Silly Joke Thread!
What's the difference between a Kangeroo and a Kangeroot?

One's a Marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Your turn.

Alt Q: "I'm getting drunk tonight, fuck you." What were the last words you said to your boss?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:23, 148 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: None
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Best joke ever (apart from the Noddy Holder joke)

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:47, Reply)

What's the Noddy Holder one?

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)

*ahem*
It's set in 1974: Noddy is shopping in a trendy boutique. He tries on a pair of gold lame loon pants, and is admiring them in the mirror when the assistant asks if he'd like to try on a silver shirt too, which he does, and that looks fantastic too.

The outfit's really taking shape. Then the assistant says "would sir like a kipper tie?"

"Not 'alf, I'm parched. Milk and two sugars, please"
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Worst joke
in history.
( Kroney, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:12, Reply)

How dare you!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:22, Reply)

And I'm including
Women's Lib in that.
( Kroney, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I think you'll find I posted a far worse one this morning

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:27, Reply)

10/10
Can't believe I haven't heard that before
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:12, Reply)

I get too excited by the time I get to the punchline
and so completely blurt it out in a rubbish brummie accent
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:03, Reply)

alt
Yes that’s right based on a whole load of pretty unscientific assumption:

We follow the -23% below forecast for the rest of the month
All subsequent days are exactly 90%


In reality I would say worst case scenario for both days would be about 65% by close of play which could take off about 3-4% of our month figure. If we’re going to do it a month like this one would be the best. I would recommend talking to steve to see if there’s any big training scheduled for those days as well.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)

it's about paperclips obviously.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Alt Q: I'm telling mum you said that.

( girlinthehole, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:28, Reply)

A guy walks into a bar. Ow.
Alt: "She said if you know your way around it's easy, and I thought if you knew your way around you wouldn't need me to give you directions. Bitch."
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:30, Reply)

last words: You percieve me to be a pessimistic bitch, however I always seem to be right

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:31, Reply)

I hope you kicked them in the head after saying that.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Did you watch that film last night, 'Gaylords say No?'

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Must have missed it.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:38, Reply)

I only know rude jokes I'm afraid

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Well tell us one of them.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

your mum's a rude joke.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Ooooh. Stick you.
Your momma too and your Daddy.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Up your butt with a coconut.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:43, Reply)

U.G.L.Y You aint go no alibi.
You ugly.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:47, Reply)

what did one snowman say to the other snowman
can you smell carrots?
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Flippin 'eck it's rosalicious back form her holidays!
Did you pull any greasy waiters?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:38, Reply)

oh god theyll haunt me until the day i fucking die
whats with the fucking face stroking when im trying to eat? and the grabbing of hands? i hate them so very much al
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:53, Reply)

That sound horrific
I'm amazed you didn't chin any of them. Did you get any sunbathing done?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

only every fucking day it were ROASTING
i still look like im wearing a white body stocking. fuck being a red head
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I'm imagining standing on the beach admiring all the lovely ladies
and being blinded by the sun reflecting off your stomach.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:02, Reply)

you kinky bitch

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:05, Reply)

oh how i've missed yooooooooouuuuuuuuu !

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:45, Reply)

&hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts &hearts
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:54, Reply)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Get a room you two.

( girlinthehole, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:01, Reply)

grump

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:05, Reply)

They could always use mine...

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Don't use my photo without my permission, please.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Like the haircut.
(And the blunt.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:42, Reply)

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
you will all know it, so.

alt: "argorr you're a bad influenceeee seeyou in 6 hours"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Was he just about to go down on you?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:38, Reply)

i'm not his type
he likes teh boyz.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:39, Reply)

So, like I said, was he about to go down on you?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:39, Reply)

hah- oh wait.
you're NOT FUNNY.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:46, Reply)

You love me really
admit it.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I would
But you're just too old.
(ThePope, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Fuck off Bert

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:13, Reply)

If only
Bert was here. Then I'd tell him to fuck off like the rest of you have.
(ThePope, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Of course you would

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:22, Reply)

so is this going to be a regular biweekly thing for you then?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:26, Reply)

I'm trying to imagine if the highlight of my week
was when my new account to a web forum I've been banned from on numerous occasions enables me to post so I can talk to people I don't know about having sex with my own family.

