On the subject of nightmares
I had one about my impending nuptials. I dreamt I had the shits, and I was already late for the wedding. There was a loo in the church, but it was slap bang in the middle of the choir stalls. So I had to creep in there, hitch my dress up, and let my bottom burble away whilst whispering embarrassed apologies to the choir.

What's the most humiliating thing your bottom has done to you?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:09, 88 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

True story, I once took a dump in a garage forecourt.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:16, Reply)

At the time, I had a card that said "Pretty please, let me use your toilet, this is a MEDICAL EMERGANCY" that the doctors gave me.
It's so good, it means I don't have to resort to McDs or KFC toilet, which are grim and horrible. I can go into the posh resturants and a lot of the time they let me use it. I always leave the place as I find it, put a quid or soo in the pot and say to whoever let me in "Let me get you a coffee, thank you so much".

So I was walking home late at night, and The Urge took over me, I couldn't help it, and I wasn't about to go in my pants and have to walk home like a cowboy. I go up to the petrol station's thinggy and explained the situation, and he turned it a right prick, said he won't let me in, I offered him even a fiver, and he said 'no'. I was perfectly polite to him, and he then tells me to fuck off ! I was so taken back, but now The Urge was inimient, it's happening weather he or I like it or not. So I walked off into the middle of it, right by one of the pumps so I wasn't seen from the road, pulled down my trousers and let rip. It was then my luck turned, I noticed those sheets of paper they give you for whipping down the petrol when you spill it, perfect bog roll !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:23, Reply)

He was shouting at me as I was doing it, but it was over in seconds, I just said 'thanks' and walked off.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Haha
I can't believe you were so polite to him after he was rude to you!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Since when is shitting where someone works polite?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:28, Reply)

I was referring to him saying "thanks"
as he walked off.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

When they work as a lavatory attendant?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:30, Reply)

pfft!

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

...a sound regularly heard in that line of work...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Yes
I thought that as I typed it!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:44, Reply)

You know you're in a dodgy town when
the toilet in McDonalds only has one of those UV lights in and not a proper light so as to stop people jacking up in there. Gonz, right, if this is too personal a question, by all means tell me where to go, but what is up with your guts?
(berk, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Heh, true.
I got something called Chrones Desease.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Ah, ok
I'm sorry you have such a shit time with it, I'm sure when I studied it at uni I read that it could be managed fairly well :(
(berk, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:36, Reply)

I donno the technical details, don't really want to know.
But it effects different people differently, it's quite rare you'll find two people with the same story on it.

I'm on some stuff called Inflixinab at the moment, and I'm currently the best I've ever been.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I had a schoolmate
...who suffered from Chron's.

Nasty, nasty conditon, he'd be off school for months on end until he had a section of bowel removed which improved his condition considerably.

After the op, he reputedly asked the doc if he could keep the length of intenstine along with his stitches as a souvenir.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:47, Reply)

O_o
Of all the souvenirs to have...
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Oh my, no thanks. I gave my bits away to SCIENCE.
I've had two lots of around 10" taken out.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Ow!
I'm really sorry to read that Gonz.

You have my sympathies, my friend had a really rough time with Chron's.

How are you getting by since the ops though?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:33, Reply)

I have my ups'n'downs, but at the moment I'm the best I've ever been =)
This inflixinab stuff is great, I have it every 2 months, and in the week or two leading up to it, I'm knackered, and the week after I'm also knackered (it wipes out the imume system, and can be quite nasty if it doesn't work right), but three bad weeks a month and having the rest of the time good, is good enough for me =)
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I was really quite ill last weekend
and didn't want anything to eat. My mum, of course, wouldn't take no for an answer and jollied, cajoled and eventually forced me in to eating some sunday dinner. So, as I was sat at the table with my family, feebling picking at some chicken, I felt a fart rattle it's way down my colon. I thought I could probably sneak it out without anyone noticing. Boy, was I wrong.
I followed through. Copiously. Then I was sick. Then I went back to bed* where I should have been left in the first place.

