
Still treads the shadow of his foe
And forward bends his head,
The ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
And southward aye we fled.

And now there came both mist and snow,
And it grew wondrous cold:
And ice, mast-high, came floating by,
As green as emerald.

And through the drifts the snowy clifts
Did send a dismal sheen:
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken --
The ice was all between.

The ice was here, the ice was there,
The ice was all around:
It cracked and growled, and roared and howled,
Like noises in a swound!

At length did cross an Albatross:
Thorough the fog it came;
As if it had been a Christian soul,
We hailed it in God's name.

It ate the food it ne'er had eat,
And round and round it flew.
The ice did split with a thunder-fit;
The helmsman steered us through!

And a good south wind sprung up behind;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariners' hollo!

In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
It perched for vespers nine;
Whiles all the night, through fog-smoke white,
Glimmered the white Moon-shine.

"God save thee, ancient Mariner!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus! --
Why look'st thou so?" -- With my cross-bow
I shot the Albatross.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Not really very catchy is it.

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Oh, I was thinking it was one of the most important poems ever written,
but seeing as it's not catchy.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Wow that's ace
You should seriously think about getting that published.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Something I just knocked up.
I feel like I should do maybe 6 more parts.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:46, Reply)

You really should use protection
/drumkit falls off a cliff
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Quick and crap.
There was a young chappie called Noel
Whose sexual release was his only goal
He approached a young filly
Who grabbed hold of his willy
And said, 'well it's better than being on the dole'.
( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:43, Reply)

QotW stories grew tall and wide,
And we realised the sex-pests had lied,
Where a good story sat,
We found a place to chat,
But eventually this was decried.

For "what are you doing?" cried Rob,
"This isn't QotW's job!
"To natter and squawk,
We gave you sods /talk,
Stay on-topic or just shut your gob!"

But, knowing /talk was a strange, hostile place,
In a move of great wisdom and grace,
Rob opened a board
To which he implored,
We move our discussions, post haste.

So we all drifted over to it,
Sharing diatribes, woes, smut and wit,
And still to this day,
It's our favoured place to say,
That a given week's question is shit.

Guitars, griddle pans or crap men,
Flappy hair or bumders (yet again!),
Monty's stints as a Dee-Jay,
Or Gonz's new local Subway,
Or "Jeff Bridges: nine inches or ten?"

So triumphantly, /OT shambles on,
And of its denizens, I'm proud to be one,
Any time, any season,
This place is the reason,
I never get any fucking work done.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 9:56, Reply)

*claps loudly*

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:00, Reply)

*Ovates*
*Gets strange looks from colleagues*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 10:03, Reply)

*round of applause*
You win the internets
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Tremendous, old boy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:10, Reply)

All of the win sir

( djtrialprice, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Ha!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

"I think I may never post again."
Oscar Wilde, earlier.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:30, Reply)

very nice indeed.
do allow me to respond in kind ...

TSC, an /OT shining wit,
Posted his magnum opus upon it.
His most pleasing rhyme
Shows his cunning, corvine,
And he'll reliably toaster your tit.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)

*de-lurks*


*re-lurks*
( djtrialprice, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Where is she?
I'll kill 'er!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

He's not worth it, Gary.
Leave it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 10:26, Reply)

It cuts me up, Guv
Brazen and all...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:30, Reply)

For fuck's sakes, you insufferable tit
Can't you see that your poetry's shit?
I've enjoyed this so little
I'll come at you like Fritzl
And you'll live out your life in a pit
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

^ NOW we're talking.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

JUSTICE FOR BARRY
A fellow named Barry was framed
The Police should be very ashamed
When a year had passed by
‘He killed Dando!’ they’d cry
But the halfwit was unfairly blamed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Hear hear!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)