This must be how you feel all the time Bob!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Ssssh now
I wasn't speaking to you. Don't you have a bike to oil, or bread to make or something?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:40, Reply)

As and when
time permits during the working day.
(ThePope, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Made bread last night actually
it was superb.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)

All a matter of opinion Al my internet cohort.
I for one am convinced my farts smell like little parcels of heaven.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)

Hi 'The Pope'!
What do you think of that great musical starring Whoopi Goldberg?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:42, Reply)

Sister Fucked?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Or Fister Ass?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)

/\ This.

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:32, Reply)

We've
had a pint together I do believe.

TGB was there letching too.
(ThePope, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Thinks you're a cunt too, I'm afraid.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:43, Reply)

No need for the niceness
Creep.
(ThePope, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:48, Reply)

NONCE.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Is it true your sister was 15 when you fucked her?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:44, Reply)

sister was daughter will be
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)

I think it's the only traditon
Clan Monkey Sex have left.Due to inbreeding the numbers have diminished rapidly.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)

What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

Alt: I don't have a boss. The last thing I said was "Right, I'm having a bacon sandwich" followed by "No, they're really comfy actually"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Is this taking "comfort food" a bit too literally?

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:26, Reply)

There is nothing comfortable
about hot bacon on bare skin, believe me. Unless you're in to that kind of thing, anyway.
(berk, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:28, Reply)

I have no idea where to even start finding a prefix for "-philia" to describe that
(Someone prod Lampito.)

Does make me wonder why you're familiar with the feel of hot bacon on your bare skin...you weren't trying to recreate the sex scene from Hot Shots, were you?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:31, Reply)

I've never seen Hot Shots
but I believe I know what you're talking about, and no. I was drunkenly cooking bacon in my habitual state of drunken undress, and I knocked the pan off the hob. Managed to avoid the pan and most of the oil, but dropped a lot of lava-hot bacon on my foot. I sobered up very quickly and decided to have toast instead.
(berk, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:35, Reply)

You mean to say you just threw the bacon away?
(Still, sounds like you had a luckier escape than I did.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:37, Reply)

A shocking waste, I know
but I judged myself too preoccupied with the agonising pain and blurry round the edges from booze to safely cook it. I'm just glad it landed on my foot rather than any of the rest of me!

EDIT - that was possibly even sillier. At least I had drunkenness as an excuse!
(berk, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:40, Reply)

That is a good point - naked cooking is probably a fairly hazardous undertaking at the best of times
Although your bare skin is probably a far superior wipe-clean surface to most clothing.

(And yes, I am a plonker.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:48, Reply)

A duck waddles into Boots...
...and asks for a chapstick.
The assistant puts it in a bag and says "That will be £1.95"
The duck replies "Would you put that on my bill."

Alt Q - 'Twat.' (But that was muttered rather than said.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:38, Reply)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:48, Reply)

The process of evolution.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Poke it's eyes out
and call it stevie wonder
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Put it in a microwave
till it's Bill Withers.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Q: What do you call a three-legged donkey?
A: Wonky.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:48, Reply)

What do you call a three legged donkey playing the piano in a bar?
A honky-tonky wonky donkey.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:53, Reply)

What do you call a three-legged donkey with a gammy eye playing piano in a bar?
A winky wonky honky-tonky donkey.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Honkies

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Racist.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Bounder.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Cad

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Charlatan.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:49, Reply)

Ne'er-do-well.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Leftie.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)

Scoundrel.

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Flibberty gibbet

( Cave Duck, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Hindustani

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)

Frenchman.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)

Now steady on.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Good Lord!
*drops monocle*
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)

"If you ask me to do anything else today, I'll probably punch you"

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:50, Reply)

I was amazed the other day when I thought I heard the pope saying "GIVE US YER FUCKING MONEY!"
But on close inspection I had got the wrong Ratzinger.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)

1/10

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Fuck you Monty
I'm going to tell your girlfriend about all the nasty things you've said behind her back.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Alt Q
Well I'm thinking about moving the PC downstairs and plugging it into the main AV so that I can play Civ 5 in my pants and with full surround sound.
( Kroney, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)

What's Civ 5 like then?
Much improvement on the others?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Haven't bought it yet
I've got to sort out the PC first.