*I had a wash first, obviously
(berk, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Erk!
Yep, that's pretty embarrassing.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:27, Reply)

It wasn't my finest moment.
That is reserved for when I caught actual genuine Medical Emergency type food poisoning and lost over a stone in a week.

EDIT - in fact, it was pretty much like himjim's story below. I heaved so hard at one point I actually tore a muscle.
(berk, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I got Campylobacter
from the River Avon in whilst canoeing.

Spraying from both ends for a week or so, incredible stomach pains, and I shit myself twice in a delirious haze.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I caught something on a plane
and spent my entire michaelmas half-term trip to the USA lying on my front on a mattress, drinking flat coke and trying to do farts that weren't squidgy (I failed). I lost half a stone in a week, and I was only 11 at the time.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Great weight loss
program isn't it!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Got ridiculously drunk on holiday on some vile African drink Grogue
And when we all went back to a hotel room I sat down in the shower fully clothed, shat myself and passed out.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Hmm.
This thread is certainly given me masturbation-fodder to last out the weekend.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Bonus!

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I'm surpised you are not cracking one off at the moment, Mr D.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Well, its hard to hold the poo in one hand
and wank with the other.

Maybe I should try and combine the two?
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:53, Reply)

You're the expert, I'll leave it to you.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:53, Reply)

I think you dreamt of having a poo in the church font.
I take this as being an illustration of what you think about the church.

As far as having a humiliating bottom, I've got a bit of ibs, and its always letting me down.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I once had streaming, volcanic diarrhoea
in the bin cupboard of a council block round the back of Old Street station. I then had to clean myself up using my underpants, and then work a 10-hour day 'commando'.

Not an all-time best life experience, that one. And a repost, to boot.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:36, Reply)

It does farts
And when I try not to fart, my stomach does singing instead, and that sounds like long squeaky farts anyway so I may as well just fart.

I've got IBS, apparently, but I'm holding out for the helicobacter pylori results cos that sounds better.
Either way, I take anti-spasmodic tablets (yes, I have to regularly anti-spaz myself but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Everyone seems to be getting IBS now,
it's so passe
(PsychoChomp, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

IBS?
How 2008.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:43, Reply)

You can have mine for free.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:44, Reply)

You can't give it away.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I'll deliver it for free too.
You're not far away.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:48, Reply)

It's the new 'dyslexia'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:44, Reply)

It's the new 'dislekcseah'

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

They just use it when they can't explain the shit that's going down with your shit
But I've had ENOUGH, I tell thee.
I've had blood tests. I want a proper illness, god damn it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Maybe it's something new that's previously unknown to science?
They might even name it after you?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:50, Reply)

I'm sorry it's bad news, you've got the rootas

(PsychoChomp, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

I'm going to give you something for your stomach.
It will calm down, calm down.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:55, Reply)

I fucking love this!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:00, Reply)

^ hahahahaha!

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

*applause*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:04, Reply)

'I like this'

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:20, Reply)

At uni
I got "freshers flu" probably from that forin' guy down the hall from me who smelt funny. Anyway after three days in bed I thought a shower would make me feel better but it didn't and I ended up shitting and half fainting in the shower. On the plus side if you're going to end up covered in shit anywhere you want it to be in a shower.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:48, Reply)

It's a fair bet then...
...that you smelled much worse than forrin guy at this point.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:49, Reply)

That is true.
I would also rather be in the shower than the bath, as sitting in a bath of shitty soup would not be pleasant.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Passing out in the shower is fun.
It happened multiple times last year, it was interesting to say the least.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Was it in your own house though?
Because I feel I should metion at Uni there was one shower on my floor to share between me and five guys
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

I was lucky in that I had an ensuite
admittedly it was the size of a small wardrobe, and more of a "wet room" than a shower, but that meant I could lie under the tap and vomit into the loo at the same time.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:00, Reply)

...named Moe?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:12, Reply)

I suffered an attack of the runs in a nightclub once.
Made it to the toilet fine, but unfortunately all the beer I'd been drinking chose that moment to attempt an escape, and I was sick in my pants.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Ah, the "one last defeat snatched from the jaws of victory" feeling.
*sympathies*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:00, Reply)

And then victory reclaimed!
All the sick stayed in my pants, I managed to remove them with minimal spillage, hid 'em in the cistern and then back to the dancefloor with no-one the wiser.

Except that I was hammered enough to find it hilarious so I told every... single... person I met for the rest of the evening.

Oh well.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:21, Reply)

So you went home alone then?

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:30, Reply)

In this respect it was no different to any other night out.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:32, Reply)

You went home with me and Clendrix the other weekend :p

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:38, Reply)

This is true :)

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Ah but did you reclaim them at the end of the night,
or are they still there to this very day...?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:31, Reply)

And, in the dark of night, clubgoers still talk of mysterious smells
and the sound of a ghostly cistern overflowing...
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

"Woo-oaa-woo-oaa-wooo, myst-ear-e-ous sme-ell!"
/Peter Andre
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

haha
this isn't quite as effective in text but luckily I can imagine you telling it to me fairly deadpan and outraged I was being american and thinking trousers were pants
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Wookie's deadpan delivery...
...Would make this story funnier x10 IMHO.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I realise my post makes it seem I am imaginging
but he has told me in person and it was about 11 times funnier :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:11, Reply)

In edinburgh
I was OUTSIDE when Tourette's farted and it was so vile I ran back into the club and was almost sick on Nostrebor who said I looked pretty pale and when I told DG his wife had almost KILLED me he just laughed
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:54, Reply)

She's a pro.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I did one outside once and my uncle nearly cried
And this woman, hearing what was going on and being all nice said "Well I can't smell a thing" and he said "Wind direction luv, it'll be along in a minute. It'll stick to yer EYES!!" and ran off.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:26, Reply)

POTD!
It'll stick to yer EYES!!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:30, Reply)

There's no middle ground y'see.
He says to me "Mate, yours either smell like Chanel to me, or they're melting my lungs. That's not right."
Then there was the time they all cleared out of my mother's house and Grandad came to the window just to stare at me like an angry god. They just went home. They didn't even wait for it to clear. My uncle came back briefly with Nana's cardie over his face, asking for his jacket. But then they were gone.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:33, Reply)

But you seem so harmless in person...
...they do say everyone has their dark side though.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Poor Grandad
He was so disappointed in me.
A few weeks later he fell over, but I'd had too much Red Bull and a hangover, so I filmed it instead of helping pick him up.
He called me a cunt.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:37, Reply)

I wish my family were like yours.
Mine are all either dead, or cunts.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Oh he's a cunt alright
And now I owe him money, so that makes me the bigger cunt.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Back when I were a lad...
...in the very early 1990s I was out with a few mates clubbing at our local meat market.

I'd been to the loo and was stood at the sink washing hands and preening, when this drunken Scots squaddie waddled into the toilet and announced to the whole room.

"Ah jus' shat meshelf..."

With that, he turned, dropped his trousers and showed everyone.

An hour later he was all over some girl I went to school with during the slowies. I hope she didn't grope his arse.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I am now pissing myself.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:44, Reply)

That's a different thread.

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Roota the BikePisser

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

You would go well with shitting himself then
Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here today..


( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:51, Reply)

There's me mum's fambo ahahahaha

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

That looks like a King Crimson album cover.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 12:45, Reply)

Try the next door down love

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

They moved away shortly after

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Bleurgh!
I once pulled a guy in a club, and it was only when we went outside for a smoke that I saw he had vomit all over his shirt and really bad acne. I ran back inside and avoided him for the rest of the evening.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 12:14, Reply)