PRIORITIES, MAN.
( Kroney, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Lamest superhero ever
Doesn't solve crime, just spends all his time ordering it by severity.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Perhaps he outsources to other, less organised superheroes
and assigns by skillset.
( Kroney, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Hexagonal tiles!
I can't wait!
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:00, Reply)

OMFGFFG!!!!!!

(PsychoChomp, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:02, Reply)

I NO RITE!!!
plus they've gotten rid of religion.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:15, Reply)

FOMGFMOFOMGOFMGOFMFOFMGOGOFMGMFMOMOFMGOMFOG!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Alt: 'see you later'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:56, Reply)

It must be 'totally mad' there.
You bunch of loonies.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:08, Reply)

...BUT IT HELPS!!!!111!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Oh stop, please! I nearly pee'd myself!
They really should write a comedy about this place.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:23, Reply)

PEOPLE WOULD SAY IT WAS TOO CRAZY!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:26, Reply)

If they knew what went on here they would lock us up.
BTW Isn't Plan B great?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:03, Reply)

I prefer Task Force.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)

Alt: It's been good working with you.
Yo momma so fat, that horse on her polo shirt? IT'S REAL!
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Yo mama like a bowling ball: She's picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Yo momma's so stupid
she got stabbed in a driveby.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:41, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar
The barman says "Why the long face?"

The Horse says "I've got AIDs".
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Man goes to the doctor's...
Doctor says "Mr Jones, I have two items of very bad news for you"

"Firstly, you have the HIV virus."

The man breaks down and cries.

After he has regained his composure he asks "So what is the second?"

The Doctor replies "I'm afraid you are showing symptoms of advanced Alzheimer's."

The man looks up and says "Thank fuck for that."

The Doctor is very confused and finally asks "That is a curious response. Why did you say that?"

To which the man replies..

"For a minute there I thought you were going to tell me I had the Aids."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Man goes to the doctors.
"I have your wife's results and frankly they are rather confusing."
"What's up with her?"
"She's either got AIDS or Alzheimers."
"So what do I do?"
"Take her out into the country and leave her. If she makes her way home don't fuck her."
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:30, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:31, Reply)

that's a beauty

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

Alt q:

"We need a chat"
(ThePope, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Alt A.
Lenny Henry dead in a ditch.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Was it a chat about your placement on the sex offenders register?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Pft

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Old skool classic.
Wotcha.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Woooo!
totally ringing you this weekend.
( girlinthehole, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:27, Reply)

YAY!
totally picking it up when it rings ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)

I can't believe I've never heard that before
given that that joke is probably older than I am.
(berk, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:29, Reply)

I don't get it...

(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 25 Sep 2010, 1:06, Reply)

It's Mildew's favourite joke :)

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:59, Reply)

TAlking of awful jokes/dadisms
Whenever you say "what" to my dad he reels off "amp times volt cos 5 vi beats per second" or some actual equation as he is an electrical engineer and as such knows more than I do. Which is "owie electric bites make me feel funny"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:39, Reply)

I like the fact that iin general this almost makes sense, but if you try and concentrate on a certain bit it doesn't.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)

What do you call a swimming pool full of retards?
Vegetable soup.

How do you know when it's done?

Wheelchairs are floating on top.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:41, Reply)

just choked on my coffee there :)

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)

What's rectangle and white and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you?
A Fridge.

Alt Q: "I feel kind of cheated, actually. I'm like the Nick Clegg of this office."
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Hello sexypants

(Bazongaloid, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Afternoon, flutterbuttocks.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Word up sugarnips

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Big up your bad self, hottiebottie.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:49, Reply)

My kids asked me to take them to see some caged wild animals.
After we'd paid to get in we realised that they only had one small dog.

It was a shih tzu.
( Cave Duck, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)

Did you hear they crossed a bulldog with a shit tzu?
They came up with a Dog Tzu (Which was a tragic waste of a comedy opportunity.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:08, Reply)

Q. How do you titillate an ocelot?
A. You oscillate its tit a lot.

altQ: It's the wrong thing to do because any child that goes swimming in a flooded quarry should be left to drown in order to improve the gene pool.
(in response to a discussion on when doing what was probably the wrong thing was better than doing nothing at all)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:08, Reply)

what's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.

alt q. Something about tiny cruises on radio controlled boats or fighting bulls or something. She came into the staff room for some peace and quiet and we were weird at her. She went away
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 17:49, Reply)